WHY DOES THIS MAKE ME SO ANGRY?

Tami, I had a neighbor in my apartment building who was like that!  (Still is, two years after my dx, but I avoid her!)  Looks like you and I have very similar dx -- and  I think "funeral whine" would be hard to take in ANY case!  Plus, you know -- even if you can't put your finger on it, you can tell when it's more about them than you, no matter WHAT the tone is.  You feel how you feel!  Maybe put them to work!  I don't know what stage of treatment you're in, but if there's any housework or shopping you need done, just ask them!  If they're really "supporting" you, they'll do it, and if not -- you'll soon be spared the whiny phone calls, I bet!

Maybe you can try changing the subject next time (hint hint).  If that does not work, perhpas try turning the table around and start talking about THEM and THEIR personal issues.  Either they'll get quiet, or they may actually indulge and talk away about themselves instead - LOL. 

One well-intended friend of mine was doing the same to me.  He has MS (multiple screlosis)himself, so everytime he gets overly dramatic about my BC, I ask about his health and how he's holding up.  He seems very uncomfortable talking about his own illness or his chronic depression, even though we've been friends for over a decade and I know all about situation.  He changes the subject immediately when I bring it up.

Well, this tactic has worked for me so far - LOL. 

Good luck.

Good luck.

My family was the same way about me when they heard the news about my cancer.  I think they googled it, looked up the diagnosis and the staging, etc., and figured I was half dead already.  In fact, I have one brother that refuses to believe anything except that I'm dying!  Not a pleasant person to talk with!  I think it has a lot to do with their experiences with others, and in my case, most of my father's side of the family did die with all different types of cancers.  But that was all back in the 50's and 60's.  Most everyone else has been very supportive without planning my funeral!  I've tried to keep a positive attitude around people and not let my situation dictate the conversation all the time.  But it is strange how people feel they just have to talk about ME and CANCER!

Tami, you are not being too sensitive.  I do think it's hard for some people to reach that middle ground where they're not pitying you, but they are acknowledging the seriousness of your situation.  Some people treat us as if we're dying, while others dismiss our fears because (according to them) our cancer was cured.

I've had exactly the same problem you're describing.  The strangest thing is that the worst has been from the people closest to me, not with more distant relatives or people I used to work with.  People with more distant relationships have shown concern without making me feel like I must be dying.

OTOH, my own family (not my dh, thank goodness) seldom called me during my treatment and never sent emails or letters.  When I did talk to them, their voices got soft and syrupy--just like when people are talking with each other while viewing the casket at a funeral.  "How are you doing?  I mean, really--are you doing okay?  You would tell me if anything was wrong, wouldn't you?  Are you sure everything is all right???"

I actually had a dear, sweet relative of mine ask me yesterday if I was okay, and was I "...you know, taking care to check for lumps?".  Huh???  Um, no--of course not.  I'm totally oblivious to the possibility that my cancer might come back or that I might get a tumor on the other side, and I needed you to remind me???

Hugs...

otter 

I finally got to the point that I let all calls go to voice mail. Then, I could choose when I was ready to speak with them...when I was in the mood for 20 questions. Caller ID and an answering machine were my best friends...

Linda

Tami..... It must go with the diagnosis... initially my sister had the "funeral whine" finally I just told her I am not dying.... yes I have cancer but I am doing everything I need to do to get back to a "new normal in my life". You do not have to constantly think I am dying. That was the end of it and now we are back to talking about normal things like American Idol.

As for my friends the "true" friends are the ones that are taking turns driving me to radiation and taking me for ice cream at 10:30 in the am just because we can! The others go to my answer machine never to be heard from again. They are not true friends just peope in my life that have too much time on their hands and are looking for something to gossip about.  I now know I do not need these people in my life.

So remember you are the most important person right now. Your "job" is to get through your treatments and start your "new normal" with all the people that truly love and care about you.

Oh by the way the next time someone tells you how "lucky " you are to have found the cancer so early tell them what I do. Gee, I don't find anything "lucky" about having breast cancer. You should see the look on their faces. It is priceless.

I have two more boost tx left. I am struggling with blisters and breakage under the breast. I am sick and tired of this bc. But I know that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and finally I do not think there is a train there any more!

Good luck to you. Nancy 

Paula, when someone asks you, "How are you?", you could consider telling them, "One moment I am handling things well and then the next I am crying."  That's a perfectly reasonable response.  It reflects the roller coaster we're on, and our fragile emotional stability.

When I see someone I know really well and I know they've had cancer or a family emergency or some other crisis, and I want to know how they're doing, I ask them how they're doing.  Maybe that's not the right thing to say.  I really want to know, though--are they feeling okay, or are they getting stronger, or are they afraid it will happen again, or do they miss the person terribly, or have they figured out a coping strategy.  It's conversation, and I don't know how else to start it if I haven't seen the person in awhile.

"How are you doing?" is one question I don't mind, as long as it isn't accompanied by that look of pity and the fragrance of scented formaldehyde.

otter 

"how are you doing?" is such a tricky question!!!!!!  If I really think about it, people have asked me that question all my life!!!!  "Hi, how are you doing?" seems to be the usual greeting everyone gives everyone.  But now that I have cancer, I don't want to be asked that.  It makes me immediately think "CANCER!!!!!!  Why does everyone think of me with the big C on my forehead?"

I've tried to be fair and realize that this is a typical greeting that people use, and not to be so paranoid abut the cancer inflection in their voice!  I've been analyzing my own feelings lately, as my emotions are on a roller coaster.  First, I DO want people to ask me, but when they do, I get irritated that they did.  And if they don't, I think they don't care about me.  And if the conversation isn't about ME, I want to talk about ME.  And if it IS about ME, then I wonder why we're not talking about all the things we used to talk about.  I'm beginning to think there is no normal anymore. 

thank you for making me feel like I am normal!!!!

I know exactly how you feel and was starting to believe I was completely crazy!!!

I also know what you mean ... when people say "How are you?" But ... rather than go into all of the details about it ... I just smile and tell them I'm FINE!  They think I really AM "fine" ... but what I mean is ... I am F (frustrated) I (insecure) N (neurotic) E (exhausted) !!!!  What they hear satisfies them ... but I know what I really mean!

Well, you know I just had to post here! Let's see, my family never call, my kids communicate through Facebook or email, some phone calls, that's okay. My sister emailed me I could "move on" when my bone scan was clear. WTF? I haven't stopped anywhere, just where am I supposed to move on to? I just stopped updating anyone on how/what I am doing. I am back into surgery on Tuesday to clean up my cancer side as there is breast tissue left. No one knows but my DH.

My fellow workers are great, but one of the reasons I didn't do a recon (other than the physical strain) is that by having a flat chest, it tells everyone that my "battle" continues. As I've said many times, why should I have to wear fake boobs to make YOU feel better? I had lovely breasts before and don't need a recon to feel good about myself. I know I'm very lucky, but I'm 51 next month and I've had my time of cleavage...

For the friend up the thread there that asked someone if they were worried about IT coming back in 5 years, I would say, "Gosh NO! Now that I'm in the loop I get treated way different than the average female. It's the ones who don't have access to the tests we get that have to worry!" Let her stew about that one! When people who I know don't really care, ask how I am I say "Fine, but we had such a cold winter I froze my tits off!" (I know, I know, some of you are going to be offended by that one). The guys I work with say I'm more one of the guys now.

If anyone wants gory details I start to explain about the drains under your skin and wrapped around your chest and how you have to milk the tubes to get the gunk to move down so it can drain. And then when they have to pull the drain out.....by then I have no audience!

I have played the cancer card a couple of times, sometimes shocking people but I don't care. I live with my results everyday and if someone pushes me, I push back.

I pretty much do answer the "how are you" question with "sometimes I'm ok and can just say I have breast cancer and sometimes I am crying all the time"...its true, I just start crying at weird times but I know its normal to feel this way.  I am so thankful for all the support that I do have.  I made a website that I update and everyone I know can go in and read and sign my guestbook and leave messages, that is the best thing I have done because I read those messages everyday and it is so helpful. I have 95 of them as of today : )  

you know...

i am bad (my bad)

if i don't want to discuss my health (which is more than often).. i respond to the 'how are you' question with 'oh.. i just have a few pooping issues.. nothing i want to get into" 

i don't have pooping issues.. it's just a great way to stop the 'C' conversation.

I find that no one can win with me anymore -- but most of that is just my mood and my issues right now.  The phone rings constantly and I screen them and complain.  And, then I remember how grateful I am that people care and there are worse problems that I could have.  We are on such an emotional roller coaster and until you've gone through it, you just can't relate.  I am a pretty positive person on my own, but I am so sick of the Positive talks and the how lucky talks.  And, it drives me insane when people ask how you are.... but what else are they going to say?  Everyone, for the most part, just wants to be there for you and show you they care.  That's what we need to remember, when we feel like strangling them!!  Thanks all for making me feel a bit more normal!!