What do you do when your partner isn't supportive?

I'm so sorry you are going through this ....all I can say is how selfish is your husband, he's the one who needs to get over it. You need to take care of yourself, and for GOD SAKES stop cooking and cleaning for this selfish bastard!!!!!!!! Do you have any other family? you need to find support where you can.

Dogmom,

Take care of YOURSELF.  My DH doesn't want to hear much, but he is okay with me not doing the regular stuff.  You have cancer...tell him.  He needs to deal with it.  He leaves town when you need him?  He's probably freaked at the dx.. after all you are the bread-winner.  My guess... you need to  actually tell him how you feel... or spell out what you need him to do for you.  Although I had support from my dh... he just didn't want to know a lot.  So I had to tell him....what to do and what not to do.  It acutally worked out.  Hope things are better for you. It's a combination of fear and being a big jerk!  S***w him.. Motrin is big drugs??????  (woops, sorry, I'm usually not that judgemental) Hey...stop getting jobs.  Tell him to get them. (was being bad again...sorry.) Phyllis

Dogmom ~ Most facilities that treat bc have psychologists or social workers (the title will depend on the facility) on staff and available to help you through a lot of the emotional issues that come along with bc.  I've been treated at two places, and they are very accessible at both, and included as part of your care (no charge).   You might see if there's someone like that where you are being treated (hopefully there is), and just have a chat with them.  They can be very insightful, have no doubt seen & heard it all before, and hopefully can give you some coping strategies. 

You might also look into is the support groups offered where you are.  In addition to support groups for bc, some hospitals also have separate groups for families or anyone affected by cancer.  You might have a hard time getting your DH to go, but if he feels the need to learn more or talk, maybe he would.

There's also a book called The Cancer Husband.  It's written by a man for a man, and comes highly recommended by the bc psychologists. 

I don't think this is the time for marriage counseling, per se, or even seeing an outside counselor who deals in a wide range of issues.  What you are going through requires the expertise of the kind of person who deals with bc and its specific affects on you and your family.

Have you talked to your DH about his hurtful words and behavior?  Have you been honest with him about how you feel and the kind of support you really need from him?  You really do need to voice your needs and let him know that his attitude is not cutting it with you.      Deanna  

I can relate. My DH dropped me off today at the hospital and went to work. I had my port out. He said 'its no big deal'. Didn't even see me in to register. I called a friend to pick me up. I realize that I am on my own and am trying not to expect anything from him. If you expect nothing,you won't be disappointed!

D

mfgibby ~  Sorry to hear that your DH also hasn't been supportive where you feel you need his help.  Have you talked to him about what would be helpful to you?  Sometimes guys just don't naturally get it, which can be disappointing because we think they should and it's hard to ask when we think they should see our needs without being told.  But I would hope that if you told your DH how you feel -- that you may not look sick, but that treatment is extremely tiring, and that you would be grateful if he could (state where you need help), that he would step up to the plate.  We women are just so used to doing it all -- no matter how exhausted we are -- and we need to learn to ask for help at times like this.  Do you have any friends or neighbors who could watch your kids while you have your rads txs?  Again, I think people are very willing and even anxious to help if they just know what you need.

Dogmom ~  How're you doing?  We haven't heard from you in awhile.  Are things any better?  I hope so ~   Deanna

mf ~ Glad to hear that you got a little break!  I hope you let your DH know how much you appreciated what he did, and how helpful to your frame of mind and healing it is anytime he can give you a few minutes of  "me time."  I've been married 27 years, and it still amazes me how responsive my DH is to the simplest little (sincere) compliment or expression of appreciation.  I think we all need to know that we're appreciated.  Deanna 

Dogmom;

You sound like you have been going thru the same s&#@ I have. Like you I have no idea what to do, outside of filing for a divorce. I was DX with BC about 21 months ago. Since that time I have undergone 9 surgeries, and 5 rounds of chemo. My husband not only thinks I am making a "mountain out of a molehill" but the, get this, I caused the cancer in the first place - for attention! Can you believe that?

 I am still not very well, but returned to work in January, 2 days after yet another biopsy. I changed fields and am now teaching. I came home, one day after about a week and said I was upset about something that had happened that day, at work. My husband's reply, "I knew you wouldn't last 2 weeks." He had been talking about how quickly I would quit with MY SON.

He gave no thought to just what I might be going through. I went from surgery into a new profession in a couple days, not knowing the results of the biopsy. I am was and still am, working over 8 hours a day, and attending classes at night for my accreditation. I leave home at 6:30 and some nights don't return until 10:00 PM. Some days I get nothing to eat, outside of coffee and snacks at work. 

I've been having very severe headaches, and of course fear it's the cancer again. To make things even worse I was bitten by something last week, we think it was a Black Widow Spider, and had to get ER care. Once again, my husband thought it was nothing.

He did drive me to the hospital when I had my 8-hour mastectomy, but soon as I was admitted, he left the hospital. He did not stay, in case they needed him for anything. (I also have a heart condition and a Pacemaker which made the surgery move involved as they need to relocate it to the other side of my body.)  He couldn't be bothered with going with me for chemo, I had to get either my son, who was also fighting cancer, or a friend and her husband to drive a great distance, to take me. However, when our adult son had his chemo, my DH was present every time. 

You didn't address your physical relationship. My DH has not touched me since I was Dx with BC. Not even before the mastectomy.  This same thing happened with my parents. Mom lost one breast and my father never sleep with her again. I am not just talking about sex, but he never would sleep in the same bed.

My dh had a hernia surgery a couple weeks ago. I drove him to the hospital and home after. He got into the car and immediately called his mother then some other people, not even talking to me, except to watch the bumps as I was driving. When we got home he sat on the sofa and went right to his laptop. I mentioned (1/2 joking and trying to get a point across) the bathroom floor needed to be washed, he could wait until the next day. He came back with, "I just had surgery". He never caught the point I was trying to make. There he sat with 2 tiny band aids, and back to his computer within about 2-3 hours after surgery...no problem. But when I had 13 incisions on my chest from my mastectomy, drains and everything else we go thru, he complained when I asked him to please wash the floor.

Men! I thought his surgery would make him more understanding of what I had been through. However it did not. By the way, my husband is a ships captain and gone for about a week or two then home for only a few days; You'd think he'd be more carrying. It could be the last time he sees me, but no sure luck.

I better post this before I reread it or I'll delete it. 

What the hell is wrong with these men?!!  Especially the husbands that vowed to be there for better or worse, in sickness and in health?!!  It seems it is a rare occasion that one actually steps up.  I thought my husband was that man, but alas it was all a big lie.  I ignored a lot of hurtful issues that happened during my treatment, and thought it was just how he was.  He decided to walk out 1 surgery short of my breast reconstruction being finished.  Looking back, there were plenty of signs he was not handling this well and would never be strong enough to deal with the unknown associated with this diagnosis.  He never saw or even asked to see any of my scars or the reconstruction.  We stopped having sex shortly after my diagnosis.  I began to feel really depressed and thought that I was a burden to him.  When he left, he blamed it all on me, and because my self esteem was non existent at the time, I believed him which sent me into a downward spiral.  It took such a long time to even get to the point that I no longer believe his leaving had anything to do with me but with his being a weak coward!! 

Thanks for the support, Navygirl.  I would have loved to been able to talk it out even if the outcome would have been the same.  I have lots of unresolved issues and I now must find a way to resolve them on my own.  I agree, walking out is not the answer.  What has been the hardest part for me, is after having loved and trusted this man to be there for me, he could just walk away.  Many times during treatment, the thought that at least I had him, us against the world, is what helped me get through.  It was all a lie.  I can really only count on myself.  Going forward, I have no qualms about being able to say goodbye to someone who doesn't respect the fact that I am a strong independent person who doesn't need someone to take care of me.  What I want is someone to appreciate this about me and wants to be my equal.  There to back me up if I should need it, but not to rescue me.  Love me for who I am and all my quirks, faults and battle scars.  And strong enough to handle whatever may come in the future.  I don't think that is too much to ask.  I think it would be great to have a topic just for the men to be able to talk about there thoughts in being with someone (dating or married) they met after being diagnosed with breast ca. 

Sorry to hear about everyones husbands... but on the other hand its good to know I am not alone.. hubby and I haven't been intimate in years  he did go to counseling once and said no more ( I still go).. When I first told him of my DCIS dx..  he gave me a "What now" look/attitude.. after talking with a friend of his he came back and said I didn't have real cancer  because I didn't need chemo (his friends wife did).. He came to one appointment and after that said I don't know if he can make any more cause he is  afraid of being laid off..

Low and behold who stayed home from work 3 days  the next week because he was sick! But not sick enough to stay home from his "Mans club" those three nights. He did manage to come with me for my lumpectomy.. came home got my meds and complained about his wait time and and hour later was off to the club again.. so I was home all alone the first night. 

Results from lumpectomy showed IDC so have my surgery scheduled for April 17  for SNB and for clean margins.. told him  and again with the "What now" look. Will he take me? Most likely its a Friday and if we get home early enough he can get to his club!

I have implants and as a result of the lumpectomy the left one deflated!.. I thought it was funny.. as i was poking it like a bowl of jello.. I told him about it he said " I told you not to get them!" and nothing more.. So I have decided only to inform him of the things like surgery. It is during this time I am going to think seriously about this marriage. I dont need anyone who cant give me a at least little unconditional support and humor Thanks for listening/reading

I understand your pain. My DS also has cancer and last night had a meltdown. He was crying and he told me "Don't you get it?!? Dad is embarrasses by us having cancer. We are weak because we are sick and he can't stand being with us!" Though I have felt that, I never knew he could fell it too! It broke my heart to hear him say that! And he is right. My DH is embarrassed by me. Tomorrow we go to a big work dinner for him. I know he will criticize how I dress. I swear, if he says one word, I will walk out!!

D

I did talk to hubby a few months before I was DX and told him how unhappy I was with the marriage .. he on the other hand says he is perfectly fine with the way things are... that I cant understand.. wont even hold my hand, talk to me, or do anything with me.. It is like we are room mates that really don't like each other but put up with each other..

My therapist says I should just focus on me at the moment and after I am done with treatments and surgeries then start thinking about the marriage..

Its not like he has to come with me or be there 24/7.. but sheesh at least ask me how my appointments are, and what the Drs plan to do  he never does

Its a good thing that we can come to this site and gripe about them.. It might not solve our problems  but I think it does us good not to hold on to things that upset us   It is always good to know we are not alone.