Does anyone else feel the way I do?

I sense you have read some of the articles about how some breast cancers may resolve by themselves.  IMO I think you are alot like me in that we fell into that small very unlucky percentage group whose breast cancers were more aggressive.  Mine was only detected via a mammogram as it was deep against my chest and I have small breasts.  I am thankful for the mammogram as I would never have found this lump 1.8cm and NONE of my doctors were able to feel it upon physical exam. The center of my IDC was .5cm DCIS which had not been detected and had spread to IDC and one positive lymph node.  I ended up with lumpectomy getting chemo 4 DD AC and 4 DD Taxol plus rads and I insisted on a ooph too. 

I realize I don't have the bilateral mastectomy like what your went through  -- but several times I asked for it but was told no for my circumstances. I did tell my doctors if they ever see so much as a spot on my mammograms then I want these breasts gone. Too stressful going through these scans and waiting to hear when the bc may be back.  I guess I have no words of wisdom as this is a very personal and hard journey for all of us.  For me, I feel the mammogram probably saved my life for now and I am very greatful for every day God gives me. Some how try to find peace and cherish every day.  I hope my reply doesn't offend you.  Hugs Joann

Baywatcher - I understand how you feel - the regrets - the doubting the decisions you made in the past. I don't regret getting a mammo (I skipped three years thinking I was low risk, but then an IDC nodule was found anyway.) What was your pathology for the IDC? Grade 3 is pretty serious - what stage were you and were you Her2+?

I do regret having had a mastectomy and the free-tram - my body is not the same at all, especially not after the mrsa staph in my abdomen. My stomach is still numb and distended (from the hernia) and I'll need more surgery this summer to repair that and the new "foob". But ultimately I think I've started to move on. Being finished with the year of Herceptin has been a HUGE upper for me - I'm like you, I don't want antidepressants. It's enough I have to take a thyroid pill and Arimidex every day. Sometimes I re-read my old posts here at bc.org and that helps me understand the feelings of fear I went through and how I arrived at my decision to get the mx. Sure I could have had a lump with rads - but I was afraid - and who knows what other problems I've avoided since I avoided the rads? I prayed long and hard for God to help me arrive at my decision - and now I'm praying that I will stop looking back with regret. The biggest regret is that breast cancer the Beast EXISTS..........and there is no cure ...........so I have promised myself to try hard to move forward and pray for my sisters with mets and not to feel too sorry for myself as I go through more surgery.

Please don't worry - you are NOT losing your mind - we lost control over our bodies and that is the most regrettable thing. THe answer is NOT in blaming the mammogram - it's blaming the BEAST (breast cancer)! If you have a tendency like me to think "what if"........think to yourself "what if I didn't get the mammo".........then imagine a different pathway your life could have taken, one where the tumor DID grow large enough to become a lump - where it infiltrated your lymph nodes - where possibly it became a Stage 4 - and you'd be lamenting that you didn't get a mammo soon enough. The mammo wasn't your enemy - burying your head in the sand is NOT the answer...........you did the right thing at the time you went through all this. Sure our mothers and grandmothers lived long lives (my mom is 85 and has never had a mammo - my grandmothers lived into their 80's) but rememter - they lived in a different world, a world without plastics and insectisides and other environmental pollutants, never mind the food we eat today is so processed compared to their day. You ar only 6 months out of surgery - it is quite natural for you to feel down about your body now. I'm sorry you don't want to consider reconstruction or prothesis as all, it might help you feel better. Hang in there and I hope you'll feel better soon!

If I never had my mammo I would probably  be dead by now so...nope, don't regret it.  I'm sorry you're having such a hard time and hope you are able to somehow get past this.

I also had 3 tumors, but could only feel 1, and lumpectomy was not an option.  I decided to have a bilat.....I too am 6 months out of surgery.  I have opted for reconstruction and am very excited about it.  I was very depressed because I felt like everything feminine had been cut away or fallen out.....hysterectomy due to ovarian tumor...breast due to bc....hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes all gone to chemo........I felt like an IT.....but now that I am over all that and in the process of reconstruction I am excited.  Having breasts was important to me...obviously very important.

Soooo, have you considered reconstruction?????  Also talk to your doc about PTSD, it is not uncommon for us to have this.  I hope you find your new normal to be a happy one, it may just take a bit longer so hang in there.  And congrats on the new grandbaby

Hugs, Karen 

Somewhat. I had a unilateral mastectomy two weeks ago and though the cancer is gone I am very upset and feel my body and been butchered.  I will have reconstruction as soon as possible. The thought of another surgery at this point is hard to think about. I have so much tightness and discomfort. I have been a basket case through all this and am usually a very positive person. I hope you can find a way to move on. Good luck to you.

Baywatcher, you have the right to grieve. Death has 7 levels of grief and you have had the death of control, your breast, your health, your self-image, your mental health, etc. You get the idea. Allow your body and mind to heal at the rate that YOU need. No one call tell you when it is time to "get over it." I hate that term anyway. Why, never mind how, are we supposed to get over it? I, too am flat and it's a reminder all day long of my cancer. I must admit, by being flat it is a constant reminder to those around me and I don't get those stupid "get over it" comments. It's obvious my body will NEVER get over it.

All that said, be gentle with yourself. You didn't have control of the diagnosis so you lost a bit of power and options. That's understandable in your frustration. But now you DO have control over your healing. I pray you begin to feel joy in the life around you. Maybe a new grandchild in your arms will give you peace (I know I'm waiting....)

Hi Maryoga

I'm so sorry to hear you're in that awful stage of the recovery right now. Be assured it will get better. Yes, the skin will form adhesions and be really tight at first. remember it's also swollen. The drains don't help either do they?!  As you've had auxillary lymph nodes removed there will be additional pain, but you must be careful not to overdo the exercises in case of damaging the stitches. At this stage healing is your priority.

I was told to take deep breaths when in hospital .. this was to prevent clotting ... and to get up and about as soon as possible, so I tried to walk regularly. I kept that up for a month. My doctor was very strict about not lifting my arm above my head or to the side until after 4 weeks or more. In hospital I was taught to gently clench my fist ten times, to twist my arm sideways from the elbow and to bend it to my shoulder from the elbow. And to wiggle my fingers! If you're home looking after yourself you are probably doing all that and more.  But finally just last week I've moved onto the advanced exercises and this is a great relief. I thought I'd never be able to lift my arm again, it was so tight.

 If you're like me you had stinging burning pain and sensitive skin, tightness of muscles and tendons plus numbness in and around the armpit. At 6 weeks out this is almost gone, so hang in there.

Pain relief? Take 2 paracetamol tablets every four hours if you need to and drink plenty of water. Don't let the pain build up. Get lots of sleep if you need it. I found forming a U shape with my pillows in bed was really helpful - one under my head and the other two under each arm. I learned to sleep on my back. A tiny soft cushion under your armpit is also a comfort. Consider a 'not too hot' wheat pack for your chest.

My stitches were of the 'invisible' dissolving type, not staples so I can't help you there. My drains came out by day 11. After about 2 weeks I  began gently rubbing this special scar oil into the wound, It's called Bio-Oil over here but you must have an equivalent. I have heard that rubbing moisturiser is recommended, also by my physio. It must help to stimulate circulation and to move the skin around a bit. ALSO, and I think this is really important .... get sunlight on the wound. Every morning before the sun gets too hot, I let it shine on my chest for about 15 minutes. It is soothing and known to promote healing. I am still reabsorbing lumpy areas but every day it does look and feel better and I know it will for you too. It looks horrible but eventually it will just be a flat scar.

I don't know if that has been much help really, but do talk to your doctor and physio about these issues. Sometimes it's so hard to get a solid answer out of them though, isn't it?

 Send me a message if I haven't been specific enough. Normal movement will return soon and you should gradually increase your stretches to the point of mild pain, but not quite yet OK?

Mucho hugs and best of luck

Geraldine 

Lursa5 - Welcome, but I'm so sorry about your  lumps and your friend's situation.  I will say that you have come to such a great place, however.  The support here is phenomenal, such caring and compassionate women!

Bay - I do think Barbe1958 said it well - I'll just echo her thoughts.  It is a grieving process.  We all go through it in our own good time.  I'm sending you warm hugs.

Susan