Apologies - I Have a Pity Rant

BFidelis · May 2009

I'm sorry friends. This is the ONLY place I can go with this; it's the only place I feel safe when I can't stop crying. I realize that what I'm going to tell you is not really all that big compared to what might be, but I have nowhere else to go.

On Wednesday, I had 2 basal skin cancer growths removed from my nose -- youth spent at the pool and beaches, summers on sailboats, etc., caught up with me. Not too serious (after lumpectomy, chemo & rads). One was just off the tip of my nose; the other in the little crease between the nostril and cheek (called the nasal ala for those of you who care.) Surgery alone is 99.9% effective. They were small. Excellent prognosis.

Well, today I had to take off the bandages, clean and re-dress the wounds. I know that the swelling will go down, etc., etc. But the left tip of my nose is now a wide, flat spot. I've seen enough sutures heal to know what this is going to look like: a PIG NOSE. I just lost it when I saw it. I have never been pretty, and so I have never really been very vain. The boys called me "Doggie" when I was in grammar school, so you'd think I wouldn't take it so hard. But for crying out loud. What sin did I commit that the insults and injuries just won't stop?

When I took off the bandages, I broke down. I had noticed the growth on the tip around the time of my BC dx (Oct 2006), but doc & I agreed that we'd deal with more serious issues first. This past December my DH (?) told me that if I didn't get "the thing on my nose" dealt with, he was leaving me. (Knew he was dramatizing, but still pretty harsh words....) So I did. And I really tried to be upbeat about it, making jokes about going in to have my nose cut off to spite my face. And I told myself that it was just a couple of little growths. I started to get worried, though, as I counted the stitches he took (5? 6?) Now I can see how much of the tip of my nose is gone. I don't know what I'm going to do. Can I spend the rest of my life with a bandaid on my nose? Can I wear a face mask and pretend I'm paranoid about swine flu? Maybe a headscarf and veil and let people think I'm Muslim? IT'S RIGHT OUT THERE ON THE FRONT OF MY FACE. And I can't even cry about it without being ridiculed. And I keep hearing the song from "Hunchback of Notre Dame":

"You are deformed. And you are ugly. And these are crimes for which the world shows little pity."

Guess I should have appreciated just being homely. Again I apologize for taking your time. But I thank you, because at least I have you all. And if I can't cry in my own house, at least I can cry here. And that's probably just as well -- crying stuffs up my already sore nose.

Beth

everyminute · May 2009

I had a basal cell skin cancer on my lip - still have to have the surgery (had the biopsy already) I have pushed the appt off until september so I can enjoy my summer (and sit in the sun - duh) and grow some bangs. I can not tell you how freaked out I am about another scar! So I get it!

One thing that struck me odd was - can you imagine how freaked out this would make us if we hadnt just gone through treatment for breast cancer, lost hair, boobs, scars, etc?

I was offered a plastic surgeon - I talked to mine about it and she said it is not neccesary. Maybe you can consult with one?

Good luck and I am sorry

dreamwriter · May 2009

I had this water blister at the tip of my nose. People thought it was a zip about to burst to the surface. A friend asked about it and insisted I get it fixed... I did and she was first to say it was the best thing I could do for myself. If you have a pig nose, I have piggy eyes... they are small, almond shaped and very piggy. And if I cry they rim in red, and you got it, perfect pig eyes.

I was voted the second ugliest in my school (all girls). More than half the class were modeling. I couldnt sing, couldnt compete with looks OR brains. I was a group of one. The mess. And I was soooo thin - nickname - bonerack. Now I am 200 lbs and nickname dreamwriter - cause no one else understands my dream of being pretty, smart and even a little rich. So let me cry for you, but dont laugh at my piggy eyes 'K.

LRM216 · May 2009

If in fact it does not heal to your satisfaction, Plastic surgeouns (good ones) can do many, many miracles. Please do not despair. There is a solution should you need it. God bless.

Linda

crazy4carrots · May 2009

Oh Beth......now then, you must find a good plastic surgeon. Chances are when the swelling recedes, your nose will actually look okay. But just in case it isn't to your liking (!), a rhinoplasty might be just the ticket!

And Beth, your posts tell me you are a BEAUTIFUL person! (Dream, same goes for you!)

Hugs, Linda

Estepp · May 2009

Cry all you need here.. I get it.

I have to have some type of carcinoma burned off my nose soon. They did not say I needed it cut off.. but burned off... Basal Cell carcinoma they called it.

I was 108 pds.. nice looking gal.. ok.. almost 40.. but cute..hehe.. no aches in my body at all... NOTHING... the body that acted 18.. no joke....THEN...life turned 100% different.. like it did for all of us here!

BC out of the blue.. Chemo...16 treatments.... cut off my breasts ( sorry)... rads... 16 pd weight gain... cancer on my nose... bald.. then really short blackish hair.. BLECK! Do not even know the gal in the mirror anymore.. but really respect her still.. maybe more...

I get homely.. I really do sister. I am truly sorry .. I really am. I really understand.

Gods Love!

Laura

Anonymous · May 2009

Beth, I'm glad you know you are free to rant here; we all need an outlet.

Many times plastic surgeons, good ones, question prospective patients as to the reasoning behind having work done. You are agonizing over your nose and really appear to be a prime candidate to have it fixed so you won't be self-conscious. Once you are healed please consult with a plastic surgeon.

I feel your pain. Even without surgical scars I've never felt pretty, or good-enough. Always seem to be on the outside looking in. No-one seems to see me; I many times think I'm invisible.

You are not alone. Please let us know how you make out - we care.

abbadoodles · May 2009

Beth, honey, this sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back. It's OKAY to rant and tell us how awful everything is. No apologies needed. If we didn't want to help, we wouldn't be reading.

Now, I cannot vouch for this 100%, but I feel pretty confident that a good ps can make repairs to your nose. You need to find a really good one that specializes in facial issues; I doubt your breast recon one will be the one for the job. Just MHO.

Now, get busy and find the right one and get that consult!

And, did you kick your DH? in the shins?

Sierra · May 2009

ahhh, Beth

I am sorry to read this

and I too would be upset

Have a pal of mine who had something done

and notice her nose at the end is

a little different

Feel sure there is an answer out there for you

meantime, let me send you a big hug

and wishes for abundance in this delicate matter

Hugs,

Sierra

dreamwriter · May 2009

Patoo you are adorable... Your avatar is so cute... so who is she? If it is you - you havent seriously looked in the mirror. I see a pretty, yes pretty, girl/woman with a sense of humor. Where do you get off not thinking you are not PRETTY. You are so lying to yourself or someone has put you down and it dug deep. It is so sad when a pretty girl does not see her beauty.

Anonymous · May 2009

Dreamwriter, you are so sweet and you made me cry. Yes that's me but it's a facade. I'm 60 and my entire life my self-esteem has been in the toilet. I do live to bolster other people's spirits so they don't feel so lost.

People like you and my strong faith in God keeps me going

EWB · May 2009

Lovely ladies! I am saddened to read comments about not being attractive, not liking eyes hair, figure etc. What a disservice society, the media, advertising, friends and family have done to us. That we compare ourselves and are compared by others to skinny 20 somethings with lots of makeup, manipulated by photography, computer programs, lighting and a slew of other things. In my heart I truly believe that each of us is extraordinary in a unique way, if we look beyond all the stuff, layers upon layers for years, exotic eyes, amazing smiles, beautiful cheek bones, gorgious hair that has a tint of gold shining in the sun, a spirit that can not be explained, I could go on but you get the thought.

Dream, as you said "It is so sad when a pretty girl does not see her beauty". THATS ALL OF YOU!!

Beth- so very sorry for the results of the surgery, I hope after everything settled down it won't be as you imagine it now.

HUGS to all you beauties!

BFidelis · June 2009

As always, thanks for the support. I guess all that's left is to find out if insurance will pay for reconstruction, and if so, whether I want the pain of reconstruction or the pain of a pignose. I guess the pain from recon eventually goes away. If insurance doesn't cover it, I'll just wear pieces of flesh-colored bandage tape over my nose (less bulky than a germ mask.)

I won't even discuss it with anyone anymore. When people at the office ask how I am, I say "fine." I've had my fill of Pinocchio references, as well as Cyrano de Bergerac. And being reminded of the movie "Roxanne" when I'm told that "a little makeup will take care of that." (A little spackle might be a better route.)

BTW - the last thing I said to DH on the subject... When he came out with a you'll-be-fine comment last Sunday, I told him that yes, I will be fine -- just as soon as my nose grows back. He almost started to smile that i've-fixed-everything-up-smile when I appended, "but as far as I know only starfish and iguanas re-generate appendages." But I'll tell you this: I am not going to mention or point out anything 'unusual' to any doctor or DH again. I've had it with looking for trouble; it finds me easily enough anyway. Thanks again.

Beth

junie · June 2009

Hugs Beth--I can relate to your angst. I had a basel cell carcinoma removed from my forehead a couple years before my breast cancer. The surgeon did a pretty good job of getting the resulting scar to blend in with a "frown line". I was horrified immediately after the surgery because to me, the area looked hideous. Give the surgery a bit more time to heal up. It was several months before I quit stressing out over it. I did fret a bit about it when I had chemo for bc and lost my hair--no bangs to semi-hide it. In the meantime, you can come have a good cry with us!!! Bet you're feeling more comfy with it all in a couple months.

dreamwriter · June 2009

You know if you put a blue dot over your right eyebrow, no one will notice your nose.

dreamwriter · June 2009

I personally have a beard... so no one looks me in the eyes.

Anonymous · June 2009

I just had to say, Beth, you have a sense of humor about your nose. That's a good sign. I agree with the other ladies. See a good PS after it heals. It may not look as bad as you think.

And to everyone else.....seems like a lot of us have had to overcome or live with low self esteem issues. When I was a little girl my brothers used to tell me that no one would ever marry me becaue I was so ugly. I had freckles. They teased me relentlessly. But I showed them...I GOT MARRIED! LOL And they love me.

I think we need to give ourselves a pat on the back for all that we've been through.

Apologies - I Have a Pity Rant

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