Sex after a mastectomy

Sailor, I wasn't in a relationship at the time of my mast, so I can't say. You might ask your surgeon. Best of luck to you.

Hi Sailorgirl,

We waited for about five days after my PBM. You have to be careful and I was a little self conscious, but it was great to do something fun and to feel wanted. 

 Lee 

Hi Sailorgirl,

I had a unilateral mast last March, and I think we were back at within a week. My husband was great, and I figured if it was OK with him, well, let's go! Buy some lube and take it easy. Now after reconstruction, my plastic surgeon was adamant - NO SEX for about six weeks or so.

Enjoy!

Hi Sailorgirl,

I just stumbled upon this thread, and went peeking back through some old posts I've made regarding this issue.   Marin tends to be the "instructional" contributor to the "Mojo" thread, while I seem to be the "this is how I dealt with the loss of my gi-normous breasts" counselor. 

I hope that some of these previous posts help.  I know it is scary, but my biggest point is that you MUST face your fears, and lack of comfort together.   It does get easier.  We have better sex now than we did when I had giant breasts.  Feel free to PM me if you need more.   

Nandy,

Welcome.  You have come to a great place for support, and ideas.  I was 31 at dx., and was terrified of what would happen to our intimacy.  I had a bilateral mastectomy, and my (then huge) breasts were such a huge role in our foreplay. 

You can post you fears here, and get a lot of answers from women who have been there, are there right with you, or are afraid of being there. 

Believe it or not, both my husband and I agree that our intimate lives are far better than they were before cancer.  Perhaps a part of that is that we chose to have cancer bring us closer together rather than tear us apart, but we were forced into a role much different than what we have been accustomed to. 

We learned to try new things, and re-discover ourselves.  Marin is a fantastic go-to woman for ideas and help in the Mojo department, and really helped me with some ways to overcome body fear. 

My breasts are tiny in comparison to their old version, and my husband still goes to them during sex.  In the beginning, this made me cringe.  I didn't like the feeling, and was paranoid that he didn't like them. 

What I discovered is that I still have some sensitive areas on both breasts, and I have learned to drop the fear and enjoy the closeness of being with my husband. 

It is scary, but remember that he is going through this right along side you (whether it be your husband or boyfriend).  You HAVE to talk about it, or it will affect you negatively. 

Please, come here often, and feel free to PM me if you'd like.  We are pretty close in age (I'm 34 now).  We're all here for you, Deb

Nandy, you are so very welcome. 

I can identify with your last statement, "since i have been diagnosed i feel weird when he touches the other side and there is nothing even wrong with that side," completely!!!! 

When I had my mammo/ultrasound and was told that I had lots of abnormalities going on, I came home to my husband, who was trying to calm me down (I guess, who knows?!) by touching me in the area I was just told might kill me. 

From that moment on, I became obsessed with what was going on in his mind during lovemaking.  I worried that he was afraid he'd feel more lumps in my breasts, that the fact it carried cancer in one side was a turn off, that he was already disgusted by my breasts just because of what it was doing to our lives. 

The truth is, he could care less.  Not in the sense that he doesn't care about me or my health, but during an intimate moment, the last thing on his mind is, "Wow, look at those scars.  Eew." 

The scars don't bother him a single bit. 

You've had longevity with your husband.  I'm pretty confident that he will love you with cancer just as he loved you without.  However, I can't emphasize enough that you MUST talk to him about this.  If your husband is anything like mine, (or most), he'd be much happier to not talk about conflict.  This is not like a disagreement over who was supposed to take out the trash.  This is your marriage and intimacy at stake. 

 I didn't want my husband to touch me in the beginning.  I wore camisoles at times.  I was very guarded.  Suddenly, I got used to it.  It was at that time that I was willing to allow my husband to "explore," and I can remember gasping, "I can FEEL that!" 

A bilateral mastectomy gave me the guts to try new things and find out that I enjoyed them. 

It takes time.  It's not easy.  The women here will be a lifesaver-they were to me.  You can DO this. 

Love and prayers, Deb

When I was going through treatment in 2005, I know my hubby and I had some rough patches, where I just know we both were sure I'd die. 

If your husband is anything like mine, the worst thing to do is to bring up what is obviously weighing heavily on his heart. That puts you into a corner.  If you are anything like I am, the last thing you want to do is to just let an issue slide by. I am such a fixer by nature. 

My surrogate father told me the other day, "The worst thing you can do for someone who needs cheering up is to try to cheer them up."  He was so right. In our own situation (as we go through dx., chemo, rads, surgery), the lousiest time can often be when people trip all over themselves trying to make it easier on us. 

It's tough, but perhaps giving him a bit of space might be what gets him to come around.  When you see an opening, grab it. 

And, if that doesn't help, I would suggest some counseling.  He could benefit from individual counseling, and maybe the two of you could go together, too.  There is NO shame in getting help-I am the first to admit that with my own marriage. 

As far as intimacy is concerned, that is such a delicate struggle for so many of us, and our husbands/mates go through it right beside us. They, too, grieve the loss of their old normal. Imagine-he is your husband, and therefore feels that he should be protecting you from the world.  Of course, he can't protect you from cancer, and he still probably feels a bit powerless as a result. 

Our mates don't know how to handle (pardon the pun) our new breasts.  It's different, feels different, looks different.  In my own relationship, my husband still goes for my breasts during intimacy.  I hardly have feeling at all in that area (there are a few "hot spots"), and sometimes have to redirect him.  He understands. 

We have to stumble through this together.  We learn new ways to be intimate because we have to.  Breast cancer women can't give up on intimacy simply because cancer took the thing that society uses to define us as women.  HECK NO! 

I started coming to the Mojo thread around the time of my bilateral, and haven't stopped.  There are so many good ideas, as well as a lot of support.  Honestly, this thread has helped IMPROVE our intimacy. In fact, guess where I'm going when I log off of bc.org?   

You HAVE to talk about it, because this isn't going away.  We are here for you.  Love and prayers, Deb