In a dark lonley place.

My Kerry was dx 3 weeks ago, I have held her hand and her so tight from day one and will never let go, we married only a little while ago on the 7/7/7 and have two boys 12 and 14, to them I am dad and best friend. Our family is young both Kerry and I are in our early 30, and in so much love. In the short time we have been together we have had to endure some true horrors and pains but this is truly evil.

!CANCER!

As her husband, best friend, lover and dad to her boys, its may place to fix things and protect the family from all pains problem and faults.

Failure.......... that's how I feel. I failed to protect there mum, I failed my wife. I cannot fix it. No tool or words will. I tell her I love her, I can't tell hers its all going to be fine. I tried and got my head bit off. I know she was just venting but I will not say that again. All I can do is hold her, kiss her head and repeat I love you and am here for you.

We have had too much thrown at us already, and its only going to get harder.

My wife has everyone to talk to, a big family, and loads of friends. Every snippet of info given is repeated 90 times in 90 mins to 90 people and then some more, its hard having to listen to doctors and oncos, but then to have to repeat it over and over again with out a break in killing me, I feel like my heart is being pulled from my chest, to see my baby go there this is a nightmare but to have to go through it again and again is hell. To see her cry when the news is bad is horrid to listen to her cry again when she has to tell someone the news breaks me, all I can do is take the phone and tell the tail again whilst holding her, wiping her tears, kissing her head, it feels like the phone is a hot brick being pushed through my heart, turning it half a turn and then being dragged back through. I know they are worried just like I, but they get the painful info once, not 90 times.

My Kerry has cancer, .....................I have it to, not the physical part but all the rest.

I feel like the barer of bad news when we had the original lump out I told the boys, when it was found to be cancer I told the boys and family, I am starting to feel that when anyone from the family sees me they are expecting bad news. You can see tears welling up before I even open my mouth. If this was a super power like heat vision its truly naff.

I have no close family and new close friends, I am a Billy no mates. Work to hard and don't play enough. What I am trying to get at is there is nowhere for husbands, boyfriends, lovers etc. We just deal with it and be strong and supportive.

I am sick already of people talking about me, saying good Cris, look how strong he is being for Kerry and the boys. What a good man, bah bah bah. If only they know, but let on to them-NO!

I feel like a bloody rocket about to take flight and take out a small nation. Bottling it up is not healthy, but what choice do I have. If I talk to her mum or dad they will cry, if I talk to her siblings they will cry, if I talk to her ants and uncle they will cry. What do I do? I have so many fears, worries and emotions but because I AM MAN, these must be suppressed. I MUST BE STRONG. I cannot tell her how I feel as this will only make her bottle it up instead. I am the bottle and her fears and worries along with everyone else's will fit inside.

I love my wife so much, maybe one day she will realize just how much. For now all I can do is be the bottle and be by her side.

I hope she never reads this.

I write here as I cannot find anywhere else to, for this I am sorry, venting is what I am doing.
Sorry.

Cris, loving husband, dad, friend and bottle.