Enduring

Swimangel172 - sorry you're feeling so down but you have that right.  Please just come to these boards often as there is much support here for you.  Vent as much and as often as you wish.  We will read every word and try to offer any support we can.  Visit the 'Spirituality' board to help boost your faith and the 'Humor' board to lighten your mood.

Hugs.

Be blessed, Phyllis

Dear Swim - You couldn't possibly find enough to do to take your mind off all that you've got coming up!!!  My goodness!  It is a never-ending nightmare of operations and ORs! 

 I know that you'll soldier through, but would this be the time to speak to someone about your very real, very overwhelming concerns?  Do you have access to a therapist who specializes in cancer support? I don't have half the worry you do, but I am so grateful that I found a wonderful person to validate, and help me work through, my fears for the future.

 You owe it to yourself, but you also owe it to those you care about, to get some relief!  Think of all those whose lives you touch - unless you're surrounded by a bunch of fence posts, those around you are being affected by your depression.

Talking to a professional won't change the reality of your future, but it would help you to change the way you are responding to the future.

I have read your previous posts and I'm so sad to hear of your physical and emotional pain.  I've done the gallbladder op - it's got such a long name - and I have to say, it was one of the best things I've done for myself!  What a relief!  Are you having gb attacks?

And, the colonoscopy, is mostly a pain in the butt, but doable.  I ask to be put out completely and they use a pediatric scope - I'll be doing my third one next month.  But, in the scope of things, it is a mild procedure.

Hope you get back in the swim soon.  ((((Hugs!))))

Susan

Dear Swimangel, 

You are going to be fine.  Take it a day, a moment, at a time. You have made it through everything you have endured for good reason and you are contributing something unique to the world.  We need your contribution! 

Your problems and concerns are serious too. You will make it through this!

BTW, I had a colonoscopy last year and it was just NOT A BIG Deal.  After all you've been through, piece of cake.

Ina

Hi Swim,

I've got another month before I can hit the pool again. Maybe once you start swimming again, things will improve. I feel much better when I'm "in the swim." 

Anyway, I'm thinking of you, keeping my fingers crossed that all your procedures pass uneventfully. (I've got a colonoscopy coming up this summer. Oh joy!)

Janet 

Swimangel,

I do feel your pain. It is like living a lie, at least to me. Everyone seems to think I am fine, but they do not know the dark thoughts I have daily. I am disappointed and angry at those who I thought would support me, but didn't. No, it is not alright to ignore me and act like this is MY fault! And I'm tired of being 'an embarrassment to others'. If all they think about is outside appearances, then they need to be out of my life! Which is my dilemma at the moment. I need to get my DS in college and settled, then get my Dad settled before I can move on to do what needs to be done. I have been thinking about this for awhile and I am just tired of living this lie. I am not upset that I have BC or that my mom died, I am just tired of the people who are pretending to be there for me. Life is too short to deal with these type of people and let them take up space in my life!

D

Hi! I was wondering if you are on Tamoxifen. Do you think it has effected you? I do not know if that is why I get these dark thoughts, practically suicidal. The SE of Tamox have been livable:joint pain, hot flashes, night sweats. I think these mood swings are hormonal. No period since November, started Tamox in Jan. I wish I could handle this better. I was given Effexor, took one pill and thought I was going to die! Nausea, heart palpitations, nervousness, insomnia, inability to concentrate....That was after one pill! I could not bring myself to take it again. I have heard bad things about trying to get off of it. I am looking forward to the HOPE retreat in 2 weeks. I pray it helps me get closure!

D

barbe,

I understand how you feel, hanging on second by second, minute by minute. I like how you said your soul has not healed. That is an excellent description. It feels broken. I feel like everyday I need to find something to live for. Some days it is harder than others! i also feel like a fake, people just see me smile and assume I am Ok. How can I tell them how I feel?!?! They will not understand. I guess I need to talk to someone....

D

I found this on another forum, about positive thinking, it was an ask the experts from 2004:

http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/understand_bc/fears/ask_expert/2002_06/question_13.jsp

Here's the thread:

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/5/topic/703925?page=10#post_1312157 

Here's the social worker's take on needing to stay positive:

Can you cause your cancer to come back just by being afraid that it will?

Answer:

Rosalind Kleban:

I am glad that this question was raised, because I'm sure that is on the mind of the majority of people. It is a very popular notion in our culture today that if you have a positive attitude you can get rid of your cancer, or that you never get it or that it doesn't return. If you think about it, that notion is truly an oxymoron. An oxymoron means two things that don't go together-like "jumbo shrimp." The reason I call it that is to think about telling somebody what is the worst news of his or her lifetime and then ask them to be positive just doesn't make sense. Having bad feelings and down days is neither good nor bad-it's just normal. The only people we ask to have a positive attitude at all times are people who have had cancer. I can be miserable all day long and nobody is going to reprimand me about being positive. You only 'have' to be positive if you have cancer.

Having that philosophy or notion or belief is like living in tyranny. What it does to you as a patient is that on days that you are down or depressed or sad or anxious or worried-which is normal-you will feel even worse because you have accepted the notion that those are bad feelings. You need to work hard to get rid of that notion. It is not fair. It is putting a burden on the patient, while it serves many good purposes for the people who are saying it. If you are going to be happy and positive all of the time, then I don't have to worry about you. It also leads me to believe that if I am positive I will be fine. The philosophy serves everyone except the patient.

You need to know that people will tell you that you need to be positive. You need to be prepared in how to handle that comment coming at you, and that is something that you want to do in a way that is comfortable for you. What I think works is that when someone tells you to be positive, suggest they walk in your shoes first. And inform them that when people speak to you that way, it's really not helpful. You need to protect yourself as much as possible from that theory because it is burdensome and hurtful. A bad attitude will cause only one thing and that is a bad day. The best reason for having a good attitude is that on that day you will enjoy yourself. But neither the good nor the bad attitude will affect the illness. It will affect the quality of the day that you are having.

Your fear is just the natural outcome of having this diagnosis. It will not cause the cancer to come back. I work with a thousand women a year and I have never met one that doesn't suffer from fear, either enormous or very enormous. It's normal. Not bad, just normal. It will have no impact on the course of the cancer.

I'm approaching my anniversary date, and nearly a year later the bc and LE have impacted my ability to work, my stamina, my outlook, and I get upset with myself that "I'm stuck". And that I'm not being positive. 

I found that thread helpful. Beating myself up about my fears and anxiety only adds insult to injury.

Kira 

Kira,

Thanks for the post. I am glad that i do not have to be positive everyday. How can we get this across to those we deal with daily? I am tired of putting on my 'happy face' bcs I realyy don't want to. When is your anniversary date? Mine is April 22. I feel like I need to do something for ME that day....

D

We just had a shower for my daughter on Friday as that was the only day we'd all be off and I gave her 4 sexy lingerie pieces and told her that the next shower better be a baby shower!

Broken spirit! That's it. That is it exactly! I have been trying so hard for so long I'm getting scared.

Swimangel, I hope you are feeling better soon.  My heart goes out to you, as you certainly have a lot on your plate.  Glad your fighting Irish is out and about!  I think if you have the energy to get mad, that is a good sign.  

I recently completed a meditation class and currently taking an art therapy class.  Both have been very helpful.  I also attend a local monthly BC support group.  I visit this site and the photo forum daily for support from my BC sisters.  Even if I don't post, the women here help me feel sane.

I can totally relate to the fluctuations in mood from day to day.  Thank you, Kira, for posting that social worker's comment on positive thinking.  That just took a weight off my shoulders.  What a different way to frame my negative feelings.  Sometimes I think the guilt about still feeling negative at times is worse than the actual feeling itself.  

I just had my one-year anniversary on Apr. 9.  I had been anticipating the date and knew it would be while I was away on vacation.  The day arrived and I forgot all about it.  We happened to be in the car driving to the next place we were staying.  I was having trouble with my back, swelling on my side, my new boobs bothering me, and feeling crappy in general.  My husband wanted to listen to a Beach Boys cd, and I cried through the whole thing!!  Whoever cries to the Beach Boys??!!  (maybe if you don't like them!!)  There I was feeling terrible, and this music that reminded me of my carefree youth was blasting.  And I thought, I will never feel that way again.  I just decided to let myself have a good cry.  I told my husband that I didn't know why I was having such a moment, but I was and that I was just going to go with it, trusting that my mind and body needed to do it.  It didn't occur to me until today that I had missed my one-year anniversary.  I got up and looked at the calendar and realized it was the day in the car with the crying jag . . . 

There are days I feel great and positive, followed by days of irritability, sadness and anxiety.  For me, this is the new normal.  Unfortunately, I don't think this approaches the definition of normal one bit!  

Tina 

P.S. -- On a "bad" day I hate the expression "new normal" and the whole pink ribbon thing.  I don't want my experience reduced to handy expressions and lapel pins.  Catch me on a "good" day and I am so grateful that I don't have to walk this path alone.