Not Sure I Can Keep Going
I don't know if I can or maybe even want to keep going. I was already being treated for depression from my first round of breast cancer that I survived 10 years ago. Now with this second round I am just having a lot more difficulty coping. There's not really anybody I can talk to about this 'cuz I'm afraid they'll brand me as mentally ill. I had breast saving surgery 10 years ago, but 5 years ago was diagnosed with Uterine cancer so had a full hysterectomy.
For my new round of breast cancer, I had surgery for a bilateral mastectomy in October 2008. Completed chemotherapy in February 2009. Completed Rad's in April. Started Arimidex in April. Had to go off it in May when I landed in the ER with trouble breathing. Am now starting Femara but seem to be having similar problems as I had with Arimidex.
And now my onc is saying I have to start on Zometa. One treatment every 6 months for 3 years. During the month I was off the Arimidex I was actually starting to feel better again. The depression was coming back under control, I was starting to get energy again so I could live happily. I was able to resume exercise and enjoying life. Now on the Femara I'm tired all the time . . . bone aches, headaches, depression, fatigue . . . I don't now anymore if fighting cancer is worth living like this.
I'm just getting so lonely with not having anybody to talk to or to cry with. DH doesn't understand, I have no children, and my siblings are out of state. My friends are all young and have children so are busy with their own lives. My therapist is a man and simply doesn't understand living with cancer. I just don't know where to turn or where to go.
Comments
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Wow you've been put through the wringer honey..you've came to the right place, there are thousands of women here to cry with you, listen to you, so do whatever you want, cry, vent...whatever needs to be done....and I totally understand the depression been there numerous times..it's a lonely black place...but anytime you need anything, please come here. We're always here, ready to help out!
can you find a different therapist or are you stuck with the one you're with? Reason I ask is that over the years, I've found out men just don't totally get us women. As with my gyn's, every male I've had has never understood even cramps, they pooh pooh them away, finally found a female gyn, best thing I ever did.....How can a man understand breast cancer?
Hugs and prayers to you...
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Kristen, I sent you a private message, look at the top of your screen....
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Kristen ~ I'm so sorry you are in this place. I, like many others are all to familiar with it. I wish there was a rememdy I could send you out to pick up but unfortunately, the only thing that will help is time. It's a thin line between giving up and giving in. After many set backs and side effects I too had to decide what I was willing to put up with and what I could do on my own to try and improve the situation. I would encourage you to talk to your onc about this if you feel you can...there may be things they can do or suggest for you that would improve your mood and or reaction to your meds?
In the mean time, you can use my shoulder to cry on if you need it...and many others too I am sure. I agree with Deb's suggestions about finding women Dr.s - there are just some things that men do not and never will get!
Please continue to vent and let us know how you are!
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Kristen:
I am so glad you came here to share and not feel so alone.
I relate to your story regarding the anti-hormonals (Arimidex, Femara, etc.) and depression. I tried both of those with similar s/e's. My onc put me on tamoxifen even though I am post-menopausal. He felt it was better than nothing because I did not do the chemo. I will be on tamoxifen 1 year in July. What a wild ride it's been with up and down depression. I take "tamoxifen vacations" (I'll do 15-18mg. instead of 20 mg)-I do not recommend that you do this because 20mg. is what the onc's recommend.
I know there is alot of fear in seeing a psychiatrist and not wanting to be labeled mentally ill. But I'm still seeing a psych. in that we are trying to find the right drug combo to help with my depression & to keep me at a 20mg. dose of tamoxifen. She feels I've been thru alot and the tamoxifen is helping me w/ my survival rate. This is my 2nd cancer. I am currently taking zoloft, eskalith & clonazapem. (generic for klonopin)
I also have female drs-(pcp and psych) Maybe you should make an appt with your pcp for help in easing your other s/e's-headaches & bone aches. I just saw mine in which I had a list of issues. Please keep trying until you find a good fit for you re: anti-hormonals, anti-depressants & help for your other s/e's.
Write back soon & take good care of yourself.
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Thank you all for your friendship and for reaching out to me. There truly are days that I don't feel like I can continue this fight.
My cancer battle started 10 years ago when I was 34. I was diagnosed with DCIS in the left breast. Treated it with a lumpectomy and then 5 years of Tamoxifen. I was sick the whole time on Taxmoifen but I dealt with it with the understanding my cancer would be cured.
6 months after stopping Tamoxifen I was diagnosed with Uterine and Endometrial cancer. I'd been told it was a possible side effect but very low probability of it happening. I had to have a full hysterectomy with uterus, ovaries, and cervix removed. 3 months of chemotherapy and I was supposed to be "cured".
Then in 2008, I seriously was considering not even going to do my annual mammo. I'd felt something but it went away. Then it came back. I figured I'd just go get the mammo and that would be the end of it. Before I knew it, just a few weeks later I was being wheeled into the OR to have both my breasts removed. That promise of being cancer free after being treated so many times fell short.
So now . . . I've completed my chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I did end up with serious reactions to the chemotherapy but they all cleared up with more drugs. I was cleared to start living again. I was just starting to feel good. Don't have all my energy and strength back but it's showing signs of improving. I started on the Arimidex and BAM! Back to feeling ill again. Landed in the ER with serious complications on the Arimidex. My Onc took me off that and am now trying out Femara. But yet at the same time, he's now telling me I have to start on Zometa treatments.
I've read some threads on this site that others have felt ill only for a day or two after the Zometa shot. I am hopeful that I will have the same sort of luck. However I also know my body by now and I seem to end up with the rarest of side effects from all these toxins I'm being given. I just honestly don't know that it's worth fighting any more if all I do is feel ill all the time.
I want my life back. I want to be able to work out and lose this weight I put on from being so sedentary since the October surgery. Is fighting cancer really worth dealing with pain, sorry, and feeling ill ......... I just don't know.
I am on Facebook so if anybody is interested in adding me as a friend there, please do . . .
"Kristin Albrecht"
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Honey - do you know what reactive depression is?
It means that if you weren't depressed, you'd be crazy! This disease and treatment really mess with our heads.
Talk to your therapist about the fact that you feel he doesn't get it - if you already have, and things haven't changed, time to get someone else.
Many oncology centers include an oncology social worker who really know their stuff. Call your oncologist's office for a referral, if you want to try this option.
I'm getting out from under the dark cloud a bit, now. I was so pleased the first morning I didn't cry on the way to work!
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Hi Kristin, I am living proof that the combination of chemo/surgery/Femara you are getting can lead to depression. Taking our immune system down to nothing, messing our brain up with the chemotherapy, pumping our system full of drugs (like steroids, anti-nausea drugs, Neulasta, etc. etc.), traumatizing and weakening our bodies with surgery, and removing normal hormone function all within a relatively short period of time, all this leaves our poor bodies and minds in a state of total confusion. That is in addition to wrapping our heads around the cancer diagnosis and all that this implies. In my case there were other major losses along with all this. A cancer diagnosis is going to change us in every way there is.
I thought I was going crazy, plain and simple. All the joy and enthusiasm was gone from my life and I didn't see any way out. I took an anti-depressant for 10 months to help me get through the worst of it. I still don't know if that helped me, but it helps some people a lot.
Most of all, it just takes time. It's like the old me is still there, but way in the background. A new me is being created each day. Some days are better, some not, but the good days gradually do come and come more frequently.
I have been taking Femara since January of 2006. It still makes my joints ache, makes me tired and weak, and I hate it. However, I am still NED, and I've learned ways to compensate for the SEs.
I also take Zometa infusions every 6 months. I'm really hoping it's as good as they say at preventing mets. I had no adverse reactions to my first 2 infusions, not even flu symptoms after the first one.
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Kristen,
Check out to see if there is a cancer support group in your area, it has helped my sister so much to just have a place to connect and hash out her feelings. The woman who leads my sisters group is a clinical physchologist, and only works with cancer patients and has taken her on also as a patient. Her husband now goes reluctantly to the group, but seems to be turning the corner a bit. I am sure your hubby is scared and just not equiped to handle all of this, none of us are. Just know you are not alone, there is help out there, these women on this site are amazing and they will help you through your darkest days, keep fighting!!!
dEB
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Kristen,
You shouldn't feel bad for feeling down and out. You've been through a lot. Anybody would be having a rough go of it. I am writing to give you some encouragement regarding the Femara. I, too, could not take Arimidex - broke out in hives - almost lost my mind. With the Femara I had the aches and pains, but they have got much better after 7-8 months. One morning I woke up and realized that I could walk downstairs without almsot crying out in pain! Please don't give up. Change doctors if you have to. Talk to you husband gently and remind him that you need to feel close to him. I began taking Effexor for the hot flashes - I think it helped keep me emotionally intact too. And I would have never agreed to taking an anti-depressant before all this breast cancer stuff began. I recommend it to anyone, even if they don't realize they need it. Come back here often for encouragement and hugs.
Deb
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If you feel that your husband has no idea of what it's like to be in your position, get a book for him, and read it TO him if necessary. It's "Breast Cancer Husband" by Marc Silver. It'll help him, too, because by understand more about what it is that your experiencing, and learning HOW to help, and hot NOT to, he'll feel better and less insecure.
Additionally, there is a 24 hr/7 day support line that you can call. It's the Breast Cancer Network of Strength. Their number is 800-221-2141. The women who staff this line are Peer Counselors....other women who've had BC.
I've been in the depths myself, and I understand what it feels like. When I went through my "Hell Year" in '04, having a bilat mast/pedicle TRAM recon, huge complications from that 10 hr surgery, a lung biopsy and diagnosis of lung mets, a total hysterectomy/oophorectomy, and the "joy" of going through instant menopause, I was living alone, and had no partner. If it weren't for the BCO chat room, my cancer counselor at Univ of Pa, and my psychiatrist who got me on the right dose/combination of anti-depressants, I think that I may have ended up homeless. There is help out there. You've taken the first step to reach out....now, just take the next, and the one after that. Hugs, Nancy
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Hi Kristen,
I too like Deb, had to take Effexor to help with all the weird side effects I was having. I couldn't handle any of the oral meds, so the doc put me on Faslodex injections which I get every 4 weeks. Effexor has shown is studies to help with side effects for post breast cancer treatments: aches, fatigue, hot flashes, and the extra bonus is that it helps with the emotional turmoil some of us go through. Hang in there. We're all pulling for you. I agree....find a doctor that understands. I'm blessed to have a female oncologist who understands the hardships of what I've had to go through.
A little history: I had a left mastectomy with reconstruction (tram flap), chemo a/c and taxol with an allergic reaction to the taxol, radiation, gallbladder removed just after radiation which chemo caused, started on tamoxifen but side effects were so bad I had to have a complete hysterectomy, then because of radiation AFTER my reconstruction had to have another reconstructive surgery (radiation shrunk the tissue) and then one more, This was all in 2005 which ended with my 25 yr.marriage breaking up (ex-husband couldn't handle all this). I began 2006 with them experimenting which aromatase inhibitor I could handle, they finally figured I would have to have Faslodex injections. I'm still on them, I have a little over a year left and am having side effects now that affect my heart. I TOTALLY understand the wanting to give up. My now... wonderful husband has encouraged me to keep on keeping on. "Only one year left", he says, "and it's worth it to have you around for many many more years to come". I am blessed to have the encouragement I need at home.
But no one can truly understand what you are going through unless they have gone through it also, hence, why I am on this website....to feel connected with sisters like you.Keep fighting, don't give up. You have no idea how many people you have touched or will touch with your story. I truly feel God uses all we have gone through for something in our lives.
Now...a little funny. I had a birthmark on my tummy....after my Tram Flap surgery where they take muscle, fat and skin from your abdomen to reconstruct the breast, I just had to look while I was in the hospital....I was surprised to see....you guessed it....my birthmark now on my breast! When I met with my plastic surgeon I asked him "what were you thinking", he said it was the best skin graft....and said he knew he was going to hear about it from me. We had a good laugh and he said, "seriously though, you need to keep a watch on that birthmark", which I replied, "Well, it will be alot easier now! LOL
Praying for you, Diana
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Thank you all for your overwhelming support and caring.
I am already on Prozac . . . Ended up going on it after my first BC treatments 10 years ago. I tried Lexapro but that made me sooooo constipated I had to stop. Everything SEEMS to work okay on Prozac but sometimes it just seems as though the depression is not completely resolved.
As for reactive depression . . . I can see that. I'm not a very patient person and like to stick to a schedule. When the doctors told me last October that I'd feel better by summer, I want to hold them to it. Now that it's summer and I'm not feeling 100% and just get more set backs, I get angry and then depressed. I want to be back to where I was before my 2008 diagnosis.
I think I'm coming to terms with having to do the Zometa shots. Reading other threads here and doing my own research I have come to learn of the added benefits to the drug and the short-lived side effects. I'll keep an open mind and try it . . . once. If I have severe troubles with it then I will question it to my onc again.
I've been on the Femara now for almost a week and already I am developing some of the severe side effects that took me off Arimidex. I have the joint pain, fatique, etc. . . . But I am also developing back pain, chest pain and abdominal pain (lower right quadrant). Does anybody have experience with these types of side effects with Femara.
I am rescheduling my first Zometa shot to July 10. It had been scheduled for July 1. I decided I don't want to ruin my long July 4 holiday weekend with potentially not feeling well. I need something to keep my thoughts positive.
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Hi Kristin -- I understand the heartbreak of not having anyone to talk to or cry with -- I'm in the same place. That's why I'm here -- the ladies on this site are my ears and shoulders -- could do it without them.
I'm on Effexor, been for a long time, so it helps. Maybe your Prozac dose needs to be tweeked to help you through these stressful times? Yes, situational depression certainly adds on to our "regular" depression.
I don't have any wise words other than you are not alone. Even though we're not physically beside you, we are with you and will support you.
Elizabeth
xox
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