My oncologist said, when I expressed my fear of reoccurance, that this was normal, especially in the beginning, until I would find a 'strategy' to deal with it.

I really wonder if there is such a thing as a strategy. Like what? Staying super busy? Think of something else whenever I think of cancer (about a million times a day?). I almost feel that it is something the oncologists throw out there....Is there a trick better than the famous one foot in front of the other?

??

I know. Now that I am done with the chemo and radiation, there is just the hormone treatment left (and the remainder of the Herceptin). I find myself looking for reassurance. Desperately. It is hard to find in the Dr's office. Not that they are unkind. Just that they see some many cancer patients, they don't have time for handholding, I guess. Friends and family can only do so much. They say I look 'good'. Time to move on, right?

Take care.

YATCOMW, I read one of your posts from back in February.  It sure lifted my spirits.  Thanks for sharing your stories of sucess with us.  I am trying so hard to get back to a somewhat 'normal' life.  It is hard.

Thank you again,

Leslie

I had my # 3 A/C two weeks ago, I am due for # 4 next week.

Chemo so far is easy for me, no side effects at all besides hair loss.

I still cry every day, the fear of recurrence is so strong. The treatment is easy, and I dont feel sick at all, I dont feel any cancer, my body feels great, but my mind is hurt, my security is lost, I feel having no more trust in my body, in my future.

Even when I see pictures of my daughter, I cry, I am so afraid to hurt them. I was always the healthy one in the family, never have been a day sick,NOW,  I walk on the streets with my eyes on the floor. I used to walk with my head searching to meet people,-- NOW, I avoid any contact.

I dont feel comfortable when my 14 year old daughter brings friends home , I feel that they will have pity with my daughter. Before BC our home was filled with girls, NOW ,- the only pleasure I have is working in my garden, with no one to judge me. My DH is going now to all the School events, I dont feel going anymore, with my wig I look " sick" I dont want people to have that puppy look at me, poor her, poor mother of Emily...

I was told positive thinking will help in preventing recurrence, but I dont really believe in this, though I guess I have no choice. I dont know WHY I got my BC, I do have an idea, and think that to much milk and meat products plus stress and social smoking triggert perhaps my cancer. NOW, I try all the best I can to avoid recurrance, I am still in treatment, and I watch what I eat, do a lot of exercise, I am not overweight, and have always had a lot of energy.  My life is great, my girls are super, my home lovely, my part time job fun, my husband great.

What else is there to do.........

Have hope and give so much love

Carol 

Thanks Celtric_Spirit,

I know I will get there, but for how long is my question.

How long ????

I need to make plans again, need to have hope that I will see my grand-children grow-up, need to see a future where I can live just without thinking about BC.

I am tiried of people saying you have to take a day by day, NO, I will take my life day by day, I always did, but I need to see myself here on earth with my girls happy and laughing untill they will get me into a nursing home.

Carol 

Wow, these are some great inspiring stories, and as you say, we really need to concentrate on all the success stories out there, not on those that aren't so lucky. It is hard, I get really scared so often, and then other days I absolutely know in my heart that things will work out. My Onc keeps telling me that we are doing everything we can, I intend to do everything I can beyond what we am doing medically (exercise, diet, positive thinking) and then you just have to hope it is enough.

My Onc also really stresses how it is very important to be positive, I think it helps. I was quite down a few weeks ago and got a referral to a Oncology Psyciatrist - Carol, you might want to ask if there is someone you can talk too. I think we need all the help we can get.

I also was telling my Onc I couldn't stop thinking about dying - she sort of laughed a bit and said "well, you aren't dying" and it gave me a bit of a wake up call - right now, I aren't. We don't know what the future holds for us (nobody does, BC or not) and I am throwing away today worrying about what may or may not be in my future. This is not an easy road to walk, and not one any of us have chosen, yet all we can do is make the best of the situation we have found ourselves in.

To you amazing women approaching your 5 year mark, thank you for still coming back to show us that there is a future, and a happy one at that.

So Sherri, are you planning anything special for the 11th? It is quite the milestone!

Today is the 2 year anniversary of the dreaded "it is cancer" statement for me. I have been NED since Aug. 4 '07 (as far as I know). Because I had a mediastinal node that lit up on the PET scan I was given a very poor prognosis. The first onc I went to was a big hospital Dr. where I thought I would get the most advanced care. He looked at me like I was already a dead woman! I left him after 2 visits and went to my local onc.

On my first visit with him I remember sitting on the exam table (husband holding one hand, nurse holding the other) and just bawling my eyes out as he went through all my stats and gave me all the "this is unfavorable for you, this is unfavorable as well". Through all my crying he never broke stride in giving me my diagnosis. But when he was done, he took one of my hands, looked me in the eye and in his broken English (he is Indian), he said "Three things for you to remember right now. First, you keep your faith in your family, second you keep your faith in God, and Third - most important - you keep your faith in yourself." I still get the goosebumps remembering that day and how special those words were to me. I have never looked back and I feel like I have a truly special Dr. in my corner!

BTW.... I am having a PET in 3 weeks and if all is still clear I will be looking to have a double mastectomy. Not recommended for a Stage IV patient but I've decided for myself (and my special Onc. is backing me all the way) that I want to have more control over my health. It may still come back but at least I won't have to say "what if" or "why didn't I do everything I could".

My advice is to always believe in yourself and have confidence in your strength!

Anita

Jacqueline, thanks again for the inspiring words.  It means the world to us 'newer' gals to hear from women who are further out and getting on with their lives.  It seems I get a day of not obsessing and then something throws me right back in.  I'll be a year out in May.  I will say I am looking forward to this summer more than any other.  Last year at this time I was heading towards the biggest scare of my life.  I had my first chemo June 2 and my daughter's grad party was June 6th.  It was all so overwhelming.  It does seem though, when I look back, that while being treated there was a sense of security from all the meds, and medical staff.  Once treatment wa over and I was  left alone............. that's when my fear really started.

I'm at 3 1/2 years and most of the time I'm OK . I find myself worrying more the closer I get to 5 years. I can remember asking my onc about my prognosis and the face he made before he changed the subject. It's been good to read through these posts and be reminded that we aren't statistics.

    you spoke about your radiologist saying prognosis would not be good and then another post mentioned her negative oncologist.......I don't believe a doctor should give a patient false hope and I like it when my oncologist is up front with me and tells me what it going on without sugar coating it, BUT whatever happened to bedside manner and positive attitude.  I like to think there is always hope and people tell me the reason I have done so well is that I have not let my diagnosis get me down.......which I am not bragging about I just figured there were two ways to do this, I could go sit in a corner and cry and feel sorry for myself or I could carry on and try to live as normal of a life as possible.  When my cancer recurred 8 yrs after my initial diagnosis and I was told I was Stage lV, I went to the library and stayed for several hours reading just to find out what it meant....the statistics were so depressing that I immediately went from there to Walgreens where I purchased a very large box of milkduds and ate them alll so I not only felt depressed, I felt sick.   That was 11 years ago and I am still here, still working and for the most part doing things as I always did (can't do everything I used to do, but aging has more to do with that than cancer).  You can't dwell on what might happen.....just because the possibility of the cancer reoccuring is there, does not necessarily mean it will happen.  Oh, I know the fear of it is always there......like every time I have a scan or a new ache, I find myself thinking, Is it the cancer?  Has it moved somewhere else?, is it getting larger?  It's normal to think that way, but just because it could happen, does not mean it will.  Think positive, live each day to its fullest and don't worry about what if.   Easier said than done, I know, but as time passes you will find you think about it less and less and when and if it does happen, you will deal with it then.  They come out with new treatments every year and some of the ones they used on me, were not even in existence when I was first diagnosed.  Hope springs eternal.  RIght now I am doing avastin/ abraxane and we won't know if it is working until I have my scans in a few weeks, but I am not yet ready to throw in the towel.  

Celtic Spirit mentioned that it seemed that chemo was the darkest time for most.  My chemo was sooooo hard on me that I thought I was going to die at times!  But emotionally, it was the radiation that pushed me over the edge.  I don't know why, as I surely felt better physically.  I had horrible burns, etc., but not that "sick" feeling that I had during chemo.  I think I cried for the first time during radiation, and now I feel like I'm not coming out of that dark hole at all.  It's been two weeks since radiation ended and I'm still down on the bottom!!!!  Don't know why, can't put a finger on it, no specific fears, etc.  Maybe it's all still the effects of radiation, I don't know!

Hi!  What an uplifting thread!  This is my second go around. I had a Stage 1 last summer with reconstruction, when I had my healthy breast reduced to match my reconstructed breast Stage 3c was found. Nothing on mamos. MRI, or physical exam.  I am a RN, who was diligent with care and fell thru the cracks! I am now half way thruTAC and will have rads this summer.  Thanks for the positives tories!  I have A 14yo DD that I want to see grow up! I am very positive, work exercise and have few SE.  My onc and surgeon are very positive ! So that helps!  Thanks, Dawn

I'm living with these fears, too!  In fact, I've been having some pain on my right side, just below the ribcage, and wondering if it's my liver.  Also have these headaches. . .?????  How long do you wait before contacting the oncologist?  I hate to be a whiner and complainer and run in there with ever little ache and pain!  How do you know????

neilia could be gallbladder problems too...I had awful pain on the right just under my ribs and it turned out to be a diseased gallbladder...No stones it just quit working.....It wouldn't drain but 12% of its contents......Good luck to you....

And YES I still have the fear of recuurence even though mine was so small and it was caught early.... I worry also for my sister who was stage 2b or 3.......She is very small and hardly weighs anything anyway so I feel very protective of her....Even though we are 400 miles apart......