My wife is diagnosed with breast cancer

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rhy
rhy Member Posts: 16
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

My wife has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is having surgery this Wednesday (double masectomy).  We know the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes (including 2 behind the chest muscle).  I am getting the feeling the doctors want to do chemo first, but keep saying there is no difference.  For my wifes mental health, she is having the surgery first.  She is ready for it and it seems like surgery is more of a proactive action.  I am supporting her decision, but I am scared.  What if it is the wrong choice.  Chemo will start when the tubes are out. By the way, the doctor felt the lump in late Feb, so it seems like it has been a long time of doing testing and nothing else.

 I go from feeling really good to really crappy, but don't want her to know.  I am keeping a positive outside appearance for her and our 2 girls (20 and 15).  I just need a place to vent and hope this can be it.

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  • Katalin
    Katalin Member Posts: 230
    edited April 2009

    I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.  It's not a pleasant experience, but you have come to the right place for support.  There' are lots of good people here, and you should feel free to post any time with *any* questions.  There is a lot of support out there for friends and families on and for your wife on these boards, and social workers recommended by your doctor or the surgeon can be of invaluable help, because they deal with this everyday.  I can't address your treatment questions, and likely without more information (like her preliminary reports) no one can address those questions.  Everyone's experience and diagnosis and treatment is different.  My heart goes out to you and your family, but know that treatments these days are excellent.  Big hug!

    Katalin 

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  • Laura3
    Laura3 Member Posts: 59
    edited April 2009

    Rhy....

    You are already showing that you are a great husband, just caring enough to get help.  I have  3 daughters and it has been stressful on all of us. But my husband has been our constant, always staying one step ahead of me at the doctor, etc.  He listens to all my fears, questions and irrational thoughts, no matter how many times I repeat them.  I asked him if he ever broke down about my diagnosis and he said he did, but then he had a job to do.  You will also get there, its ok to be scared.  I am new at this also, so I don't have any advice on whether you are making the right decision.   But  I will be thinking about all of you on Wednesday, and hoping you get the answers you need to move forward with confidence.  

    There are many women on this site that are a wealth of knowledge and seem willing to help at a moments notice. Keep on Venting......

    God Bless, Laura

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  • Katalin
    Katalin Member Posts: 230
    edited April 2009

    Rhy, also I can second what Laura says:  having a supportive husband has meant the world to me.  He's always been there, and I know it was hard for him...but it did bring us closer.

    Thinking good thoughts for you...your wife & children are lucky to have you!!! 

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  • Vinogal
    Vinogal Member Posts: 439
    edited April 2009

    I would also like to add that your girls......all of them are lucky to have you............come here anytime you feel you need support.......it seems about an even split as to those that do chemo or surgery first........if that what feels right......it's right......atleast the doctors will have full pathology in order the pick her chemo cocktail........it is a long road........but what has got me through is my wonderful husband........you guys will make it to the other side...........hugs to you all!

    Jax

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  • rhy
    rhy Member Posts: 16
    edited April 2009

    Thank you all.  I know htat no one can tell me which decision is the right one.  for us, it is surgery first mostly because it feels like something is being done.  I think if my wife was told to do chemo first, she would have sunk into a deep depresion.  I am sure I will ask a lot more questions, or just vent in the future.  for now, any proyers for surgery tomorrow are very much appreciated.

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  • Vinogal
    Vinogal Member Posts: 439
    edited April 2009

    Prayers going out for your family!........(((((((hugs)))))))))

    Jax

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  • lmays
    lmays Member Posts: 114
    edited April 2009

    Prayers for you and your whole family.

    You're right - no one can tell you which is the right path.  It's amazing how many of the treatment choices are left up to the patient.  It's contrary to everything you thought you knew about going to a doctor to get well.  So you suit up for the fight, pick a path, and GO!

    This is a tough road for husbands, most of whom are hard-wired to "fix" things.  Nothing to do but support your bride in whatever way she needs, hope, and pray that she is in the best possible hands.

    Wishing you the best possible outcome for tomorrow's surgery.

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  • Isabella4
    Isabella4 Member Posts: 2,166
    edited April 2009

    rhy,

    All good wishes for your wifes upcoming surgery tomorrow. It may sound a harsh surgery, but its really not too painful at all, she will be over it in a few weeks, and on to her chemo.

    It is hard to say which to do first, but having the op. seems as if you are actually getting on with things...I am sure she will feel that something is happening to get a good start on this journey. I didn't have chemo, so didn't have the choice to make, but I actually felt better after my op. feeling I was actually doing something, and not hanging around waiting.

    Good Luck to you all.

    Isabella.

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  • rhy
    rhy Member Posts: 16
    edited May 2009

    Again, Thank you all for your words of encouragement.  The surgery went well, and the surgeon said she was able to get all of lymph nodes she could feel out, including ones under the muscle and near the clavicle.  We have a good feeling, but are anxiously waiting for the biopsy result.  We should get them on Wednesday when we see the oncologist again.  My wife is in a bit of pain, but is starting to get around.  We saw the plastic surgeon today, but my wife didn't want to see her scars, or let me see them.  We will get there, but I know it will take time.  I think we made the right decision doing the surgery first.
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  • thomj
    thomj Member Posts: 2
    edited May 2009

    Rhy,

    I know how your feeling.  Two weeks ago on the 16th my wife had a bilat mastectomy with lymph node removal due to cancer in lymph node.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions and I dont know which end is up.  My wife starts chemo the week after mothers day and then radiation.  Good luck to you and your wife, and remember just take one day at a time. 

                                                All The Best

                                                   Tom

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  • rhy
    rhy Member Posts: 16
    edited May 2009
    Today we sasw the oncologist to schedule chemo and get the results of the pathology.  19 lymph nodes were removed and 18 were positive.  the good news is that the margins were clear,  I am trying to focus on the good news.  I expected these results, and I think my wife did too, but it still hit her hard.  The rest of the treatment will be aggresive and I am confident that all will be fine. 
    Chemo will be 6 sessions, 3 weeks apart, followed by radiation, then hormone therapy for 10 years.  I am sure with all of the support we have, everything will be OK, but it will be a long hard summer.
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  • CindyWoos4
    CindyWoos4 Member Posts: 3
    edited May 2009

    I had 21 lymph nodes removed and 19 were positive. I had surgery in 2004.  It will be also a time for you and your wife to get closer.  I just wished my husband handled it like you.  He became withdrawn.  He was physically here for me but I guess he just was not sure of what to do or say so we became distant.  So your doing all the right things!!!!!!  Just keep her busy and show her your love and support and she will be just fine.  

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  • rhy
    rhy Member Posts: 16
    edited May 2009

    Things have been going pretty well since the mastectomy and we are supposed to start chemo this Thursday.  But one of the drainage tubes is still too high (40-50cc/day) and probably won't be out.  It has been 4 weeks which seems a long time to me.  The plastic surgeon said it would be up to the onc if we can still do chemo.  Does anyone have any experience along this line.  We hate to put off chemo any longer, but don't know how to get the drainage reduced.  The tube is on the side that had the prophylactic mastectomy if that matters.

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  • pickle
    pickle Member Posts: 1,409
    edited May 2009

    Rhy:

    My onco told me that the gudeline they like to use is to start chemo 6-8 weeks after surgery. I started at 7 weeks. You are just 4 weeks (which I'm sure seems like forever) so you have time to get the drains out before she starts.

    Good luck and wishing your wife well.

    beth P

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2009

    rhy - My Onc said the same - 6-8 weeks after surgery. Hope she can get started soon.

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  • rhy
    rhy Member Posts: 16
    edited May 2009

    Chemo was scheduled to start today (4 weeks after surgery), but we had to delay it becasue of one stubborn tube.  My wife is really getting tired of it and wants to get on with the treatment.   Right now we are scheduled to start next week and hoping the drainage is down by then.  The oncologist won't start with a tube in since the chemo is so aggresive.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2009

    So sorry...  waiting is so difficult. Everything's crossed that the darn tube will be empty and out SOON. Hang in there... I know this is tough on you too. Try to keep busy this weekend.

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  • KevinB
    KevinB Member Posts: 2
    edited June 2009

    My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and she is starting chemo on Thursday.

    They are starting with chemo first as it has spread to a lymph node.

    She is very brave and is determined to beat it but I am terrified as I love her so much and I am finding difficult to cope and stay positive which I know is important.

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  • lmays
    lmays Member Posts: 114
    edited June 2009

    KevinB - This is undeniably hard on husbands and parents who, for the most part, are hard-wired to fix things.  Sounds like you've chosen a treatment path now, though, so one foot in front of the other until the terror subsides a bit. 

    There is a lot of great support on these boards and a flood of information from women who have been or are in your wife's situation.  Just ask anything that is troubling you and help will be on the way.

    My husband recently tore down our medicine cabinet when he realized I was struggling with my post-surgical reflection in the mirror.  A mini-mutiny that made me giggle and him feel like he'd done something to make me feel better. 

    You'll find ways to cope that may surprise you.

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  • StayingStrongForMyMama
    StayingStrongForMyMama Member Posts: 8
    edited June 2009

    Rhy,

    I am 23 years old and have a little sister who is 19. Our mom was just diagnosed on Monday and will also need a masectomy and chemo. You sound just like my dad. He too is staying strong on the outside for us, but I know him too well and can see the pain and worry in his eyes. Your daughters are lucky to have a strong dad like you, but remember it is ok to feel moments of weakness and your daughters are old enough to understand that. You can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Your wife sounds incredibly strong and she will be in my prayers.

    God bless you, your wife, and your daughters.

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  • rhy
    rhy Member Posts: 16
    edited June 2009

    I have been off the computer for about a week, and chemo wtill hasn't progressed.  My wife finally got her last tube out, but the incision is not healed yet, so chemo has been delayed again.  She sees the surgeon tomorrow to see if whe can be clesred for this Thursday (we are praying to start).  She had the coice to do chemo first and then surgery, but went with the surgery wince it was already scheduled, now she is questioning her decision and is getting frustrated.  The one piece of good news is that she got a wig last week and I didn't even notice the change, it really does look good.  Of course, she tells me I am not very observant about her haircuts anyway.  I am praying for all of you and hope that everything turns out well in the end.

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  • o2bhealthyhusbum
    o2bhealthyhusbum Member Posts: 44
    edited June 2009

    My wife is going in for a bilateral mastectomy on June 23rd, two very short weeks.  I feel like an idiot for not reading so much in advance.  It is all happening so fast and I am going to just turn into a literal BC fanatic to absorb all the facts I can.  I love the idea of taking down the mirror.  My wife's worst fear is her vanity over loosing her "two girls" as she calls them.  I kinda like them too, but her health is more important than nice boobs; even though she is having reconstruction done at the same time as the mastectomy.  Of course the reconstruction is several procedures with chest implants for spacing until her desired size has been obtained.  The fact that even after reconstruction she will have FOBS with no nipples and she might have breakdowns from this.  I love her for what she has done in my life.  Her faith in God is an inspiration to me and in a week I am getting baptised.  Even though her BC is not a blessing, I have seen God's hand in everything from that point to now.  It is amazing to know how much of a special gift my wife is and I thank God every moment that can.  You would be amazed by how powerful it is to pray daily with your wife, just the two of you talking to God for strength and praise Him.

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  • rhy
    rhy Member Posts: 16
    edited June 2009

    I am so sorry that you have had to learn all of this; it is not something anyone whould have to go through.  The best thing you can do is to be there for your wife and remain positive.  My wife has finally healed from her mastectomy after 6 weeks and is starting chemoi tomorrow.  I can't say we are looking forward to it, but we are anxious to get started and kill any remaining buggers that may be floating around.  One thing my wife has been complaining about is the expanders; she said they feel like bricks and are causing some pain.

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  • o2bhealthyhusbum
    o2bhealthyhusbum Member Posts: 44
    edited June 2009

    My wife will be experiencing the expanders, so it is just something to be aware of and make sure she is taking the meds on time (she hates pills).  Thanks so much and I hope her chemo goes with little side effects and kills them buggers.

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  • cjbonz
    cjbonz Member Posts: 4
    edited June 2009

    I am sorry to hear about your wife, my prayers go out to your family.  My wife had a single Mastectomy in May and was back to work in 2 weeks, everyone is so different.  My sister passed away from Breast Cancer at the age of 32 by the time they found it she was a late Stage 4, they did a double and very aggressive chemo but to no avail, she left behind 2 small children, and her husband didn't even care.  I have been to every appointment with my wife and held her cried with her and sometimes just layed with her til she fell asleep.  I din't hear about this website until after the surgery so I have been trying to read up on everything and learn as much as I can to finish helping her thru this difficult process.  Tel you wife she is not alone and there is support.

    Carl

    ETC/SS USN Retired

    100% Perm & Total Disabled 

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  • o2bhealthyhusbum
    o2bhealthyhusbum Member Posts: 44
    edited June 2009

    My wife found this site just after her diagnosis, and at first I was hesitant to join this forum, but can only praise the courage of everybody I have read about and chatted with on this site.  I am so sorry to hear about your sister and her children.  She has her fears but met a wonderful woman yesterday and I hope it helped in easing some of them.  I appreciate your sharing your story, us guys love our wives and will stand with them.  I noticed you are retired Navy, my father is a WWII Veteran; Thank you for your service!

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