How to break the news to your little ones

Hi there - my boys were 7 and 2 when I was diagnosed last fall, and I am also a licensed child therapist by profession. You are right, kids are intuitive, so they need to know the facts before their imaginations take hold and make things even worse. The above books are great, and maybe in addition add some "feelings" books [Today I feel Silly - Curtis; My Many Colored Days - Dr. Suess] to keep them expressing themselves. My husband and I went for a very factual approach, esp. with the chemo [It's gonna make mommy feel sick or tired, but that means it's working and we'll be ok] and round up the support system to give some relief. I found chemo cycles became a bit predicatable, so I would farm the kids out to grandma or aunts on tougher days. Kids are amazingly tough and insightful - keep your chin up and they will be fine. They will be reassured by knowing what's going on. Best of luck!

Patty

www.caringbridge.org/visit/pattyk

Kimie, this was one of my biggest concerns when I was diagnosed.  My son was 6 at the time. I spoke to a social worker at the hospital where I was treated (Dana Farber in Boston) and she gave me some very good advice: You don't have to tell children everything, but everything you tell them should be the truth.  (Actually, I think this applies to parenting in general, not just to these difficult circumstances.)

I did my best to explain to my son what was wrong with me and what was going to happen, in terms that he would understand and that wouldn't be scary to him.  I waited until about a week before each surgery/treatment before telling him about it, so that he had time to process and ask questions but not too much time to be confused about what was going on (two weeks can feel like years to a little kid!).

I found that it was easier to try to seize the moment when he was asking a question rather than to sit down and have a "talk" -- my son literally got up and ran away if I got too serious. One morning as I was combing his hair before school he said something about a wig, and I took that as an opportunity to tell him about chemo. I told him that I would be taking a crazy medicine that would make me sick before it made me better, and that all of my hair was going to fall out, so "you're going to have a bald mom!"  He looked sort of shocked, thought for a moment and then replied, "I think that's kind of cool."  Kids are amazing, really they are.  I could scarcely look at myself in the mirror when I was bald, but he didn't seem bothered -- I don't think he really even noticed, I was just his Mama.  He did get angry sometimes because I didn't have the energy to play with him or do regular stuff sometimes -- I am the mom, I'm not supposed to get sick, right?  But overall he has gotten through all this very well.  I'm a single mom so it's just the two of us at home, but he spent a lot of time with his father (who has been very supportive) and also with my parents, so he's always had someone to take care of him when I didn't feel up to it.

It's been almost a year since I finished chemo and I recently had a big reconstruction surgery. My son just turned 8, and he does ask questions about cancer sometimes.  I tell him that I still go to the doctor every six months to get checked out but that right now I am fine.  He really doesn't dwell on it.

Best of luck to you!