This scares me some to post this..

laura you are not alone in this....I too felt the same way on my cancerversary......I think we all have felt that way....I was scared, anxious and feeling so not myself!......I was already on antidepressants for another reason and had been on them for years..I ended up having to increase the dose......I'm not saying you should go on antidepressants, far from it....I am just telling you my method.......There are still days I panic and wonder... what if?.........Like now I am dealing with a swollen lymph node in my neck and of course I wonder..What if?......PTSD is a common occurence with ALL stages of BC......My oncologist told me nearly allher patients suffered from it to one degree or another........Congratulations on finishing so much of your treatment.......6 months will go by so fast.....I know it doesn't seem like it will but it will....I am 2 1/2 years out from dx and I can't believe how fast it all went......I wish you great peace in your life now and a speedy 6 months for you, Laura.........

Hugs Laura...what is PTSD?

Laura, I had the longer treatment too. A week or so ago, I was sitting at my puter ready to send an email when I noticed the date. June 13 2009. It was one year since I finished rads. It slipped my mind. I finished Herceptin Nov 2008.

I think your just tired of everything. I kinda felt like when is this all gonna end? I just kept busy really. Went to the Herceptin every 3 weeks and carried on with life. This Sep it will be 2 years since diagnosis. /wow never thought I'd get there. It;s funny because I have my 3 month check with my onc July 6 and for the last 3 weeks I have had major anxiety! I feel like I have gone this long so something must be going on. Like the old other shoe dropping.

I did decide to start with a very low dose of Effexor. And it has helped sooo much. I wish I took it sooner.

I can honestly say I don't worry about the BC comin back. This took time though.

Anniversaries are hard, but they come and go.Focus on enjoying your summer, your  Vegas Vacation and the Herceptin will be done in no time.I still have my exchange surgery this Oct/Nov so I'm STILL not done myself...lol!  I'm right beside you..

Hi Laura - all I can say is hang in there - it's a long journey for some of us, but it won't last forever. I just finished my year of Herceptin at the end of April - I was first dx'd in Jan of 08. Even though my tx's are done, I'm feeling a bit down too because I need more surgery to correct the hernia that showed up in my free-tram tummy after MRSA.........more opened abdominal surgery, more pain, more drains - more bent over like an old woman. I'm quite a bit anxious too because they'll be using an "anti-mrsa" mesh called Strattice and I don't know what that will feel like - will my stomach be stiff as a board? Will it get softer than it is now? I'll be in the hospital for at least 4-5 days, then probably another 4 to 6 weeks to recuperate. I feel like this roller-coaster will never end! But on the other hand, I do enjoy many mini-moments of my day - the smell of fresh cut grass, dark clouds in the sky pierced by rays of sun - the sounds of the birds in the morning - wonderful people at my job - and a wonderful husband who is always there for me. Life is beautiful - the glass IS half full.........and when my surgery and recuperation is over ...........the glass will be COMPLETELY full! It's all in our mental outlook - so I try to see miracles in my mini-moments - then use my imagination to jump past the scary time approaching - imagining myself kayaking at Lake George in August - if all goes well - of course it WILL all go well!

So Laura - hang in there - we'll get off this ride before you know it - we'll lean on each other until it ends.

Oh jeez Stepper......come on over and let me give you a great big hug................I really don't have words of wisdom will because I am the optimist pessimist..........I always believe the glass is half empty even when it is full but nonetheless all I can say is put on those pearls everyday, stop listening to talk radio, and if you are watching MSNBC no wonder you are down in the dumps......you will eventually finish treatment.....well current treatment anyway............let's face it none us will ever be like we were before bc but we sure do know a lot more medical terms, tx, medicine, doctors, nurses, scans, IV's, diarrhea, constipation, fatigue, sleeplessness, more wake up's at 3 a.m. then all our children put together ever caused us .......well you get the drift...........life experiences shapes us and changes us all the time.......first kiss, first time (well you know), first child birth, first bite of ice cream (even though we don't remember), first crush, first fight with boyfriend, first fight with girlfriend and unfortunately first time we heard the sentence "you have cancer".......your a beautiful woman.......smile.......go smell your kids heads........Shokk

Hi Laura,

I was dx on March 14, 08 and told I was cancer free on March 17, 09.  I am sending you lots of hugs, you are not alone in your feelings.  I am having some very angry feelings right now myself.  I went through all my treatments, surgeries and radiation without skipping a beat or looking back, just kept moving forward.  I even kept working for peace of mind.  We will never be the persons we were before BC.  I miss my old self.  I am not quite sure why I feel this way, but I was told also that it is PTSD.  I try, it's all we can do.

I am happy though, to be able to wake up every morning next to my best friend in the world, my husband.  Talk to my grandson on the phone, go to the movies, go to Disney ( I live in Central Florida) .  Garden again, sit in the sunshine and read the paper with a cup of coffee.  My, how the small things in life matter so much more now.

I hope that you continue to do well,  your treatments will be done before you know it.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, as I will for all of you.  God bless.   Cindy 

Hey Estepp,

 I am just starting my journey so it has not quite set in I guess the enormity of what the next leg of my life will hold. I to believe that I will never be the same. I kind of like that though. I was the type of woman who NEVER gave herself any hugs or I felt bad when I needed anyone. In the first part of my diagnosis I actually went to most of my appointments alone not because I had to but because I did not want to trouble anyone with my stuff. This foreign thing in my body has really forced me to open my eyes and see the beautiful creature that God made in me. I honestly mistreated myself before. I no longer feel bad when I say to my sister with 3 children that I am tired and I just can't help today. I don't feel selfish when my mother calls me to burden me and never ask how I feel and I respond by saying no thank you to her selfishness. I feel like I have been given a second chance at being alive albeit under unusual circumstances, even though the fear tries to creep into the back of my mind and make me believe the worse. Before cancer I needed permission to be tired or need a weekend off to be lazy. Always afraid that I would let someone down. Not anymore. So as you count the days realize how great it is to COUNT the days. You have so many people that love you as is obvious from the board. Take it all in realize just how valuable and wonderful you. Before you know it you will be encouraging other women through your 20 year survivor story. Don't rush the miracle just believe that it is unfolding!

Estepp

I finished Herceptin one month ago, got my port out the day after and have had an emotional roller coaster since. I felt so good, went away for summer with kids started playing tennis then golf really living it up. Got a terrible cold could not stop coughing, still have it today, got a lump in my chest where the port removal was done. Today I went to Primary Doc to check cough and to radioligist to check lump. They are 98% certain that these issues are not BC related. Anyway what I am trying to illustrate is that I feel good I feel bad, it is a daily, weekly roller coaster. I start to gain my footing and think all is well then something like a new symptom drags me right back down to BC anxiety and distress. I HATE IT! but one thing I decided today after going to two doc appts is that I will try to let go each day. Let go of fear, control, dread, and just be even if that means it is a tiring day I will just be.
Unclench your jaw, loosen your grip and see whats really under that anxiety, it is an illusion because today you are ok. Really just let go.

I also have been approached by my Docs several times about antidepressants and tried for a week and hated them, just could not take any more meds after a year plus of treatment. It has really helped many so it is a personal choice.

I believe my biggest help is daily mediation the "letting go" kind, exercise, and prayer, Good nutrition and truly having faith.

Be Well

Laura - I have not had a long chemo and radiation journey, but my reconstruction journey has been long.  I had my one year anniversary in March.  I knew I was a bit depressed, but as soon as I stepped into the surgeons office for my check-up, I started crying.  I could not stop crying the whole visit.  By the time the doctor came in, I was sobbing quite hysterically, saying "This has ruined my life".  The doc was very sweet and gave me a hug and said, "You are the same person you were before this diagnosis."  Well, he is right and wrong.  I am basically the same, but in some ways I will never be the same.  I have accepted the diagnosis, and the resultant body image changes, and have gotten over the depression.  I still have some anger, but maybe that is healthier.

I hope you can get past your depression and fears, and live a happy and full life.  You are such a breath of fresh air on the web site for so many of us.

Laura,

Your treatments are wearing you down. Cancer is a tough road to travel and when you have been in long term treatment...your mental defenses can kind of break down. We all have days when we just fall apart and think we cant hold on any longer. When I have those days...I let it out and cry like a baby. I always feel better after I have these bad days. You are not selfish at all !!! This site is here for us to share our feelings. On our good days we can hold the weaker ones up. And when we are weak...they are here for us too. I think some of the best therapy is listening to other people's problems. As we try to help someone else cope..we silently teach ourselves at the same time. Then all we have to do is learn to take our own advice.. LOL.  Hugs & Blessings, Mazy