Starting Chemo February 2009?

We are all in such delicate situations.  We need to be positive & yet realistic.  I had a mind set to save for the future, plan ahead, make lists, prevent wrinkles, keep in shape.  Now I look at an elderly person with more love, compassion, respect & longing.  I so want to live to be old enough to wear those wrinkles on my face and have the life experiences that she has.  Discussing these concerns with your husband is hard.  They love us so much & are in such a diffult role.  Being care givers, supports, medical advocates ...My husband fears I am giving up & losing hope.  I am a bit of a perfectionist, list maker, doer, planner.  Over the past few years I have tried to live more in the moment & breast cancer is definitely going to push me further to do this.  To have conversations with people and truly listen even if they are people you haven't met.  I have met so many amazing people throughout this ordeal and I don' t believe any of them are fluke coincidences.  We just need to listen and keep our eyes and ears open.  There are photo albums I need to do, trips to go on, conversations to have.  I don't think it's morbid.  Face it, it is no suprise to any of us that we are not hear forever.  Now, I fear I am being to out there.  Let's try to look at it like we have all had a real heavy reminder of this & can live in the moment.  Maybe a bit like a 2nd chance.  They are making amazing advances in breast cancer.  New evidence is constantly coming out.  Clinical trial, new medications, treatments.  Even if we had a reoccurance, let's believe that there is more and more they can do for us tough chics.  

 Bev

Webbie ~ Thanks for the great post.  I, too, have been "putting my house in order" just in case I don't make it through this, and as you said, these things need to be done anyway!!

Michele ~ congratulations on the promotion!

Furies ~ I have 2 more chemo treatments left and then it's on to surgery for me.  I am not *quite* as scared as I have been, but I'm not really loving the idea either.  It's those late night thoughts that get to me, y'know?

Regarding skin discoloration:  four weeks after my last AC, I noticed my skin was much better.  I thought it might be just my imagination, but Mr. Artemis and my son both noticed it, too, so it must be for real!  Yay!  Oh, and the excema on my hand is a million times better for those keeping score at home.

At chemo number 6 today, I asked for and got pain meds just in case the Taxol gives me pain this time. Hurrah for understanding doctors!  

Furies ~ I love you all so much.  I am in tears here thinking of what a great bunch of ladies you are.  You are making my journey bearable.  My friends and family are way more supportive than I could have imagined, but they can never "get it" the way y'all do.  Thank you for being you; you are truly Fabulous!

Hugs to all,
Artemis 

Wow, this session took on a whole different mood. Very powerful and meaningful. I have been telling friends and family that I don't really see this cancer thing as something that is so life altering. Not sure if I'm living in gaga land or just have such poor short term memory for the 8 or so days that suck the most from the chemo effects. For the past 10-12 days I have been doing my thing, traveling, socializing, shopping, movies, my weekly game of Mah Jongg, going to work for the most part, etc. Things will change soon as tomorrow (well given that it's 3:20 AM I guess I should say today) I have TX 4. I'm expecting the cumulative effect to kick in and the SE to be more difficult. Very bad timing for me as we celebrate Passover Wed. night and we have family coming up to stay with us. Actually one of the reasons beside the Dexmethozone for being awake is all the cooking and cleaning I was doing until about 2 AM. Today I'm going in to teach for half a day and then go for treatment after that. I won't work for a week and a half after today as I have spring break coming up. That's good and bad because I hate having my vacation ruined by SEs. My sister is flying in on Fri. and we orginally had a car trip planned. I'm betting it won't happen now. But back to the topic of discussion, I do believe it's very healthy to deal with the possibilities that we face. I remember some of the eastern gurus saying that one should always lead their live like it's your last day so you can enjoy it to its fullest. I love the idea of getting things in order and getting rid of all of life's clutter. I intend to have a massive garage sale in early May and purge things from here. I've lived in this house 20 years now so it's time to let go of things. Now on to new ideas. Anyone ever given thought to a reunion of sorts. Ok, can't call it a reunion as there was never an original union but how about a planned meeting place for a long weekend to really solidify this February Furies Group. I realize it would be tough for everyone to make it or for that matter to pick a date that works for the majority and of course a location that's good. But if there are 50 or so of us on this site it may work for many. It could be a great motivator, something to look forward to, and a whole lot of fun. I would be willing to act as the travel agent, do the leg work to find a location, flight costs, and hotel. I would also be willing to defer to someone else who may have more expertise or enthusiasm. Anyways it's a thought that may be worth weighing in on. It seems to me there are so many brilliant women on this site and it would be great to breach beyond the cyber you guys. So share your thoughts and ideas. Hope this doesn't post twice as I thought I could edit in the preview mode. Have to officially wake up in about 2 1/2 hours, wonder if I'll sleep at all. Thoughts and Best Wishes.

Karry going to see a Physchiatrist is a wonderful idea.  I have been seeing one every since my first oncologist appt. and she is wonderful.  She lets me know that I am not alone in how I am feeling (which I also see here) and that if I didn't have these fears she would be worried about me.  I actually enjoy the hour that I spend with her .

A quick PSA for ya'll... There's a GREAT clinical trial out there looking at bone density drugs and the prevention of bone mets.  There's already lots of data on the theory that bone density drugs can prevent bone mets (data indicates that they do offer protection).  The question for this study is which drug does it BEST.  A win for all 3 arms of the study.  Many oncs can enroll and you can do it almost anytime if you meet the criteria. Another plus: 2 of the 3 arms are in pill form.  The 3rd is a monthly IV and can be done during herceptin, avastin, whatever.

http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT00127205?term=0307&rank=3

Webbie:  thank you, thank you for giving me the proverbial kick in the buns.  While I think about(and have actually begun)  going through the house, to purge unnecessary items, I have done NOTHING about a will.  I'm 60 yrs old and live by myself.  I NEED TO DO THIS.  But I don't know where to start.  Do I get an attorney??  Do they specialize in that??  Please help.

Suzanne, I LOVE your idea of a get together!  Since we all started around February, maybe we'll finish around the same time.  It could be a celebration reunion.  I've done a few group trips with Red Hatters.  We did a couple cruises--VERY easy for groups.  It allows folks to do their thing during the day with some group activities and yet gather for dinner every night.

We've also picked a big house to rent on www.VRBO.com .  They offer houses all over the US (and outside) for rent by owners.  We rented a house on Puget Sound for a wk and another time a house on the beach for a wk on the east coast.   The house had 5 bdrms and 5 baths.  

Anyway, I'm in.

dear Michelle S

i hope i haven't said anything that has upset you.. Cancer is soooo hard.  I sometimes i have lofty goals: 

i am going to show my community and family how to deal graciously with adversity..

 i am going to project vitality and happiness in spite of my heavy cross..

 i am going to set an example for my kids that will stay with them their whole lives..

 but the reality is that i often feel awful and my family suffers because i am such a darn grouch.  poor mr. apple, he doesn't 'get any' alot of the time because i am just too tired.. i yell at my kids rather than encouraging them and i am always angry inside at people's general stupidity.. that is the hardest thing to deal with, this illogical anger. someone sends us stupid emails about polar bears in California or clouds in Oklahoma.   my priest organist tells me my settings are all wrong and i seethe inside because he won't give me free organ lessons like he gives to all the kids who think they want to play congregationally even tho they have no idea how difficult it is.. or some lady at the grocers pops into the express line with 40 items..  i seethed about that one for four days!.. or my stupid sister in law will not pass the food to the right and puts food into the trash when we try not to waste anything..   aaaargh.

  my bad.

i know that the steroids have a lot to do with it.  they really do pump you up.

anyway,  we have a tough row to how and that reminds me that i have to get the spinach planted.

i have the luxury of taking this week off from chemo.. my onc. let me delay my treatment since i have to play for 6 services this week.. On Monday I'll pay when i sit in that infusion center and come home to the mess that my kids will make after being home without me.  they'll make bread or something and the kitchen will be trashed.

have a great day all.

I am all for meeting up!!! Great idea suzanne!

Kerry, shopping helps me feel better, too! Yesterday I bought a t-shirt from cafepress: "I fight like a girl" I'm going to wear it at my kickboxing class. I'm kicking cancer's ass!

Susan - I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Keep your chin up, I know all will be fine.

Let me know if anyone wants Michelles email address to send along  good wishes.

I've been staying away from this discussion of mortality because it's too raw for me. Too close to home. I know it is for many of us but like Michele, I have a harder time with it. I think for *ME* the worst part is that I have LITTLE children. If something were to go wrong & the chemo/rads didn't get this...my girls might not even remember me. That's the part that kills me....no pun intended. Most of the time I'm fine & positive & optimistic but those moments sneak in & literally bring me to my knees. Like Kerry I think I'll ALWAYS live in fear now....even if I beat this, it's always going to be there, always in my mind....for the rest of my life. That's tough. That being said I'm all for taking it one day at a time, living life to the fullest (as much as possible) and I do not hesitate to take meds when necessary. Ok....I need to get off this subject!

Michele...sending you major hugs. Come back when you're ready, we'll miss you.

Has anyone had any allergic reaction type symptoms with itchy hands?! All day yesterday my hands were itchy, my eye lids were puffy (like I'd been crying but I really hadn't yesterday!) & my eyes a little teary. The strange thing is that my "big chemo" was a week ago from last Friday! Last Friday was my Herceptin only day & I know Herceptin doesn't really have any SE. Could this be a delayed reaction to my big chemo (Taxotere/Carbo)??

Oh & Kerry....will you send me Michele's e-mail?

Kristine~ I had the eye watering thing with my last infusion (which included herceptin).  It was horrible and then my eyes would be a mess in the morning.  BTW, herceptin does cause drippy nose. 

Okay I need to vent: 

I have a blog for my family and friends to follow and you would think that my best friend would be my greatest support....NOT.  She called me yesterday to ask what has been going on with me and what was going on with my kidneys (hello 3 weeks ago) and told me she asked a mutual friend while she was getting her MK facial.  I was upset.  This is the same person who wanted me and DH to go out to a bar the weekend after my chemo. treatment.  Well our conversation continues and she goes "yup only 2 more and then this will all be behind you".  At that point in a calm voice I said "no it will never be BEHIND me I will have oncologist appt. for the rest of my life" and I felt like screaming plus reconstructive surgery and yeah I'll have boobs but they won't be like my old ones. 

Anyhow if you read all of that mess than you are a saint.  I am so tired of hearing "only x more treatments and then it will be behind you" from people.  I have already posted once on my blog that while it is going to be nice to be out of treatment BC will never be behind me".  

I figured that I would post it hear before I send out any nasty e-mail that I will later regrett. 

Susan ~ I am sorry your friend is acting this way also.   It really makes it hard when all she is worried about is going out to drink (which we would only go out about 2 x a year).  It's like she is too involved in her own little world. 

I am trying soo hard not to hold a grudge, I am going to get past this.  Maybe it't the decadron (I can hope right  

now for something totally different.

i have been laughing non stop for like 30 minutes.. omg, my sides are killing me.

this is a facebook thing (and i'm a member and signed in).. so i'm hoping the link works for the rest of you.

http://www.fmylife.com

i am having trouble getting the link to work.. you just have to type it into the slot at the top.

I agree about the friend thing as well.  My 'best friend' of 30 years, I hardly hear from.  My newest friend, of 3 years, has been wonderful!  I just got a letter from my hospital stating that she sent a generous donation to my cancer center in my mother's name; I cried I was so touched.

Even my sisters don't call much.  They seem much more concerned that somehow I have cursed them now that I have bc.  I certainly hope it is not genetic, but I could still use their support right now.  That being said, I am signed on to take the BRCA test soon, so hopefully that will not show genetic link, and my sisters can feel better about that.

Not sure if I am experiencing that steroid high today, but boy I got a lot done!  I went shopping at 6 different stores today!  That's a record for me. 

I started on B6 and L-glutamine today.  The dosage that others take seems to be all over the place, but I settled on 50mg of B6 and 9g of L.G. a day, and may up the B6 to 100mg.  I will double check with my onc next week when I see her.  I am hoping that it will help prevent neuropathy, but they also both help with asthma, so I am excited about that, too.

Judy

Hey guys!!!  Bethie's back!!! You probably thought I fell off the face of the earth!!!  Got chemo #5 done today, and man did that throw me for a loop!!!! I was jittery/feeling like I was shivering inside as if my body fell asleep then woke up!! I was scared and crying, but my sister was there and gave me a massage to calm me. I was on a high dose of Benadryl plus a steroid.  It was my 1st Taxol treartment.  They'll lower the benadryl next session so I won't feel so jittery.  I need my fabolous furries!!! Thank God we're all here together!!! 3 more chemos then rads!!!