Putting On That Happy Face!!!!
Comments
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Barbe, He's a great guy, very sensitive, runs an autism program, and he initially laughed and then agreed with me.
We've taught together for 4 years and he was very aware of the diagnosis and treatment issues and has been incredibly supportive. When I told him how my other job fired me for working too slowly, he thought for a moment and said "I don't think they shared your values." Understatement.
Kira
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Certainly there is nothing positive about cancer. It is a terrifying illness. It is much healthier to be congruent and allow yourself to feel and show our emotions. Too much smiling when you're screaming inside is not a good thing.
That being said, there is a lesson I've learned.
Almost 20 years ago in 1990 my husband and two sons were in a head-on collision with a semi-truck. They all survived but it was a terrifying and long journey. If someone had told me that I believed that if I was good, God would protect me, I would have denied that belief system. But, after the accident my faith was shaken to the roots. Why had God let this happen to us? What if they had all died? My main identity at the time was being a wife and mother. I had a long journey ahead of me to rebuild my sense of identity and my belief in God.
On the other side of that journey I came to understand that bad things happen to good people all of the time. We cannot control everything that happens on this life journey. Learning to let go of control and not feeling like I had to be able to control everything was a hard lesson to learn.
I learned that there is always one thing that I can control and that is how I react to the lessons or hardships that come my way. I have been angry at times. But, I have been able to let that go. There really is no one to be angry at. The rain falls on the good and the bad alike. I certainly have been terrified. Who wouldn't be? But, there has been peace throughout the ordeal.
The prayer of Serenity has been a big part of what sustains me. Lord, grant me the peace to accept the things I cannot change (I cann't change cancer and I wouldn't be able to create the serenity or peace of mind on my own) The courage to change the things that I can ( I can do chemo, surgery, radiation, genetic testing, diet, exercise, prayer and meditation. There is much I can do to fight this monster.) And the wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes that is the most difficult part of the prayer. Tears are healing. Do not be afraid to cry. We will come out on the other side of this and there is LIFE during and AFTER CANCER.
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Cheryl58,
All I have to say is WOW you are such a beautiful woman.
I too am feeling frustrated and with a sense that I am not ready to go back into life full-tilt boogie. I am very tired sometimes altho I got increased energy last week? Why was I pooped Saturday and couldn't seem to get moving?
I am so glad to read all your posts and see I am not alone!
I am worried about my hormone treatment I need to start and how I am going to feel on that!!!
I did not do well going thru menopause, so there you have it. What!? I have to go thru that all over again!?
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I agree about wondering what can possibly be positive about all this. Deb, I can NOT imagine the horror you lived through, my heart aches for your situation.
I am only finding the true colours of my family and friends, those that can stand beside me and those that run and hide at the mention of cancer.
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Barbe,
I've got a quote for you from Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies (essays):
"All you can do is show up for someone in crisis. Your there-ness can be life giving, because often everyone else is in hiding."
Kira
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Kira, I'm just surprised that the ones I expected to be beside me....aren't.
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Barbe, I know, and it's such a loss and a disappointment. And a shock at times--it defies my expectations.
Kira
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One of my coworkers, gave me the "be positive" lecture. Then she told me, she wouldn't go through chemo. or rads, if she got bc. I just said, you don't know what you'll do to save your life, until it happens to you. She didn't even hear me, just went on and on....Now when people, give me that look, and ask "How are you?" I say, fine I guess, and leave it at that. At work, I try to be positive and upbeat, for the sake of other women, and my job, but it's tuff when bc is never far from your thoughts, and it's a lonely place.
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Jan, talk about conflicted advice--that you don't need--be positive, but do nothing! Another voice heard from, but not helpful.
It is a lonely place.
I've learned that when people ask how I'm doing, it's kind of rhetorical--they just want to hear "fine". When I dropped off my taxes, I ran into the senior accountant and he was all hale and hearty and we had this weird conversation (the CPA who actually does our taxes knows about the bc and has been great)
Him: How are you doing?
Me: I was diagnosed with bc a few weeks before my daughter's wedding.
Him: Oh, but you look good. How's the horse?
Me: He died six months ago.
Him: Let me get your CPA, I know she wants to see you.
I realize that I shouldn't have been so honest, but I've known him for a long time, and it was a weak moment....
I should have just said fine. My CPA found it very amusing though.
Kira
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Kira, I thought it sucked that I found out I had cancer two days, before my birthday, but your horse died...now that sucks.
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Jan, Otter told me that there's a thread "I bitch, I moan" where they report on IOS (Incidence of suckiness) and I think two days before your birthday is high IOS.
My horse died--and he was old, but very loved--about 4 months before my diagnosis. It was hard on all of us, he was really my daughter's horse, but she moved an hour away to go to college and stayed there, so my husband and I were his primary caretakers.
I got diagnosed 3 weeks before my daughter's wedding: relatively high IOS.
I'll have to ask Otter how it works: there's IOS, and some other acronym.
Jan, happy belated birthday, and I got diagnosed about a month after you--so we're at the one year mark. Even if anniversaries are hard, we're hanging in there.
Kira
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Debonthelake: your words are very inspiring. I have had a real jolt of depression and your posts are soothing and gentle. I wish there was someone I could talk to about how I am feeling. It amazes me how quickly no one wanted to discuss my breast cancer and how soon I was told I was obsessing over it. Maybe I am - afterall, the bilateral mastectomy "cured" me. I guess I should be grateful but I am so down lately. It just seems that everyone has it worse off then I do so I don't want to bother them with my petty complaints.
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I thought I would comment on what Barbe mentioned in an earlier post about people you think will be there for you and are not. I can totally relate as to what you are feeling. I live in Nova Scotia but I grew up in a very small town in Newfoundland where almost everyone knows you name. I moved here 22 years ago but because of such great childhood friends, we stayed in contact over the years, had some reunions, called during special events etc. Well, let me tell you, that has all changed. I called my old friends a couple of weeks from being d/x as I needed that time for it all to sink in myself to tell them of my news. I haven't heard a boo from any of them since. I am so disappointed in them. Just when I need them for support during my darkess hour, they abandoned me. I will never forget that. The people who are there for me are family (of course) and some friends that I have made since I moved here. My childhood friends are now gone and it is really, really sad. The thing is that they live in Nova Scotia too and one has to drive past my house more or less to get to her work!! There is a high school reunion planned for 2010, and boy am I going. I'm going to hold my head high and to prove to them that I made it through the toughest fight of my life without them.
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Kim, that's so sad! But I might have you beat. It's my family I haven't heard from! I don't have any close friends as all I do is work, come home sleep and then go to work the next day. The people at work have moved on pretty quickly as I don't discuss it, but I got a lot of hugs at the beginning! I think my attitude of casualness has made it easier for people to forget, but my flat chest is a constant reminder to all that actually see me. I have only seen my brother ONCE this whole year! My other bro and sis live on the west coast....
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I am going to give people the benefit of the doubt - although this is so unlike me. I think the feelings the word "cancer" brings forth makes people want to run from it. They don't know what to do or say and most everyone is afraid of strong emotions - God forbid you cry, yell, scream, mouth off. Everyone is supposed to be polite, smooth over the rough patches, and go on like nothing ever happened. Well, something did happen. No one is asking any one to make it go away - we just want support and acknowledgement that we are loved and cherished. It shouldn't be this hard.
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Yah know, a simple email "Hey, hope all is well..." is enough for me. I even did a Caring Bridge page and it emailed who I asked it to and I got no responses! Thanks y'all!
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I agree, it shouldn't be so hard.
I think people are scared--my former babysitter, who is still close to the family can't look at me!
It is so hurtful, all we ask is for their presence, just to be there and available, but people get so freaked out that they run the other direction.
One of my sisters is great, the other tells everyone she knows how upset she is, but hasn't spoken to me in a year.
From our posts, I think this is not an uncommon response. And yes, it does hurt--because all really need is someone to be there, they don't have to fix anything.
Kira
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Well, I guess it is true what they say - "You can pick and choose your friends, but you are stuck with your family" Barbe, you're right - you got me beat. That is so sad! Family above all should be there for you, through thick and thin! I only have one brother, no sisters and he lives in Alberta. He is 8 years older than me and he calls me every day to see how I am doing. We are only on the phone for 30 secs sometimes, but I look forward to his call. It shows he cares and is concerned. If they don't want to call, then a simple e-mail just asking if how you are doing would be fine. Just as long as they are checking in.
I do think though that I know myself well enough, that if one of my close friends or family was d/x with BC or anything else for that matter, I would be there for them. That is just the type of person I am.
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Kim40 I agree - I do know myself well enough to know that I would put my personal fears and feelings aside to help someone I love. I am co-dependent anyway so I try to think about what they would want and try to do it.
Barbe That's terrible. I just want you to know that you have plenty of friends on this website but you already know that.
About 10 years ago my uncle (more like a brother - only 3 months difference in age) was diagnosed with colon cancer. We decided there and then to end our phone conversations with a heartfeld "I love you" as who knew if that was the last time we would talk with that loved one and we do to this day. My family is a pain in the you know where but I have finally learned to love them and accept them as they are - I hope they do the same for me.
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It's a difficult thing. Up to this point people have been pretty supportive. But, I am beginning to feel that let down that everyone has pronounced me cured and they are ready to move on. That is what is so good about a place like this. It gives us a bit more time to process without dragging our loved ones down. When cancer hits, it hits the whole family. I know that my checks over the next 2 to 3 years will be anxiety provoking. Triple negative is an especially scarry diagnosis. But, we will get through this girls. I have another friend who was recently diagnosised with stage IIIb ovarian cancer. I guess I'm trying to pour some of my energy into providing her with the support I know that she will need. I used to be so afraid of losing someone that I loved that If someone had a terminal illness I used to pull away. Perhaps that is what is going on with some of your family and friends. But, I've matured a lot through the years. I no longer fear the loss so much. Helping others helps me.
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This year on my birthday, I was just happy last year is over!!! Thanks Kira! We all know someone has it worse than we do, but we had to do it, no one in their right mind would do it for us. Cancer is not for sissy's and it's horrible for all of us. Even though we have to worry about the next test, or doctor's appointment, I guess it does get easier as time goes by. Will we notice, it, the time when we are fine, or will we just look back and say hey I moved on. Right now, I still see this bald headed old man, in the mirror, no matter how many people say I look good, I still want to say "yeah right", and roll my eyes...but I'm trying now to just say, Thank you!
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Barbe didja ask me? I dont do anything beyond Multiply, Facebook and Here. I get all these SpeedNotes but I dont know what they are so I dont go there. If I didnt respond to you, I'm sorry.
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I am so glad I can vent here. If I am wrong would someone please let me know, I am far from over and have been batteling this since Nov/07. I still have to have a DIEP surgery and after that a hysterectomy. But as the Drs. have said I need to be physically and emotionaly ready. So here is my story of late. My father does not aknowledge my illness so when I get the phone call now once in awhile I put on the happy voice where all I really want to do is put my hand through the phone and strangle him! His nosey wife bugged me weekly until I told her off and as you all know she still does not get that positive thing. Now its my mother who used to be my best buddy but for the last 6 years since she has gotten this new boyfriend she has changed. Did a total 180 on me. But when I got diagnoised all I wanted was my mother yes even at 43 I just did. She stayed with me through my bilateral while her boyfriend went to Florida, and I really appreciated it but she was the biggest pain in the A** while she was here I told her to just go and I was fine which I was not ended up with 2 more surgeries which in my opinion if this was my daughter I would have never left. She took me to some of my Dr. appointments some chemo, But for the most part my friends or husband drove me back and forth. Which he would have to take time off from work. MOM does not work and lives a hour away. 2 weeks ago I had a reaction to the Lupron shot and I am already medicated from nerve issues but took another cause the pain was so bad,I call my mom to see if she would take me cause there is know way I can drive my youngest is home with the flu so someone had to stay with him, and she had the nerve to say well if you can't find someone else. What the F------------!!!! I am calling cause I need you I am not going to beg. I was lucky my friend who is going through BC to called and said she would drive me. And my mother cannot see why I am mad. She Has been home from FL. since 1st of March and has seen me twice and my kids once for 10 minutes, she thinks phonecalls are all she needs to do. Am I being to resentful????
She then sends me a E-mail which she is obviously drunk cause words were all mixed up and put together mispelled! It goes like this This is your mother from hell going to grams for mother'sday hope you have a nice one cause I am not going to! I am okay she is losing it who is the adult here or older wiser person. I am just so done with my family my sister is okay but she is not a very warm and fuzzy and never has time either, so I guess I just need to rely on myself. And truly try to move forward and if they want to be a part of my life for whatever time I have then they can try to respect and be a little more thoughtful. I guess what I am saying is if this was one of my kids I would be by their side as much as they would have me. I am a kind and thoughtful person and have really tried to help other's but I guess it makes me a little jelouse when I see my friend getting tons of family support, which I am glad for her. But makes me sad cause I have never had it from my on family who mean the most to me.
If I hear one more person say YOU look so Great!!! I swear I am going to blow!!! I live on pain meds and every nerve pill out there okay I look great!!! UUGGHHHH!!!!!!
Thanks you guys and Big HUGS!!!!
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Noble - Hugs to you!! It made me so sad to read your post. When I first saw your name, I was thinking that it was good to hear from you again. But, wrong.
I have no words of wisdom, although I know someone will. I cannot fathom not being there for my children, either.
Thank God for friends and for children.
Hugs, again, my friend.
Susan
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I hear you Noble.We are all hear for you.Godbless.
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I really want to thank-you Susan&mumayan!!!!!
I really go to these dark places and feel so alone so I come hear to write. My sister just says I have to accept her the way she is. Although she goes months without speaking with her when her feelings get hurt. And then I am made to be the go between cause they both want to know about each other. That drives me crazy, now I am on the outs with mom. But I will not ask to be her to be the go between. If my mother choses to call or visit I will talk to her. But I am going to be very honest with her. I love her to much not to. My Dad is my Dad he is not going to change and I hve accepted that. Not easily but have. People think just because Chemo is done your done. Its so not true for alot of us. I just finished Herceptin end of March which I had once a week. I go to a Pain Sp. a PT, Neurologist, Orthopedic, Onc, And Counsoling. I am waiting to get my Port out, and the rest of my surgeries need to wait till work slows down. I am going thru menapsuse due to the Lupron shot. So I am not always Suzie Sunshine!! And being a Bartender and Manager you have to deal with PUTTING ON THAT HAPPY FACE!!!!! And then deal with family on top of it I want to scream.
Thanks again to this thread and the people who make it special!!!!!
HUGS-Bridget
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Bridget, it stinks, and I think it stinks even worse because it's not how you would act and it's so disappointing. They have their own issues--clearly--and can't get beyond them to see what you need.
When people show their limitations it can be just mind blowing, and so hurtful.
It's a marathon, breast cancer, not a sprint, and it would be ideal if people would hang in there for the whole race.
Hugs, and know I care.
Kira
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Bridget - Kira is right - it stinks. Some people just don't get it and their behavior is very hurtful.
I am so glad that this board is here. At least we are all here for each other.
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I'm so glad to see these posts because I am tired of people telling me that "everything will be ok" and "have a positive attitude" I was dx with bc in Nov. 2004 - went through the whole thing - lumpectomy, chemo, rads, pbso, and was determined to be positive and to put it all behind me. So in Feb. 2009 I find out I have bc in my other breast ... have bm, doing chemo and rads again...feel like shit.....having a positive attitude has nothing to do with it....nor does eating organic, exercising... etc. ... it's a disease without guidelines.....I know now that I will never put it behind me and I will never again be the same person. The man in my life has bailed...not because he doesn't care about me but because he can't handle it .. so I feel even more vulnerable....and while my friends and family are supportive, they think it's only about losing hair or being nauseous.....they don't get it and they want me to put on a happy face for them. It's good to know that I'm not the only one with these feelings.
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Helen - so sorry for all the pain. We should only be so lucky if positive attitudes would keep us healthy! It may make me easier to be around, but I can't say that it's kept anyone I know from getting some crappy stuff - cancer being one of them.
The terribly sad thing is, when my best friend was dxed 15 years ago with stage IV bc, I'm sure I kept telling her to be positive, that God wouldn't take anyone who was as loved as she was. I gave up on that thinking when it was clear that she was in the hospital for the final time. Hell of a lotta good it did her.
Susan
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