Who do you Trust to Carry out Your Wishes?

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NYCarol
NYCarol Member Posts: 347
edited June 2014 in Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care

I have done all the necessary paperwork and my husband is the person I assigned to make my end of life decisions when I cannot make them for myself.  I made that decision 7 years ago when BC reared its ugly head for a second time.  This is a second marriage for me.  My husband and I have been married for over 30 years, but my three children were fathered biologically by my first husband.  My current husband raised them, and they are all very close to him.

My husband's mind seems to be slipping.  I'm not sure if it is stress or if he is developing early alzheimers.  His short term memory is failing fast.  He has forgotten to pick up grandchildren after school even though he spoke to them only a few hours previously.  He has started writing everything down.  He often denies that he has forgotten things.  Of course I am worried about him but selfishly I am worried that I cannot count on him to make the decisions that he and I agreed to.  I know if I mention this to him he will deny it, and I am afraid I will hurt him if I change my directive to one of  my children.   I have three children, the oldest a girl and then two boys.  I am close to all of them and that would make it hard to chose among them. 

I'd appreciate any insights you all might have.

Carol

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  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited April 2009

    If you add a Living Will your wishes will be outlined so there is no decision to be made.

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  • NYCarol
    NYCarol Member Posts: 347
    edited April 2009

    I have a living will, but it is my understanding that a live husband can over-ride it.   That hospice or hospitals will do what the husband/child in the room says to do.  They are afraid of being sued.

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  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited April 2009

    This raises another question. When do we decide to issue a DNR? I am scared that they will try to keep me going, when I should be let go.

    Do you have a sibling that could do it?

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  • pookie61
    pookie61 Member Posts: 257
    edited April 2009

    I asked my oncologist about doing a DNR when I was diagnosed with mets.  She said it was too soon because if I was in a car wreck in the near future I would still probably want to be resusitated.  Good point, so I have held out for now, but we still didn't really decide when.  Since I am going to do hospice sooner rather than later, and my onc has promised to let me know when she think things are winding down, that will be when I do it. 

    I also doubt my husband's ability to do what I want.  Now he might say he is capable, but what will happen in the end when things are really bad?  Nor do I want to ask my family or parents.  I think it would be too much for my friends.  I am thinking of my husband's aunt, who is a great person and works as a nurse in a hospice.  She has already spoken to me about end of life issues, so I am considering asking her. 

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  • NYCarol
    NYCarol Member Posts: 347
    edited April 2009

    Pookies, I had never considered somebody outside my family.  That might be a good idea.  I have a psychologist friend whom I trust.  It might actually be a relief to my family not to make the decisions.  I just don't want to hurt any of them.  This damn illness has done enough of that.

    The DNR issue is really hanging over my head too.  I recently went into the hospital for minor surgery and the issue arose.  My surgeon felt strongly that I didn't want a DNR under those circumstances.  So I resinded a DNR already in place.  This whole issue is much more complicated than it seems on the surface. 

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  • DaughterMom
    DaughterMom Member Posts: 160
    edited April 2009

    My father has his best friend of many many years in charge of his medical decisions as stated in his living will, which may take alot of burden off of the family.  My father`s father (my grandfather) had alzhiemer`s, which is probably why he named is friend.  I don`t feel hurt or upset by his decisions in any way.  Tough decisions you are facing, I hope you find the answers soon and feel at peace.  God Bless.

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  • ranD
    ranD Member Posts: 373
    edited April 2009

    My feeling is that once i get to the hospice level of care, then a DNR.  Until then, shock away boys!!  I have toalked to my dh about this, but he is further down the Nile then me!  I keep thinking that lung mets means I have a while to go....well see

    randie

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  • NYCarol
    NYCarol Member Posts: 347
    edited April 2009

    thanks for your input DaughterMom.

    Randie, I'll have to think about the hospice level of care as the signal for a DNR. 

    Randie, I also have lung mets.  Diagnosed October '07.  I was dismayed at first when given a short time frame, but now I am very optimistic and hoping for a "long while to go" as you put it:) 

    Carol

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  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited April 2009

    I have lung mets and I have been here 3 yrs since dx.  I have my friend and my husband named.  If he is not there or unreachable she can make the decision.  If he is there, he takes precidence.  If he decides the situation is too much for him... he can allow her to take over.

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