Is something wrong with me?

hooptiedoo · May 2009

I just got written up at work - again. Once again, I made, not just a mistake, but a mistake that caused problems for the whole office and cost the company money. I'm on the verge of losing my job - and my mind.

I never used to make mistakes. Oh, sure, everybody makes mistakes, but I was known (and praised) for my accuracy, integrity and work ethic. That's just about to go out the door. I'm scared that maybe something physical is causing me to screw up.

It's not chemo-brain, because I finished chemo at the end of 2003. A friend has suggested I might have a thyroid deficiency caused by menopause. She is being treated for it and says it can cause mental cloudiness and confusion.

My husband says I screw up at home things, too, and says I just need to slow down and take my time. It's more than that. When I made that mistake, it made perfect sense at the time. Now I I can see how wrong it was and don't understand why I did it..

Then there's always the big fear that the BC is back and I've got brain mets. I don't have headaches or seizures or any other indications that's what it is, but I'm trying to face all possbilities. (My prognosis was excellent at the end of treatment.)

Once I found out what I had done, I was horrified. No one can punish me as much as I do myself. I was up all night with irritable bowel syndrome (explosive diarrhea) which only bothers me when I'm overstressed.

I cried and cried until I couldn't cry any more. My boss is giving me the silent treatment, and that's killing me. It doesn't help that I have a new co-worker who seems to be the Golden Boy who's really doing well and getting tons of praise.

Have any of you experienced anything like this? I've got a doctor's appointment coming up, and I'm going to talk to the doctor about this. I'm also going to ask that they check my thyroid when they do bloodwork.

Any suggestions on coping with a toxic work environment in the meantime? I take Paxil for depression and anxiety, and it's a God-send. I'm wondering if I should ask for a larger dose. Or maybe just job-hunt?

shorfi · May 2009

Don't you hate that. I too was often commended for doing good work. I don't make mistakes, I make gigantic, grand stupid mistakes. I am not sharp like I use to be. Could it be because I am 54???

I finished chemo in 2004 and now I have to write down everything that needs to be done. I use to pride myself on being soooo organized...but that has gone down the tube.

I hate the silent treatment too...kills me when my boss does that. So much so, that I have started back on Lexapro again and it helps me feel better.

So you are not alone with this.

kmccraw423 · May 2009

What about talking to your boss - acknowledge that you screwed up and explain that you are seeing a doctor because of this problem. I have worked since last May when I was laid off. I honestly don't know if I could hold a job now.

I don't know what it is. My self-esteem was never great (although at work I thought it was - that was how I defined myself). Then I started working for a nut job who delighted in undermining me every chance he got. Everything I said he twisted into somethig that did not resemble in any way my comments. If I had to see him on any given day I was depressed as hell; if I didn't see him on any given day I was positively elated. That was 10 years ago and I still am not where I should be and my job history is dismal since. I've taken jobs to have a job - nothing I wanted and nothing that used my full capabilities.

iodine · May 2009

You are doing the correct thing in asking for a workup re: blood levels of ALL sorts.

There are any number of things that can affect our thought processes and actions. I'd not discuss my medical aspects with my employer tho. None of their business, and you don't need a stigma of further health issues to be brought up and thought about.

Nothing you can do will lessen the punishment they are going to throw at you---it's done. If NONE of them have ever made a costly mistake, then we need to get their gene pool and share it. I doubt they can cast a stone tho, no one is perfect and after diagnosis I finally gave up trying to be the best and the brightest and do everything better and faster than everyone else.

Give your doc a call and let them know you have these concerns and maybe add to your meds for a while. Also, let them know you will need a bit more time with the doc at this next appt. to address possible physical contributions to your thoughts, etc.

Anonymous · May 2009

Hi Hoopiedoo, sorry you are going through this. You say "again" so this is something that has gradually creeped up on you? More than anything else, don't beat yourself up.

I would suggest that in addition to talking with your docs that you also try and cover yourself at work. Perhaps, if possible, after you perform a task before you actually sign off on it or mark it as complete, if you can, leave it in pending or draft status. Leave it for an hour or more if possible, go do something else and then at a later time look at it again to see if it still seems correct. Or, maybe you have a supportive co-worker that you can ask to review your work for a time before you submit/sign off/complete it.

Also, I'm not sure where you are located but maybe check into the American with Disabilities Act (ADA) to see if you can be covered under that for your job; maybe a smaller workload? Is it possible to take time off from work just to relax yourself while you check with your docs on your meds. Since your DH also says you are missing things at home then it's not your job but something else at work here. Perhaps keep a journal at work and at home to note when things go awry and maybe a pattern will emerge that you can work with.

Don't know if any of this will work for you but hope it can give you some ideas.

Jorf · May 2009

Consider a full neuro-psych testing work up. Chemo, menopause (you didn't mention), stress, age.... If you get someone good then they can often take the info from the work up and give you suggestions to help things run smoother.

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I do stupid things all the time. I think they're usually at home and minor but then I find something at work and think, "How did I miss doing that?" And sometimes I have to really think about whether to trust my judgement especially when things are busy and I'm stressed.

Oh, there's a woman around here that does a memory clinic and uses TONS of drugs but also swears by fish oil....

roseg · May 2009

Focus seems to be one of those things that goes as we get older.

Maybe you can get some help in perfecting your focus. I know my job is really important to me and sometimes I have to be very structured in approaching things that are critical to be sure that I've got things covered.

When I was younger I could do it without even thinking but now it often requires more effort.

LisaAlissa · May 2009

I'll second the suggestion for a neuro-psych work-up. If your doctor doesn't seem to feel comfortable working through these issues with you, you might want to start w/ a psychiatrist, since they focus on the mental aspects of medications or other conditions. They will be able to refer you to a neuro-psychologist, then work with you on interpreting the results.

BTW, I understand that "chemo brain" can persist, and many other meds can have cognitive effects (although you didn't say if you were on any of the hormonals--or other meds.

HTH, and best wishes in sorting out the effects!

LisaAlissa

Sierra · May 2009

Hi there

How difficult for you. I surely understand how you must feel

However, chemo brain does continue for some of us

I am several years out and definitely at times

forget things, names, nos. etc.

Actually, my treatment centre has a doctor doing a study on it

and I went. She gave me a few tips for my memory

We all get older and of course this does come

also, having been on some anti deps myself, I found

they affected me (personally) and I was often just not as sharp

Sending you lots of hugs

Don't beat yourself up and just take baby steps

one at a time

embmom · May 2009

I was doing a search on brain mets when I came acroos your post--today I just cried at work because I have been making so many mistakes lately. I own my own business and accuracy is important so when there is a screw up I have to explain to the customer or as I have been doing loately putting some of the blame on them--great business plan--yeh right. I had my thyroid level tested last week and they said I was low--I was actually kind of relieved to hear that because I actually have been feeling worse than when I went thru chemo--just totally drained physically and a total mess cognitively--no memory, no focus, no concentration..I feel awful..I started syntroid a couple of days ago but no improvement yet..maybe the low thryoid could be part of your issue--I'm 56 and in a very stressful situation now at work and at home which doesn't help either. Thanks for posting..sometimes its easy to feel really alone with all the bad thoughts. If I don't feel better soon I'm going to go back and talk to the doc. I hope you feel better soon!

ShariPDX · June 2009

Working for a place that "writes up" its adult employees is really stressful. It does seem like you are in a hostile work environment and your self-effacing isn't helping. If you have a friend in your department ask him/her to keep an eye on your work product until your confidence picks up. Cool it on the drugs, exchange them for some liberating form of exercise that you can do like swim, walk, bike, dance...whatever.

Tell your husband that you need his partnership not a critique at this time and ask if he could help you work on this problem.

I have heard that chemo brain can last a long long time.

Are you taking Arimidex or Aromasin? I found a folded pillow case in my sock drawer today and almost put a dirty dish in the frig rather than the dishwasher yesterday. Chemo? Old age? We all do strange stuff, but stop being so hard on yourself.

barbe1958 · June 2009

When I owned my own business I had a new staff memeber tell me that I "always changed my mind". That surprised me and I asked for incidents. She rattled off a bunch of times that I said one thing then did the other. I was stunned! I went to the pharmacy and had the pharmacist check all my meds (I'm on tons) and sure enough one of them described memory loss as a side effect! I had no idea and felt that I was going crazy before I had that side effect to focus on.

My work now, also "writes up" it's employees and I have been written up 2 times (at 3 you get the boot!), but due to cranky fellow employees who didn't like me...ahhhhh. Now, with my promotion to a new location and responsibilities, I work where I see my boss MAYBE once a month! It's fabulous but I love her anyway.

Have you had anything resolved since your post?

Is something wrong with me?

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