Abandoned feelings: How do you cope

Mazy,

We have probably had this conversation in chat. It's amazing how some people fade into the sunset, and others that you least expect, move to the front of the line. I don't know the answer or the cause, but I can bet you that everyone in chat has had this happen to them. I try to look on the positive side, and just think that it was either to much for them to handle, they didn't know what to say, or perhaps we stir some bad memories from their past. I really don't know, I just chalk it up to a learning experience, and it also keeps me mindful that I pray I never do the same to someone I once called friend. If I look at it like a learning experience, then it comes closer to making a weeeeeee bit more sense.  Hugs, and you still have us in chat !! (yes that is a good thing..lol)

Hello ladies - I hope you don't mind but I wanted to respond to your posts.  I was looking around to see if I could find someone who has gone thru this experience to. I certainly have and I don't know how to deal with it.  I too have had some friends really step up to the plate and they have been there for me every step of the way.  I have had people I hardly know step up in ways I never would have expected.  But the most suprising was the "best" friend who has fallen into the sunset like you said.  Since my diagnosis I have seen her 3 times and two were while she was on the way to some other place.  Talk about feeling like an after thought.  In going thru all this I knew I would loose my hair and have to deal with all kinds of side effects.  I knew my treatment would test every ounce of my strength.  I knew I would be "giving up" a lot of things but I never expected that I would be giving up my social life and friends.  this part has hurt more than anything the chemo has done

Thanx Mazy, 

 You are so right that it does really show someone who their friends really are and that I know to never do this to someone else.  I even called a friend of a friend's whose husband went thru chemo 3 years ago and told her that I feel ashamed of myself because I felt like I should have been there more for her.  It does hurt to know that I can count on a call every Sunday morning from her.  She waits until Sunday so as not to be caught getting asked about any plans for the weekend.  It is so obvious and I just wish I had the guts to tell her I know what she doing.  The bad part is I am not bed riden or anything - I can pretty much do whatever anyone else does so it is not like she would be giving up a party to sit by a bed.  I could go if asked she just stopped asking.  Wonder what she would do if I was layed up in bed?  I can say that it has been so amazing to see who has really been there for me.  my husband and 16 year old daughter have been absolutely amazing and this has brought us even closer than we were before.  The friends that have been there have really "BEEN there!"

I guess that is the problem - we want to say something but at this point we also wonder why bother. like you said - she didn't ask and you didn't say anything.  I am the same way.  What is done is done and can't be undone.  Especially during treatment let alone after we have so many other things to worry about and to deal with we can't even open up this can of worms

Thank you for your post, Mazy.  Yes, there certainly are angels on this board and you are certainly one of them!  I too was comforted by fellow church members and friends and parents of my children's friends who really stepped up to the plate for me.  Although my brother hurt me, I know deep down that he didn't do it on purpose...I think he and his wife just didn't know what to do.  Some people just can't cope with illness or seeing a loved one suffering.  If there's one positive thing I have taken away from having gone through the bc experience, it's knowing how much it really does mean to people to be there for them during personal crisis.

I think that those that we feel have deserted us after our diagnose, do so out of fear, plain and simple.  As they looked into our eyes upon hearing our diagnose, they saw their own reflection, and it scared them - that this too can just as easily happen to them.  They flee out of fear and it's so very sad that this has to happen to us on top of everything else that changes in our lives.  Thank God we have each other.

Hugs,

Linda   

Me too, had this happen.  Some people I didn't even know cared showed up for the surgery, brought me food, night gowns came by and checked on me and my best friends faded away.  I do forgive them but don't need them in my life anymore.  I call people like that plastic people.  The one person that hurt me the most was my mother, she just stayed out of touch.  While my 70 something year old aunt took me to chemo, was there for every surgery.  You can really separate the true friends from the plastic when something like this happens in your life.  Now, I know I can always depend of my church family.  Hope all has peace of mind over this.  hugs sherry

My sister in law, that lives in another state then me, has a friend going thru chemo and asked me what was the one thing I thought she could do that would benefit her friend the most.  I told her, go visit her!  Spend time with her!  I said it may be just to drop off a cup of soup, run a quick errand or just visit for 5 minutes.  Showing up makes the difference.  I know that once you start treatment you just don't feel like yourself and we don't know what to say, our friends don't know what to say.  Maybe we need to come up with personalized greeting cards for our friends to help them out. i.e. I really do want to see you, please come by and if I'm having a bad treatment day and I'm too tired to chat, just give me a blanket or pillow.  I'm sure there are lots of ideas out there!

3jaysmom- I know just how you feel.  When I found out I had cancer, I called my best friend (since high school).  Granted, we don't talk as much since marriage, children, and well life happened, but we are def.  friends.  She is a school teacher and she told me that since she is off in the summers, she would come by to visit alot and take me to my doc visits, chemo, or whatever I needed.  That was almost two months ago.  Haven't heard from her since.  Her dad had cancer last year and I was truly upset and called not only her, but her parents to check in from time to time and even offered to visit, but he didn't want visitors.  Not only has my friend hurt me, but my co-workers of five years seem to have forgotten all about me too.  At first, they said they were gonna cook meals, come visit, have me a pot-luck when I felt better and I could come in for lunch.....nothing!  I did get flowers a couple days after surgery, but no phone calls, cards, and a few emails at first and even they have dwindled away to nothing.  I don't know if I am mad or hurt.  I think I am hurt because I thought I meant more to people than I actually do.  It seems my mom, MIL and husband are the only ones who really care.  Even my son, who is 14 seems to be mad at me over the whole thing because I can't go to as much stuff as I did before (games, etc,)  I am not mad at my son though...i figure this is hard for him too. The one thing all of this has taught me is that if ever I am in the position where someone needs me.....I won't just say I will be there, I actually will.  I am sorry you are having it so bad.  Maybe, people just don't know what to do...i really don't know.  I think maybe, we just wake up with this reality everyday while they are going on with their daily routines and it is not something that they are of conscious of.  I hope things get better for you and I am sorry for rambling on....i have a tendency to do that.  Take Care!  Allison

Mazy- you are right this place has helped me tremendously.  I actually think it might be my new addiction.  I am on here way too much.  I like being able to talk to people who can relate to me.  I too worry about how things will be once I start chemo.  I am only four weeks into this, and so far it's not near as bad as I thought, but I am ready to feel good again....that's for sure.  I know I have a ways to go before that happens, so that is a little disheartening.  At any rate, you are right.....this just shows you who are your real friends (the ones who don't care if your hair is brushed as you put it.)  I am so thankful for the people I do have, it is just hard to not be hurt by the people you thought were your friends disappearing.  I have actually gotten to the point where I hate to talk on the phone bc I feel like I have nothing besides cancer to talk about.  Maybe, once I can get out of the house more, I will have more to talk about.  I suppose it does get pretty depressing hearing someone constantly talking about BC and treatments.  Thanks to all of you ladies.  I truly appreciate everyone on this site.  Thanks again.  Allison

Boy, I had such a great post until I hit the back button before submitting. Poof!

Anyhoo...I really really understand the feelings of abandonment and vulnerability that comes from needing help and not receiving.  I had some serious health challenges before the Breast Cancer, and carried with me the memories of the past experiences into my new challenge. 

I can say it's been better on this trip.  I did have a breast friend (interesting typo, I'll leave it from high shcol who ditched me due to her suspicions of health care, and my need for mastectomy/chemo/rad. I chose to go the bi0lateral route.  She didn't support my choices, and I am really disappointed in her choice to not check to see how I am doing. I see it as her challenge, not mine.  Still hurts.

I know we would jump up to help each other if we could.

Footstepsangel...I live some of the same day to days.  I don't have a yard, but laundry is a block away, and so is the garbage.  Vacuuming will leave me wiped out for hours.  Groceries are only what I can carry...and that is not much! I wish I could help you with your lawn...and I really mean that.  I'd take some shears, lay down and cut away.

I had a friend offer to take me grocery shopping...and she called me the other day with a 5 minute warning...almost 2 months after she had asked me if I needed help ( I had accepted.) So I missed that opportunity, maybe August?  (LOL) 

so, lets support each other here, a safe place to share.  .

You all are in my thoughts and I will send prayers for help with our lives.

and Mazy... I gained all of the weight you lost.  (since matter is conserved, just wanted you to know where it went )

traci