What did your loved one do/leave behind?

Oh, thank you, Janis.  That's the way I want to go.  How appropriate that the last word she spoke was "shit."   I love it!  She sounds like a feisty lady.

My mom worked is a hospice ward in a hospital for 6 or 7 years before she died there. She used to tell us that people would die when someone finally left the room and my mom would have to catch them at the elevator to tell them! When my parents were dying, we told them they could go. We "gave them permission to die" and told them we'd be okay. Both were in comas near the end but we talked like that knowing they could hear us. 

Tomorrow marks 6 years since my dear Husband died in trauma ICU of Lung Cancer.   Hooked to all kinds of tubes and a full face oxygen mask.  He was unable to talk, but he wrote on a tablet on a clip board and I cherish those pieces of paper - his "last words", so to speak.   

As the spouse left behind, I can only say to let the little things go.  Surround yourself with what is pretty, good, peaceful, eat whatever you want, visit those places you always wanted to, and take lots of pictures.  Even though my husband did not look like he did when we first married, those pictures bring back bitter sweet memories of the time he was with me.  We had 33 years together and I can share the pictures with our son and his wife.   Our son was there at the end, but lived over a thousand miles away.  

We had a simple one time viewing to say good bye, then he was cremated.  First we put his ashes in the church memorial garden, but eventually moved them to Arlington National Cemetery.  He served in the Army during WWII (he was 23 years older than me) and often said that started his career and made the biggest impact on his life.  

My father died 12 years ago, also in a hospital setting and his ashes were buried at sea, per his wishes.  There is no marker or grave site to visit, which often makes me sad when I want to "talk" to him.  I am the oldest, and Daddy and I were buddies to the end.  

My husband began a journal for our son, but never finished it.  I think the thoughts of him not being around to see him marry, to see grandchildren, etc were too depressing and he could not finish the journal.   We took several videos of us all together and they speak volumes of his love for us and how lucky we were to have the time together.  

Please ask anything that is on your minds.   I am blessed to have had the years with my husband, I miss him, but I no longer suffer the overwhelming grief and sadness that came with the first months after he died.    Tomorrow I plan to go over and pick rose petals one at a time,      " I miss you, I love you" instead of "he loves me, he loves me not".   

Hugs, Blessings, and LOVE,   Nancy 

Ladies, thanks for hugs and kind words.  About waiting to die until everyone is gone, maybe that is what my mother did.  My brother and his wife were visiting her a couple of hours before she died - she would moan in response to everything they told her but when they said "We'll see you tomorrow" several times she didn't respond.

mom2two -

I'm sorry about the pain you experienced because of your dad.  You're doing the right thing with your kids.  That is the one most important thing - to make sure your loved ones know how much they mean to you before you die.  I think everyone should take the attitude that they could easily die within the next few minutes so as not to forget how important this is.

I have my mother's old family Bible, that has the births and deaths from the early 1800's.  I also, after her death, got the old cedar chest that she had, not knowing that in the bottom there was a bundle of love letters from my Dad.  They got married secretly and lived apart for a year because back then a woman couldn't be a school teacher if she was married.  I also have my mother's silverware.

Here's the thing.  I have all boys, and none of them are very interested in this stuff.  I'd like for it to go to my granddaughters, but they're all under eight right now and I don't know who would want what.  So, do I leave everything to be sorted out later when they are older and can choose, or do I pick for them now knowing that I might choose poorly.

I also want my jewelry to go to them, same problem.  Nothing has much value, it would be sentimental.  I have one unmarried son and I have thought of leaving my engagement ring to him for a future bride, but I'm kind of leaning toward giving that to a granddaughter, too.  I have great DIL's but I don't know if they would want this stuff for themselves.

If you write a note with each piece of jewelry, maybe a picture of when you were wearing it or tell in the note who gave it to you, - the "history" of the item.  The craft store (Michaels is the one here) has mesh type of bags, usually in the bridal section, that you can put the note and piece of jewelry in.  

My DIL carried a handkerchief from her Grandma when she got married, as "something old".  

At several funerals I have attended, there has been a picture board.  No one thought it was gruesome and it gave people a chance to share events, memories, happy times with the family of the deceased.   We had one when my husband died and I enjoyed (if one can use that word) hearing stories from his friends and co workers.   It also eased the awkwardness of people who did not know ME, but had known my husband thru work.  

Hugs,  Nancy 

My daughter may be reading yours at my ceremony...hope you remember something funny.... Saint and Koshka get the convertible story.

Sorry but I am posting now from my own perspective.  When my Grandmother passed away, I got little knick knacks that didn't mean a thing to me.  The things I got from her, things I treasure, were things that impacted who I am, things she taught me and memories we shared. 

My mother is going through her house now, labeling things so we know who gets what.  She is even buying things so there is an equal distribution.  She doesn't get that I don't want "things".  It is the memories and experiences that you have shared during the time you have together. 

If you get someones things after they have passed, you feel like you have to keep them forever.  The greatest gifts can't be seen but are felt, forever.

When my father was dying, we brought in Irish CD's because he loved Irish music.  We played it softly in his room, in case he could hear.  We stayed with him, prayed over him with a priest, and hung his picture on the wall.  We wanted the staff to see him as a person, who the man in the bed was before the tubes and life support.

If there is anything that you need, please don't hesitate to ask.  God Bless you, Saint. 

Fitztwins

I have just asked my husband and its funny, he told me a story that I had never heard before.  By my asking him your question, it triggered an old memory for him.  He said his mother used to have a stuffed cat, and after she died he held on to that cat for the longest time, until there was nothing left of it.  She didn't leave it for him, it was just left behind. 

He said anything that was important to her, that showed she cared about him, would have been nice to have.  He is opening up now so I am writing as he talks.  He wants to know who she was, what she liked, did she like ice cream, am I like her?  Did she like me, was I a pain in the a@#? 

His mother passed 41 years ago and those feelings don't go away.

I pray that you beat this and live to be a pain in the butt to your great-grandchildren.  I know just from your postings that you are doing right by your children.  The scrapbook is a fantastic idea.  It will not only show your children the memories you are sharing with them but the love you have for them by taking the time to do it for them. 

I know you hesitate on the video but do you have old videos that you could put together so they can remember the sound of your voice, your laughter and see how you move?  Again, I pray that you will not need it but I know that is something that my husband wishes he had.  He has no idea who is mother was or if she loved him.    

Don't hesitate if you need to know anything else. 

For friends: My best friend, Kathy, (a platonic friend) died last Dec of pancreatic cancer at age 60.  I told Kathy from her  terminal diagnosis, 10 months earlier, I didn't want anything from her estate.   I took Kathy to about 70% of her about 100 medical appointments, and visited her almost daily the 3 weeks she was in hospice. I visited 2 hours after her death, and they had already removed her body.

Kathy never wanted to talk about anything even vaguely concerning her illness, or that she wouldn't be able to do some of the things she had planned to do in life. I did try to give her many openings, but she just did not want to go there.  I wanted to respect her wishes.

I know from the obit that the family wanted a private interment.  Of course, I wanted to respect that.

Several weeks after the funeral, the executrix called so I could pick up some of my items I had left at Kathy's house. I asked her if I could ask her  a question.  She assumed I was asking if Kathy had left anything to me, and she said no, Kathy hadn't left me anything.

That was not my question: I had only wanted to know how Kathy had chosen to have her remains handled, so I could 'visit' her.  Kathy chose very differently than the theoretical discussions we had before her diagnosis. I don't mind that Kathy changed her mind, I just would have wished it had been easier to know where I could 'visit' her  in 'private', after her interment. I didn't know if she had wanted her ashes scattered at sea, at the local cemetary, or where ever.

Oh, dear...This one is hard for me...With my mother, I wish she had left me with someone besides my oldest sister......i wish I had not been so young I could not decide for my self...I was only 8.......I think I would have done better emotionally if she and my older siblings had let me in on what was going on......I never knew my mom was that sick til seh could no longer speak to me......My mother made a will but never had it probated......So my oldest sister took charge and took most of my mother's belongings that should haev gone to other people......My sister did give me our mother's candy dish when I left home.......I was sitting on the foot of the bed when she passed.....She smiled and went to sleep and that was that........

And for my sister who pased this past March,I was at the foot of her bed when she passed too.....She never woke up though the day before seh did open her eyes when i spoke to her... I wish she had left me something that was personally hers.....Come to think of it, she did........She gave me a dozen sets of salt and pepper shakers because she knew I collected them......I stopped after she died......I  lost all interest.....Maybe I am doing her a disservice by quitting my collection......At her funeral no on esaid anything like I usually see at funerals...It was strange....I have lost 2 sisters and a brother in the span of 4 years since 2005......I had not seen one sister and one brother in years.......I hadn't seen my brother in 30 years.......i spoke to him often on the phone and we did get to say good bye.......he didn't want me to be at his funeral.....he didn't want me to remember him that way..........So to me he was still a young man and not an emaciated 64 yr old who was 6'6" and 120 lbs.......

I guess what I  want to leave my daughter is a sense of self and to know that I love her.....I am going to try to have my funeralpaid up because it cost my niece $15,000 to bury her mother......I don't want to bankrupt my family just to stick me in the ground........I am going to start a will and sooner or later have it probated.....I will have a list of who gets what and when.....Everything I have will be left to my daughter and 3 of my sisters........

I am so glad this thread was started......it actually has helped me......

It always amazes me what happens with a parent dies and siblings fight over things.  I guess to me, none of that stuff is important.

My boys are little. I am leaving them my scrapbooks and journals and TONS of pictures. As to passing things down, just not my style. But there are a few items, if they ever get married or have an significant other, maybe they might want it? I dunno.

Good thoughts.