Bad Feeling...

Abbey, I haven't had the same feeling about me (I was almost 50 when I was diagnosed and I run AdjuventOnline, but conveniently don't look at the parts of the graph that upset me)--but I vividly remember when my older daughter was born with a heart defect, and I had an ancient medical text that said it was universally fatal, and I remember crying to my husband that we shouldn't buy any more clothes.

She's 24 and married now, and the hole in her ventricle closed by itself in a year.

I think the important thing, for you, is that you can't really predict the future and while gut reactions are important, the most important thing is to keep on doing all those things that give you pleasure. It makes perfect sense after being diagnosed at 26 to shake your faith in your healthy and long future.

I would imagine a lot of other women feel the way you do. 

Abbey, I was certain the lump was nothing: so what do I know about gut feelings? But on the other hand, it's the only time I ever went to the gyn without a scheduled appointment, and my last mammogram had only been 6 months before--so my gut was telling me something. 

I'm just impressed that you are living each day to the fullest.

Kira 

Abbey ~  I saw your post earlier today and didn't have time to respond.  But, I found myself thinking about you during the day, and wanted to offer a couple of thoughts I've had about your question.

First, I don't think you're totally crazy or even the slightest bit crazy.  I have a feeling that what might be happening to you is some sort of protective defense mechanism -- in other words, if on any level you think you might have a recurrence, and God forbid it happens, well, then it's not so big a shock, because you were right.  I'm not a psychologist, but I know our minds can do strange things to protect us, and unless you've always been incredibly psychic, I don't see how you could ever know the future.

The other thing I want to suggest is that you talk to a psychologist who deals with breast cancer patients.  Most hospitals have them on staff, and they're usually available at no charge as part of your care.  I've done it twice, and both times was always so glad I did because they gave me a better understanding of something that was concerning me, as well as some practical coping strategies.  My concern is that even though you love your life and feel that you're living it to the fullest now, if the belief that you'll have a recurrence continues to haunt your thoughts, you may find your decisions subconsciously influenced by it, and at some point no longer be really living life to the fullest because of it.

Hope this helps you and sueps, as well ~  Deanna

Gitane, that's a really interesting concept: "the void"--I think we all experience it, and usually after the mad rush of fighting through treatment is over, and it can coincide with when we're expected to "move on"--and then this directionless feeling occurs. I've experienced it. I always thought that bc was just too monumental to be integrated/understood/experienced at once--that it is a process.

Abbey--you obviously put into words a feeling that a lot of us experience.

I do go to a therapist, but I don't think I get a whole lot out of it...Grief is not necessarily pathological--it's a process. Debonthelake quoted that those who grieve will be comforted.

I once went to a medical lecture on PTSD, and discovered that there is no real agreement on how to treat it--the old belief that talking it out, ASAP, didn't hold up when studied.

Thanks for raising the topic.

More good thoughts coming your way.

Kira 

Abbey,  Let us know more about your marathon and your participation in it when that time comes.  We will happily cheer you on!

Vavoom10,  There are 2 books I like that are directly related to our breast cancer experience.  One is Picking Up the Pieces, by Sheri Magee and Kathy Scalzo, the other one is After Breast Cancer by Hester Hill Schnipper. 

Abbey ~  It's a shame the psychologist you saw wasn't a good fit for you.  I've actually seen 2 at two different hospitals, and even though they were both good, one was far easier to talk to and had a very straight-forward communication style.  The other was a bit more wordy and academic in her approach,  I got some good ideas from her, but she wasn't nearly as easy to talk to.  I'm only telling you this to point out that they're not all the same, and perhaps you can find someone better than the one you saw.

Gitane ~ Boy, I could really relate to the "no man's land" or "void" you talked about.  In fact, last week I had lunch with a very dear friend and that's exactly what I was experiencing as I listened to her talk about things that no longer seemed worth the drama to me.   At one point, in response to her inquiry, I tried to share with her that while I was feeling great physically, something was just "different" for me these days, which she quickly chalked off to a probable lack of estrogen!  How in the world do you begin to describe what we've been through emotionally to someone who has never experienced it?  (That's just a rhetorical question -- no answer expected.)  And I'm so glad to see your book recommendations.  I'm going to look into those.    Deanna

Vavoom10,  PILC for me is a short way to write pleomorphic invasive lobular carcinoma.  Mine is considered kind of a rare breast cancer, too. 

My first 6mo. mammo, after treatment(chemo/rads), is on Tuesday, and I have the same feeling of dread.  Today, I even thought I have a bad feeling about this, and imagined the moment I get the sympathetic look, from the women giving me the mammography.  Then, I realized I was just doing this to relieve the fear.  If I think the worst than it can't be as bad. Glad to know, I'm not alone...

Gitane, I read After Breast Cancer, and refer back to it, frequently.  I'll get the other book, thanks.

sagit ~ Not to refute what you wrote, but I think we have to be careful about letting negative thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  It's very true that some people are extremely intuitive, and some even have psychic visions we can't explain.  But, on the other hand, people can create their own realities by picturing something often enough that it becomes reality.  In fact, seeing yourself as you want to be, or surrounding yourself with pictures of the life you want, is one of the basic psychological tenents of goal setting and achieving --  goal boards, dress for success, "fake it 'til you make it," etc.  But, unfortunately, the same thing can happen with negative thoughts if we dwell on them; they become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I once knew a young girl who was absolutely convinced and told everyone she knew that she was going to die young -- in a convertible with red upholstery, no less -- so she had a very specific  vision.  Well, she became an entrepreneur with a very successful store, and I don't know what ever happened to her vision, because she's still around 30 years later.  I'm just sharing this because I don't want anyone to get too concerned about a persistent negative image or thought.  Sometimes these can be an escape mechanism our minds use to handle stress -- similar to a nightmare or a weird dream.  So, if you're having bad thoughts that you can't shake, I think talking to a psychologist or social worker might be a first step to stopping the negative thought process.        Deanna 

dlb, i think u r abselutely right saying that we create our reality, and i'm sorry if i sounded negative.

 I am so glad I found this thread. You all describe exactly what I am feeling. I am 9 days away from my last  chemo and have been doing alot of thinking of what next? I've had the "feeling" - sure that from here on it's borrowed time til it comes back. I'm 35. before I was diagnosed I had the feeling that "something" was wrong. the dx just confirmed that in my mind. I wasn't horribly unhealthy but I could have been better- in light of the bc I did  a lot "wrong"- didn't have kids, moderately overwreight, I like to drink beer, smoked socially, not to mention the family history of BC I was unaware of (insurance won't pay for BCRA test- so I don't know). So this is a wake up call and at the time I felt positive that this would give me the incentive/motivation to make the changes I have been procrastinating. But recovering from surgery and going through chemo have been the ultimate in procrastination excuses.

now that's its almost over-I have to make changes. And decisons about further treatment- rads or not (gray area), tamoxifen or ovaries out and AI- or go natural route alone.

 I am going to ask about counseling at my onc's. In the past, I've used it a few times and gotten a lot out of just going once or twice to help me figure out what's next. I've struggled with depression for a long time-I'm starting to realize it can manifest in a couple different ways- the hormonal cylical kind (which has been gone since I've been in chemopause- kinda nice)- and then the depression I get that is a signal that something in my life needs to change and I need to figure out what it is.

I want to check out those books too.It's really nice to know that others are feeling the same.

Abbey - I absolutely know what you're saying. I'd catch myself thinking that so often and I'd have to just shake myself to stop. First, because it was driving me crazy and second because of the fear of self-fulfilling prophecy. it's like, "Am I thinking this because it's a premonition or am I thinking of this because it's a fear and now I'm going to bring it on myself!!??" I'm saying this in the past tense because, slowly, over the years (3 now since the end of chemo) it's happening less and less and it's actually been a while since I had that strong feeling.

(Honestly, I was happy to see your post so that I could realize I wasn't completely crazy - other people think that too!)

One thing that I keep remembering was meeting an acquaintance at Whole Foods one day while I was doing chemo. It had been seven years out for her and she said to me, "I'm just now  beginning to believe in the future." I remember, at the time, thinking how completely wild that was but I think it's really important. I definitely feel that way. And it's slowly improving. 

About a year after tx I had some back pain - there was some real point tenderness and it really worried me. I was also having some hip pain that I was totally convinced was muscular since it was kind of familiar. I had a bone scan and my onc called me up and said, "Where was the pain you were having?" I told her, my back, and she said, well, your back is fine but there's something that looks odd in your hip. I swear to you, sitting at my desk at work at that very moment my back stopped hurting and my hip started hurting! I was like, "Oh, come on! Knock it off!" but I couldn't change it with my consciousness. When the x-ray of my hip showed nothing both pains settled back down and worked their way away over time like all of the pains I've ever had. And my whole attitude changed a LOT after that. It was kind of like facing a possibility, seeing how amazingly quickly my body responded to suggestion, just sort of calmed me down. I still had those thoughts after that but less intensely, less making me feel crazy.

What a road this is!!!!!!!!!!