WHY DOES THIS MAKE ME SO ANGRY?

I don't take offense, and I think it's a sign of genuine concern when people ask me, "How are you?" or "How are you doing?" Unless I'm speaking with a close friend, I generally answer, "I'm doing really well. Thanks for asking," and that's the end of it.

What I find amusing more than offensive is how often people assure me that I look GREAT, as if that's unusual. But again, I know they are being supportive and don't mean offense.

What offends me are the people who tell me how lucky I am it was caught early and how I need to stay positive. I'm also amazed at the stupid, thoughtlessness of people who need to tell me about their relatives who died from breast cancer. The other comment that offends me is, "Oh, you'll be just fine," usually followed with a story about a relative who had it worse than me and is now just fine.

But, again, most people mean well. Some are just better communicators than others.

Tricia

I think that as a BC patient I was very sensitive to comments at first.  But since then I realize that BC like any other dangerous disease is something hard for those that don't have to converse with those that do.  I had a co-worker 5 yrs ago have a bi-lateral mastechtomy and when she came back it was at first hard to know what to ask and what not to ask.  So one day I sat down with her and asked what can I say and what is off limits.  She didn't mind talking about it so I asked questions and she answered.  Those little chats gave me so much information that when I was diagnosed I knew what to ask the doc and what not.  So when the gouls call I tell them it's not a good time for talking and the ones that are truly interested I answer their questions.

Yes, many people tell me I look good and I appreciate that because most people assume patients on chemo are going to look like death warmed over.  Think about the way chemo patients are portrayed on TV -- they make us look like the next breath will be our last.

I get angry, too. I have a friend who is 17 years out from DCIS, lumpectomy, followed by Tamoxifen. Today I admitted that I became anxious and scared and sleepless in the middle of the night and she gave me a very stern and condescending lecture on staying positive, as though I was in the wrong somehow and could flip a switch to correct myself. I am right in the midst of radiation! I needed some understanding, not a reprimand from a schoolmarm, but I'm glad she has done so well. Later I spoke to another friend (a nurse) who is doing fine 7 years after a lumpectomy and she blurted out, "You know what? Breast cancer is humiliating!" We laughed, and I said I had not heard anyone else say that, but I felt the same way, though I am not so comfortable admitting it. It feels childish and vain.

Sometimes I feel exactly like I did when I wet my pants in front of my entire first grade class. I know I looked like a deer in the headlights at that moment and that's how I feel right now. I don't mean to offend anyone, breast cancer is a very serious and terrifying disease, but I do feel ashamed, as though I have "failed" to stay healthy and I'm being a nuisance. I get angry with myself for feeling that way, because I know it's not my fault--though--I did take HRT, but my mother took estrogen into her seventies and she is alive and kicking at 90, no breast cancer, so I thought it was safe. I did years of fertility treatment, Clomid, Pergonal, Metrodin, but finally achieved a pregnancy and gave birth to our wonderful daughter, so that was a risk I do not regret.

I know it takes time to absorb all this. I was only diagnosed two months ago. I do see a woman therapist who is great, but I have not shared my situation with many people, partly because of the assumptions I made in the past when I heard about a breast cancer diagnosis, and yet the several older women I have known over the years who had breast cancer all lived normal lifespans and did fine. I feel guilty for feeling angry, too, because in the waiting room while waiting my turn for radiation I have met some lovely, strong women who are facing more challenging diagnoses. I don't pester them with my problems. I want to be there for them, but I am in unchartered territory and learning as I go along. 

I am scared silly about beginning to take Arimidex in a few weeks. My best wishes to all of you out there.

Thank you, Tami. It's nice to have my feelings validated. I think one of the most humiliating moments is what I call "the water balloon." That's when my boob is hanging down through the hole on the radiation table and the attendant is male!

I actually handled things better while under going the surgeries etc.

I am having a hard time dealing with the people who are like well you have had the reconstruction you have2 boobs again you must be fine or back to normal.

Do people realize that NORMAL went right out the window with the diagnosis and the surgeries etc.? Has anyone had issues with that or am I just really messed up? 

I know for me, there are good days and bad days. I tend to stay away from people on the bad days and be more social on the good ones. So people see me when I am up and feeling fine. So they all seem to think this is a breeze, it's going so well, I'm so strong, etc etc.  I feel trapped because I let this happen - I only showed the good side. But that's what I wanted. And now this is the result. It is very confusing and there are NO RIGHT ANSWERS - at least I've figured THAT part out!

I guess it helps me to have a very few close people that I am more honest with. So at least there's some outlet and they listen without judging. But still - as well as it is going for me (and it IS compared to many posts I've read), it is still HARD and I wonder if normal will ever mean normal again.

I think it is impossible to understand all the emotions and feelings involved with being diagnose with BC until you have.  I am amazed at the emotional ups and downs I have been going through. I was diagnozed with IDC on April 16 - having surgery on June 4. I have come to know the people I can talk to and the people who are uncomfortable being around me now (some co-workers) and I feel bad that they feel this way about me, but I can't apologize or change anything. I feel bad for me for getting this, I sure did not ask for it, but I am not contagious !!  At first it made me really sad to see that some people that used to speak to me cannot now make eye contact with me. It's hard enough knowing how I am supposed to feel without trying to dissect other peoples feelings, so I just stay away from them.  This has changed the I used to look at the rest of my life. Maybe that is naive. I don't know. All of my life I feared getting cancer, for some reason. And know here I am - I have cancer.  I will do what I can to get healthy again - but it is a scary ride, and I do feel really angry, and sad alot of the time.  It feels really good to read these forums, become a part of them, and be able to communicate with so many that are going through the same things. Being strong for each other, that's what it is all about.