**NEW** Starting Chemo March 2009

Hi Ladies.  TGIF.  I've read through the posts and have a few thoughts.  I hope this doesn't piss anybody off.  I promise that's not my intent.

Hair or the lack thereof does not define you.  A few people have mentioned feeling so self-conscious about their baldness that they would rather just not go out.  Please, don't let your self image take such a hit from this experience.  People really are not paying nearly as much attention to you as you think they are.  And, if they are, that's their problem, not yours.  Self-image is just that *self* image.  It's how you see yourself.  It's not how other people see you.  See yourself as you are and as you have always been, and realize that your hair never had anything to do with it.  Do I miss my hair?  Hell yes.  Am I tired of wearing hats and scarves and bandanas?  Yes.  Do I stay home because of it?  Uh, wait, are you kidding?  I already have to deal with cancer and surgeries and chemo and feeling like shit and rearranging my life.  Am I going to give up the opportunity to keep what normalcy I can in the face of all this, because I'm afraid someone might look at me funny?  No.  Absolutely not.  I don't care if people know what I'm going through, think I shaved my head to make a statement, wonder why I'm wearing a hat because they can't even tell I'm bald under it, or anything else.  I don't care.  Try not to care.  Please.  It makes me sad to read these things.  It makes me mad to read these things.  It's all about you, and you have the power to feel any way you want.  I don't walk around bald, but I'll take my hat off and show anyone who's curious.  I don't care.  It's my head.  My hair fell out.  So what?  So put on a hat, draw on your eyebrows, and go out into the world.

Cumulative fatigue is absolutely the case with the AC.  I'm on Day 10 from tx #3 and I still feel maybe 70% of normal.  It sucks.  I know alot of you are on TC or other cocktails, and it seems like this is common throughout, that the longer we torture our bodies, the longer it takes them to recover.  It sucks.  Did I say that already?

People are weird.  Last night at my dance studio a woman that I barely know walked up to me, didn't say anything, put her arms around me, and hugged me.  She hugged me so tight that I could not pull away.  She didn't say anything, and then finally when she released me she told me she loved me.  What?  I barely know this person.  I mean, okay, it was nicer than a kick in the head and I'll never turn down a hug, but it was weird.  Maybe it was because I had on my new T-shirt and she didn't know until she saw it what I was dealing with, and she just felt inspired.  The T-shirt says "I pay my oncologist big bucks for this hair style" and I realize it's in pretty bad taste, but I think it's hilarious.

I'm hoping we'll hear from Buddy soon - have been thinking about her.

Sorry all.  I'm fired up today. 

Hair.....is so overrated.....I actually don't miss mine much.  I LOVE all the extra time in the AM getting ready.  I would love to go bald everywhere but so far have not done it yet....and I mean YET.  I am going to do it.  These damn buffs are h - o - t HOT and personally I think I look WAY better bald than I do with some of the buffs.  If someone really has the nerve to come up and ask me what I am going through then I will tell them, otherwise let them think I am a competetive swimmer or maybe I shaved to support someone else fighting cancer/hair loss.  We are NOT sick.....we just need a little chemo gals......this will all be over before we know it and NO ONE but us will really remember what it was like when we had no hair.

smiles to all.....you are all beautiful.

Hello Everyone!

I was down for the count for the last few days, still not great, but I'm not giving up.

Seems like I came in on good conversations ... been trying to go back and read the posts.  Pickle141 - Just needed some time to recover enough to sit at the computer.  Janet0527 - I totally agree with you!  It took 95 degree weather to make me realize how miserable I was making myself by trying to keep up the image of having a head full of hair.  Everyday my husband and co-workers would tell me to stop wearing the wigs, because I was still beautiful without the hair (beauty comes from within).  But I was so worried about what strangers would think when they saw me (I know ... sad isn't it).  Except for one day (I wore a cute fuschia scarf) I went the week without any type of covering.  It was wonderful!!!  I plan to attend Church this weekend au natural.  I was certainly not offended by your statement, instead it gave me encouragement. 

Feeling Sexy - I must be the odd one out .... not only has my desire increased ... I find myself having 'interesting' dreams even during my naps!  Has anyone else experienced that???

didle20diane - I have come to realize I don't miss my hair as much as I thought I would.  I love getting in the shower, jumping out and not having to worry is my hair dry.

FYI - I'm an Apple Martini gal

I'm going to continue to try and catch up on the posts.  Hugs to everyone going thru good and bad SEs.  I'll post more once I'm all caught up!

Hi Ladies,

I guess the question is to me, do I  still have the same body image as before. I must say I do. I still feel I look the same as before.Yes it is strange being with no hair but the same person is still in the mirror. My DH does prefer seeing me with a wig as I look more like myself but he can tolerate me anyway. We are older so sexuality does not pay as big a role in our marriage as you younger girls.

I do have to say that my DH has yet to see my chest after my three Breast surgeries.I guess he is squimish, It is not a very pretty site.

I do like the fact that my showers are short. I also like the fact that my hair( wig) always looks good. No bad hair days. Some days as much as I tried I had the frizz.

I know I am lucky that I can wear the wig for a good number of hours. I know I should be thankful. I do not work but wear it just to feel good when I go out.

I guess the idea that people should see me without hair terrifies me.I don't want people to say oh that lady has cancer. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I guess I always looked at people with a scarf and said to myself that lady has cancer. Being in that position myself now  I look differently at us. I must say I don't think my friends feel bad for me or sorry for me. I still act the same , except maybe for chemo week. I hope that in the future my attitude will change towards people in scarfs.

I don't consider myself sick at all. I had early stage cancer. It was removed by a mastectomy. But my oncotype score was high so I had chemo. Now I will have to wear this badge of having no hair for some time. How does it make me feel? I am not sure as the perception of others does matter. I guess that is why I like wearing the wig outside.

I know some of you have had cancers that were worse than mine but we are all in the same ballpark with this hair loss. No one knows what is wrong with us. I guess it is our attitude in front of others that makes them form their perception of us.

Sorry for rambling but I guess these thoughts have been on my mind.I know all are different and dealing with illness is not easy for all. I do remember someone writing a while back about if one had lived with adversity in ones life your attitute and ability to deal with bad things is easier .

Must go to bed. These are just my ramblings. I know we all have different feelings as to how we confront our BC. I do admire all you young women and mothers with such good optimistic attitudes.  

Buddy- Hope all is well with you.

Gina- Hope you continue to feel better

Hugs to All..

Francine

i'm also glad someone brought this up. i feel the most unsexy when i'm getting ready to go to bed sitting there bald with glasses on. of course that's when the husband wants to pounce me. lol. i'm thankful that he hasn't changed how he views me at all - never has a minute from the time of my mastectomy. believe me, i know not all husbands can feel this way. but when i'm getting out of the shower and i catch myself in the mirror - the scars, and the expanders looking so weird, and the no hair - i can't help but feel unrecognizable.

Janet - I do somewhat agree with you.  I have decided the wig is now just a room decoration and I will most likely never put it on again.  I wear coordinating buffs to work and everywear else.  At home I wear a head covering unless I am having a hot flash or am just normally warm and go to bed bald, so only a few people other than DH have seen me totally bald.  At the elementary school where I work in the office, wearing buffs has made it clear to the parents that I am going through treatment and that makes them not afraid to ask how I am or talk to me about the BC. When I wore the wig, it was like they didn't know if they were supposed to know about it.   In public I have been approached by many BC survivors, telling me their stories and offering prayers, asking how I am, etc.  Some students tell their parents they want to see what I will wear on my head the next day, or will comment that they like my bandana.  They are so cute with some of their comments or questions.  Yesterday, a 3rd grade boy, brought my water to me that I had left in the school library,  he said, I washed my hands first and didn't breathe on it either, and we gave each other a big smile and it just made me laugh.  Several students have also brought in little gifts and/or cards that are just so sweet and this still surprises me.  So I have been giving back lots of thank you hugs, notes, and words to my school family.  All of this support will definitely change the way I respond when acquaintances or friends or family are going through a crisis or health issue.

I have not had the desire for sex in a while either.  For me that has been a weight issue not a hair loss/lumpectomy/cancer issue (but this probably doesn't help). 

I'm really glad this was brought up too- I'm not feeling very sexy either- I'm okay with the self image most of the time- DH is great. I go bald a lot at home- and sometimes I just catch myself in the mirror and well, I'm just tired of beng bald. It actually takes me longer to get ready cause I have a hard time figuring out what scarf to wear. I miss my real breast, but the TRAM one is ok, Dh likes it. I miss the sensations I had more than anything.

How is everyone else doing who is pre-menopausal? I got one period on schedule two weeks after first tx, but since then nothing. I have been having hot flashes and things down south seem to be shut down in the sex dept- and I'm just tired. DH got a vasectomy in feb and just went and got tested to make sure it worked- it did- so we had some cause for celebration but it was a struggle for me- I've tried Replens a couple times and the usual supplemental lube but it kinda hurt anyway. There is a good really long thread elsewhere on here called "I want my Mojo back" that is really good on this topic.

 I hope my period comes back, I really don't want to be in menopause at 35.

Alyad, I can't speak to the peiod isuue as I had a bysterectomy when I was 30 (still have my ovaries though) As for hot flashes and "down south" issues, I have been having them for the last couple of years. Perimenopause I guess.

Thanks for the tip on the Mojo thread...I'd love to get my mojo back so I'll be checking that out.

I'm about 3 weeks overdue so I'm pretty sure its not coming. I think the chemo zapps your ovaries so thats why no periods? Tamoxifen can give menopause symptoms but I think most younger women will still have periods ? maybe.? I am supposed to be on that too later. There was some discussion of ovarian ablation too- I am strongly ER+ 99%. The hot flashes I've had so far don't bother me that much, I tend to overheat quickly anyway, so I'm kinda used to that. It's mainly the dryness that bothers me. and of course the loss of a functioning breast. I think once I get through chemo and get the energy back I can work around all that stuff- I hope. I've just been married almost a year.

I tried to post a link to the Mojo thread but it didn't work. Go up the pink bar at the top of the page, on the right there is Search- type in I want my mojo back . The thread was started 5 years ago and has a lot of good ideas.

It's the chemo that zaps the ovaries. despite Tamoxifen just blocking the estrogen receptors it can cause all sorts of menopause like symptoms .

My periods stopped after my 2nd TC, which I dont' miss at all...but I have hot flashes like crazy...I'm 41 and the doc told me that getting hot flashes now means my estrogen has stopped and that's good for me, since I am ER+...glad the estrogen stopped but the hot flashes can be rough...at least in my opinion....As for the loving side of marriage...my hubby is always ready, but it doesn't feel right to me...i didn't have a mastectomy but i don't like him looking anyway and being bald doesn't help..i don't fell like myself that much anymore. 

Alyad - I am having Zoladex to shut down my ovaries during chemo, so no more periods for me for a while. I had one about 2 weeks after my first AC but since then the injections have kicked in and the fertility doctor told me I wil have no more until after the injections stop. Apparently women in our age group have about 70-80% chance of periods coming back. Fingers crossed for us both.

Buddy -please check in and let us know how you are doing!

Cyndi and others - I have continued having sex with my boyfriend since treatment started. I am much luckier than many of you because I did not have a mastectomy and so have fewer changes in my body to cope with. Since I am on Zoladex I have to be careful of dryness etc, but there are ways round that. I have posted a few times on the mojo thread and won't repeat here what I have said there but I can say that I have found that focussing on my boyfriend's pleasure has been a great way to get my own body interested. Nothing is as sexy as a man who you've turned on!

My body is definitely not as interested in sex as it was before AC and Zoladex, but I have had some very very nice experiences in the last month for which I am very very grateful. And in fact on a number of occasions I have felt so much better afterwards - less neck pain, for instance, which is weird. I guess it just relaxes you generally.

I should say that I have made a really conscious effort to keep having sex, because my relationship is quite a new one and this would usually be the time when we were having sex every day. My boyfriend has been very clear that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, but maintaining sexual intimacy - even if I personally am not as into it as I was -  is an important part of me feeling that my life is continuing normally. I want chemo to intrude as little as possible into my life. I still want to feel sexy, and though I don't feel particularly sexy bald, I do feel sexy when I hear my boyfriend moan because of what I am doing to him (sorry if that is too much information!)

I'm a week and a half out from my second AC. Got a bad cold this week and have had to take things easier than I would have wanted, but apart from that I am still blessed with remarkably few SEs. 

Hope everyone has  had  a good weekend.