I can't get my act together and I don't know why

Sue,

I had a LOT of pain with the tissue expansion process, a lot more than I thought I would have. I am an absolute suck when it comes to pain. I basically had to go bilateral because it was my "good" side that the BC showed up in first after a clear mammogram a year before and not the "bad" side that they were watching. Complete mastectomy was the only surgical option for the "good" side. It was the right decision for me because I had changes in the bad side after the final pathology report came back. My chest feels good now almost natural in a different way. No need for a bra, but I do love them now. I am always ordering from Victoria's Secret. I am relieved that I did both sides and I wanted symmetry. It is such a personal decision, and a tough one too. My tatooing is at the end of May 09 and then I will be completed. That will also give me another peace of mind. Here"s to happy healing.

Take Care,

Kerry

I "fell" onto this website looking for soy free vitamins.  So glad I did!

I can identify with what everyone has written, and it feels so good not to be alone.  I was diagnosed in December 2007, had radiation last spring, and have been taking tamoxifen since last May.  It is as if I have placed my life on hold, and it seems to be getting worse and worse.  Last November I had a mammogram and sonogram, and calcification appeared in the other breast.  I have my follow-up mammogram on Thursday.  I am in a panic about it all.

I have stopped making long range plans.  My daughter is getting married in October, and I haven't even looked for a dress.  It is as if I am saying "cancer, is it ok if I go on and live my life, or do you have a different plan?"  I feel worse now than I did last year, but think that I was so busy trying to get better  then that I didn't have time to think about the future.

I want to make plans, and set goals, and live my life, but I have lost "zest".  I am tired all of the time, and my bones ache, and it is difficult pressing forward.

Still, I do know that I am SO lucky, and never want to lose sight of that fact.  According to my doctor, my cancer was fast moving, and had it not been detected, I wouldn't be alive right now.  I am just so scared, and can't get over being scared.  None of my friends seem to understand.  I can only say so much to my adult children, because I know that they must be frightened.

How do I get my "zest" back?  How do I want to go on a diet and stick to it?  How do I begin to think about making plans for the future?

I hate to be so "down", but it is what I am feeling right now.

Thanks for listening.

Pam, I know just how you feel, I have TWO kids getting married this year! I wonder if that's the only thing keeping my sanity in all this. Once I finally chose a dress I began to let myself get excited. I, too, don't say too much to my kids and try to refocus it all back on their wedding plans. I sometimes wonder though, if I have down-played it too much as I would have liked to have them around a bit more for support!

I did not do a recon after my double mast so chosing a dress that I felt really pretty in was so important. It was wonderful to focus on something positive. I wish you only the best in your own personal journey. Mak is right though, there are some great threads on this site that will certainly keep you distracted all day (and night!).

Gentle hugs.... 

Pam, welcome!  I'm glad you found us.  I was just writing a private message (PM) to another woman on the forum about this very subject.  I feel like I'm just emerging from the shellshock that settled over me with my dx last July and has stayed ever since.  I just had the most awful, stupid, unnecessary experience with my first six-month mamm, having it have to be repeated, feeling the emotional weight of the whole darn trip all over again, and then FINALLY being told the repeat mamm was negative.  Whew!!  I feel like my "sentence" has been commuted -- even if it's only till the next six-month mamm!  So, believe me, I know how you feel, and everyone on here can relate.

I don't know what it is about this whole adventure that just flattens us all so, but it is common.  Many docs have noted that we all develop some degree or another of post-traumatic stress disorder.  A lot of us take antidepressants.  I saw my counselor for several weeks and felt like I was handling things as well as I could and stopped seeing her.  Now I feel like I might need to go back again.

This is definitely the place to get validation.  I try to remember to validate my own self for getting back to work when I did, holding down a full-time job (in healthcare, no less!), maintaining a house by myself (no S.O.) and living a life.  So, if my yard isn't perfect, and the dust kitties inside are big enough to take to the vet for shots, hey, it's really okay.  That's precisely what this thread is for, to admit that and get lots of empathy!!

So, hang in there, Pam.  I think we all get those glimmers of zest sort of randomly as we recover, but it just takes a while for them to add us to a daily trend!!

Hugs.

lol!

I feel so fortunate to have found this site.  I have had a depression problem almost all my life.  I was already on anti-depressants when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I had already lost my job and had moved in with my sister.  I feel like the losses in my life just keep tumbling down.  I try to be cheerful but I just want to lie in bed in the fetal position.  Outwardly I seem funny and handling things well.  Inwardly it is like something is eating me from the inside out.  I don't know how to fix it or make it go away.

Before I get truly maudlin, let me just say again I blessed I feel for all of you.  Maybe I just have to "act" okay to get okay.  I don't know.

Pam, I've always thought of this journey as a death. A death of my good health, a death of my breasts, a death of a lot of things. There are various levels we have to get through before we get to acceptance so we have the right to take as long as we need to pass through the process. There are also times when you will fall back into a feeling you thought you were over with. Allow the feeling but do not let anything overwhelm you. We are all here to help!

Well I am gonna fight back.  I am getting a personal assistant who will do cleaning every other week.  The next week she spends time doing my laundry and making my bed.  In the meantime, me and my family will want clean the place or die of shame.... teeeheeee

Barbe:

I am so upset.  I came home from volunteering at the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation (half day reception) to find that no one had done their chores.  Hubby did not wash the 3 days worth of dishes (I did dishes Monday morning), daughter did not do the recycling and garbage.  And whats more I will probably have to do laundry tomorrow with youngest.  She does the lifting and bending, I do the watching and folding).  I was sooooo mad.  I have to send in documents to have CCEY send a personal assistant for 2 and a half hours a week.  It is so embarassing that the two healthy individuals cannot clean the apartment.  David whines that it took him an hour to cook the meal last night. He said he asked Allison (youngest) to look after the dishes... she looked and ran.... she should not have to pick up the slack for her father - it took ME over an hour to clean them.  I cannot believe that I am going to have to ask for help.  Daughter doesnt even have a summer job.  So instead of doing some sewing..... I had to put in 3 hours work that should have already been done.  And to top it off I had to lie to my best friend that David is working on her taxes (he does them every year and promised to do them this year) and she is anxious to have them done and get the refund.....it should be larger than usual.  So everyone is dropping the ball, and I get stuck doing it.  I cannot leave my apartment that messy for that long.  This is probably the wrong place to vent this but there you go.....

Hey Mason, dont call, I am not in a good mood tonight and have let husband know..... so he will stay out very late to make sure I am asleep when he gets in..... lol

Dream - You can vent here any time you'd like.  Sounds like a pretty sucky day.  Sorry you had to go through all that.  I think you need to have a family meeting and tell them you need help!  I hope you have a restful night and things get better tomorrow.  HUGS!!

Dream,

(((HUGS)))

Harley

OMG- I dont believe I volunteered to take my sister to her BS.  Now I will have to stay the day, she is talking about buying me lunch.  I am banging my head off the keyboard.......  her husband of 20 yrs is dropping her at the door of the hospital and leaving.  She says she doesnt want him there.  Oh and when her mother couldnt go with her 22 yrs ago, a cousin went with her.  I could not let her go alone.  She is such a ditz and she is saying she is not scared.  I thought I was ok and I missed half of what my onco said to me... of course I was embarassed that he grabbed my journal and started to read it... thinking I had written down questions... I had but at the back of the book, so he read that I called him Dr. Gloworm.  After that my friend had to take notes I was laughing too hard.

Oh I will get them..... when they are not looking.  Isnt Mothers Day this Sunday....

Dream,

You are TOO FUNNY!!  lol   Dr Gloworm... 

I'm glad that none of my drs. ever took my notes out of my hand to read them... I wrote down EVERYTHING I was thinking...   I remember once thinking that my onc was some kind of a 'witch dr.', because he was mixing chemo potions. 

Hugs

Harley

Dream--While I hope it isn't necessary, in the back of my head I'm so hoping you get the oppotunity to really put your spin on Mother's Day...'cause it'll be hilarious to hear!  I keep hearing the movie trailer announcer voice:

"Mother's Day...they weren't expecting it...but did they ever deserve it!  This Sunday, watch as Mom REALLY made the day her own.  MOTHER'S DAY!  Suck on it, family!!!!!!!"

Catherine