Spiritual/Christian Thread

Rachel,

I am sooo happy you had a great time. I spent this weekend with our son in Tallahassee. Just 13 months ago he called me unexpectedly late one night (the day I was diagnosed... was going to wait until the weekend to tell him and his sister)... anyway... when I answered the phone he asked, "Mom, are you OK?" I was taken by surprise and had to tell him in a disjointed fashion that I had breast cancer. He cried and cried and finally said that he was calling the campus minister to pray with him.

The year has passed and I am also back to work... the weather was gorgeous and though we spent Saturday getting groceries and doing laundry... we were together and I was well again! We capped off the day with the new Star Wars movie and then went to church today... I enjoyed so much being in his presence and remembering that I was advised to abort him 21 years ago because of heavy bleeding but refused and sought another opinion. What miracles God performs when we trust in Him!

Pat

Kathy,
When you do return to nursing, you will be such a blessing to your patients! I saw a new patient today with a BC history and she was able to communicate her fears and expressed her thanks to God that He arranged the appointment with me... she didn't know my history before coming to our office. The doc saw her husband and I saw her. We shared how this whole trial has made our faith stronger and rearranged priorities. We must daily lift up our children that they will hear the call of God in their lives. I pray this everyday.
Be blessed this week!
Pat

Kathy,
Thanks for the "congrats". I was wondering where you were. We will be beginning our move this "Memorial Day" weekend. It will be a memory maker. I am going to be so glad to put this little apartment behind me. It screams of cancer treatment memories!

I am going to rent some of those movies and watch them. I'll be talking with you about them.

The weight thing - I have a friend, a very, very dear lady who does that with food. She really does idolize it. She is such a caring person, and I think really doesn't get enough TLC for herself. Always giving. I think food is just her subconscious way of getting something back, or something. It is very hard for her. I'm encouraging her, and asking her how she is doing at least a couple of times a week, and it is helping her get motivated.

Kathy, get out and walk, EVERY DAY, two times a day. I started gaining weight, I think because of the Arimidex. Just a few pounds, but I'm not eating much, not enough to cause weight gain. So, I figure that if I walk, more and more, then I probably won't gain weight, might even lose a little. If I walk even more, then I can eat more. Yes!!!! I like that idea. Also, I want to do my part to win the battle against breast cancer, and exercise is on the list.

Plus, you know, though I was a missionary, and still am, I am so very imperfect. Funny, I say I was a missionary and people get this idea formed in their heads that I'm, uh, just, I don't know, just different than who I am. I have so many faults and imperfections, my tongue being my worst enemy. So, anyway, I have prayed and begged God to help me with this, and I have found that walking really helps. It's a self control thing, I guess. And when I feel frustrated, I walk. I talk to God about what's bothering me. This morning I took a paper on which I had printed up Psalm 34, and worked on memorizing it as I walked, which wasn't difficult because the first 4 verses I already know as a song. It struck me this morning, saying that verse over and over, "I will extol the Lord; his praise will awlays be on my lips." Well, I thought, if indeed I make it my intent for His praise to always be on my lips, then other it will be impossible for other words to be there too. Make sense?

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I didn't get enough sleep last night.

I have my first PT appointment this morning, actually in another hour, so I gotta get off this board, huh? I'm gonna have to hurry, I see.

Anyway, I live in Salem, Oregon. Not close to the border at all. It takes us about 48 hours of driving time to get to our place in Mexico. Where we will be going next month.

Well, best go. Got lots more to share. About what we might be doing here, now that we're not going to be going to be living in Mexico full time.

Well, just let me say - we had a board meeting the other day for our non-profit organization that we have, and discussed our possible options for ministry here. We are going to keep involved in our church, my husband leads worship, and he's going to be starting a Sunday night service, teaching through the book of Luke. I'm going to be taking over the children's ministry there. (Aren't many kids now, but watch out, it'll grow. I love kids, and love teaching them, and involving myself in their lives, soccer games, etc. That's what it takes, love.) And then, we're going to get involved in the Union Gospel Mission here, and also I'm considering mentoring ladies in the women's prison, at least I'll be visiting one lady, a friend of a friend of mine, who is in there for 6 months. I want to test the waters in many areas, and see what works. I'm just not afraid of people, and love them, and so want to test different areas. I've always wondered about visiting people in prison. I have a friend, a nurse, who works in the ladies prison.
Anyway, and then, I have been involved with a place here, where we get help for our handicapped boy, and they like me there and are encouraging me to start up a support group here in Salem. There is nothing, nothing, nothing for parents of handicapped children to connect with each other, no support system at all. So, I am going to research and see what I can do. Maybe I can help, maybe not.
I'm just open to letting God stretch me, and use me, however He will. His strength is mine, he can equip me to do His will, to help people, to love people. To point them to Him.
Well, gotta rush.
I'm so glad to hear from you. Thought I'd lost ya.
Please, go for a walk today. I will check up on you and ask you. Don't worry about the food. Just WALK. K?
Caroltina (Carol)

Hey, I've seen that movie "Napoleon Dynamite" with my husband, daughter, and pastor (who is an old time friend, for 35 years). I felt sorry for the guy, so wasn't as humored by it. What I did find humorous was watching all of them laugh so hard at everything. Now, that was funny! I'll have to check that book out. Thanks for sharing. I had a good pt visit. I posted about it. I'm glad you are walking. Keep up the good work. My pulse was high through chemo, too, and was high before, too, but not as bad. Maybe the walking will help? I hope so.
Yeah, I could just get involved and more involved in things, without knowing for sure which way to go. That's why I'm just testing the waters at this point, and asking people to pray, and praying, that God will guide and equip us, and help us know for sure what He has for us. It's good that you are so involved in sharing your lives. Be careful with the lady living with you. I'm sure it's fine, but, that's what happened with our daughter. Shared her home with her best friend who needed help, and her two children, and poof, her husband fell, and now they are divorced. We thought it would be no problem, and were in favor of helping her. It is not wise, though. None of us ever thought anything like that would happen, or could happen, to them. They were very happily married. So we thought. Don't be weird, or anything, but do be wise. K? I hate saying that. But, oh well, you know where I'm coming from.
Got to let my hubby have this computer now.
Woops. Went passed my time.
TTYL
Carol

Hi there, Rachel. Glad you could identify with me, and my tongue. I understand what you mean about Eve. You are right, in a way. But you know what, it really was the devil who was the one behind the whole thing, tempting her. She was the first to sin, for sure, though, and then man. The Bible says somewhere that woman is the weaker. However, they did both choose. Oh, where is that? I could find it. The Bible says that Eve was deceived, and so she was punished for her sin. But, it says that Adam sinned with his eyes wide open, knowing exactly what he was doing, intending to do it. He was even more accountable for what he did than she was. If you're interested I can find that for you. Anyway, because of them we all are born with sinful natures, even a little child, you can see that selfish nature in them. Me first! Listen to me! It's just human nature. We all have it. That's why we need a redeemer, a perfect redeemer, and that's why none of us can be that redeemer. The only one born without that sinful nature was Jesus, (as well as that He chose to never sin, was always perfect) whose father is God, and who is himself God. That's why He could pay the price, the penalty for our sin - because He was and is perfect, holy, the perfect lamb of God. Isn't that great?

I don't know about you, but this cancer garbage has made me feel like a horrible sinner, which I am. After my surgery, when I thought I was going to die any day, I was scared to death (oh, what a play on words!). I was so scared, thought that death would just be dark, emptiness. Scared, even though a month before that, and all my life, I had such faith in God, and trust in Him.
Anyway, I was scared, too, of, well, that I wouldn't be accepted by God, because of how grumpy and, well, it's a bad word, but, the b word, you know b - i - t __ __ y.
Rrrr. Funny. I don't swear, you know, too good for that.
Confession is, that when I get upset, with my dear hubby (who can really pull my strings, and I his) I let come out of my mouth quite a flow of such words. Ohh, how I don't want that, but how it still happens. Just does.

I have felt, how on earth, dear God, can You continue to forgive this horrible habit I have, of blurting out such garbage, when I'm upset, or hurt? How?

Then, after treatment sometime, it occurred to me to look at Jesus. He, upon the cross, with what upon Him? Awwww, yes, my SIN. That was right up there with Him. He took it upon Him. So now when I think about my sin, which I feel like the worst sinner in the world when I let myself yield to my mouth, I try to get a grip, and look at that sin, up there with Him, and ask Him to forgive me and think about that, and know that this is what He died for.

And yes, I've asked Him to help me get a grip on this bad quality of my personality. He didn't just pay the price for me, so I could just keep on in that, but so that I would be free from it. And I want to be free from that. I want that more than anything. I do not want to go the rest of my life giving in to that. I want to be done with that.

Now how is that for a TRUE CONFESSION. No, it's not some horrible thing, like adultery, or murder, or pornography, or drugs, or whatever. But, somehow, it sure made me feel like just the worst sinner in the world. Totally unacceptible, unforgiveable. I would never tell anyone else that they were the worst sinner in the world for that, if they told me this. But, for me, I just felt HORRIBLE!

This walking has really helped me. When I feel a stressful situation about to occur, if possible, I sneak away and walk. It is so good! And pray, or sing, or just listen to whatever I hear. I feel so good, like maybe I'm on to something. Maybe I'm going to get a grip on this. I really and truly PRAISE GOD for this hope. He is so good, isn't He?

And the verse came to my mind (don't know where it's found - should, but don't) "If it be possible, as much as lieth within you (garsh, King James Version is stuck in my memory) live peaceably with all men. (IF IT BE POSSIBLE) Guess that includes my hubby, huh? He's the only person I've ever in my life talked to like I do, swearing and stuff. The ones we love the most, they are the ones we are most vulnerable to show our worst side, isn't it true? I get so sensitive, and hurt so easily, and react, and then he reacts, and then, back and forth, until, those words come out. Those horrible words!

Garsh, I feel so vulnerable sharing all this. But, oh well. It's probably good to make myself vulnerable. Maybe it will help someone. Maybe not. But, I'm sure you'll pray for me, and I value that a lot.

But, whether I fail again or not, I know something now that I didn't know. Should have. Thought I did. But, I didn't, not like I do now. Thing is, I'm forgiven. Always will be. He saw to that. I'm so glad I know that!

Let's keep encouraging each other, and building each other up. K?

Caroltina

Carol, isn't it the absolute most infuriating thing when you realize what you've said or done, and would have never ever done this under normal circumstances? My mouth is my very very worst enemy. So many times if only I stopped and thought rationally, and simply asked the Lord what He'd have me do, that would be the end of it, and I'd never take it a step further. My husband and I are extreme opposites and he generally is very thoughtful before he says something (maybe that's why I was livid when I read his journal the other night, it was so out of character to hear him talk or think like that). LOL Yes, one would HOPE that taught me a lesson, but ..... with me, you just never know. When I first met him 4 years ago, I did the same thing, found a journal he kept a year before I even knew him, read it, and got my feelings hurt, felt like he would never love me like he had loved the person he was writing about....Can you believe what a repeat offender I am? I told him what I did, and in a way of apology, I bought him this nice leather bound journal that I so secretly read the other night. 4 years later, and still acting a fool. I tell him straight out, how nosy I am, put passwords on anything like that if it's in the computer... and I really mean it, keep me out of temptation. I didn't tell him about the other night, never brought up what I'd read, and thanks to Kathy, I saw that he was a being a decent person, but not keeping his feelings stuffed inside and not venting to me, or someone in our lives, just writing it all down in there. A much safer, more mature option. Thank God for good advice and compassionate friends. Gonna get in bed, have a good day ladies.

Pat, I hadn't heard of this walking tape, but glad you recommended it. I will try to find it. I need to get going so bad. How I hope that survey is correct and the exercise will cut recurrence by 50%. That's as good as treatment! does it mean I can stop my Tamoxifen if I start walking every day????? Oh how we wish that was the case. Walking is another opportunity to regain some control over this disease, empower ourselves. Do you think it matters if we walk that long or longer, but in shorter spurts like 10 or 15 min @ a time?

Carol,

The plot for A Midsummer Night's Dream is that Theseus, the duke of Athens, is getting married. As part of the celebration, a group of working men decide to put on a play and go into the woods to rehearse. As a subplot, Hermia is in love with Lysander, but her father wants her to marry Demetrius. Helena, Hermia's friend is in love with Demetrius. This foursome are out in the woods as well, because Hermia and Lysander are running away from her father. Puck is a mischievous little fairy imp who casts spells on people for amusement. There is a whole host of fairies in the woods that night. The play is convoluted, but it is such a good comedy. I have not seen the later version. Hope this helps. My husband and son just came through the room while I had the Shakespeare book down to see how to spell the names for you. They said why are you quoting Shakespeare on the breast cancer site? My son said what does that have to do with breast cancer? When I told my husband it was just women and we find out about each other besides breast cancer he said that was right. He is amazed at what I can find out about people just by talking to them. He calls me Nosey-Rosey because there is not much I will not ask, although I don't think I'm rude. There is a fine line. Anyway, need to go to bed; I'm going to chemo with a friend tomorrow and her chemo lasts six hours.

God bless your day!
Kathy

Rachel,

I don't know about CO Q10, but I do know about exercising. I have proven that to myself. The heart is a muscle and the more workout we give it the stronger it will be, within reason, of course. I have read Dr. Ken Cooper's books and I was faithful in running in my early 20's before I had kids. I have had a weight problem most of my life. I had been walking before I was diagnosed, trying to get in 2 miles in less than thirty minutes. My knees and current weight make it hard to run very much. I don't know if I will ever run again, but walking can give me a good workout. Given your original ejection fraction, I think it could be improved with exercise that is consistent and moderate. Cardio three times a week and milder forms three to four times a week would do it. It will take a month or so for you to notice improvement, but I bet it will happen. I just got back from the gym as I type this. I try to let my arm cool down before showering, so it is a good time to be on the boards. When I went to radiation, it was all I could do to walk from the parking lot to the radiation area. I pushed myself to try to get faster everyday and it worked. As I got in better shape and my blood counts rose, I could definitely feel the difference. It felt good.

God bless your day!
Kathy

Rachel,
I think 15 minutes a day is better than nothing. We have to keep moving. I like the 4 mile tapes because I can always stop at any point if I need to and do the cool down. I just found out that the nurse of one of my surgeons is moving down the street and she walks 2-4 miles a day. I told her to come by and nag me to go with her. We have to keep this temple in shape.
Pat

Caroltina-our diagnosises came at almost the same time-I was diagnosed on Oct 11, 2004! I also really just turned it over to the Lord. I read a great book and reread, The Red Sea Rules. It is 10 chapters, very small and explains that we are right where the Lord wants us to be and is a comparison to the Istraelites being sved by crossing the red sea. It shows that no matter how hopeless we feel the Lord will take care of us. Some days it is easier not to remember that and try to take this all on ourselves.
You were the second person yesterday to comment on Phil 4:13. I have run into that verse so many times on this journey it is unreal! Heidi

Heidi,
Actually my diagnosis was much earlier. I had surgery September 13. Then started chemo October 15. When was your surgery, and when did you start chemo? What are your stats? lymph nodes? etc.? Mine are: bilateral mastectomy, grade 3 tumor, 14+ lymph nodes, 100% estrogen positive.

I will check into that book. Sounds very good. I love the OT.

Caroltina

Just finished my "temple molding" (exercise). I have gotten back in the habit so I actually look forward to it and it isn't such a chore. This has been a good week. Able to "stoke the spiritual coals" of a few patients. So many times when we meet adversity... the question is "Why, God?" But God has often been left out of the mix until the crisis has occurred. He loves us and wants a RELATIONSHIP. My husband's favorite gospel song is Dottie Peeples..."He's an On-time God"..."He's not there when yah want Him. He's there when yah need Him. He's right on time!" He is ALWAYS there because we always need Him but we use Him like an "on-call God". This whole BC adventure has certainly reinforced the desire God has for open communication with us. I got the book, "Give Me 40 Days for Healing" by Freeda Bowers when I started chemo... it is a 40 day prayer journal and very powerful. I have recommended it to several patients and fellow church members. Freeda (a pastor's wife) prefaces the book with her own need for healing through prayer during a tough time in her life. Each day has a lesson and prayer focus. The reader then reflects on the lesson and applied it to his/her own situation through journalling. I have been able to read back over last year and see how God has brought me through each day and I have become so much more aware of His love for me. I have shared with each of my physicians that I pray for them daily. One has told me how much that means to him... the others have been silent but that is OK. We are the messenger, not the Savior. Sisters, to those we encounter, we are a visible manifestation of God's love when we testify about how He continues to bring us through our trials... even if we are bald, chunky and, like me, have LE garments. The curiosity is there, "How can you praise God when you have had breast cancer?" For me that is a door wide open and I have no trouble sharing the provisions given me because I am His.
Sisters, may your joyous hearts doeth good like a medicine!!!
Pat

Caroltina, I am gonna go look for this book right now on Amazon, I love that site. That sounds like a great book, and reading your words right now, feel like they were meant for me. I have a co-worker, Pam who does housekeeping in our unit, that may have lost her job due to harassment, and unjustified claims by a secretary in our unit, who is known for being mean and ugly to people. Pam has 3 small kids, and just so happens that Tuesday night, she shared a little with me, and told me she had prayed for her job, the Lord had given it to her, and the devil wasn't gonna ruin her, or make her retailiate, she was set on doing the right thing, and ignoring the crap basically. Well, on Wedneday, she was suspended...and probably will be fired Monday if it didn't occur Friday. Everyone is in shock, we had no idea what was being done or said against her, she doesn't gossip or complain. I believe God sent her to talk to me Tuesday night, so I'd be aware of what was going on. Otherwise, nobody would have known, secrets @ work, nobody allowed to tell anything when someone is fired, etc. So, anyways, I am real upset for her, and the sad thing is, we don't know her phone number or how to contact her. It's against policy to give an employees number out. So, several of us got together and wrote our feelings down, and this will be presented to her main boss Monday. As it turned out, the boss that is 4 levels up from her immediate boss was there last night, isn't God good??? And of course, he was glad I talked to him, and told him how upset we were, that Pam was nothing but excellent in her work. I have been her supervisor, as the co-ordinator of my unit for 9 months before being off with bc. All of us have written up a complaint that she has been dismissed, and we have emphasized that she is nothing but excellent, quietly goes about her job, anticipates what you need done, you NEVER have to ask her! So, I guess upper management may not be real happy with us, but that's what we did, and I want you all to please pray for her to get her job back. I think the devil is testing her faith. How ironic, that it happened the very next night. She told me "Rachel, sometimes how you react to something is more important than anything you can say to them. Your actions speak louder than words." I know we were meant to have this conversation, the Lord was wrapped up in all of it. Sadly,she's not in the phone book. I don't know what church she goes to, so I sent word by her co-workers in housekeeping that if anyone knows her phone number, please call her and tell her we are trying to get her job back. I also made copies of all of the wonderful things we wrote about her, so that the evidence won't "disappear". It's not the first time that someone has been falsely accused of something by ONE person, and got fired, without a proper investigation. I am so proud of one of my coworkers, she is so red neck, like me...LOL but so much braver. She actually spit it out, and told the truth on the matter. The woman who caused Pam to lose her job is racist, and hates Pam cuz she is black. (all of us are white that wrote the letters). So, thanks for listening, please pray for Pam, that God will bless her with peace, and to keep the faith. She is being tested, but I know her faith is strong.

Caroltina-wow our diagnosis is close. I had bilateral surgery, grade 3 tumor, 3 nodes+ ER+70% and her2neu+++.
Thank you so much for posting that about the Red Sea Rules. I read a chapter when I feel that "scared of the unknown" feeling creep in. It is more like a guide for me.
Rachel-that is some story. You are such a good person thinking of others.
I hope you all have a good weekend. Heidi