My wife just had a biopsy today...

thismuch
thismuch Member Posts: 3
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

It was really hard when the surgeon said the words 'it is breast cancer'. My wife is 25 and we've been married for 3 years. We've been having marital issues recently which has been hard enough to deal with and then this lump reared it's ugly head. It all happened so fast. My wife is strong and she is positive and I know she'll beat this but it'll be a long and agonizing road. We have a 2 1/2 year old girl that we both dearly adore and she'll provide a huge source of inspiration. I want to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to be there and be the husband she needs and quite frankly be the husband I WANT to be. I know the things keeping the mood light and supporting decisions on treatment but If anyone can share some other things I can do to make this easier on my wife please do. I recently have been reading stories on this board and have been inspired and moved by the support everyone has given to each other. It really makes things a little easier to handle. Thanks in advance.

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Comments

  • reen
    reen Member Posts: 164
    edited June 2009

    I think you already get it.  Be there.  I'm sorry your family has to deal with this.  Thinking of you all.

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  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited June 2009

    I am so sorry your wife has to join the cruddy club!.....You already are doing a lot to help....Just be there for her and let her take the lead......Please come as often as you like and also encourage your wife to come here too.....She will find lots of support and so will you......You iwll find all the ladies here are terrific people and will be right there through it all with you....We all have been through one end and out the other at least once here so don't be afraid to ask the tough questions.....I wish you both luck and looking for an early stage..........

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  • ghety
    ghety Member Posts: 478
    edited June 2009

    The only bit of frustration I had with my husband was that he always tried to "fix" my down moments. Sometimes you just have to let us vent our fears and not try to convince that everything will be fine. This is cancer and there are no guarantees that it will be fine. Not saying that to scare you its just to point out that the fears are legitimate and need to be expressed. trying to stop them or squelch them just doesn't work. Sometimes you will just need to listen and let her cry. You two are so young, it just seems incredibly unfair that you have to deal with this. Remind her often that you admire her strength and continue to love her. You're a good husband to be searching out answers. Good Luck to your whole family, I hope you get lots of good news along the way!

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  • reen
    reen Member Posts: 164
    edited June 2009

    Make her toast when she asks.

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  • thismuch
    thismuch Member Posts: 3
    edited June 2009

    Thanks for the kind words and the great ideas. I certainly will try to avoid 'fixing' and just listen and accept. I think that is a very important suggestion. And I will def make her toast lol. I have to say we had some great conversations throughout the day and night yesterday and my wife is so inspiring. She makes me so proud to be the mother of our child.

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  • Sandygirl
    Sandygirl Member Posts: 55
    edited June 2009

    Thinking back to what helped me was when my husband told me how proud he was of me.  It made me hold my head a little higher and continue to be strong when I didn't think I could.  Telling me that was just as powerful as any medication.  Sounds like you will do a great job of supporting her.

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  • idaho
    idaho Member Posts: 1,187
    edited June 2009

    Just hold her when she cries... Peace to you, Tami

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  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited June 2009
    A good foot massage really helps too with the stress......Wink.......Keep us posted, this........
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  • thismuch
    thismuch Member Posts: 3
    edited July 2009

    The diagnosis came in today for my wife. She has IDC stage 3 grade 3 and nothing in the nodes. She has another surgery next Monday to put in a port I guess for chemo treatments. It's def not the news we were hoping for but we're trying to get past all of it. Def seems pretty serious to be at a stage 3 but we're certainly not experts.I am continuing to provide whatever help and support I can. I try to listen but I think sometimes I say too much. But it's a learning process and I know together will beat this thing. Thanks for all the support and I guess we'll keep everyone posted.

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  • bobthemod1963
    bobthemod1963 Member Posts: 5
    edited July 2009

    Hi thismuch,  I too am having a few problems with my wife and our relationship. I posted my thoughts here today, and wait for others to reply. just hang on in there do your very best, give a bit of space now and again for you BOTH. Keep doing what you are doing good luck !

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  • MRSROCKYTOP55
    MRSROCKYTOP55 Member Posts: 403
    edited July 2009

    This much and Bob,  Things like this happen and it really makes you appreciate what is really important in this world.  These ladies are lucky to have you both.  My husband has been great, but one thing I have noticed that since time has worn on, it has been over 8 months now, he appears to be growing weary of all the treatments and appointments, as am I.  We spend some days not speaking much and he seems to be less interested in how I feel.  I know he loves me and wants the best for me, but when you come back from a bad session of chemo, it is nice for a little extra attention.  So I guess this is just a note to remember this may be a long road and try not to forget what you are feeling now.  God Bless, Kathy

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  • bobthemod1963
    bobthemod1963 Member Posts: 5
    edited July 2009

    Thanks for the reply,MRSROCKYTOPS55,ITS NICE TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE TAKE TIME TO READ THESE POSTS AND REPLY IN A POSITIVE WAY,   GOD BLESS YOU.

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  • rkt
    rkt Member Posts: 793
    edited July 2009

    Dear thismuch,

    I am one year into my diagnosis with stage iv bc (bone mets).  How I could have survived without my husband of 24 years I do not know!  He really stepped up to the plate.  He helps with housework (we  clean one day a week, Saturday morning - no more needing to have spotlessly clean house every evening!).  If I cook, he cleans up kitchen.  He has changed over the past year, and the biggest thing I have noticed is that he offers sympathy . .  If i have a pain, and I complain that my back hurts, he just says 'I am sorry".  In the past (pre-BC), he would have offered solutions or advice on how to avoid a hurt back (i.e, try to 'fix' the problem as noted  by posters above).

    He also goes for walks with me every night - not something he enjoys, or would have done before I got cancer, I know he does it because he knows it is good for me, and I may not be motivating myself to walk, because I am so tired.  But he suggests, and I go along. 

    He goes with me to radiation every morning - I know he has things to be doing at work, but he is there right beside me - it is 30 minute drive to next town, so we have a chance to talk uninterrupted by tv or radio. 

    I had mastectomy in May, and he was there every night helping me take my shower (22 year old daughter had to hold my drains - talk about a family affair, and losing any semblance of modesty!)  He stripped my drains, measured my fluid output, without once complaining :) 

    Be there, I know it is hard, I know you are worried about your wife and the future.  You don't realize how strong you are or how strong your spouse is until something like this comes along.  If people offer to help, take them up on it. Sit down with your wife, make a list of things (xxx) that would really help you and your wife get through this if you didn't have to worry about xxx.  When someone says what can I do to help, pull something off your list. 

    Will keep you inmy thoughts and prayers.

    Becky

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