Starting Chemo February 2009?

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  • Terri42
    Terri42 Member Posts: 56
    edited April 2009

    Love the pictures!  I needed some smiles today!  It's rainy here in Pa - which seems to be the norm lately and I get ticked off that the weather is not helping my mood any! I'm hoping to be on the upswing of moods this week - kids are off at the end of the week so that should help!

    Apple - I'm definitely asking for hydrocodone next Taxol dose - I'm actually hoping though that the pain isn't so bad next time??  You just never know with this stuff.

    Michele - glad you're doing better on Taxol!

    Have a good day guys - good luck to those who have treatments this week!

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  • susan13
    susan13 Member Posts: 732
    edited April 2009

    Love the pics! 

    Web-I start the rads (let's call them tanning sessions) on the 20th.

    Ladies my eyesight is so bad the minute I have to look at something they start to hurt. Seems to be the only lingering SE right now.  On second thought let me add depression to that too!

    My little one decorated the "Easter Bunny Tree" this weekend and we went to a little hunt also and she and her cousins got to sit on the Easter Bunny's lap.  She's soooo into Easter this year, I love it!

     




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  • kmn0701
    kmn0701 Member Posts: 117
    edited April 2009

    Kerry....I SO get those thoughts too. I call them my "mortality moments". It sucks! It's so hard to continue on with life in general & try to keep life normal when dealing with chemo & cancer. I hope & pray that years from now we'll all look back at this & be able to say "once upon a time I had cancer".

    webbie....the pics are darling, your little monkey is too dang cute!

    Michele....you're going to work?? Hugs to you!

    Denali....sign me up for the chemo spa!!! I'd like that with a manicure, pedicure, massage & facial too! Laughing

    Hope everyone has a great week!

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  • MicheleS
    MicheleS Member Posts: 937
    edited April 2009

    Kristine~ Yeah... I'm at work, getting NOTHING done (except stressing about taxol hypersensitivity).  Having a yucky day (damn that "mortality").

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  • Jaimieh
    Jaimieh Member Posts: 2,373
    edited April 2009

    Whoo I am back from treatment #4 only 2 more TC's to go.  I am hoping for no cold after this treatmen and an easy time but I know some side effect will hit me.  I just hope it isn't too bad. 

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  • BandanaGirl
    BandanaGirl Member Posts: 11
    edited April 2009

    Thanks Ladies for your warm welcome! And to all the gals that gave me some Taxol info..

    I think what worries me is that I had very little nausea on the A/C but that could be because

     I was taking Emend and was fasting from 4 hours prior to the start of chemo, until 3 days after..

    Now everything is changing and I want to hang on to those things that kept me from being sick. I have had a lot of pain in my legs but especially in my feet..Yikes..they are so sore... and a pretty sour stomach...Mostly, I constantly feeling very emotional...I'm 11 days post chemo and I finally feel upbeat..but chemo is already 3 days away..Dose dense is rough..

    I

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  • xpectmiracles
    xpectmiracles Member Posts: 439
    edited April 2009

    Hey Fab Furies, I've shared this on a few different strings. I'm not sure what to do. I am still trying to work. It is getting discouraging because it seems about half the time I am calling in or leaving early sick because of chemo SE. Today I felt fine at the beginning of the shift. I started feeling a little weak and shaky a couple of hours into it. Unfortunately, our computer system went bazzerk and the LPN giving meds on my team was behind because it took her forever to file things. There was one pt in particular who was in a lot of pain and needed some meds. Instead of stopping to rest and eat something I jumped in to help the LPN by administering this pts meds for her. Of course it took me forever to document  and by the time I did sit down to take a break it was about an hour later. The rest and food helped as long as I was sitting in the break room. Once I got back on the floor to see pts again I found that I was shaky and unsteady on my feet. I had my bp taken and it was elevated. I was wheeled to employee health and my husband was called to pick me up. I don't know what to do! Is it fair to my co-workers to continue to try to work when I eventually call in sick or leave early on a regular basis? Please, I need some feedback on my predicament.

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  • living4today
    living4today Member Posts: 215
    edited April 2009

    Cheryl, I so understand the working and being discouraged...it took me three hospitalizations before I finally went to half shifts at work (8-12), I come home and rest and than (yes, I am very lucky that my job is able to be done from home) I finish my work hours from home.  When I try and push it, I have the same symptoms you described and it was making my life very unmanagable.  It was so hard to cut back on my hours, especially since I am the type who loves work and before BC worked my day job as a nurse and than after work helped my husband with snow removal/lawnmowing/landscaping.  I just keep telling myself that the gift of time will help me heal quicker so I can be around for many, many years!  Best wishes with your decision.

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  • MicheleS
    MicheleS Member Posts: 937
    edited April 2009

    Cheryl~ I don't know if I could continue working a job where I was on my feet all day.  I get weak pretty quickly... even when doing paperwork.  I'm lucky in that I can make up hours at home. Could you work a 1/2 shift? Or, just have yourself on the schedule the few days just before your next treatment?  Maybe work PRN to fill in when others call-in sick or there's a particularly busy day when they need extra help?  Best of luck with your decision... It is soooo hard to predict how you'll feel.

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  • webwriter
    webwriter Member Posts: 535
    edited April 2009

    It's gotta be heartbreaking, frustrating and endlessly miserable. I'm so sorry! You are going to have to break it down further tho, I think, at least for now. I know that there is NO WAY I could be nursing right now. I'm wearing Auntie A out as it is! Is there a way, on your good week, that you could work fewer hours or break them up? 4 hours on, 4 hours off, 4 hours on? Could you do an every second or third day so your body can re-group between pushes? Could you do some kind of backup paperwork for the second half of your shift?

    I don't know about fairness to your co-workers. I do know that fairness to YOU is pretty critical right now. While I'm sure they admire your efforts, if YOU don't feel good about what you're doing, you can't do it. Period.

    The only other consideration I can think of is one that I struggle with myself. That is, once you've burned your reserves, where do you go? You're working at a deficit and the longer you dig the hole deeper, the longer it takes to climb out.

    It sucks. But then again, so does everything about this.

    I wish I could offer you a way to keep going like you are--but your body is telling you to find a better way. So I'll just send (((((cheryl))))) Massive ones. :( 

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  • Beverly11
    Beverly11 Member Posts: 443
    edited April 2009

    Hi Everyone - Was successful in getting chemo #3 today (2nd try).  So, I am 1/2 way through this marathon.  Feeling off; not sure how the evening is going to go.  Pray for the best. 

     Cheryl - I have been on sick leave since December & I have no idea how much longer I will be on.  My mom passed away a few days after I was diagnosed so at first I was on bereavement for a week, then I took holidays until the day of my surgery.  I was debating going back after the bereavement  but it seemed like I had a medical appointment virtually every day.  I am glad to be off.  I am an underwriter for an insurance company & although my coworkers have been an amazing support system they still have to meet dealines and quotas.  I don't think it would be fair to put myself in a situation where I would be judged the same as my healthy coworkers and to have the same work load and expectations.  To have to make up missed time due to appts on top of it.  I have worked at the same company for 12 yrs and they needed to have any employee that they could count on & honestly right now that is not me.   If you can swing it financially; my suggestion is to take some time.  If at any time we deserve it; it is now.   Sorry, I am blabbing on.  Then again, I know of some women that continued to work full time.  Some don't have choices and some really find that there job is so full filling & don't want to give it up even temporarily.  It can be a complex decision like all of this!

    Good Health to All

    Bev

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  • datadrudge
    datadrudge Member Posts: 28
    edited April 2009

    xpectmiracles I'm going to jump on this one because I really had a hard time letting work go...I struggled mightily with the whole idea of taking time away from the job even though I had tons of sick leave I had never used (and work in a place covered under FMLA)

    For me, reality set in after I experienced several days where drooling was about my most impressive accomplishment. I'm sortof kidding, but...from thinking I could jump right back in 2 days after chemo I have gone to Chemo day off (usually Thursday), Friday off, Sat off, Sun off, Mon off, Tue off. Wed --work a light schedule --last time a half day telecommuting. Thursday, telecommute 5-6 hours, Friday, telecommute a full day. If I could not telecommute those last three days, I do not believe I would work more than half  the day. I then return to normal schedule until the next round. 

    2 of my male colleagues have had cancer (not breast)  --both warned me not to come back too soon after chemo, but I had to learn the hard way too!

    I know you love your job; I love mine, too. and I think you should be able to work any schedule you can  manage, if you *really* want too. But...I do not think you should feel or put *any* pressure on yourself to work if you are not feeling well--this is a time to heal. (Preferably at the chemo spa! great idea!)

    If you feel even a little bit guilty taking time off, imagine the pressure of living up to your example on anyone with a serious illness on your team after you --take your sick days for the team! (Haven't we all heard about the folks who breezed through chemo and hardly took a day off, I know I have --which is partly why it took me awhile to admit I just couldn't do it anymore... )

    I agree that it is really hard to predict how you will feel...but I know I couldn't be on my feet all day either. Especially not those really long shifts lots of nurses work.

     Good luck whatever you decide! 

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited April 2009

    Hey guys - well I have woken up to SNOW on the ground. In April! Gotta love Canada. Think there are going to be flurries all day - but a sunny weekend. Not that I will be getting out much, having Tx #5 on Thursday, will no doubt be feeling sorry for myself. Seeing my Onc this morning - even though it is juts a pre-chemo visit, I am still nervous. I hate this.

    Bev - great they got #3 into you! And big Whoohoo's for being halfway. It is all downhill from now. Hope it treats you kindly. 

    Cheryl - I too applaud anyone working through this. And I understand what you are giving up if you take sick leave. But you also have to think about yourself, and put your health and well being first. And the fatigue is only going to get worse the closer to the end we get. This is a tough thing you are going through, and it is OK just to take the time to recover. Good luck with what you decide.

    OK, hope a good day is had by all. 

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  • MicheleS
    MicheleS Member Posts: 937
    edited April 2009

    Still weepy but I did get some good news yesterday... I'm getting promoted.  Got a note from the dean yesterday about the university wanting to recognize my committment (sp?) etc.  It is an administrative promotion (salary freezes bc of the economy) but it makes my job more solid.  I'm happy but also exhausted thinking about the responsibility.

    Now.., any ideas for my depression this round. ick.

    Kerry~ SNOW? wow.  It is literally freezing here this morning.  Unheard of for south AL in April.

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited April 2009

    Hey michelle - excellent news. Congrats and well done!! Cause for a celebration!

    I can't help you with the depression, I am afraid. Finding it harder and harder myself to remain positive. I am trying to focus on the end point, but it is hard. Just gotta hang in there. 

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  • MicheleS
    MicheleS Member Posts: 937
    edited April 2009

    Kerry~ It isn't getting through chemo that I'm worried about... It is about not leaving my kids without a mom.  I keep having morbid thoughts.  My MD asked if I'm having suicide ideation.  Ummm no... I want to live. *That's* the problem. (tho' I have to admit that I have thought a bit about getting *it* over with on my terms eventually.)

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited April 2009
    Michelle - Oh, I totally know where you are coming from. I am terrified. But I think the Chemo drugs contribute to the whole depression thing. And once we get through it and get some time between us and the treatment, life will return to a "new normal". I do think the Chemo just drains you mentally, which makes it hard to stay positive.
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  • Terri42
    Terri42 Member Posts: 56
    edited April 2009

    Hey Furies!

    Cheryl - I work a desk job but have an hour commute and have fortunately been able to go out on disability - I miss my job and feel guilty every day but I am sooooo glad I can just rest through all of this trauma - I don't know how you have been able to do it at all.  I think everyone has given you some good suggestions - half shift sounds somewhat doable a few days after your chemo or no work until this is over if you can!  Sorry this is a tough decision but you need to put yourself first right now - the job will be there when you're done!

    Michele - I'm right there with you on the depression - like others I feel the worst the week after chemo then I kind of see the light again that second week.  You're going weekly though now aren't you?  The only thing I can tell you is that it's OK to cry - it's normal to think the way you're thinking and you WILL get through this!  Come on we're almost at the end - I'm exactly 5 weeks away from my last treatment today and I'm going to start the countdown.  It does seem to be getting harder as we approach the end - I'm not sure why that is - I guess we're all just so tired...try to pick something you want to do (maybe something this weekend) and focus on that - also congrats on your job!  You may not be able to put 100% into it right now but you will soon!

    Kerry - no snow here but it's cold and windy so I'm stuck indoors - trying to gear myself up for my elliptical - I would rather be outside walking! It has to get warm soon!!!!

    Have a good day guys!

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited April 2009

    Michelle -

    sun shine, fresh air, lots of water, as much activity as you can handle.. try, to not worry about the future and your kids.

    i know that i am cancer challenged.. very. i know that is likely that i will  die alot sooner than I'd like. 

     Still, i brought my children into this world and now is the time for me to give myself to them and their future.. that's a wonderful opportunity to have..  the chance to establish values, give them attitudes, hopes and dreams.  Chances are that I will be hounding them and their own children far into the future, but now is wonderful.. i;m so glad i'm here... even tho i suffer thru the pains of chemo and such.

    I hope I do not come across as morbid.. Life is what it is and I am happy to be here.  It sucks that we cannot just comfortably flit thru our days without thinking of our illness, but hay.  Some people have horrid disability that limits all they do.

    We're not so bad off.

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited April 2009

    Well said apple.

    I am trying to get to a place where I am at peace with whatever happens. No one has a Crystal Ball, every day there are stories of other peoples tragedys in the paper. I know I am doing everything I can to beat this, there is no more I can do. We all have a lot to be grateful for, whatever the future may hold.

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  • Jaimieh
    Jaimieh Member Posts: 2,373
    edited April 2009

    Apple~ You don't sound morbid to me.  You are looking at the positives while we are in this stinky time.  Thank you, I will come back and read you post as I have started my stinky week. 

    I think that I maybe calling my doctor for some new anti-nausea med. soon.   I took my zofran last night and I was still up breathing thru bouts of nausea it was horrible.  So far this morning I have been okay but I need my sleep. 

    41 more days until treatment #6.  I keep a count to give me a light at the end of my tunnel (hopefully forever). 

    Did I mention how much I hate Cancer ??

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  • MicheleS
    MicheleS Member Posts: 937
    edited April 2009

    Thanks Apple.  Do you want to come and move in with me?? I need your pep talks and reality checks.

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  • susan13
    susan13 Member Posts: 732
    edited April 2009

    Very well said Apple and Kerry!  I actually needed to hear that today too!

    Well Ladies, here I am finally, knock on wood... feeling a little normal, almost 4 weeks out of chemo.  Besides hot flashes that wake me up in the middle of the night and robbing me of sleep... I'm feeling ok today.

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  • Beverly11
    Beverly11 Member Posts: 443
    edited April 2009

    HI Everyone - yeah, the attitude & moods are tough some days.  Last night wasn't pretty physically but I am feeling better mentally and attitude wise today.  The emotions just get to you.  All of it & I am confident you all know what I mean.  You have all expressed my same concerns. 

     I love Susan's quote.  I read it over & over.  It is just such an excellent reminder.

     Bev

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  • webwriter
    webwriter Member Posts: 535
    edited April 2009

    Cheryl--I hope you don't mind. I talked your situation over with Auntie A. I figued of anyone on the planet, she would understand your predicament and know what to do. She said two things. If you aren't financially strapped, try PRN. Then if you don't feel good you can say no. Two, nurses are pretty much born care-givers. So, they are not worried about picking up any slack you may leave. They want to help you, care for you, and support you through this, just like they would with a patient. It's instinct. They can't help it. To the 99th percentile, they want to do whatever will help you most--cover your shift, or help you do it. I won't tell you what she said about the other percent.  Suffice to say they don't matter.

    She told me a story about a lady she worked with who HAD ($ Single w/ kids $) to work through chemo. On bady days, the nurses on her shift put her on a cot in the breakroom, and kept her there for entire shifts. There were no complaints. They were glad they were able to help. Period.

    I hope that gives you some meaningful food for thought. She sends her love and wants you to know she's pulling for you-- Nurse to Nurse. 

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  • Bethie1
    Bethie1 Member Posts: 393
    edited April 2009

    Chemo spa!! too funny!! It would be nice though!!!!

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  • webwriter
    webwriter Member Posts: 535
    edited April 2009

    Fearful Furies in the Cancer Hole-- It is significantly worse for me on the down chemo days. But that doesn't mean it's confined to then. I have refused anti-depressants throughout this thing for my own reasons. However, if it gets bad enough, I have a script laying right here and I'm not afraid to use it!

    Do I think a pill is going to fix this? No. But it might give me some rest and some relief while I deal with it. The Lunesta I take for sleep has already helped with that. In the past few days, however, it hasn't worked. I'll be talking to Onco tomorrow about change. I MUST sleep, even if I am frightened out of my mind.

    We're all facing some tough realities. Talking about it with each other isn't morbid. It's healthy. We need to do more of it. Our families and friends can't hear it without having a whole huge host of emotions we don't need to be dealing with. So if we can't face it together here, where can we? 

    I have often "bitten my tongue" here and not said things because I didn't want to bring the group down. I have often been inspired by the words I've found here (Apple and Susan, Kerry all three of late!) So, I guess I get focused on giving back to all of you and sometimes forget to say what's real.

    It's great that we can support each other. When one is up, another is down-- so we keep each other balanced. Trust me when I say my life has depended on that more than once here! You all have come through every single time. Each of you has affected my life in ways I'll remember for ever.

    But we really should be able to talk about our fears too. Not the ones that an outlook shift can fix--the ones we really do have to face, deal with and overcome in order to truly "beat" cancer.  We can't choose to focus on living 100% of the time when the truth is, some of us won't. There are more than 50 women in this beloved group. We all know the odds. If the time comes, I want to be able to come here and tell you all without putting on a brave or happy face about it.

    So I'll just jump in and start. (You knew I'd get to the point eventually, right?)

    Like most of you, I'm a happy and positive person. I'm also high the energy "Type A" who feels better "doing."  I'm an organizer and a list maker to make it worse. When you scare an anal retentive Type A like me, expect an explosion of activity. (And folks, I'm scared.) 

    I'm channeling that activity into spending quality time with my family, of course. but, I'm also doing some brain consuming, mildly physical things. I'm doing some long put off chores that just can't wait anymore.

    We're making the lawyer appointment and getting the paperwork updated.

    I'm cleaning out the "stuff" in my life. You know, things like the jeans I've been sure (for 15 years) that I'd get small enough to wear again. The shoebox in the top of the closet with my old boyfriend's letters. 

    I've gotten serious about finishing Little Monkey's baby book and copying the family photos from 3 generations back.

    I'm putting our old video camera on e-bay and getting the digital one I want.

    There are a gazillion things in my life like that. None of them mean I'm giving up on living. Every last one of them needs to be done anyway. If I got hit by a truck tomorrow, they are things I regret would not getting done.

    And if I get hit with mets, they are things I don't want to rush.  I'll use that video camera to make some DVD's for little Monkey. I'll disperse copies of the family photos and stories to whomever they should go to. I don't have to think about that part right now tho. All I have to do is get a plan together, put it into motion and work toward the goal.

    Late at night, when the tears start over the thought of that sweet baby girl growing up without me, of my beautiful husband who would not recover easily, I think about what I am doing toward making that transition easier. If I can't convince myself that it won't be necessary at all, I can at least know I did everything I possibly could to LIVE while I was here, and to make my death easier if we have to face that someday. Someday will come sooner or later. It's easier for me if I'm ready.

    I hope that's not scary or offensive for anyone. I intend to live. But if I'm hedging my bet, I sleep better. 

    May ALL of us sleep soundly tonite. No matter what we're dealing with.

    Love,

    Web

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  • xpectmiracles
    xpectmiracles Member Posts: 439
    edited April 2009

    Webbie, you are absolutely right. It is normal for all of us to think these "mortality" thoughts. If we keep them bottled up in our head they seem so much overwhelming than if we share them with others. This is the place to do it. I have found myself nodding my head in agreement when reading the open and honest sharing. I'm thinking, "been there, done that! I can totally relate." Others in our lives may find it difficult to hear us express, let alone discuss these mortality issues.

    Live in and love today!

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  • Jaimieh
    Jaimieh Member Posts: 2,373
    edited April 2009

    Webbie~ I learned a hard lesson about all of what you had to say last year when my dad died at 56 from a heart attack.  He always said that "tomorrow was another day" and he did nothing of what you said and it left us unprepared completely.  We have gotten thru it but it sure has been hard because we had to figure everything out ourself.  I finally feel like we are getting past figuring out all of his business affairs and finally a year later can grieve for him. 

    I don't think that your post was offensive at all but I agree with getting your digital camera (I am a photographer, well I was until I can barely carry around my camera because it weighs over 6lbs with my favorite lens).  BTW, I can justify everything when it comes to photograhy...lol...

    I also was going to post in you Dose dense TC thread but I figured since I am having TCH I wasn't qualified.  I tried to get my Onc. to agree to dose dense but he wouldn't go for it :(

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  • Bethie1
    Bethie1 Member Posts: 393
    edited April 2009

    Absolutely right Webbie!! I hope I've been able to give you and anyone else needed a positive attitude.  I'm scared as anyone else would be on this forum, although I've heard from my family, friends, and co-workers that I have a positive attitude. So let me give you and my fellow sisters a boost here!! We are STRONG WOMEN and we're gonna beat this thing right!!! Love your fellow "sister" Bethie1!!

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