Dh question: feeling alone and isolated

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comingtoterms
comingtoterms Member Posts: 421
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I don't quite know what to do for my DH.  He has been so wonderful and supportive these last five months and I  could not have gotten through this without him.  He just said today that over this whole time only one person has asked how he was doing - only one.  We have terrific family on both sides and I know they are more consumed with me than they are with him - isn't that always the way?  I thank him frequently for being there for me, but my three oldest children (his stepchildren) are naturally worried about their mom and our eight year old is just concerned about everyone in general.  He is a very sensitive man who didn't get much attention as a child and I know this contributes to what we are dealing with now, but I truly don't know what to do for him.  I bought the book "Breast Cancer Husband" and hope he will read it, I have suggested support groups and individual counseling, but it was not met with a positive response.  I am putting myself first for the first time in my entire 48 years of life and will not allow this to get me down, but the empathetic side of me will never go away.  Any suggestions?

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  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited June 2009

    If he's not into support groups or  individual therapy, would he like to have a big discussion with you, completely centered on him?    I know this may be a burden on you, and he not want to share his concerns about you with you.

    I think that communication is very important, though.  Does he have friends he can talk to?

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  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited June 2009

    Do you have a social worker at your hospital?  Mine is great for dealing with these kinds of issues.  If you do, you might ask her to give him a call and he might open up with her, since she is a professional who has dealt with this many times before.

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  • denise1962
    denise1962 Member Posts: 193
    edited June 2009

    I too belive it is all about me now, but I have mention to family and friends to please ask DH how he is doing. Sometimes they just need a reminder.

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  • Marple
    Marple Member Posts: 19,143
    edited June 2009

    I agree with Denise.  Until one has experienced what it's like they have no idea how difficult it is for the partner.  It always made me cry thinking how hard it must have been for my DH while I was getting treatment.  That's all you have to do........simply ask people to ask how he is.  They will only need to be reminded the once. 

    Gentle hugs to you and your DH.

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  • smithlme
    smithlme Member Posts: 1,322
    edited June 2009

    Ask family and friends to have dinner, drinks, a ballgame, whatever, with him, so he can vent or just go out and feel "normal" for a couple of hours. Yes, it IS all about you, yet, our family and friends need their time to deal with our issues, too. I've seen more than one relationship fall apart after a diagnosis or life changing event. Communication and compassion make a huge difference...

    Linda

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  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited June 2009

    If you have a married friend who had/has bc, maybe he should talk to her husband.

    I have a close friend who had bc a few years ago. The night before I went into the hospital for my surgery, her husbnd (who is a good friend of my dh) came over to talk to him. IMMENSELY helpful, since men sometimes have as much trouble saying "I need someone to talk to" as they have talking about feelings.

    Also, quietly pass the word to friends/family to ask him how he is.

    Leah

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  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited June 2009

    What great suggestions!  I'd also like to tag onto what Leah suggested.  Talking to a bc-survivor-friend's DH would be great, but even talking to the friend herself can be helpful.  I was amazed at how many questions a friend (she is also going through bc) of mine's DH had for me the first time I met him.  It was surprisingly obvious to me that he was relieved to find out that what I'd gone through was so similar to what his wife was going through.  All of us here on BCO have comfort in knowing each other's similar experiences, and -- in addition to the emotional support and talking about it that our DHs need, they also just need shared knowledge to understand that what we're going through is normal in terms of bc dx & tx.    Deanna

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  • Debonthelake
    Debonthelake Member Posts: 244
    edited June 2009

    I often thought throughout my cancer experience that the whole thing was much more difficult for my husband than it was for me.  I talked to him about this.  I acknowledged how very difficult it had been for him and that I thought it was probably more difficult for him than it had been for me.  This seems to have helped him a lot.  He was wonderfully supportive and I think thanking him and showing my gratitude has made a big difference.  Cancer is a family experience.

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  • Momushka
    Momushka Member Posts: 33
    edited June 2009

    I'm new here - diagnosed just a week ago (wow - seems like an eternity has already passed) - so I'm not up on all the lingo.  It's obvious to me that DH is the hubby, but what is the "D" all about?  And why can't "the boys" have their own thread here?

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  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited June 2009

    There is the For Family and Friends of those who have breast cancer forum, below.

    http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/16

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  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited June 2009

    Momushka ~  There's also a thread here that gives abbreviations, like DH (Dear Husband or Darling Husband), and all the other commonly used ones.  I'll try to give you a link to it.  If the link doesn't work, I just bumped the thread, which is called "Abbreviations for newbies -updated," so should appear on the first or second  page of Active Topics now for awhile.

    Abbreviations for newbies - updated

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  • Momushka
    Momushka Member Posts: 33
    edited June 2009

    This is great - thanks - I hadn't found this thread before.....

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  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited June 2009

    Momushka ~  Glad that helped.  Also, since you're new... just a word of warning to be judicious using your posts.  Did you know that you're only allowed 5 within a 24 hr. period until you have 25 (?) posts (I think that's the #; but not absolutely sure).  This is done to prevent spamming or other kinds of computer attacks.  After 5 within 24 hrs., you'll get an error message saying you can't post again for 24 hrs., which can be so disappointing and frustrating, especially when you're first dx'd and you have so many questions.   Deanna

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2009

    Okay, I'm single but still want to add my 2 cents FWIW. 

    Comingtoterms - your DH may not be interested in face-to-face support groups but will he visit the 'friends/family' thread?  I don't think many of us thought we would become such good friends and truly "sisters" when we first came here but look at us (hmmm, maybe that's not a good thing).  He may find some sense of community talking online.

    For all of you, there are all kinds of "get togethers" in various areas and perhaps there would be an interest for couples to connect in the same way.  That way all the DHs could meet the others and know that they are not alone.   If you already do that, forgive me I missed that thread!

    Okay, sorry if I hijacked this; going to lurk elsewhere now. 

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  • comingtoterms
    comingtoterms Member Posts: 421
    edited June 2009

    I knew that if I posted this question I could count on you to offer suggestions and support - you always come through.  I never even thought about just being frank and asking friends and family to  ask how he is doing.  What a simple and ideal notion that is:  just to ask.  I also didn't know that there was a family/friends thread.  These are wonderful suggestions.   I don't have any friends who are going through this and my DH isn't one for sharing with anyone but me, really.  I know what comfort I find here, and want him to find the same, somewhere...Thank you my dear friends.  Tammy

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