Putting up a False Brave Front

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5 months ago I tested positive for Stage II DCIS - invasive.  It still seems so surreal. Typically, I have been a very healthy & emotionally strong individual. I have 6 sisters- all Cancer free (thank god). This has been the first diagnosis of Breast Cancer in my immediate family. I went in for what I thought was a routine mammogram- I had no lump on my breast. Thus far- I have had 2 surgeries and I currently just finished my 2nd week of radiation. I put up a brave front and for the most part I feel fine, however, emotionally it has taken its toll on me! I am a single parent and I work full time. My mom was diagnosed with Lung Cancer a few weeks after I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Unfortunately, she is not doing so well. I have felt so bad about not being there to help my siblings care for her. This has also caused some dissension and bad feelings among my peers - I just want to scream at them and shout - "where do you think I have been these last 5 months? This last week really was the worst - I left work to go to my radiation appt. and I was running late. Earlier in the day I received a letter in the mail from my siblings in regards to making pre-funeral arrangements for my mother. By the time I got to my radiation appt. (10 min late) I had an emotional melt down. As I laid down on the radiation table - I could not keep the tears from flowing.- I was so grief stricken. I also came to the realization that this is what has become of my life. I realize we all have bumps in the road of life and this is just mine. Frankly, right now, I don't want to put up a brave front, I don't want to remain positive, I just want to grieve, I want to scream, I want to be angry.

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  • swimangel72
    swimangel72 Member Posts: 1,989
    edited May 2009

    Ocean - go right ahead and vent - we are here for you. You've got so much on your plate, don't add guilt to your burdens.........I'm so sorry about your mom, and I'll be praying that you get through this dark period with the help of God's angels.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2009

    Oceanblue, sorry we have to meet this way but thankful that you have found your way here as here is where you will find the support you need.

    You want to grieve, scream and be angry - girl, go ahead.  You are no less brave because of it.  You have walked this journey for 5 months by yourself and you don't have to apologize to anyone for taking care of yourself.  Your sisters are suffering emotionally through your mom but you are not only suffering the same but also walking the cancer journey yourself. 

    As a single parent (I am also although my boys are now grown) you have had to be strong and running on auto-pilot and for this reason your sisters just don't see or understand your need.  But you are not responsible for their insensitivity to that.  You may need to talk to your siblings and let them know that although you are on-board with your mom's issues, that you need to get through the next few weeks of your own tx first.  If they think that is selfish, so be it, they will survive.

  • roseg
    roseg Member Posts: 3,133
    edited May 2009

    Why the heck are your siblings more concerned with your Mom's funeral arrangements than with your Mom (who i assume is still alive) or with you?

     I

    No wonder you're stressed! I say, attend to yourself, be there for you Mom and let your sibs twist in the wind. If you get any more letters, presumably them telling you what they want you to do- send'em back!

  • London-Virginia
    London-Virginia Member Posts: 851
    edited May 2009

    Dear Oceanblue, sounds like you are one of life's great coping people, and you know what, sometimes other people aren't very happy when you are not able to do the usual superstar stuff because that means they might have to do a bit more themselves.

     I should imagine you are pretty tired and frazzled right now and it would really be very odd if you didn't feel like crying and venting.  Sounds to me like you have done a wonderful job of coping with a whole basket full of bad news and it is very hard to look after a child and continue with your work.  I really admire you - I am single and have only me to worry about and that is quite enough to deal with for me.

     I am so sorry that your Mum is so ill.  This is a very very hard time for you and at the moment your life is presenting little to show you hope for the future.   With all this going on, I am not surprised you burst into tears on the table.  You had a really,  really crap day.

     But know this - you are a brave and wonderful person, and it is entirely possible that life will get better.  Amidst all this crap, please please know, there will be good things at some point.  There isn't some sort of universal rule in stone designed to make your life shitty forever.    Who can say  when a good thing will come, but I believe  it will.  I believe it for you, I believe it for me, and I believe it holding a metaphorical hand with the wonderful people on this site.

     Like you I really wasn't expecting the diagnosis I recenty got.  I have been all over the place emotionally.  I still will be going forward I'm sure.  But today for a few hourr, for whatever reason I just did feel happy.  Probably tomorrow I'll feel differently, for no particular tangible reason.

    This entire thing is a bloody rollercoaster.    But across 3,000 odd ocean miles, I send you warm thoughts and admiration - I salute your fortitude and send you all my love -

  • Debonthelake
    Debonthelake Member Posts: 244
    edited May 2009

    Oceanblue,

    You are going through so much.  No wonder you had to cry.  Crying was the best thing you could do.  My father died of cancer one year ago this April.  Then I was diagnosed in the Autumn.  I cann't imagine dealing with both traumas simultaneously.

    It sounds like you've been outwardly coping so well that your sisters are clueless about the feelings of fear and vulnerability that you are feeling.  I know that I find myself skittish about many things these days.

    My prayers are with you.

  • maxgirl
    maxgirl Member Posts: 407
    edited May 2009

    Oceanblue, I can identify so much with that battered feeling.  I was diagnosed with BC only 3 months after my closest sister died of a brain tumor and 6 months after my father died.  My mother died 4 months after I finished treatment.  All three of them had protracted deaths that exhausted my brothers and sisters and me. My siblings had nothing left for me when it came time for my treatment.  

    While I was going through chemo, one of my sisters called me to go to the ER with my mother because she was exhausted.  She was, but I got to the point where I was dizzy with fatigue, and had to call her to come after I'd been there just a few hours.

     With my mother's death, I didn't so much grieve as go through PTSD.   There's only so much a person can take in at one time.

    You're going to be tired from radiation, tired from the stress of having BC, tired from the worry and grieving over your mother.  You don't need to be worried about living up to your siblings' expectations.  I'll be charitable and say they could be so afraid for you, too, that they're ducking their heads in the sand and expecting you to act "normal."

    It would be nice if they could understand what you're going through and try to empathize, but at the very least, you're the one who has to draw the line and say they don't know what you're going through, and while you can understand why they can't help you while your mother is dying, they have to accept the fact that you just can't operate as usual. 

    Then find other things and people to nurture you -- here, support groups, meditation, church -- whatever helps. One of my sisters-in-law was very supportive, and I took anti-depressants and treated myself to a massage once a week.   I also kept exercising as much as possible -- swimming and walking.  And I also gave myself permission to let a lot of things go.  This kind of self-care isn't selfish -- it's really important for your health and recovery. 

    My mother died in Jan. 2008, and it was just last fall when I finally started feeling better, but it did come.  I grieve now, but it isn't that unhealthy feeling of being beaten down.  

    This is a dark season for you, but it is just that, a season.  Have faith that the day will come when you will feel better.  You'll be in my thoughts..  

    Max

     

     

  • sagit
    sagit Member Posts: 28
    edited June 2009

    maxgirl, u had such a hard time! i think your story truly inspiring!and ocean, remember that things will get better, and it's completely normal 2 have all these feelings.

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