I cry on the way to work

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It's Sunday night and all I can think about is how much I don't want to go to work on Monday. Friday morning my boss called me in to tell me how poorly she thinks I'm doing my work.

I worked through chemo but ended up being off work for a month last summer after surgery led to infections. When I finally got back to work full-time I had more doctor appointments because of damage to my heart. I spent days in a fog and I KNOW I wasn't giving my top performance at work or anywhere else. My chemopause brought on soaking hot flashes that hit me every 20 minutes - day and night (no sleep at night and a big distraction all day long). It took months but with gabapentin the hot flashes are under control and I'm starting to feel normal again.

So here I am. I recently had help from two other employees to get caught up. But all my work is on time now and NOW the boss is complaining that I fell so far behind. Of course I was behind. No assistance was offered even though I had permission to take time off for treatment. Help was only ordered once I'd gotten behind on everything. 

Caught up in all this is the personal issue of me feeling left out. For months the rest of my colleagues (8 of them) have gone off repeatedly with the boss for a coffee break. I'm in my office but I'm located at the opposite end of the hall (15 feet away). It really did hurt to find out that everyone had left without saying a word to me. After a while it was routine but still uncomfortable for me to run into the group as they were returning. They also spend a lot of time every day chatting between their offices. Stuff I don't end up hearing about like new houses or promotions. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the cold shoulder from my colleagues because individually they all stop in every day to chat with me. It's pretty clear that no one wants to say 'no' to the boss or to say "wait I'll go get Jan". 

The boss admits that due to her own problems she may have spoken to me in a "cold manner". It's not cold. It's so mean that my colleagues and people from the other section come over to ask if I'm ok.  Five minutes later she's chatting amiably with my colleagues. 

Am I whining? How long do the effects from cancer treatment last? Will I be messed up forever? Is this my new normal? 

Should I take offense that I'm left out of coffee breaks and hallway chit-chat? How do I know if I'm just being bitter?? 

Does anybody have any suggestions for how to deal with this until I can find a different job??

Comments

  • swimangel72
    swimangel72 Member Posts: 1,989
    edited May 2009

    Wow Jaanee - you are NOT being bitter! Your boss is being an @ssh*le......and if your collgeaues have so much TIME on their hands to spend gossipping with each other, it seems to me that your boss should have reassigned some of your work to them while you were out. My guess is that your boss is not managing her priorities or office properly - perhaps SHE was chastised by HER boss and took it out on you! Tongue out Seems to me that you need to tell your boss that you hope SHE never gets breast cancer! I was out from work 4 months due to infections after my surgery and my boss PLANNED for my absence. Other people picked up the slack and the work got done................your boss should consider herself LUCKY that you returned after only a months absence! Yell 

    I wish I could help you find a new job............keep your eyes and ears open...........check out Craig's list and the newspapers! Shake the dust of that place from your feet and move on! Oh and btw - you are probably MUCH better off staying away from the office gossip - I don't think these people are really your friends at all! Hang in there and hold your head high! You've been through enough - don't feel guilty for how poorly THESE people are treating you!

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited May 2009

    Jaanee, I agree with swim! But I want to add, your boss may also be feeling resentment towards you! Believe it or not! They may have picked up the occasional piece of work and done it for you and you didn't return on bended knee, so they realized they really hadn't helped you and feel guilty, and, as you know, the best defense is an offense!

    Whew! Bunch of schmucks. As angel said, you're better off without them! But of course, we don't know how long you've been there or if there are any options anywhere else.

    She could also be re-asserting her position as ALPHA DOG! hehehehehe of the female persuasion, i.e. Bitch.  Surprised
  • PatMe
    PatMe Member Posts: 70
    edited May 2009

    Jaanee- I agree totally with Swim and Barbe. They are right on! Just don't let your hurt feelings make you do anything rash- like quitting this job before you are SURE you have another one. It is tough out there right now.   

  • kira66715
    kira66715 Member Posts: 4,681
    edited May 2009

    Jaanee,

      I returned to work while still tired from treatment, and had to have another surgery, and suddenly got called in to a meeting of the 5 MEN I worked with and told that if I didn't pick up my pace immediately, I was out. One man told me "he knew what it felt like to have breast cancer."

    Another poster, AnnNYC had a similar experience, and just to know that it's not a gender thing: I spoke to a man I know who was treated for colon cancer and fired for low productivity as well.

    I don't know why people do this: anger over covering you, fear--I can't figure it out.

    In my case case, it made no sense to the office financially or otherwise to have me leave abruptly, but they did.

    In an ideal world there would be compassion and understanding, but in this real world people have their own agendas and sometimes they act in very nasty ways.

    You have every right to be hurt, and it's not fair.

    Your boss clearly has issues, and at least she apologized.

    Everyone heals at their own pace, and IMO you have every right to be hurt, and it's not paranoid, but the only advice I can offer is to lower your expectations for their behavior, and try to focus on what you need and want. Easier said than done.

    I asked if we could negotiate the rapid increase in productivity, and was told to leave--immediately. I know I'm better off without them, but it still hurts.

    Kira 

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited May 2009

    Jeez Kira! I'm wondering something. I, too, was called into a meeting, but so were a bunch of other people, but not all. I was told times were getting tough and I had to decide what I wanted to do. They did acknowledge my health "issue". As I have $300,000 in sales waiting to be delivered, I want to stay to get my commission! As well, I have benefits at work I can't afford to lose.

    I came to the conclusion that they were just "shaking the tree" to see who would fall out and leave as they can't justify firing anyone just for economic reasons. 

  • kira66715
    kira66715 Member Posts: 4,681
    edited May 2009

    Barbe,

      This was a bunch of medical providers, and they were facing tough times because of some bad financial decisions they made when I was on leave. And rather than discuss it with me, they asked me to come to a "general" practice meeting, shut the door and ambushed me. Nice. I was a per diem, with no benefits, so low productivity really impacted me more than them. It made no financial or business sense, but it made sense to them: "I KNOW how it feels to have breast cancer." Really, I didn't until it happened to me. Still mad here.

    Kira 

  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited May 2009

    Hi, Kira ~  So sorry you're having such a stressful time @ work.  I've been there, done that (gotten on the wrong side of a boss, hated going to work) several years pre-bc, and have since wondered if the stress from it contributed to my bc.  So, I have to say right off that I don't like hearing that you're in that kind of a situation now for your future health.

    I agree with everything the other gals have said.  Your boss obviously has issues, but much like barbe, one of the first things I thought of was threatened budget cuts and the need to identify the staff member who can most easily be let go with some justification.  For that possible reason, I think I would have a heart-to-heart with your boss and try to clear the air, especially if your performance issues are a thing of the past.  Unless you're prepared to find another job quickly, I think you're going to have to take the bull by the horns and do whatever it takes to get back in her good graces, including working longer hours and taking on extra work, if necessary.  I would also document each of your conversations with her, just to be sure you have a record of it.

    As far as being left out of the coffee breaks, is that something that happened while you were on leave after surgery?  Or did they start that when you were out?  Maybe they initially thought you couldn't afford the time?  Without knowing the dynamics of the group, it seems like if you were included before, it's time to mention that you've missed joining them, but are now caught up on your work enough to take a break again some days.  To leave it as it is is adding to a dynamic of being singled out that you don't want.     Deanna  

    P.S.  I was writing as you were posting, and just wanted to say that if you are per diem and the others are not, that puts a slightly different spin on things.  They're still jerks, but I can see how it adds to the singling out dynamics.

  • kira66715
    kira66715 Member Posts: 4,681
    edited May 2009

    Deanna, It's Jan who's having the hard time at work--I got fired after I returned from leave, and have moved on to under-employment--a couple of part time jobs.

    But, before I got the diagnosis, the stress was very high at my prior job, and they probably did me a favor to give me the boot, as they told me that quadrupling my hours in a week "would be good for me."

    Kira 

  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited May 2009

    (Reposting, thanks Kira... not quite awake yet here!) 

    Jaanee ~  So sorry you're having such a stressful time @ work.  I've been there, done that (gotten on the wrong side of a boss, hated going to work) several years pre-bc, and have since wondered if the stress from it contributed to my bc.  So, I have to say right off that I don't like hearing that you're in that kind of a situation now for your future health.

    I agree with everything the other gals have said.  Your boss obviously has issues, but much like barbe, one of the first things I thought of was threatened budget cuts and the need to identify the staff member who can most easily be let go with some justification.  For that possible reason, I think I would have a heart-to-heart with your boss and try to clear the air, especially if your performance issues are a thing of the past.  Unless you're prepared to find another job quickly, I think you're going to have to take the bull by the horns and do whatever it takes to get back in her good graces, including working longer hours and taking on extra work, if necessary.  I would also document each of your conversations with her, just to be sure you have a record of it.

    As far as being left out of the coffee breaks, is that something that happened while you were on leave after surgery?  Or did they start that when you were out?  Maybe they initially thought you couldn't afford the time?  Without knowing the dynamics of the group, it seems like if you were included before, it's time to mention that you've missed joining them, but are now caught up on your work enough to take a break again some days.  To leave it as it is is adding to a dynamic of being singled out that you don't want.     

    And Kira, I'm so sorry that you went through something similar.  None of us need job issues or income concerns on top of bc, and it's all too common!   I don't know why people can't be more compassionate.  It's very disappointing.   Deanna  

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited May 2009

    Ah Kira, I wish I was there to give you a hug when you walked out of the room. I probably would have burst into tears. People think I'm such a toughie, but really I'm a suck. Cry

    HUGS to {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Jaanee }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and ((((((((((((((((((((  Kira )))))))))))))))))))))

  • kira66715
    kira66715 Member Posts: 4,681
    edited May 2009

    Deanna and Barbe, thank you!

    I did cry, and the medical director told me he wouldn't talk to me until I got myself under control...

    I come off as tough also, but it's a facade.

    Jaanee, we do the best we can under difficult circumstances, and I agree with Deanna, and from my own experience, sometimes we get scapegoated for economic and other reasons.

    Kira 

  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited May 2009

    kira ~ Well, of course you cried!  Many of us cry these days (post bc) at things far less scary or obnoxious or demoralizing than that experience.  What a jerk that guy was!!!   It's good I'm not crossing paths with him today.  Oh, I would love to give him a piece of my mind!  But he's probably too dense for it to matter.   Hopefully, there's a much better opportunity in your future.  Maybe it's just a matter of timing.  I hope so...      Deanna

  • pabbie
    pabbie Member Posts: 370
    edited May 2009

    Jaanee-

    After alot of job searching after my 1st cancer in 1999, I found the Dept. of Rehabilitation. This is a state agency. In CA, the jobs are called LEAP-Limited Examination Appointment Program-Cancer is considered a limitation re: work. (the side effects, etc.) These jobs will give you reasonable accomodations and a union in which you can file grievances against a manager like that.

    I've had groups go to break at my work and it hurt but it also felt like high school. I also don't want to get involved with gossip because we don't need any negatives when trying to heal from cancer. Also these groups were inevitably trying to avoid working. 

    And wow, only off a month. We're protected for a year in our jobs re: The Family Act. (I can't think of the full act) Chemopause!  Please take care of yourself.

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited May 2009
    I call it the "Sandbox Mentality". You see it around these boards sometimes too! Yell
  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited May 2009

    Jaanee, let us know how this day, Monday, went for you. I don't know if you have this site on at work, but I care, and want to make sure you're okay. You have an awful lot of elephant sisters standing right behind you....you are not alone.

  • Jaanee
    Jaanee Member Posts: 69
    edited May 2009

    Wow,  you guys are fantastic.Thanks for your comments and support.

    It was obvious this morning that stress effects fibromyalgia. I had to ask DH for help rolling out of bed. I even took extra painkillers and tranquilizers to work but ended up not using any of them. I was nose to the grindstone all day except for my lunchtime walk. As suggested I have documented the meeting from last week and I printed off the emails from my boss that contradict themselves. In the course of a week regarding the evaluation of a proposal I got "this is great" followed a week later with "you really need to work on this". Nothing changed except her opinion. 

    I know the boss has a problem. One day I was in line at the pharmacy when I noticed the boss was right in front of me. She happened to turn and see me. Then, in tears, announced that she was joining the prozac generation. I'm not sure if prozac should be her drug. Maybe something more for a bi-polar problem. Since all this stuff was going on before her announcement I don't think I can say that knowing her little secret is what's making her upset. I just think she's undermedicated. Tongue out

    The routine of leaving me out started before I was even dx. When first hired I was the golden girl. Everyone else in the section had quit, every one of them complaining that the boss was micromanaging. So I was the only other employee. Slowly new people were hired and sometimes they went on coffee break too but most of the time it was me and the boss. Until two years ago, our manager was hired and the day she started work I was replaced on the coffee break runs. Nothing had changed when I got back to work last August. Over the winter, while I was working, the group started going without me. THAT actually hurt my feelings but I kept quiet. I'm glad to hear from you all that I'm not nuts to feel left out. 

    I do realize that I'm not in 7th grade anymore and I have a little reminder posted on my monitor. In German, so I'm the only one who can read it, it says that "I'm not at work to make friends, I am friendly while I am at work". It helps. :-)

    Pabbie I wish I lived in CA. I don't know if they have similar programs here in Iowa but I will be looking into it. 

    Kira, Deanna, Patme and Swim: I remain in search of a new, more satisfying career. Believe me, I will not be quitting unless fully employed elsewhere. I've grown accustomed to indoor plumbing. IF the boss decides to fire me I'll not be stepping out without a fight. I do stay out of gossip, always have, always will. I just got an idea for a new reseach paper - Workplace reactions to serious illness. 

    Barbe, can I pack you up and bring you home? 

    Today, to make sure my recovery continues, I made an appointment with a counselor to work on de-stressing myself and keeping an emotional even keel.  Next week I'll be 50 years old. My son has worked for months now planning my first ever birthday party. He and his wife designed invitations with the breast cancer ribbon and have invited every person I've ever known. Quite a few people have RSVP'd but most importantly my family will be all in one place for a day. I'm looking forward to a bite of cake and a day with family and friends. Meanwhile I'll keep working hard and I'll document, document, document!!

     Thanks ladies - you're luverly!

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited May 2009

    Jaanee! I'm so proud of you! It's great to start to take control, isn't it? I also say, "I'm not at work to make friends, I'm at work to make money!"

    I have FM too! It's hard enough with all this without that as well, isn't it? I am taking a new slow-release drug called Tridural that seems to be keeping my pain level down to a manageable level as it stays in my system 24/7. About the only thing my DH hasn't had to do for me is wipe my bum! He can undress/dress me faster than I can! He's had to feed me Tylenol 3's while I was lying in bed and I'd have to chew them as I couldn't lift my head to take water...Cry

    I think (always thinking!) that maybe your boss is afraid that you'll want to be buddy/buddy now that you know about the Prozac! She may be trying to keep you at arm's length (and doing a good job of it!)

    Besides, you should head over the the "Housework" thread. We have coffee all day long and your boss isn't invited! We are your closer friends and understand and care for you a lot more than those syncophants! (Look THAT up in Google if you have to!) I love that word as it sounds just right!

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ HUGZ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    We'll be thinking of you on Tuesday, too, you know!  Kiss 

  • kira66715
    kira66715 Member Posts: 4,681
    edited May 2009

    Jaanee,

      It sounds like you figured things out very quickly, and a paper trail is good. Keep those emails.

      I love the sign: I'm not at work to make friends, I'm friendly while I'm at work--

      It's great that you keep it up in German! I agree that you make a move, when it's right for YOU.

      Hope the fibromyalgia settles down, but I'm so impressed at how quickly you took the control back.

    Kira 

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2009

    I'm floored reading this thread of how hurtful people can be.  I don't know why, but I am.  Our society has become so insensitive and we have been in that "ME" mentality for way too long.

    http://www.dol.gov/dol/topic/benefits-leave/fmla.htm

    Here's information on the Federal Family Medical Leave Act.  Hopefully it will afford you some protection against losing your job until you are ready to move on.   I don't believe they can make up reasons to let you go if you are a full-time employee at the time of your dx.  Arm yourself if possible, before it's needed and look up to have a labor attorney's name ready.  Don't let them get away with any underhanded activities if you can help it.

    Do you really want to be included in a group that treats you so shabbily?  Maybe at first it was oversight but for it to continue, they know exactly what they are doing and how hurtful they are being.  If they don't have the courage or heart to decline to join the group, you don't need them. 

    You go to work every day, my sisters, and hold your heads up high because you are the fortunate ones who are not lowering your standards of caring for others.  You are the better person.

    Now I'm mad...... but I'll rise above them.

  • Jean09
    Jean09 Member Posts: 126
    edited August 2009
  • MelissaMF
    MelissaMF Member Posts: 26
    edited June 2009

    Jean,

     I am a manager in HR.  I have never heard of such a thing.  Contact your HR Director to ensure this is all legit.  Also check your local state legislation.  I know sometimes, which I hate to admit, some people in my dept do not have the correct facts for our policies.  FMLA is Federal Law.  Have you tried to apply under that yet?  You will be covered and protected.  They can't screw with you as easily.  You will be guaranteed a job back that is a the same pay as your current.  It might not be the same exact job, but they generally cannot hurt you for taking leave, as long as you qualify to be covered under FMLA. Check the guidlines to ensure you meet the criteria and bring it to your HR dept...don't drop this!  If you meet the criteria...then you are entitled to FMLA!  It's not right what they are doing to you!  http://www.dol.gov/esa/whd/fmla/

  • Jean09
    Jean09 Member Posts: 126
    edited August 2009

    Hi Melissa,

    I had an option of FMLA or STD.  The HR lady suggested I take STD because I would be paid where FMLA you are not paid.  Since I am already on STD, can I still apply for FMLA?  Can you have both benefits at once?  My STD will be running out in July and then I have to go LTD, per the company new policy.  I have my enrollment papers from the beginning of the year and it does not state termination after six months of disability (std for 3 months and ltd for 3 months).  It's a new policy they just added.  This company is an "at will" company so I dont know where I stand legally.  Also, just to note, the FMLA company policy is for 3 months also, no more.

  • Jean09
    Jean09 Member Posts: 126
    edited August 2009

    Hi Patoo,

    I opted for STD over FMLA per the advice of the HR lady.  I would be paid on STD.  I did request their policy at the time but she just sent me the forms for STD, not the policy.  I went ahead and got everything going so I would get paid, them WHAM, a week later the vice president calls and tells me they would need to fill my position because I would be out to long.  AND when I was ready to come back I would not go into my old position and there would be adjustments to my salary.  I'm so stressed right now it makes me sick.  No, I do not want to go back there after what they are putting me through.  I feel they are pushing me out, discrimminating against me because I have breast cancer and would be a high risk if I came back.

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