What should I say to my mother?

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mizbabygirl4
mizbabygirl4 Member Posts: 163
edited June 2014 in Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy

My 80-year-old mother has had two mastectomies in the past three years (for two different cancers). At the time of both operations, she declined reconstruction, citing her age, which is completely understandable. She does not wear prostheses but just goes flat-chested.

However, over the past several weeks, she has started making comments about her "diminished" self. She says, "There's nothing sexy on me anymore," or "I don't have anything left to make me a woman." And her tone, when she says these things is rather mournful.

Do you think I should talk to her about possibly getting prostheses? I do plan to get her to a support group, but she is quite ill right now and in no shape to go over the next month or two. She's of the era/cultural background (Southern Baptist) where she tends to think it's unseemly to talk about these issues, but clearly something is troubling her. Any ideas?

Janet

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  • BoobsinaBox
    BoobsinaBox Member Posts: 550
    edited June 2009

    Dear Janet,

    I am deeply touched by your concern for your mother.  What a special daughter she has!  I don't have any specific suggestions about prostheses or whether or not she would like them.  I had bilat mast in 2006, and I while I have finally found some prostheses I am content with, I still sometimes wish I could just go flat and be content.  I did that for almost two years, but I confess I feel more sexual when I wear the "foobs".  (I'm 62.)

    I do want to suggest that you go to a nonprofit website one of our sisters began for those of us who have decided against reconstruction (or those making a decision).  She includes stories and some pictures from those who have chosen to go flat, those who wear various prostheses, and lots of information about various prostheses and bras and camisoles.  It is a wealth of info all in one place.  Perhaps your mother would gain something from looking at it when she feels up to it.  The URL is http://breastfree.org  

    Barbara (screen name is Erica) also has a blog in which she wrote about her mother-in-law, who died recently at the age of 82, I believe, from something unrelated to her breast cancer and bilat from years ago.  http://breastfree.blogspot.com/

    Barbara has been a lifesaver for many of us, and I hope her sites are helpful to you and your mother.

    Blessings,

    Dawn 

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  • roseg
    roseg Member Posts: 3,133
    edited June 2009

    I would be tempted to just buy the prosthesis and give them to her.

    If she's WASPish like me she might be happy to have it just appear and not have to suffer the embarassment of a trip to a mastectomy-bra store.

    I have seen some bras where the prosthesis is sewn into the bra. Now that's not what most gals here would go for, but it would make instant breast easier. Or your could try some foamy ones. If she liked them then she could try the more expensive silicone ones. 

    Try www.makemeheal.com

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  • mizbabygirl4
    mizbabygirl4 Member Posts: 163
    edited June 2009

    Thanks, Dawn, for the kind words and the Web sites. I will definitely check them out.

    Thank you, too, Rose. I think that's a great idea to buy the prostheses and give them to her--my mother WOULD be embarrassed to have to go to the store. I'm going to give it a try!

    I love the women on these boards!

    Janet 

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  • FCP
    FCP Member Posts: 4
    edited June 2009

    This must be so painful for you to have your mom go through this but it is wonderful for you to take the initiative to try to find her some comfort.  I agree with the others who feel your mom should try a prothesis.  Stores like Macy's even have inexpensive breast forms that you could purchase for her to try.  She may feel like since she has already vetoed the idea of reconstruction that it is no longer an option.  She can always change her mind if her health permits.  A prothesis would give her a trial run and may be just what the doctor ordered for her own sense of femininity.  Her clothes will certainly fit and look better on her.  If she decides to have a fitting she may wish to make an appointment in a town a few towns over from where she lives so she feels a better sense of privacy.  Good luck with mom.  You are agreat daughter.

    FCP

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  • BoobsinaBox
    BoobsinaBox Member Posts: 550
    edited June 2009

    Janet,

    I've been wondering how your search for forms for your mother is going.  I just ordered a pair of Silique Comfort-Lites for myself, and I'm anxious to get them.  They are less expensive than most silicone prostheses, and much lighter.  I am hopeful they will be the best ones I have tried yet.  You can find out about them on BreastFree.org, along with lots of other options, though I decided to try them after reading about them in a thread on this board (which began as something better than a mastectomy bra).  I'm not sure how the subject changed.  Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you both and wondering how it's going.

    Dawn 

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  • mizbabygirl4
    mizbabygirl4 Member Posts: 163
    edited June 2009

    Thanks, Dawn, for asking about my mother. I ordered her a camisole from MakeMeHeal, which came with pockets and light foam forms. At first she said she didn't need the forms, but then she asked several questions about them, and I could tell she was interested. Only problem was that the camisole was too big, so I had to send it back. I also wasn't crazy about how the forms attached to the camisole (it would be easy for them to be uneven). So I'm now in the process of finding a better-fitting garment (and forms) for her. She's recovered greatly from her illness (double pneumonia, plus a pulmonary embolus), but is still on oxygen. But I think in a few weeks she'll be back to normal, and I hope to have her set up by then.

    Janet

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  • BoobsinaBox
    BoobsinaBox Member Posts: 550
    edited June 2009

    Dear Janet,

    I'm glad to know your mother is recovering from her latest challenge and that you are learning (as most of us do by trial and error) what works for us and what doesn't in terms of forms and bras or camisoles.  I've been at it for 3 years now, and I still don't have a perfect solution, but I've found some better options and some things that just don't work for me.  I really hope you and your mother can find her some things that will help her cope with the emotional and physical side of mastectomy.  By the way, I am very happy with my Silique Comfort-Lites!  They are now my daytime form of choice.  They are SO light and comfortable.  I'm still trying things to wear them in, including a $12 shaper from Wal-Mart and some of my old bras from pre-mast days.  Stay in touch!

    Dawn 

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