What did your loved one do/leave behind?
Comments
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I was with my grandma when she died. We talked before hand. She told me I looked nice (just came from work). I asked her how she felt, she said "like shit'. Eventually she fell asleep. During that time My mom and I just sat and talked. My Granny broke out in a sweat and passed. It was so peacefull.
I felt that with family there, she could let go. It was a gift for me. It wasn't bad, and I feel blessed to be there.
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Oh, thank you, Janis. That's the way I want to go. How appropriate that the last word she spoke was "shit." I love it! She sounds like a feisty lady.
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thanx janis---I need to hear more stories like yours (I did not mean to imply that they don't happen)
analemma----you make me lol no matter the forum or the topic!
HUGS
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My mom worked is a hospice ward in a hospital for 6 or 7 years before she died there. She used to tell us that people would die when someone finally left the room and my mom would have to catch them at the elevator to tell them! When my parents were dying, we told them they could go. We "gave them permission to die" and told them we'd be okay. Both were in comas near the end but we talked like that knowing they could hear us.
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We were all with my mother for at least a week or more before she died. The one night I went back to my own home (I had a 5 month old that needed some attention), was the night she died. I think the hospice nurse was the only one actually in the room with her. I agree that there seems to be a period that patient waits for...a quiet solitude...that seems right for them to pass.
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Tomorrow marks 6 years since my dear Husband died in trauma ICU of Lung Cancer. Hooked to all kinds of tubes and a full face oxygen mask. He was unable to talk, but he wrote on a tablet on a clip board and I cherish those pieces of paper - his "last words", so to speak.
As the spouse left behind, I can only say to let the little things go. Surround yourself with what is pretty, good, peaceful, eat whatever you want, visit those places you always wanted to, and take lots of pictures. Even though my husband did not look like he did when we first married, those pictures bring back bitter sweet memories of the time he was with me. We had 33 years together and I can share the pictures with our son and his wife. Our son was there at the end, but lived over a thousand miles away.
We had a simple one time viewing to say good bye, then he was cremated. First we put his ashes in the church memorial garden, but eventually moved them to Arlington National Cemetery. He served in the Army during WWII (he was 23 years older than me) and often said that started his career and made the biggest impact on his life.
My father died 12 years ago, also in a hospital setting and his ashes were buried at sea, per his wishes. There is no marker or grave site to visit, which often makes me sad when I want to "talk" to him. I am the oldest, and Daddy and I were buddies to the end.
My husband began a journal for our son, but never finished it. I think the thoughts of him not being around to see him marry, to see grandchildren, etc were too depressing and he could not finish the journal. We took several videos of us all together and they speak volumes of his love for us and how lucky we were to have the time together.
Please ask anything that is on your minds. I am blessed to have had the years with my husband, I miss him, but I no longer suffer the overwhelming grief and sadness that came with the first months after he died. Tomorrow I plan to go over and pick rose petals one at a time, " I miss you, I love you" instead of "he loves me, he loves me not".
Hugs, Blessings, and LOVE, Nancy
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Ladies, thanks for hugs and kind words. About waiting to die until everyone is gone, maybe that is what my mother did. My brother and his wife were visiting her a couple of hours before she died - she would moan in response to everything they told her but when they said "We'll see you tomorrow" several times she didn't respond.
mom2two -
I'm sorry about the pain you experienced because of your dad. You're doing the right thing with your kids. That is the one most important thing - to make sure your loved ones know how much they mean to you before you die. I think everyone should take the attitude that they could easily die within the next few minutes so as not to forget how important this is.
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I was raised in a house that said "Children are to be seen and not heard". A couple times at the very tense dinner table, one or two of us kids couldn't stop giggling. I remember being taken to a bedroom and being whipped with my dad's belt for laughing! My mother used a paddle that said "Board of Education" on it. Wow, those were the days!
When my dad was dying I was torn whether or not to ask him if he sexually abused me. I don't know for sure and because of my not knowing, a pyschiatrist told me I might as well have been. I never did ask him because if it was confirmed that he had, then I would "hate" him again. If it was confirmed that he hadn't (and who was I to believe him?) then I had wasted many years "hating" him.
Whenever I was beaten (once the Christmas tree wouldn't stand straight) I would be kept from school and my mom would take me out to buy me something. I had to pick something I wanted, crying all the while. It was their way to say sorry, I guess.
Years ago, when my brothers (2) and sister and I were talking, they told me they felt guilty that I was the only one beaten. I said why? (thinking it was because they didn't help me) and they said it was because they were glad it was me and not them!
Oh, so complicated life is!!!
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I have my mother's old family Bible, that has the births and deaths from the early 1800's. I also, after her death, got the old cedar chest that she had, not knowing that in the bottom there was a bundle of love letters from my Dad. They got married secretly and lived apart for a year because back then a woman couldn't be a school teacher if she was married. I also have my mother's silverware.
Here's the thing. I have all boys, and none of them are very interested in this stuff. I'd like for it to go to my granddaughters, but they're all under eight right now and I don't know who would want what. So, do I leave everything to be sorted out later when they are older and can choose, or do I pick for them now knowing that I might choose poorly.
I also want my jewelry to go to them, same problem. Nothing has much value, it would be sentimental. I have one unmarried son and I have thought of leaving my engagement ring to him for a future bride, but I'm kind of leaning toward giving that to a granddaughter, too. I have great DIL's but I don't know if they would want this stuff for themselves.
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You might be surprised to find out your daughter-in-laws would love a piece of your jewelry. In any event, they are obviously the mothers of your grand daughters so maybe split up the jewelry between them to be passed on to their daughters someday. I would also give your unmarried son a piece for his "someday" bride or give him the chest as a gift from you to her. I do believe most women are sentimental and would be happy to some something of yours.
Carol
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If you write a note with each piece of jewelry, maybe a picture of when you were wearing it or tell in the note who gave it to you, - the "history" of the item. The craft store (Michaels is the one here) has mesh type of bags, usually in the bridal section, that you can put the note and piece of jewelry in.
My DIL carried a handkerchief from her Grandma when she got married, as "something old".
At several funerals I have attended, there has been a picture board. No one thought it was gruesome and it gave people a chance to share events, memories, happy times with the family of the deceased. We had one when my husband died and I enjoyed (if one can use that word) hearing stories from his friends and co workers. It also eased the awkwardness of people who did not know ME, but had known my husband thru work.
Hugs, Nancy
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I read in Dear Abby years ago what to "say" at a funeral. The advice was to relate a heart-warming, hopefully funny, story about the deceased to their spouse. It has been amazing over the years to hear the bereaved laugh out loud at a story I relate and I know the advice was well said. I read that at least 30 years ago and have never forgotten....
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My daughter may be reading yours at my ceremony...hope you remember something funny.... Saint and Koshka get the convertible story.
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My husband is sitting here next to me and I am writing for him from his experience. His mother died of breast cancer at the age of 27 when he was 5 years old. He wishes she had left tape (dvd now). He would like to know her memories, how she feels, how she felt about him.
The arrangements that she had made for him did not work out. No one spoke of her and photographs disappeared, too painful they told him. He doesn't wish for things, he wishes for a connection to her. In her words, that no one could interfere with.
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Sorry but I am posting now from my own perspective. When my Grandmother passed away, I got little knick knacks that didn't mean a thing to me. The things I got from her, things I treasure, were things that impacted who I am, things she taught me and memories we shared.
My mother is going through her house now, labeling things so we know who gets what. She is even buying things so there is an equal distribution. She doesn't get that I don't want "things". It is the memories and experiences that you have shared during the time you have together.
If you get someones things after they have passed, you feel like you have to keep them forever. The greatest gifts can't be seen but are felt, forever.
When my father was dying, we brought in Irish CD's because he loved Irish music. We played it softly in his room, in case he could hear. We stayed with him, prayed over him with a priest, and hung his picture on the wall. We wanted the staff to see him as a person, who the man in the bed was before the tubes and life support.
If there is anything that you need, please don't hesitate to ask. God Bless you, Saint.
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Thank you Diane. The post from your DH was wonderful. It confirms that my 'letters' to them and my scrapbooks will be gift they will cherish. I hope that I am around for a long time and they will have wonderful memories of me, if not, they will have this.
Thank you for posting.
I agree on the 'stuff' post, my mother wanted to do this. I don't want her 'stuff' At this point I got my own stuff to think about. She worries about it. It is important to her. She feels it is her legacy. My legacy will be my scrapbooks.
I have a pair of raggied ann/andy dolls that my gramma made. Those I cherish. I have a few pieces of my paternal grandparends from their homeland where they imigrated from. Pictures. That is all I need.
I don't think that boys want a lot of 'stuff'. I think I will get two boxes and fill them up with stuff from when they were babies, pictures they drew, and maybe something special from me. Extra pictures, and the letter journal from me. Dianne, could you ask your DH is that is something he would have liked? I hesitate on video...but could do that to!
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Fitztwins
I have just asked my husband and its funny, he told me a story that I had never heard before. By my asking him your question, it triggered an old memory for him. He said his mother used to have a stuffed cat, and after she died he held on to that cat for the longest time, until there was nothing left of it. She didn't leave it for him, it was just left behind.
He said anything that was important to her, that showed she cared about him, would have been nice to have. He is opening up now so I am writing as he talks. He wants to know who she was, what she liked, did she like ice cream, am I like her? Did she like me, was I a pain in the a@#?
His mother passed 41 years ago and those feelings don't go away.
I pray that you beat this and live to be a pain in the butt to your great-grandchildren. I know just from your postings that you are doing right by your children. The scrapbook is a fantastic idea. It will not only show your children the memories you are sharing with them but the love you have for them by taking the time to do it for them.
I know you hesitate on the video but do you have old videos that you could put together so they can remember the sound of your voice, your laughter and see how you move? Again, I pray that you will not need it but I know that is something that my husband wishes he had. He has no idea who is mother was or if she loved him.
Don't hesitate if you need to know anything else.
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I love what is happening here!
My dh insists that we are all different & there is no way to know what will be right for those we leave behind, but I THINK we know our own kids well enough NOT to make too big an error in that dept. After all, WE raised them!
The bottom line for "things" is: if it was important to someone & they chose ME to have it, then I appreciate it as a vehicle to touch the past & revive memories-those are what we really crave!
HUGS ALL
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Dream---Blahahahahaha!!! THAT story would make ANYONE spit their coffee at the funeral luncheon!!!!
You & Kosh get the same one for me!
HUGS
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Just last week, for her belated birthday, I gave my soon-to-be (August) daughter-in-law (whew!) my sewing machine that I used to make some of my award winning (best of show!) wall hangings on. I had read something about her wanting one, in a list she had posted on Facebook of things she wanted to do someday. She was pleased, but my son was VERY moved, almost to tears. He said, Mom, that should have been the wedding gift! I'm so happy that he "got it" and hope one day she realizes just how much a part of me that is.
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For friends: My best friend, Kathy, (a platonic friend) died last Dec of pancreatic cancer at age 60. I told Kathy from her terminal diagnosis, 10 months earlier, I didn't want anything from her estate. I took Kathy to about 70% of her about 100 medical appointments, and visited her almost daily the 3 weeks she was in hospice. I visited 2 hours after her death, and they had already removed her body.
Kathy never wanted to talk about anything even vaguely concerning her illness, or that she wouldn't be able to do some of the things she had planned to do in life. I did try to give her many openings, but she just did not want to go there. I wanted to respect her wishes.
I know from the obit that the family wanted a private interment. Of course, I wanted to respect that.
Several weeks after the funeral, the executrix called so I could pick up some of my items I had left at Kathy's house. I asked her if I could ask her a question. She assumed I was asking if Kathy had left anything to me, and she said no, Kathy hadn't left me anything.
That was not my question: I had only wanted to know how Kathy had chosen to have her remains handled, so I could 'visit' her. Kathy chose very differently than the theoretical discussions we had before her diagnosis. I don't mind that Kathy changed her mind, I just would have wished it had been easier to know where I could 'visit' her in 'private', after her interment. I didn't know if she had wanted her ashes scattered at sea, at the local cemetary, or where ever.
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It looks to have been awhile since anyone has posted here but I came across this discussion today as I am struggling with the issue of family heirlooms after the passing of my mother.
My mother passed in the fall of 2007 after a year and a half battle with breast cancer, at the time she was only 53 and I was 35. She was an amazing woman and I was blessed to have her as my mother. The things that mean the most are things that no one can ever take from me, the years of memories and the times that we spent together before she passed.
When she knew that she was terminal, she did begin putting things together as best as she could into boxes with our names (mine, her sister & brother, her mother). It was the things that would be ours when she was gone. There are lovely mementos, some pieces of jewelry, a family history book and the like. But there are many items that had come down from my Grandma and Great Aunt that I will not be able to pass down to my family.
She and my step-father had already had wills in place, beneficiaries and the like on accounts but there were a lot of family heirloom items in the house that because of size or storage reasons were not given to me or family members. They had been married for almost 24 years. I am her only child and I consider him to be my dad.
My dad was well aware of her wishes, on more than one occasion she would talk about the things and let us know where everything was. These were heirlooms of not any great monetary value that came from my family. Grief has turned my dad into someone I don't recognize and in that process he has decided to against my mother's wishes for those items and has made me feel like I'm the enemy. I haven't approached him being aggressive or even inquiring about items, his contact with now is random and consists of statements about everything in the house being his and talks of how he has consulted an attorney, etc. to the point of asking me to return items that she gave me before she passed because they are "his". Items that were my Grandmothers and have no meaning to him. I don't know where it is coming from.
It pains me to even think of this subject because no one expects for this to happen, but grief causes people to react in strange ways that can be very contrary to the people they were before the loss. I know it is something that must be incredibly hard to do when you are the one faced with the potential life end, but I would just urge everyone to make sure that their wishes and specific items are documented as part of the will. I know my mother would be saddened to think that some of these family items I will most likely never have to pass along to my children. I cherish what I do have and the memory and stories of my mother like nothing else in the world so I do have those to pass down.
I would just encourage anyone that has to be in this position to take the time to be specific, even if you don't think it is necessary make sure that items you want specific family members to have are in writing.
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Oh, dear...This one is hard for me...With my mother, I wish she had left me with someone besides my oldest sister......i wish I had not been so young I could not decide for my self...I was only 8.......I think I would have done better emotionally if she and my older siblings had let me in on what was going on......I never knew my mom was that sick til seh could no longer speak to me......My mother made a will but never had it probated......So my oldest sister took charge and took most of my mother's belongings that should haev gone to other people......My sister did give me our mother's candy dish when I left home.......I was sitting on the foot of the bed when she passed.....She smiled and went to sleep and that was that........
And for my sister who pased this past March,I was at the foot of her bed when she passed too.....She never woke up though the day before seh did open her eyes when i spoke to her... I wish she had left me something that was personally hers.....Come to think of it, she did........She gave me a dozen sets of salt and pepper shakers because she knew I collected them......I stopped after she died......I lost all interest.....Maybe I am doing her a disservice by quitting my collection......At her funeral no on esaid anything like I usually see at funerals...It was strange....I have lost 2 sisters and a brother in the span of 4 years since 2005......I had not seen one sister and one brother in years.......I hadn't seen my brother in 30 years.......i spoke to him often on the phone and we did get to say good bye.......he didn't want me to be at his funeral.....he didn't want me to remember him that way..........So to me he was still a young man and not an emaciated 64 yr old who was 6'6" and 120 lbs.......
I guess what I want to leave my daughter is a sense of self and to know that I love her.....I am going to try to have my funeralpaid up because it cost my niece $15,000 to bury her mother......I don't want to bankrupt my family just to stick me in the ground........I am going to start a will and sooner or later have it probated.....I will have a list of who gets what and when.....Everything I have will be left to my daughter and 3 of my sisters........
I am so glad this thread was started......it actually has helped me......
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Oh dear, it sounds like he would rather have things than people. Things cant hurt him any more. If your mother gave you heirlooms before her death, it is a gift and therefore legally you do not have to return. I would simply leave him alone with his anger for a while. He will settle down. As for the items he wont turn over, the law is on his side, you have no proof and he has possession.
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It amazes me the hurt grief can bring, not just to the survivors, but the hurt THEY in turn can inflict. It seems more prevalent than it used to be, but maybe it's just that ppl are more honest & more willing to share the truth of their families--no matter how ugly.
When my mother died it caused a rift in my family that may never heal. When I talked to my pastor about it I said, "THIS is what they always feared would happen & constantly warned us against!" He then asked me why I thought they had talked about such a thing happening & in that talk I saw clearly what I never had my whole life, but he did in an instant: they KNEW what would happen cuz they knew all of us & had raised us (& basically created the dynamic that would cause it to happen to us--almost a self-fulfilling prophesy!!) I have peace with it thanks to that man!
I think dream is right-you need to let him heal & then, if you want, slowly approach him with no other agenda than to let him know you want HIM in your life. Meanwhile keep in mind that those sentimental items are just things--could be burned to ash in a fire & gone as easlly from your childrens' legacy........NO ONE can destroy your memories----share THOSE with your kids. My folk's stories are ALWAYS with me (even if I don't hang some ugly neclace around my neck & keep it in a drawer.)
HUGS--be well & stay strong
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This is a very difficult question to ask, you are a brave woman, not only to fight the disease of B/C but also ask these difficult questions.
My mother who is Palliative with B/C is a marvelous quilter. She had my siblings and myself divide all her pieces between us. As we showed her what we had selected she had a story about each piece.
She also made us select what we wanted of hers, she discussed the will with us,and most importantly she began to tell us all that she loved us, something she had never done before.
I realize now how much I will miss her when she is gone.
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It always amazes me what happens with a parent dies and siblings fight over things. I guess to me, none of that stuff is important.
My boys are little. I am leaving them my scrapbooks and journals and TONS of pictures. As to passing things down, just not my style. But there are a few items, if they ever get married or have an significant other, maybe they might want it? I dunno.
Good thoughts.
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I lost my sweet mother August 4, 2009. We tried to plan for everything and do everything when we got the bad news July 1, 2009. She was still feeling pretty good so we planned a day trip with the family. We did a video for my two small children. We lived with her for about a month before she passed, so every moment was spent making memories. Yet there are still things I wish we would have done. I wish we would have done things before we got the really bad news. I tried writing a journal of things from her past but by this time she was too weak and shaky to write herself. I did find where she wrote some things a few years ago to me and those are so precious. I wish we would have had professional pictures done. I found a local photographer that does terminally ill patients and their families for free, of course I didn't find it until after the fact. But these are the things worth looking into. We did a lot of pictures and she got to talk to everyone. I slept with her until she got her hospital bed. I got to soak in my mother and that was wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for the world. We didn't get all the paper work done but we got the heart stuff taken care of and that is what really matters. I miss her terribly but at least I have pictures and videos and most of all memories.
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