Who do you Trust to Carry out Your Wishes?
I have done all the necessary paperwork and my husband is the person I assigned to make my end of life decisions when I cannot make them for myself. I made that decision 7 years ago when BC reared its ugly head for a second time. This is a second marriage for me. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years, but my three children were fathered biologically by my first husband. My current husband raised them, and they are all very close to him.
My husband's mind seems to be slipping. I'm not sure if it is stress or if he is developing early alzheimers. His short term memory is failing fast. He has forgotten to pick up grandchildren after school even though he spoke to them only a few hours previously. He has started writing everything down. He often denies that he has forgotten things. Of course I am worried about him but selfishly I am worried that I cannot count on him to make the decisions that he and I agreed to. I know if I mention this to him he will deny it, and I am afraid I will hurt him if I change my directive to one of my children. I have three children, the oldest a girl and then two boys. I am close to all of them and that would make it hard to chose among them.
I'd appreciate any insights you all might have.
Carol
Comments
-
If you add a Living Will your wishes will be outlined so there is no decision to be made.
-
I have a living will, but it is my understanding that a live husband can over-ride it. That hospice or hospitals will do what the husband/child in the room says to do. They are afraid of being sued.
-
This raises another question. When do we decide to issue a DNR? I am scared that they will try to keep me going, when I should be let go.
Do you have a sibling that could do it?
-
I asked my oncologist about doing a DNR when I was diagnosed with mets. She said it was too soon because if I was in a car wreck in the near future I would still probably want to be resusitated. Good point, so I have held out for now, but we still didn't really decide when. Since I am going to do hospice sooner rather than later, and my onc has promised to let me know when she think things are winding down, that will be when I do it.
I also doubt my husband's ability to do what I want. Now he might say he is capable, but what will happen in the end when things are really bad? Nor do I want to ask my family or parents. I think it would be too much for my friends. I am thinking of my husband's aunt, who is a great person and works as a nurse in a hospice. She has already spoken to me about end of life issues, so I am considering asking her.
-
Pookies, I had never considered somebody outside my family. That might be a good idea. I have a psychologist friend whom I trust. It might actually be a relief to my family not to make the decisions. I just don't want to hurt any of them. This damn illness has done enough of that.
The DNR issue is really hanging over my head too. I recently went into the hospital for minor surgery and the issue arose. My surgeon felt strongly that I didn't want a DNR under those circumstances. So I resinded a DNR already in place. This whole issue is much more complicated than it seems on the surface.
-
My father has his best friend of many many years in charge of his medical decisions as stated in his living will, which may take alot of burden off of the family. My father`s father (my grandfather) had alzhiemer`s, which is probably why he named is friend. I don`t feel hurt or upset by his decisions in any way. Tough decisions you are facing, I hope you find the answers soon and feel at peace. God Bless.
-
My feeling is that once i get to the hospice level of care, then a DNR. Until then, shock away boys!! I have toalked to my dh about this, but he is further down the Nile then me! I keep thinking that lung mets means I have a while to go....well see
randie
-
thanks for your input DaughterMom.
Randie, I'll have to think about the hospice level of care as the signal for a DNR.
Randie, I also have lung mets. Diagnosed October '07. I was dismayed at first when given a short time frame, but now I am very optimistic and hoping for a "long while to go" as you put it:)
Carol
-
I have lung mets and I have been here 3 yrs since dx. I have my friend and my husband named. If he is not there or unreachable she can make the decision. If he is there, he takes precidence. If he decides the situation is too much for him... he can allow her to take over.
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team