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Bellz
Bellz Member Posts: 43
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

This has been a very big scare, I still don't have my pathology report back, and yesterday was my lumpectomy.I feel so betrayed by my body. I nursed my babies in what was the most beautiful thing a mother can share with her child..now those same breast have betrayed me in such a vile way. I feel really depressed. Can anyone tell me if things kinda naturally move around in there and settle into that big empty cave under the skin. I am sure hoping so cuz even with the slight swelling it looks really bad to me. I know our breast have some fat in them..so I am wondering if that will fill up? Sorry if this sounds vain to anyone...this has just been such an emotional roller coaster. I should be worrying about my pathology report....this is all so overwhelming...less than a month ago I stopped in to get my normal mammogram..now I am a cancer patient...I feel so sad. I just want to cry all the time and mostly I hold it in. My husband has caught me a few times and makes me feel somewhat better, but most of the time I feel like this fake person putting on a happy face so that everyone around me worries less. thank goodness for this site I feel less alone. How do you all do it...so many have gone thru so much...and I am already thinking well its probably going to come back..I have had people tell me about there family member or friend that got it again.  I already take anti depressants and have made an appointment with my counselor on monday to talk about this. 

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  • JackP7
    JackP7 Member Posts: 3
    edited June 2009

    In such a difficult situation it's important to get professional help. It's fine that you made an appointment with your counselor, he can help you professionally. Don't lose faith, you have your husband and your children that will support you. You can go through it together.

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  • sagit
    sagit Member Posts: 28
    edited June 2009

    it's totally normal 2 feel depressed and overwhelmed. later i'm sure u'll find things that'll will help u deal with the situation, but right now it's 2 early. u have just been diagnosed. give yourself time 2 take it in.

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  • Debonthelake
    Debonthelake Member Posts: 244
    edited June 2009

    The initial shock of it all is the most difficult.  We've all been there.  Feeling depressed, grieving is a normal part of this whole thing.  I felt betrayed by my body too.  I'm still kind of skittish about certain things.  I worry about pesticides more than I used to.  Getting and staying thin has become a life saving priority more than an issue of vanity. 

    Remember that Grieving is important work.  Even the scriptures say Blessed are those who grieve, They shall be comforted.

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  • Debonthelake
    Debonthelake Member Posts: 244
    edited June 2009

    I posted this in an earlier post.  I hope that you will find this helpful.

    Certainly there is nothing positive about cancer.  It is a terrifying illness.  It is much healthier to be congruent and allow yourself to feel and show our emotions.  Too much smiling when you're screaming inside is not a good thing.

    That being said, there is a lesson I've learned.

    Almost 20 years ago in 1990 my husband and two sons were in a head-on collision with a semi-truck.  They all survived but it was a terrifying and long journey.  If someone had told me that I believed that if I was good, God would protect me, I would have denied that belief system.  But, after the accident my faith was shaken to the roots. Why had God let this happen to us?  What if they had all died?  My main identity at the time was being a wife and mother.  I had a long journey ahead of me to rebuild my sense of identity and my belief in God.

    On the other side of that journey I came to understand that bad things happen to good people all of the time.  We cannot control everything that happens on this life journey.  Learning to let go of control and not feeling like I had to be able to control everything was a hard lesson to learn.

    I learned that there is always one thing that I can control and that is how I react to the lessons or hardships that come my way.  I have been angry at times.  But, I have been able to let that go.  There really is no one to be angry at.  The rain falls on the good and the bad alike.  I certainly have been terrified.  Who wouldn't be? But, there has been peace throughout the ordeal.

    The prayer of Serenity has been a big part of what sustains me.  Lord, grant me the peace to accept the things I cannot change (I cann't change cancer and I wouldn't be able to create the serenity or peace of mind on my own)  The courage to change the things that I can ( I can do chemo, surgery, radiation, genetic testing, diet, exercise, prayer and meditation.  There is much I can do to fight this monster.) And the wisdom to know the difference.  Sometimes that is the most difficult part of the prayer.  Tears are healing.  Do not be afraid to cry.  We will come out on the other side of this and there is LIFE during and AFTER CANCER.

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  • Angel10
    Angel10 Member Posts: 682
    edited June 2009

    Amen to Debonthelake's post....this is a scary, terrifying and grievous trip we are on....but we need to control what we can control and let go of what we can't.  I cry and get angry, b-tch and feel sorry for myself often, but the most peace comes to me when I deal with this moment...not what is to come or what I have been through....but this moment.  I still have room to love, to give, to receive, to encourage others, to be encouraged and to thank God for all that is good in this life.  He did not will this for me, He wants me healthy and whole.  It just may not be in my timeline, but it will be in His....and that is good enough for me! (Most times anyway...I still cry!)

    Depression and grief is normal, but please reach out to good friends or family or come to this site...it is balm for the weary and tired and graced with many strong women (and a few good men) who walk this journey along side you!

    God Bless you Bellz!

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  • LRM216
    LRM216 Member Posts: 2,115
    edited June 2009

    Bellz - all of the above truly excellent posts depicts what we all feel and go through.  Your post could be all of our posts when we were at the point you are, which I truly believe is the worst place to be on this journey.  What I personally have found is that when I was at the exact point in time you were, I realized one tearful, frightening morning that this was the road I was thrust upon,  hated it immensely, but suddenly realized it was time to just dig in - that I had to begin my fight in the arena I never imagined entering.  I have only been a cancer patient since late February of this year, but the moment comes when you realize the anger, the unfairness of the situation, the grief, shock, and feeling betrayed by our own bodies and life in general, doesn't change the fact that there is just no way around this dreaded disease, but only to go through it, with all the fight you can muster.  Please know that we can and do survive, as our lives continue to change (without our permission) on a daily basis.  One thing I have learned very early on is that without all of the wonderful sisters on this Board, and all the countless nights they have gently carried me through my fear, pain and anger, I would not be in the place I am now.  Keep on keeping on, Bellz, and keep us posted on your updates.  We care, and I promise you, there will always be shoulders for you to lean on, and many arms to encircle you at all times.

    Hugs,

    Linda

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  • Anxiousmama
    Anxiousmama Member Posts: 92
    edited June 2009

    ((((hugs)))) I'm soo, sooo sorry you aren't getting the support that you need. Are there other people in your life you could lean on right now. I've been surprised over the past couple of weeks since diagnosis who has and has not been helpful. My mother showed up with my (wild, out of control) neices in tow last weekend, left me babysitting them while she went OCD cleaning and fussing at me about my messy house, then left.

    Several friends I thought I could count on have not even called me once since the diagnosis. :-(

    OTOH, a lady at church who I *hardly* know, however, heard about my diagnosis, called to offer any support she could give and told me that if my hubby can't be there for any appointments and stuff she'd be more than happy to drive me, watch kids, whatever (she works fulltime so this would be her taking off work for me just to help out). Another friend, who I haven't really spent much time with in years also has stepped up to help.

    I think some people just don't understand or know how to deal with others' illnesses. And I don't think anyone not going thru this really understands.  

    All that to say if you can't count on your planned on caregivers, seek help elsewhere. There are support groups all over the place, churches, etc. that might be able to help you build a support network.

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  • HelenaJ
    HelenaJ Member Posts: 1,133
    edited June 2009

    What amazing posts ladies.  It is a wonderful feeling to read through these forums.  We will never meet but it feels safe and comforting being here.  At my last breast cancer support group a lovely lady told me, when I was mentioning that some people and family close to me have confused me and isolated me, that it is not about you it is about them.  My sister didn't come and visit me for months because she said she was "scared".  Well that is her issue, I didn't make her scared, I got sick.  Maybe it is the fight or flee theory, but for every disappointment there is usually a suprise.

    We are not alone.

    soft hugs

    Helena

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  • nixieschaos
    nixieschaos Member Posts: 130
    edited June 2009

    well, I am not going to be as soft as the others. We are faced with choices daily. Some are easy, like;  What shoes to wear with an outfit,  What to have for lunch. And then we get diagnosed with cancer. We then have  more serious choices to make, like how are we going to handle the challenge. We can be depressed, angry, turn it over to God and make him the bad guy when things go wrong...or we can DECIDE to survive this, to take control of our bodies and our minds and fight this disease with every ounce of strength we can muster. Yes, getting the news is devastating, but the reality is that we simply don't have time to waste  wallowing in the sea of despair. Cancer is an opportunistic bastard that thrives on weakness.  You need to take control. Start with learning what needs to happpen to get your body as strong as it can be, When you take that step, something happens to your mind that is really quite remarkable...it starts to believe that your body can heal, and that combination puts you leaps and bounds ahead of your cancer.

    I was diagnosed stage IV. I was told I would likley DIE. Hm. that was almost two years ago, I have missed one day of work...even through the most agressive chemo. Take my word for it. I am living proof of what your mind and body can do when they are working together. I am sorry that you got this bad news, I am sorry that you feel betrayed by your body, but get past it and DO SOMETHING. I will gladly share what I have done. Some don't want to hear it, because it invlves sacrificing our cheese and cake, and it means giiving up the self pity mindset. There simply isn't time for it.

      

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  • HelenaJ
    HelenaJ Member Posts: 1,133
    edited June 2009

    nixieschaos, you are right we need to be strong and make choices but from the details shown on most of the posts here I can see that most of us are all pretty new to this fight.  I think it is a process and we all have to deal with it the best we can.  Every one deals with their issues, family, friends, work in their own way but it is great we can all come here to talk about how it affects us.

    Being fragile is not a weakness, it is human.

    soft hugs

    Helena

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  • carolinachick
    carolinachick Member Posts: 387
    edited June 2009

    My thoughts are with you, Bellz, as you come to terms with your diagnosis.  One thing I have discovered is that there ARE blessings to be found along the path of this journey.  I have seen such love in action from people in my life.  I have also been disappointed by a few people, but I don't have the time, energy or inclination to let that upset me.  I figure it has more to do with their fear or inabilities that it does with me.  Learn all you can about this disease, make the changes that you need to, reach out to those around you, and cry and scream when necessary.  One of my favorite things I've read is, "Cancer is just a word, not a sentence."  You will get through this.

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  • Debonthelake
    Debonthelake Member Posts: 244
    edited June 2009

    Yes, Carolinachick cancer is not all that we are.  We have an entire life story.  Part of it was before our diagnosis and the other part will be after.  Helena, I love your post and your soft hugs.  That is what we all need. 

    Best to all

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  • YearoftheHat
    YearoftheHat Member Posts: 243
    edited June 2009

    Bellz - We are our bodies.  The physical is of no small consequence.  I just finished chemo and was so focused on that for 5 months.  Now I am really mourning my loss again.  It's natural to feel sad.  How could we not?  I try to tell myself just to love myself, in a caring way.  That is what helps me.  It really does help also, to feel that I am in this with others and not alone.     

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  • Jorf
    Jorf Member Posts: 498
    edited July 2009

    I'm going to throw this in as a little bit of a different perspective. I certainly (oh, most certainly) had and still have (3 years later) some really hard times with this. It's a pretty intense experience to be diagnosed with cancer. We've all been taught all our lives that cancer is the scariest disease that anyone can have. Now we're having people trying to convince us that it's our fault if we get cancer. BS.

    My main word is to have some compassion for yourself. YOU didn't cause this. YOUR body hasn't betrayed you. In fact, your immune system kicked in well enough that when abnormal cancerous cells were found they were still in situ. That also means that you're taking really good care of yourself and having mammograms frequently enough to have caught this really early.

    I'm a martial artist and there's a way of thinking that if you don't respect and know your opponent you have more of a chance of losing a fight (think samurai time - that meant losing your life). I came on it this way: the cancerous cells are me. If I hate them, then I'm hating me. And if I'm hating me then I'm not going to heal well. I had to be very clear that, after many years of not loving my body a whole lot (oh, you know, too fat, hair to thin, blah blah blah - petty squabbles) it was time to turn that around. I actively appreciated that my body told me something was wrong one morning when I woke up with a pain and a lump. I actively appreciated that my sentinal node kept the cancer to itself and didn't allow it to spread further (hopefully!).

    It's a month later now since you posted and i hope so much that you are in more peace with it since it isn't brand new. This is a long process - it's 3 years now for me and I still have some really hard times. So, be patient with yourself and try to love all of you. (You can love it and want it gone at the same time!)

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