My pre-teen son told me I'm a horrible mother today

My son did something when he was younger, and I just leveled with him.  I told him that I didn't understand why he was acting that way, but that it wasn't good.  I asked him if he could help me understand it, and let me know what I could do to help.  He wasn't seeing a psychologist, so I just shared with him that there were doctors we could go to that could help.  Well, he didn't want to do that, so he really started talking to me.  In our case, it wasn't anything I would have guessed.  It was actually due to a cartoon he was watching at the time (Arthur the PBS cartoon).  It had a cartoon about how a girl was manipulating a boy.  So, of course, he was going to do whatever it took not to care about someone because they could make you do things you wouldn't otherwise want to do...He was about 8 at the time, but I really had no idea he was thinking about all this.  My point is, that we are guessing that it is your diagnosis, but it could actually be something totally unrelated.  Just have a frank, gentle discussion with your son.  Get his suggestions on what things could help him to be a happier child.

Here's some specific questions I would say.  Of course you need to have this conversation when all things are calm and you aren't angry.

Why are you breaking things?  I'd probably bring up a specific item, such as why did you break the _____?  From his answer, you may be able to grow on that.  He may say he doesn't know, and you can push a little more by saying something like, well, let's think about it some more, because it costs a lot of money when you break things.  Maybe there is something we can do to keep them from happening.  Do you think we should put away things until we can figure out what is causing you to break things?

Why do you think I am a horrible mother?  I try really hard to be a good mom, but maybe I'm doing the wrong things.  What things would you like me to do differently?

Maybe level with him about how you are feeling a little.  You know, so many things have changed recently with having to go to the doctors appts, and with your husband not living there, that it all seems like a lot is changing.

You know, maybe my son's example isn't so far fetched.  Maybe he is trying not to care about anything, since he was so worried about you dying, and now your husband is gone.
Dx 8/22/2008, IDC, 5cm, Stage IIIa, Grade 3, 2/7 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+

Oh, your last response reminds of something else I did when he was little.  We made an "angry box".  This is a box in his room that he could go to when he was angry.  There were things in there that he could go to when he felt those angry feelings.  For his box, we had a "magic feather" (your son may be too old for that, but), that he could rub on his face to help the angry go away (btw, this really is relaxing ), we also had some markers and paper so he could draw whatever, tear it up into pieces, etc.  We also had some soft balls he could throw, we had playdoh, etc.  He helped decide some things to go in the box.  It really helped him to know what to do when he felt these angry feelings - go to the box   I've heard of another idea to teach kids to think like a turtle when they feel angry.  Pull into their shell and wait for the angry feelings to subside.  I never tried that one, so can't really speak to its success.  I think the primary idea is not to say or touch anyone when you are angry.

You are not a horrible mother. You are a mother who is experciencing something horrible. My oncologist described my cancer cells as "angry" and I think that is an appropriate word, since anger has been felt by myself and family members. Anger for feeling helpless, anger driven by fear of the unknown, anger at the unfairness, etc.

I think your son is naturally experiencing anger towards many things in his life that he has no control of. This journey is a process and I am confident that you and your son will work through this tough time together.

You are both in my prayers for healing.

Cali - I don't know if this helps at all, but my son was 12 when I was diagnosed.  He never openly cried about it (he keeps his emotions bottled up and to himself).  We did see a social worker once as a family and he did meet with his school guidance counselor once a week.  Any way, although he never cried, his emotions were all over the place.  He got angry very easy and would shut himself off from everyone and did act out also throwing things and being mean to his younger brother.  I think it is two very important things . . .  1 you have cancer, and 2 they are hormonal going through puberty, and their bodies are changing.  I think the combination of both is very difficult for them.  BUT, the most important thing I wanted to share with you, is my son has been wonderful and back to his normal self since about October (once my hair started to grow back).   If finished my chemo in June and he was still horrible through the summer, but sometime around October something changed and he is no longer so angry and/or emotional and much easier to be around.  I hope for your sake that you will find the same thing and that your son will come around with time.  Personally, I think they push you away on purpose because they are afraid you might die and you are going to leave them so they don't want to love you.  Once they realize you are not going to die and that you are going to be OK then they feel it is OK to love you again.  That has just been my experience, but I hope it helps.

Take care.  It is such a stressful time and it stinks that kids are just kids and they don't care (or think) about the fact that they are adding to our stress.

 Hang in there.

Karen

Cali I just wanted to stop by and see how you are doing..........I think it is cute that you think your hair growing back may make things easier...........it will make things cooler..........and it will make you feel a little bit more normal but things are never going to be like they were before your cancer...........I am praying for you and both your sons...........my situation was very similar to yours except I had an 18 year old daughter that was a senior in high school and my youngest daughter was 12 and in the 7th grade when I was first dx..........and my youngest favorite teacher who was 10 years out from original dx was dx with bone mets about 9 months after my dx.........she had a very hard time with all of it.......there was too much breast cancer in her young life............just want you to know Cali you will get through this and so will your children...........you seem to have a good attitude even though you have had a hard time concerning your ex husband..........I was divorced from my daughter's dad for 5 months when I discovered my lump (my ex's girlfriend called my in the middle of the night to inform me of their relationship)so I do know where you are coming from............you are going to need a lot of rest during radiation.........the fatigue is going to be overwhelming.........try and get as much house work done before you start........declutter if you can...........not sure why but it will make it easier............teach your oldest how to do his laundry if he is not already doing it because he is going to need to do it at school anyway.........ok good luck........it you need to talk I am always around.........Shokk

Cali things are OK........when I was first dx my BC Surgeon told me that one day I would wake up and go 5 minutes without thinking about bc and then a few months later I would wake up and go 10 minutes without thinking about bc.........and he was right.......at the time I thought he was out of his mind but it has happen..........but I never go all day without thinking about it.........any kind of pain.....a headache.........there is always the what if question...........but all in all life is good........my children are now 21 and 16.........I was afraid I would never get to see my 16 year old become an adult and  God willing I will get to see her become an adult......my 21 year old went away to college when I was undergoing radiation to WI and we live in Texas......that was hard......when she was a senior and I was dx she went with me to all my chemo treatments........the school gave her a hard time about missing but in 4 years of high school she had only missed 4 days of school.........she told them if they gave her lOC (loss of credit) she would take it up with the local news channel........the school gave her their blessing........and besides what she learned at chemo treatment completely gave her life lessons she was never going to learn in school......she had a friend that was always emo........one day he told her that life was not worth living.......she laid into him about watching people pump posion into their bodies trying to live and then she got him in her car and took him down to the hospital to the cancer ward........got to give her credit.........she is now home and as hard as it was to send her off to college while I was still undergoing treatment is nothing as hard as it is having an adult child come back home to live.........holy smoke this has been hard............if she goes out she will say not sure if I will be home tonight.........dang I hate that........but there are still rules.........no boys in the house at all........still have a 16 year old at home.......rules are rules.........no drugs except for mine.........no smoking in the house.........and everyone clean up after themselves......but she has a good job........is continuing her education and all in all is a good kid..........anyway we will talk more.......oh and by the way good for you for spanking your youngest.........he is responsible for his stuff........if he can't find it doesn't give him the right to destroy YOUR home..........period.......Shokk

Hi there Stacy

I hope you are on good track working on your son feelings, as well as your own. 

I am going through chemo and I have a 9 yr old daughter that has been quite miserable since my second dx.  She has always been an anxious child and my dx triggered her anxiety to the extreame.  So it has been quite a task working on that, she has cried a lot, been angry and frustrated and scared for the last months.  I have to admit that it has been difficult dealing with that as well as surgery, chemo and everything that goes along with that.  I thank God that I have been lucky with side effects from the Chemo, I simply don´t know how it would have been otherwise.

I don´t really have the answeres for you, but what has helped us the most is talking openly about the situation, my bc and her feelings.  I need to read for her every evening so I can overtake her bad feelings/thoughts so she can sleep.  We also try to talk about her feelings before bedtime and that has turned out to be very interesting conversations.  Just 2 nights ago she told me that she didn´t want my chemo to end, because then I would die.  Turns out that some child told her about an aunt that had died after chemo.  Our children are told a lot of things at school by their schoolmates, it could be a good idea to ask the teacher to talk to the classmates about beeing more sensitive towards your son and explain to them what the two of you are going through.  A friend of mine told me that the schoolmates of her son used to teese him because his mother was bald. 

I have just received a book that I ordered from Amazon.com.  I think it will be a very helpful tool for me and my doughter.  You can take a look at it if you want at: http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Anxious-Child-Step-Step/dp/1572245751

Wishing you all the best!

Idun

Caligirlof 68

A few thoughts. There is one theory that teens intentionally distance themselves in preparation of separating from their parents.  It makes it easier.  Your son's behavior may be an attempt at emotional safety. 

I would talk with his therapist and ask to see the goals, perhaps add  building good communication between the two of you as a goal of therapy.

Also I would not wait for an explanation from your son about why he lost recess.  I would go up to the school.  Loosing recess is not a good punishment for kids, this is well documented.  If there is a social worker at the school you will have no trouble rallying their support on this.