A Friends Recurrence

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Andrea07
Andrea07 Member Posts: 29
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Before I begin, I know that this whole post might sound selfish............and it is, but I'm scared out of my mind.  I met a girl (our kids go to preK together) who about 2 months after I was diagnosed, she herself was diagnosed.  We became instant friends and have shared A LOT over the past year.  Well, she had back and leg pain and has just been diagnosed with spinal cancer (stage 4) and recurrence from her original breast cancer. 

I am beside myself with fear for her and for myself.  We were each other's rock through all of the strange post traumatic stress ways of thinking.  We "talked" each other out of worry, but now that is gone.  I just can't seem to shake that feeling of doom and gloom waiting for my turn- again.  We had the same cancer (Her2) and the same treatment.  I can't help but wonder if it didn't work for her, then what about me?  We used to reassure each other that Herceptin was a "miracle" drug, but now, I'm not so sure.  She just finished Herceptin!!  She's only a year out of chemo. 

It is just SO hard to "separate" myself from her situation.  Please, please help me to deal with this better to be a support for her.  I went to visit her and really put on an act that I was positive and upbeat for her through her fear, but completely fell apart when I came home. 

Please don't think poorly of me, but I'm just so bitter about this disease.........again.    I feel so guilty for not having a recurrence and don't want to upset her.  I'm just so lost.

Thanks in advance.

Andrea

DX IDC 11/2007 - ER/PR+ Her2+  Stage2 Lumpectomy  Taxotere/Carboplatin/Herceptin

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Comments

  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited June 2009

    Andrea my heart goes out to you...It is very hard to find your friend has recurrence and you don't.....I have a friend who is Stage 4 (actually 2 of them)...I still treat them the way I did before....It is very difficult to do but you can do it......You have the strength in you ....You just have to  for both your sakes..........I don't think poorly of you...You are human and none of us will think that of you..Obviously you care about her and your friendship or you would not have posted this......I hope some other ladies come by with even more advise.....You really are a great friend and I am so sorry your friend had a recurrence...Remember no two tumors are alike just as no two people are alike......If they were all the same we would have a cure............They may look the same but at the cellular level they are very different.........((((((((ANDREA & FRIEND))))))))

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  • KLynn
    KLynn Member Posts: 1,407
    edited June 2009

    Hey there Andrea....

    It sucks and there is no way around it, BUT if I were you , I would be really honest with your friend, and tell her that you ARE scared for HER, for You and for everything that revolves around this disease... She is going to want to protect you too...She isn't going to want to tel you all her aches and pains and the things that are going on BECAUSE she isn't going to want to scare you, so you both will be tippy toeing around each other, when all you really want to do is lean on each other...I am stage 4 and try to protect my friends WITH b/c more than the ones with out...Hope this makes sense to you...

    It's easier to say not to dwell on your chance of recurrence but it really doesn't work that why , now does it ??? It hits us at the strangest times, the fear, and there is no way of stopping it...You have a very good chance of never having a recur, it doesn't happen to everyone...No need to feel guilty for feeling good or for being healthy, it's what we all want for each other..Godd luck, and just be honest with you good friend..Hugs KLynn

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  • Debonthelake
    Debonthelake Member Posts: 244
    edited June 2009

    Andrea

    My heart goes out to you.  This is a very frightening disease.  You came to the right place to get some support.  You will need lots of support so that you can support your friend.  As many of the ladies on this site have posted cancer is a crap shoot.  We really don't know who is going to get it and who won't.  We really don't know who will get a recurrence and who won't.  The fact of the matter is that no one knows how long they will live.  Cancer just highlights the fact that we are immortal beings.  It is important to live our lives to the fullest. 

    One thing that might benefit you is to remember what the stats were for being cured with the herceptin.  Just because your friend did not beat the odds doesn't mean that you won't.  Perhaps you were brought together not only to support each other but for you to be her special friend right now.  Women can live a long time even after metastasis.  Being cured is better, but there is hope that the doctors will be able to manage your friends cancer for a long time.

    I cling to the Prayer of Serenity:

    Lord grant me the serenity(peace of mind) to accept the things I can not change.  (I have to pray for this because I can not manufacture it on my own.)

    The courage to change the things that I can ( There is much we can do to fight this beast, chemo, radiation, diet, exercise, meditation and prayer)

    The wisdom to know the difference.  This is sometimes the most difficult part of the prayer.

    One of the women on this site suggested facing your demon briefly every day.  Allow yourself to feel your fears and let them go and live your life to the best of your ability the rest of the day.

    I'm so sorry for you and your friend.  I have one friend who was diagnosed with sage III B ovarian cancer 2 months after my BC diagnosis.  My sister in law has also had a metastasis to the brain that was just diagnosed last week.  It is tough.  But, they need our support now more than ever.

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  • mmm5
    mmm5 Member Posts: 1,470
    edited June 2009

    Andrea

    You are not being selfish, we are all anxiety ridden. Try to remember that most early stage Her2's are greatly helped by Herceptin. Have you read all the data it is truly awesome. Perhaps your friend had a more aggresive form, perhaps it snuck into more lypmh nodes did you have the same dx when found? Did she have scans from the get go to see if any had already traveled to different parts of her body? The good news is that bone mets are the one's that can be dealt with more easily than others. All of this stuff sucks for all of us, but at least we have each other and she will have you and will need you. THAT DOES NOT MEAN that you won't have your own emotions and let yourself feel them.

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