This scares me some to post this..

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I am not usually emotionally driven. This week I am.

I did not want to post this out there where many who know me would jump to respond... if they saw this post.l they would have to be checking on me.

Tomorrow is the day, one year ago I was Dx. I am not dealing with this well. Actually... not well at all... I am doing well... so far.. no mets... and I am STILL in treatment. My ocno says I should feel this way as my treatment is 1 1/2 long.. and that does not count surgeries.... just chemo... rads.. and Herceptin...

Anyway... I just wanted to have ANYONE who is dealing with this lonnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg treatment.. like me.. to chat with. I know I am not alone.. I know others deal with MUCH MUCH more. even sisters who are stage 4.. I welcome your advice. I was told.. a year ago TOMORROW. that I might suffer form PTSD because out of all stage 1,2 ans 3 BC.. I , and ladies like me, have the longest treatment... My doctors wanted me to take meds for this.. I chose not to.. so, now.. a year later... I am asking for support from my girls here.... so I can stay clear of meds to help my mind deal with 6 more months of treatment...

Gods Love

Laura

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Comments

  • Diana63
    Diana63 Member Posts: 773
    edited June 2009
    Hi Laura, my treatment wasn't that long but I'm sure someone will come along shortly. BTW those are beautiful children Laughing. I have had some depression myself lately trying desperately not to take meds just yet. I am so sick of pills and medicine you take one pill then more for the side effects of that pill and so on and so on. I am a little over a year out from treatment, I will be praying for you.
  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited June 2009

    laura you are not alone in this....I too felt the same way on my cancerversary......I think we all have felt that way....I was scared, anxious and feeling so not myself!......I was already on antidepressants for another reason and had been on them for years..I ended up having to increase the dose......I'm not saying you should go on antidepressants, far from it....I am just telling you my method.......There are still days I panic and wonder... what if?.........Like now I am dealing with a swollen lymph node in my neck and of course I wonder..What if?......PTSD is a common occurence with ALL stages of BC......My oncologist told me nearly allher patients suffered from it to one degree or another........Congratulations on finishing so much of your treatment.......6 months will go by so fast.....I know it doesn't seem like it will but it will....I am 2 1/2 years out from dx and I can't believe how fast it all went......I wish you great peace in your life now and a speedy 6 months for you, Laura.........

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2009

    Laura, this battle is every bit as much mental and emotional as it is physical.  Anniversaries are difficult for everyone.

    Eat lots of Dark Chocolate, and maybe the occasional Xanax....it's not an anti-depressant, you only take it on the days you need it.  On most difficult days, just knowing it is available is enough, but there have been a couple of nights that I was able to not shake and get much needed sleep that I wouldn't have gotten without a bit of help. 

    Five years of Tamoxifen seemed like forever at the beginning, but over a year into it, I worry about what will keep the risk down when my 5 years is up.  You will get through this. 

  • Estepp
    Estepp Member Posts: 6,416
    edited June 2009

    Patmom.. THANK YOU! You were here for me in the beginning.. thank you again sister!

    God Bless

  • GramE
    GramE Member Posts: 5,056
    edited June 2009

    I was diagnosed 5/2/08 - 3 weeks before my one and only son was married. --  and tomorrow I have my next to last Herceptin and onco visit.  I emailed the onco and she said July 16 is the last one.  Then I can make an appointment to have the port removed.  YES< a very long and exhausting year this has been.   Last summer I never set foot into the swimming pool or hot tub and it looks like much the same this year.   Or at least until the port removal heals, which should be about the time the pool closes.   I moved to these apartments because, among other things, there was a pool and hot tub.  No way, no how,  am I going to risk an infection at this stage of the journey.   

     Gentle HUGS, and get yourself a really good treat of some kind - even if it is food.  Today would have been my husband's birthday - he died 6 years ago, so I have done all this BC stuff with an empty apartment waiting.   No wonder I am on this site so often !!!   Thanks for sharing.

     Blessings,  Nancy 

  • Estepp
    Estepp Member Posts: 6,416
    edited June 2009

    Nancy, I for one, am glad you are here so often. We are all in need of support. I cannot wait to meet you in Vegas!

  • GramE
    GramE Member Posts: 5,056
    edited June 2009

    I have it in RED letters on my calendar and look forward to it.   HUGS and Blessings,   Nancy

  • candie1971
    candie1971 Member Posts: 4,820
    edited June 2009

    Hugs Laura...what is PTSD?

  • Estepp
    Estepp Member Posts: 6,416
    edited June 2009

    Post Tramatic Stess Disorder..

  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited June 2009

    Laura, I had the longer treatment too. A week or so ago, I was sitting at my puter ready to send an email when I noticed the date. June 13 2009. It was one year since I finished rads. It slipped my mind. I finished Herceptin Nov 2008.

    I think your just tired of everything. I kinda felt like when is this all gonna end? I just kept busy really. Went to the Herceptin every 3 weeks and carried on with life. This Sep it will be 2 years since diagnosis. /wow never thought I'd get there. It;s funny because I have my 3 month check with my onc July 6 and for the last 3 weeks I have had major anxiety! I feel like I have gone this long so something must be going on. Like the old other shoe dropping.

    I did decide to start with a very low dose of Effexor. And it has helped sooo much. I wish I took it sooner.

    I can honestly say I don't worry about the BC comin back. This took time though.

    Anniversaries are hard, but they come and go.Focus on enjoying your summer, your  Vegas Vacation and the Herceptin will be done in no time.I still have my exchange surgery this Oct/Nov so I'm STILL not done myself...lol!  I'm right beside you..

  • HelenaJ
    HelenaJ Member Posts: 1,133
    edited June 2009

    Laura sending big hugs and love on your anniversary.  What a long ordeal, you are very brave.

    soft hugs

    Helena

  • Estepp
    Estepp Member Posts: 6,416
    edited June 2009

    Thank you friends!

  • Seven11
    Seven11 Member Posts: 162
    edited October 2010

    Laura,

    The 23rd was my one year anniversary of the first mammogram.  I didn't know I had bc, so I was still in la la land, but when I thought about it the other day, it really did freak me out.  I have been feeling some depression and really think I have a touch of ptsd.  I have taken an antidepressant for years because of anxiety, so I can't imagine what it would be like without it!!!  But I have been through it all too and will finish Herceptin in September.  

    We can do it Laura.  It's ok to admit how hard it is though.

    Katie  

  • swimangel72
    swimangel72 Member Posts: 1,989
    edited June 2009

    Hi Laura - all I can say is hang in there - it's a long journey for some of us, but it won't last forever. I just finished my year of Herceptin at the end of April - I was first dx'd in Jan of 08. Even though my tx's are done, I'm feeling a bit down too because I need more surgery to correct the hernia that showed up in my free-tram tummy after MRSA.........more opened abdominal surgery, more pain, more drains - more bent over like an old woman. I'm quite a bit anxious too because they'll be using an "anti-mrsa" mesh called Strattice and I don't know what that will feel like - will my stomach be stiff as a board? Will it get softer than it is now? I'll be in the hospital for at least 4-5 days, then probably another 4 to 6 weeks to recuperate. I feel like this roller-coaster will never end! But on the other hand, I do enjoy many mini-moments of my day - the smell of fresh cut grass, dark clouds in the sky pierced by rays of sun - the sounds of the birds in the morning - wonderful people at my job - and a wonderful husband who is always there for me. Life is beautiful - the glass IS half full.........and when my surgery and recuperation is over ...........the glass will be COMPLETELY full! It's all in our mental outlook - so I try to see miracles in my mini-moments - then use my imagination to jump past the scary time approaching - imagining myself kayaking at Lake George in August - if all goes well - of course it WILL all go well! Cool

    So Laura - hang in there - we'll get off this ride before you know it - we'll lean on each other until it ends.

  • coffee1stlife2nd
    coffee1stlife2nd Member Posts: 15
    edited June 2009

    Laura, Im new here and wish I wasnt but i am. And Im sorry you have to be here also But THANK YOU for being here for us newbees, like im sure you were happy to have Patmom here for you WE are happy you are here for US...Im sorry your journey has to be such a long one Please Take Care and im always here for you, Your New Sister...Tina

  • shokk
    shokk Member Posts: 1,763
    edited June 2009

    Oh jeez Stepper......come on over and let me give you a great big hug................I really don't have words of wisdom will because I am the optimist pessimist..........I always believe the glass is half empty even when it is full but nonetheless all I can say is put on those pearls everyday, stop listening to talk radio, and if you are watching MSNBC no wonder you are down in the dumps......you will eventually finish treatment.....well current treatment anyway............let's face it none us will ever be like we were before bc but we sure do know a lot more medical terms, tx, medicine, doctors, nurses, scans, IV's, diarrhea, constipation, fatigue, sleeplessness, more wake up's at 3 a.m. then all our children put together ever caused us .......well you get the drift...........life experiences shapes us and changes us all the time.......first kiss, first time (well you know), first child birth, first bite of ice cream (even though we don't remember), first crush, first fight with boyfriend, first fight with girlfriend and unfortunately first time we heard the sentence "you have cancer".......your a beautiful woman.......smile.......go smell your kids heads........Shokk

  • Estepp
    Estepp Member Posts: 6,416
    edited June 2009

    Shokk. sure been awhile since I have seen you around... you little smarty pants....

    Thank you!

    What a ride...............

  • noni1
    noni1 Member Posts: 39
    edited June 2009

    Hi Laura,

    I was dx on March 14, 08 and told I was cancer free on March 17, 09.  I am sending you lots of hugs, you are not alone in your feelings.  I am having some very angry feelings right now myself.  I went through all my treatments, surgeries and radiation without skipping a beat or looking back, just kept moving forward.  I even kept working for peace of mind.  We will never be the persons we were before BC.  I miss my old self.  I am not quite sure why I feel this way, but I was told also that it is PTSD.  I try, it's all we can do.

    I am happy though, to be able to wake up every morning next to my best friend in the world, my husband.  Talk to my grandson on the phone, go to the movies, go to Disney ( I live in Central Florida) .  Garden again, sit in the sunshine and read the paper with a cup of coffee.  My, how the small things in life matter so much more now.

    I hope that you continue to do well,  your treatments will be done before you know it.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, as I will for all of you.  God bless.   Cindy 

  • Estepp
    Estepp Member Posts: 6,416
    edited June 2009

    Thank you! We all need eachother huh!

    Bless you !

  • sutherndiva
    sutherndiva Member Posts: 54
    edited June 2009

    Hey Estepp,

     I am just starting my journey so it has not quite set in I guess the enormity of what the next leg of my life will hold. I to believe that I will never be the same. I kind of like that though. I was the type of woman who NEVER gave herself any hugs or I felt bad when I needed anyone. In the first part of my diagnosis I actually went to most of my appointments alone not because I had to but because I did not want to trouble anyone with my stuff. This foreign thing in my body has really forced me to open my eyes and see the beautiful creature that God made in me. I honestly mistreated myself before. I no longer feel bad when I say to my sister with 3 children that I am tired and I just can't help today. I don't feel selfish when my mother calls me to burden me and never ask how I feel and I respond by saying no thank you to her selfishness. I feel like I have been given a second chance at being alive albeit under unusual circumstances, even though the fear tries to creep into the back of my mind and make me believe the worse. Before cancer I needed permission to be tired or need a weekend off to be lazy. Always afraid that I would let someone down. Not anymore. So as you count the days realize how great it is to COUNT the days. You have so many people that love you as is obvious from the board. Take it all in realize just how valuable and wonderful you. Before you know it you will be encouraging other women through your 20 year survivor story. Don't rush the miracle just believe that it is unfolding!

  • Estepp
    Estepp Member Posts: 6,416
    edited June 2009

    ((( DIVA)))

    Very sweet... thanks for that!

  • mmm5
    mmm5 Member Posts: 1,470
    edited June 2009

    Estepp

    I finished Herceptin one month ago, got my port out the day after and have had an emotional roller coaster since. I felt so good, went away for summer with kids started playing tennis then golf really living it up. Got a terrible cold could not stop coughing, still have it today, got a lump in my chest where the port removal was done. Today I went to Primary Doc to check cough and to radioligist to check lump. They are 98% certain that these issues are not BC related. Anyway what I am trying to illustrate is that I feel good I feel bad, it is a daily, weekly roller coaster. I start to gain my footing and think all is well then something like a new symptom drags me right back down to BC anxiety and distress. I HATE IT! but one thing I decided today after going to two doc appts is that I will try to let go each day. Let go of fear, control, dread, and just be even if that means it is a tiring day I will just be.
    Unclench your jaw, loosen your grip and see whats really under that anxiety, it is an illusion because today you are ok. Really just let go.

    I also have been approached by my Docs several times about antidepressants and tried for a week and hated them, just could not take any more meds after a year plus of treatment. It has really helped many so it is a personal choice.

    I believe my biggest help is daily mediation the "letting go" kind, exercise, and prayer, Good nutrition and truly having faith.

    Be Well

  • HelenaJ
    HelenaJ Member Posts: 1,133
    edited June 2009

    Wow just caught up with this post Laura.  What amazing beautiful words.  Sutherndiva your words moved me to tears. 

    Letting go ... it is so tiring this struggle to be who we were before breast cancer.  I mourn the loss of the old Helena, the loss of innocence, but in her place is this new creature changing every day and you know what, I'm beginning to like what I see.

    Laura thank you for posting and sharing, I hope you managed through the anniversary day OK and you are celebrating - that is what we all want, lots of anniversaries.

    big hugs

    Helena

  • firstmate
    firstmate Member Posts: 410
    edited June 2009

    Laura - I have not had a long chemo and radiation journey, but my reconstruction journey has been long.  I had my one year anniversary in March.  I knew I was a bit depressed, but as soon as I stepped into the surgeons office for my check-up, I started crying.  I could not stop crying the whole visit.  By the time the doctor came in, I was sobbing quite hysterically, saying "This has ruined my life".  The doc was very sweet and gave me a hug and said, "You are the same person you were before this diagnosis."  Well, he is right and wrong.  I am basically the same, but in some ways I will never be the same.  I have accepted the diagnosis, and the resultant body image changes, and have gotten over the depression.  I still have some anger, but maybe that is healthier.

    I hope you can get past your depression and fears, and live a happy and full life.  You are such a breath of fresh air on the web site for so many of us.

  • shelloz1
    shelloz1 Member Posts: 405
    edited June 2009

    I was DX Oct 2006, finished my 1 1/2 years of treatment Feb 2008, so you would think that I'd feel good by now.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since my DX, and I know I am far from alone.  I know that I should feel great, I am cancer free, look great (no one could ever tell) except for the breasts from a horror film.  I find myself depressed very often, not sure if it is from the chemo induced menopause, or from PTS (maybe even a combination).  I can cry on a dime, without rhyme or reason, and I think my family is actually tired of it.  Nobody can understand what we have been through, yes our families suffered with us, but at the end of the day, they still can't understand the journey we have been on. 

    I am going for an MRI on Thursday because I have some lumps I found, and because I am having breast pain. I am convinced these lumps are nothing, but, I also unfortunately believe that one day my cancer will return.  There is no logic to why I believe this, it's simply something I feel will happen.

    I have tried taking anti depressants, but so far have found most of them make me sick, or I can't sleep, so I gave up on them.  I am ok for the most part, but there are times when I think that an anti depressant would be helpful.

    I pray that one day soon, there will be a way to prevent cancer, and that no woman will have to suffer again.

    Lots of love, hugs and prayers.

    Shelley

  • Estepp
    Estepp Member Posts: 6,416
    edited June 2009

    Boy ladies, it seems we all are the same huh?

    Actually, I fretted over starting this thread, but pushed on. I see so many of us feel this way... maybe just a GREAT place to vent it all!

    I am feeling so much better. Prayer and more exercise... ( I am sure my weight gain has helped me feel bad too)...

    I had a dear friend get a CLEAR brain MRI on the day of my one year from DX. She called me to tell me and then said..." June 25th will always be a day of celebration for us... Your anniversary date from the day you were a survivor and my anniversary date for having another clean MRI..."

    I have felt a little selfish since I posted this thread... as I know.. so many of you deal with the exact thing... not just little old me. I think now it might have been a good thread to vent and keep up with friendships...:)

    Blessing and continued growth ladies!

    Laura

  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited June 2009

    Laura I'm glad you are feeling better. I don't think you are at all being selfish by posting this thread, this is just a reminder that although we think we are feeling alone with our feelings, we are not. I have up and down days as well. It seems to happen before my 3 months check which is coming up on Monday. But after that I know I'll be better. I just keep saying to myself that I am 2 months away from my oh so important 2 year anniversary diagnosis. This is a big milestone for us Her2+ woman.

    It has been 18 months since finishing chemo for me an 12 months finishing rads. Physically, I feel like my pre BC self, but I still have this chemo brain that is slowly lifting. Keep doing your exercise and prayer, we have to do whatever helps us, whatever it may be. I took up shopping, I'm happy but my husband is not.lol

  • Estepp
    Estepp Member Posts: 6,416
    edited July 2009

    Shelley,

    I hope that you will find a way to NOT believe your cancer will return. This has got to ride heavy on you, if this consumes your thoughts. You had a smaller tumor and no node involvement...stage 1 andddddddddddddddddddd Herceptin I assume... It will be 3 yrs for you soon... as a Her2 gal.. you are gettin' real close sister to being out of the shed if you will...:)... Hang on to that... You are going to be fine and go on to teach someone else to be strong!

    Gods Love,

    Laura

  • HelenaJ
    HelenaJ Member Posts: 1,133
    edited July 2009

    Hi Shelley, I know I am fine but also think I too will have a recurrence somewhere down the track.  It isn't logical - it is a self-defence mechanism - if something does go wrong then I won't be too shell-shocked and I feel like I am jinxing things by saying I'm "cured".  But it is only here that I would dare say that.  We can afford to be fragile here.

    This place is the best anti-depressant I could possibly take.

    love and hugs to all

    Helena

  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited July 2009

    Laura,

    Your treatments are wearing you down. Cancer is a tough road to travel and when you have been in long term treatment...your mental defenses can kind of break down. We all have days when we just fall apart and think we cant hold on any longer. When I have those days...I let it out and cry like a baby. I always feel better after I have these bad days. You are not selfish at all !!! This site is here for us to share our feelings. On our good days we can hold the weaker ones up. And when we are weak...they are here for us too. I think some of the best therapy is listening to other people's problems. As we try to help someone else cope..we silently teach ourselves at the same time. Then all we have to do is learn to take our own advice.. LOL.  Hugs & Blessings, Mazy

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