Putting On That Happy Face!!!!

Bridget - we may be related.  I have the same family.  You know that old phrase "Your 15 minutes of fame?"  That's what I got - 15 minutes.  Sounds like that's what you got too.

Susan - I hear you.  I probably said that to someone too.  Now I feel like crap.  I learned a long time ago that when someone dies, just saying "I'm so sorry" and being available to listen was the right response.  It is the right response in this situation too.  Just being there.

It wouldn't hurt if someone sometime said something like "you poor little thing."  I am not going to fall apart or blubber all over them.  I'll just say - its okay - I'm alright.  Just the acknowledgement would be nice.

Bridget,

I just read your post.  I did not read any of the responses, so please forgive me if I am being repetitive.

I have not been diagnosed with cancer but have gone through enough testing to be!  I had no idea that I would have all of the feelings that I do.  I am currently not happy with all of my friends because I think they should all be more concerned.  They, of course have no clue and are in their own worlds.

Anyway, let me help you with your perspective because just six weeks ago, I would have been one of your well wishers.  People have NO IDEA what is involved with a cancer diagnosis.  They simply do not know.  That is why they say what they say.  It would be very helpful for you to educate them.  I don't mean by reading them the riot act, but with each person you could enlighten them just a tad.  Something like, "Thanks for your concern, but it's not behind me.  Do you know that I have to be on medication for the rest of my life...."  Or, "I have faith, but I still live in fear every day that if may come back.  So, please pray for me."

Okay, maybe just a swift kick in shin and then quickly walk away would be the best treatment. 

I just want you to know that I would have been one of those well wishers simply because I would have thought that you were all better.  And I would have felt terrible if I would have known that I was upsetting you and that you still had such a difficult road ahead of you.

Now for those who made comments about the fundraising for your friend, those people needed a kick with a pointy boot. 

Signed,

A quick study.

Hi, everyone.  I've been reading all of the posts and I definitely agree - its tough when people see you and say, "Oh, you look so good!" meaning, what, did I look like crap before?  Or, am I supposed to look like someone who is on their deathbed?  I don't know why they are so surprised.  And, yes, I put on the happy face every single day, even though I am going through mental hell sometimes - is it going to come back?  I didn't finish chemo because of complications - did I screw myself?  - What if the radiation causes a different kind of cancer?  when will my hair come back?  Is my husband still attracted to me now that I am a bald mutilated woman? - I think we do it because it is easier on those around us to see us as "normal", and "feeling better" and all of that. 

Okay, I do feel better now that chemo is done, and I'm healing from the surgeries (5 in 2 months!) and radiation is moving along, but I still get depressed and down, and scared.  And, I'm still in the middle of treatment - radiation for the next couple of weeks, and then whatever hormone inhibitor I'll be on, plus countless tests to make sure it's gone.  This is now a lifetime of doctor visits and followups plus the inner fear of "what if. . ."

I've heard the "you are so strong" or "you've got such a positive outlook".  well, if I weren't strong and trying to be positive, I would have given up and let it take me, and I'm not planning to do that.  Most of my family has been wonderfully supportive, but my youngest sister, who lives the closest to me, has completely pulled away.  She is a hairdresser and she cut my long hair very short prior to chemo, and when I was crying in the chair, she very coldly and unsympathetically told me, "it's just hair".  I don't know if she is scared or what.  She didn't even believe me that I had cancer - "You said your surgery was okay and that you didn't have it anymore", like I wasn't dealing with the unseen or unknown cells that could be still inside of me.  She has never once called me since that day to see how I was doing, offer to help in any way, shape or form or had any kind of contact with me.  I've left her a few voicemails, but have since stopped, because it's not worth my mental health to agonize over her.  I thought I could let myself be emotional with her too, and not have the "happy face" that I was starting chemo in 2 days, and I just don't know what is her problem.  But, to the rest of the world, yes, I have the happy face, because otherwise I get their pity, and I don't want that - I just want a little support and understanding that this is now my life - I can't get the life before bc back, so this is my new reality.  I'll always have the shadow of cancer in the background, and yes, I am typically a very upbeat, energetic, go-getter type of person, but I feel myself slipping every now and then when I am feeling down, into a "why bother" state of mind.  It's tough and we've all got this same battle raging inside of us.

Thanks for providing this forum to vent!

Chelev,

  It seems like so many family members act in ways we just wouldn't expect or want from them: I don't know why--fear? discomfort? never had it in them in the first place, but were never put to the test before?

  Who knows/cares the reason: it hurts.

  I've found this forum has helped me handle my sister's uncaring behavior better.

  It's only natural to have moments where we grieve and react to the trauma we've been through: and as the earlier post about the tyranny of positive thinking said--all that means is that you're having a bad day.

Kira 

hugs

You know, Year, your doc really ought to hear about how you feel.  Oncologists don't expect us to be happy about all this, and there might be some comfort in talking about it.  After my swelling went down after surgery & I saw how mutilated my right breast was, I had a total meltdown the next time I saw my surgeon.  I was so angry & sad.  She was great & I felt much better after crying my eyes out.   They aren't very good doctors if they can't take our tears & our pain.

I've been close to having a meltdown over my hair, or rather the lack of it - 8 weeks post (f'n) chemo and I have growth that most others seem to have had at about 3 weeks out.  If one more person tells me that "It will grow back, don't worry", or "once it starts growing, it will be really fast", I'm going to strangle them!!  Maybe it will, but that doesn't help with the feeling that maybe some of it won't grow back, or maybe it will be horribly thin and scraggly (it was luxurious and very thick, I loved my hair!!) when it finally makes an appearance.

I also am fighting back some depression at looking at my boob post lumpectomy.  Granted, my surgeon did a fantastic job of trying to put it back together (I gather he took a lot out) to look similar to the other one, and while it is smaller now than the left side, and the nipple now points in another direction, I still have a as Kathi puts it, mutilated right breast.  I am extremely grateful I am alive and am beating this disease, but maybe I should have gotten them both removed and started over - because I am looking at a marked size difference, and although he says he doesn't care what they look like, I hate showing myself to my husband.  He's been so wonderful, but I feel like some sort of creature - no hair, weight gain from steriods and chemo, thin brows with no color, and now this chest full of scars and lumps and bumps.  I'd be afraid of me if I were him!!

Hugs all.  It's not easy.  But, we'll get through it.  We will.  Life will go on better than ever if not quite the same.  I know I'm planning to meet my grandchildren and perhaps great grand children and neither one of my sons is married yet.  But, I'm waiting to meet them.  I know they are there.xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox