What did your loved one do/leave behind?

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saint
saint Member Posts: 1,877

Many stage IV sisters are trying to decide how to make our passing easier for our loved ones.  I would like to invite ANYONE & EVERYONE who has walked the last journey with a loved one to tell us from YOUR perspective what we should be doing for our loved ones. What did your parent or spouse (or other) do & say? What was wonderful for you to have after--what do you wish they had left for you, but didn't? I think as a friend, spouse, sister & mother I would like to hear from friends, spouses, siblings & children who have lost their loved ones in order to better understand what my decisions for my family & friends may mean to them after I am gone!

HUGS--be well & stay strong! 

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  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited March 2009

    When my brother knew his time was near, he would call and talk to me for hours about whatever was going thru his mind.  When I got "the call" that he was in the ICU and not going to make it..I went straight up there. The nurses were preparing to put a tube down his throat. Before they did my brother told them he wanted to talk to me first, as he wouldnt be able to speak once the tube was inserted. He looked up at me and said " I love you and I love Bob (my hubby) and all your kids and I have had the best sister that anyone could ever ask for...I love you"   . He died before the tube was ever removed. What better gift for me than to have my brother's last words to be that he loved me? He left me with a heart full of good memories. I have always been so grateful that he made sure and certain that I knew he loved me and my family. No matter what we do or go thru with our families..we must make sure they know that our love is boundless and we will always love them. Personally I set alot of stuff out..things like little gifts my kids gave me over the years and pictures from good times we had. My family loves seeing those things and it makes them know that I treasured every phase of their lives. Hugs, Mazy

  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited March 2009

    Mazy.... that is wonderful.  Your brother gave you a most gracious gift.  I'm sure you pull that memory out and cherish it whenever you think of him.

  • DaughterMom
    DaughterMom Member Posts: 160
    edited March 2009

    Oh Saint, you are a Saint indeed.  I have been sitting here thinking about your post, and you brought a smile to my face.  About two years ago my mother sent me a package in the mail.  It was an envelope filled with happy memories.  I was suprised to recieve this, as my mother rarely sent me letters and such, other than birthday cards.  In the envelope were old drawings and stories that I created from grade school, various report cards, pictures from when we were little, my baptismal certificate, health records, and It's a Girl birth announcements.  She kept everything!!  What fun I had going through the package, and sharing with my own kids.  Now that I think about, she must have known that she was not well back then,  she didn't really know what was wrong with her, but she knew.  I am guessing that it was her way of preparing.  I never thought of that until now.  These are just material things, most important, what I will cherish is my mothers love and devotion to her family, and her never ending attitude to be happy with what you have now, and to never complain about what you don't have.  Now, of couse, my mother is still with us, but we know she will be in heaven soon, and it is a sad time, but it is also a time of sharing and remembering.  She still has a box full of memories here, and we've been digging through it lately.  Happy memories!   God Bless!

  • Fllorik
    Fllorik Member Posts: 1,351
    edited March 2009

    I wish my mom (83yrs) would write down or record information about her life and growing up. Once she is gone, the family history will be too.

  • Deb-from-Ohio
    Deb-from-Ohio Member Posts: 1,140
    edited March 2009

    My Daddy in Sept of 2007 was fine..he went in for a bypass on his leg. Came out and a month later started losing weight and all, then he fell...Took him to doctors, found out he had hepatitis. How he got this, we have no idea, we suspect when he had the bypass. At any rate it turned into liver cancer, having lost Mom 10 yrs prior who he was married to for 50 yrs, he told us he wouldn't fight it, he was lonely, he missed Mom and wanted to be with her. So in less then 3 months he went from healthy to being gone.

    This is more of what I wish they would have done. While I realize that a funeral is for the living, and they're not really at the gravesite, it's more comforting to have closure and a place to go where you can at least feel you're visiting them. My parents both went the "Donate the body to science" program to save "us" from spending all that money, etc, etc...Sure they have a lot where the ashes are buried, but there are like 50 people in one plot..how are you supposed to know exactly where your loved one is? I just really hate this. I wish they would have had a funeral and a gravesite to go visit them at. My brothers both feel the same way. We did have a memorial for Dad, but saying goodbye to a picture is not the same thing.

    The thing my Dad did leave me was his eternal friendship, we were best friends when he passed.

    Love, Hugs and Prayers

    Deb

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited March 2009

    My Dad took 2 1/2 years to die from lung cancer. He was miserable and bitchy the whole time. What surprised me is that my step-mother told everyone he never complained. Near the end I would visit him at home but he would make me leave the room as I had "too much energy". Then once he introduced me to his home nurse as his daughter "the mouth". All that really hurt. Then when my sister came up from the States she was the sainted one. Everyone fawned on how wonderful it was that she was there for her Dad at the end. Meanwhile, I'd been there all along! I was wondering if my Dad would have a heartfelt "talk" to me before he died. But all he did was bitch and yell at me while I was with him in the hospital for the 3 days before he died. So I have very bad memories of my Dad passsing. I had hoped for a favourite fishing rod of his that I used for over 40 years with him, but when my brother found out I wanted it he took it early so it was gone. My sister also took his watch before he died. So I really have nothing but bad memories...

    My mother died in 10 days and was just slipping into a coma when I got to Vancouver from Toronto. I had nothing passed to me from her either. My step-father even mailed us all copies of her will so we could see that she wasn't holding out on us! I have nothing from her either...

    I would have liked a piece of jewelry that she had saved for me. Or SOMETHING!

    I think a personal choice of a family memento or jewelry that is chosen SPECIAL from a stash (doesn't have to have $$ value, just emotional value). Just MHO of course....

  • Deb-from-Ohio
    Deb-from-Ohio Member Posts: 1,140
    edited March 2009

    Oops Barbe reminded me, I do have my Mom's engagement and wedding rings.they go to my daughter when I pass on...........

  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited March 2009

    My grandmother asked each of her grandkids and great grandkids what small momento we would like to have when she passes. She put a piece of tape under each item with our name on it. She also tried to mark our name on things we had given her over the years so we would get it back, which I thought was nice. My grandfather had died years ago and I was given his favorite handkerchief and my hubby was given his favorite tie clasp. When Grandma died she had a handerkerchief left for me that was hers. I keep those hankies together and lay them on top of Grandpa's bible. That is my favorite family treasure.

    Barbe, I have had some disappointing moments like that in my life too. The way I get over it is that I do things right by my family. I dont want my family ever saying those bad things about me. My dad and I had a relationship very similar to yours. I feel for you. You did what was right and thats all you could do. Hugs, Mazy

  • Fllorik
    Fllorik Member Posts: 1,351
    edited March 2009

    Have you ever thought of sewing the hankies together and make a pillow or wall hanging from them?

    My mom took all my dad's ties and made the most beautiful wall hanging from them!

  • DaughterMom
    DaughterMom Member Posts: 160
    edited March 2009

    Speaking of jewellery, my Granny had a beautiful family ring.  She had 14 children, so you can image the colors of all the birthstones.  She told my oldest sister that she would leave it for her.  But, I guess she never told anyone, and she was buried wearing the ring.  I was secretly upset when I noticed the ring on her finger at the service, but what could I do at that point.  It could have been a beautiful family heirloom. 

    Mazy, I always joke with my father that I am putting sticky notes (with my name) on some of artwork that he owns

  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited March 2009

    Hey Daughter,

    Are you sure the ring wasn't removed before the final closing of the casket? It is quite common here for the deceased family member to wear the jewelry, etc for viewing purposes only and then the funeral director usually is the one who removes it and gives it to the husband or etc.

    Florik, the hankies are just small regular hankies..I have another hankie from my great grandmother and I had thought of making them into something but I have 3 kids...so it may be best to leave them as is and then they each can have one..LOL that way they wont fight.

    Saint..this is great..thank you

  • NancyD
    NancyD Member Posts: 3,562
    edited March 2009

    My mother's will was pretty standard. Everything went to my father. But there were a lot of her personal items that he didn't want, and she didn't give any directive for their distribution. Since my brothers had no interest, either, in her costume jewelry or clothes, my sisters and I came up with a good solution. We laid out everything and each took a turn picking out one piece until it was gone or there was nothing anyone wanted left. The oldest got to pick first, and then it went in age order.

    My MIL put little tags on her jewelry and personal items designating who she wanted them to go to. But there wasn't much left because she had been giving it to her grandchildren over the years, which was a nice way to distribute them. She got the pleasure of seeing their faces or receiving notes of thanks.

    Personally, I think my children would appreciate it if I did advance planning, making all the arrangements for my funeral. I don't have a spouse to take care of those things, and they're still well under 30. I think they would be so emotionally devastated that they would not be in a proper frame of mind to deal with it all.

    My mother started memory boxes for each child in a fit of Spring Cleaning years before she died. We only got them after she died so it was bittersweet going through them and seeing what she had saved for each of us. It was obvious that some siblings had more things saved than others...I don't think it meant they were more loved, but it did have a devisive feeling after all was said and done. If you go this route, be sure to try to keep things equal if you have more than one child.

    One thing I cherish: when my mother was dying, we all gathered at the family home and took turns sitting with her or lying next to her. Due to the nature of her cancer, she couldn't speak, but we all took turns telling stories and reminiscing. My siblings (we're seven), our spouses, grandchildren...we all gathered to be with her and she let us have that privilege.

  • NYCarol
    NYCarol Member Posts: 347
    edited March 2009

    My Mom died two years ago.  She was so very special in every way.  She wasn't much of a collector and "things" were not very important to her.  Before she died she gave me her wedding and engagement ring, and she gave my sister her pearl necklace and earrings.  Those were the only valuable jewelry pieces she had. 

    I had the rings taken apart, the gold melted down into a heart shape, and the diamonds set on the heart.  While Mom was still alive, I gave the necklace to my daughter at Christmas with Mom there.  Both of them were so very happy.  You would have thought I gave them each a million dollars.  The last year of my Mom's life my daughter would visit with her and take notes on her life.  I have those notes and hope to get them into some kind of order and get them typed up for everybody.

    Mom also gave me a few beautiful serving pieces in heavy crystal.  I treasure those and will pass them on.  When my Dad died Mom passed on a few of his treasures.... an old German clock, a ring and a 100 year old billards table to my sons. 

    My family share one piece of furniture....an antique hand turned cherry crib.  On the bottom there is a brass plate and every childs name gets engraved on it once they have slept in it.  Five generations to date!  This simply gets passed on for safe keeping to the family with the newest baby.  It truly is cherished.

    I have a letter from my Dad.  The only one he ever wrote me.  He congratulated me on making hte deans list in college. 

    Sorry for rambling.  I'm glad my Mom passed on some things while she was still alive, and I'm doiing the same.

    Carol

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited March 2009

    Carol, that was all wonderful! What a nice family legacy you are all building. 

  • Not-Me
    Not-Me Member Posts: 198
    edited March 2009

    I have a few things from my grandparents...a picture that was hanging in their living room.  I love this picture and it now hangs in my guest bedroom.  And I have my grandmother's cook book complete with some clipped out newspaper recipes.  And a bell from my grandfather.  From my other grandmother, a sliver cross necklace.  I cherish all of these items.

    I will tell you that at one time my grandfather moved to AZ and due to a condition could not write letters (before cell phones).  He would tape record a letter and send it home, and then my mom (and siblings) would tape record one in return.  My uncle kept these and burned some CDs for us...I love listening to my grandfather on long road trips.

    When my husband's mother passed about 18 months ago, the step father did not give him any thing.  He sold everything.  My husband did take a small bird that he found in her jewelry box and kept a plate that she sent home one with some food on it.  He uses it often. 

  • Dejaboo
    Dejaboo Member Posts: 2,916
    edited March 2009

    My Mom died 17 years ago.  She was DX with Cancer (not bc) and Died 9 months later.

    She had my 2 sisters & I all sat down with her about 2 months before she died & she had us go over everything that meant anything to us. Jewelry(nothing of big Value) Paintings, Furniture, Family Heirlooms, Etc.

    We decided with her who got what.  She did not want ANY fights after she was gone.  Im very glad she did that.  I see many families torn apart over belongings after.   She also felt better knowing it was all decided on.

    She also planned her Celebration of Life.  She picked out her Own Music & each song was so 'her'   She also decided who would be invited to her service. She did not want people she hadnt been friends with for years to come now.  Some people thought that was wierd or rude.  But it was my Mom & that was fine with us.   if they werent around in the last few years- especially when she had cancer...

    My sister died unexpectedly 4 years later.  She was very far away from me- In Alaska.  her boyfriend later boxed up some of her small things...Jewelry & such & sent it to me.  I treasure that Box.

    I wish I could get my Dad to write down or record some family stories & history...He still has a good Memory & my Sister & I dont.  I have asked him...he hasnt : (

    Pam

  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited March 2009

    Pam,

    Try taking a tape recorder over to your Dad's and just start reminiscing..I had an aunt who often told stories and some of us would take notes. She remembered alot of details such as fetching water from a pond, how the fences were built back then etc. You all have some really neat ideas. Hugs, Mazy

  • saint
    saint Member Posts: 1,877
    edited March 2009

    HUGS ALL! I love what you each have shared here! Some of these suggestions will surely be incorporated into some ppl's plans.

    My mon was such an Irish goddess LOL! My WHOLE life she had a list of who-got-what in her jewelry box. We all heard it so much most of us knew where each item was going even if it wasn't to us! We knew that this ring or that pendant was ours, yet when she was nearing death she & my sister sat down & she bagged & tagged a lot of the costume stuff for each of us with the "good stuff"

    One of the things I found years ago was a "Grandmother's Stories for her Granddaughter" It was a lovely journal with illustrations (Kinkaid?) & questions printed on each page for her to answer for my dd. Things like: what was your favorite candy; first kiss, best movie etc. I LOVE reading it--but she never got very far into it b4 she couldn't do it anymore........

    The family history is one of the things I worry most about. My dh has done some geneology (SP?), but it's the STORIES I'm afraid will be lost..... 

    Thanx everyone for sharinag--I hope we continue to get & give ideas for "posterity"......

    HUGS=be well & stay strong 

  • Dejaboo
    Dejaboo Member Posts: 2,916
    edited March 2009

    " questions printed on each page for her to answer for my dd. Things like: what was your favorite candy; first kiss, best movie etc. I LOVE reading it--but she never got very far into it b4 she couldn't do it anymore"

    Very good point Saint.

    That is one thing that really bums me out about my Mom.  I dont know the answer to so many of those simple questions like that.  Her Favorite color, favorite song, food, etc.

    I forgot I started a list of my Answers to simple things like that for my Kids...I have no Idea where it is- Ill have to restart it.

    Thanks Mazy,

    We have thought about taping my Dad.  We only seem to see him at his house  a few times a year & then its always a Holiday.  We need to make point to visit just to hear & tape stories.

    Pam Smile

  • ElaineD
    ElaineD Member Posts: 2,265
    edited March 2009

    I'd just like to share a very strange experience-opinions and thoughts most welcome.

    Mum died of BC  on her 50th birthday. She had been at home, but was admitted to hospital the day before she died. The docs felt that she had weeks left. At that time we were living several hundred miles away.As soon as we heard the news, we decided to travel up the next day (we had planned on going anyway for her birthday, but not until the weekend).

    However, she died early morning, and so I never saw her again-or did I? I awoke at 6am, feeling extremely calm (I had also, amazingly, managed to sleep). I felt the most enormous feeling of peace and relief. "Why am I worrying, Mum will be ok, of course she will...", went through my head. After a few seconds, I had the most dreadful fear, and rushed to the phone to call the hospital. They asked me to hold for a short time-and then told me that Mum had passed away just a few minutes previously.

    I genuinely believe that she came to me, and told me not to worry, as she was going to be ok....Don't think she could have left me a better "present".....

  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited March 2009

    I remember feeling that way when my grandfather died. I just knew when I woke up that morning. A sense of peace that he was gone washed over me.  During the week he was in the hospital, my stomach was in knots. It wasn't that I was afraid he was going to die, it was the frickin process.

  • flfish
    flfish Member Posts: 423
    edited March 2009

    Oh, all these are wonderful ideas.  My mother died of BC 11 years ago.  Before she died, she had gone through all her children's photos, report cards etc and gave us each our own "box" of our personal items that she had saved.  She also gave my father boxes of her journals (on standard notebooks).  She had written in them on and off since high school and during their 46 year marriage.  What a wonderful look we had into mom's life.  I am so grateful that she took it upon herself to leave us with such grace and memories. 

  • lisa-e
    lisa-e Member Posts: 819
    edited March 2009

    My mother died of lung cancer about five years ago.  The one thing I really appreciated is that her will was very simple and clear.  My sister was the executor of her estate and the clarity of the will made things much easier.  

    My mom was not into possessions, so her will didn't mention any items other than her financial assets and house.  There are a few items that my stepdad has that I am would like to get at some point.  One is a painting of my mom as a young girl, probably about 13 .  The other things I am interested in is her running journals (she was a marathon runner).  I haven't asked my stepdad about the painting or the journals but I will at some point. 

    When my sister was cleaning out my mom's house, she found some family photos.  She had copies made for all of us (I am one of four daughters).  My stepdad made a memory book and gave us all copies.  There were some pictures of my mom that I had never seen, including one of her drinking beer on a beach with some young men in Mexico.   

  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited March 2009

    My sister passed last week of stage 4 emphysema and I was shocked to learn she had no insurance and no finances to pay for her funeral/burial.......It cost her daughter almost $8000 to bury her........I have decided I am going to start a burial fund for myself as I know I will go before my husband....I don't want this to happen to him and my daughter.........When my mother passed she had a will but did not probate it.....I seriously urge all of you to probate your wills.....My oldest sister took our mom's will and never let anyone read it .....She decided who got what instead of obeying our mom's wishes.....It was a real mess.......I won't go into gorry details but it split the family up........Hope this helps too........

    Edited to add...I saw the angels when they took my sister...They were a beautiful rainbow of colors flashing around the room for about 10 seconds......It was wonderful to know she was ok and at peace at last........

  • Dejaboo
    Dejaboo Member Posts: 2,916
    edited March 2009

    Im so sorry to hear about your Sister Lucy.

    Unfortunately alot of Fights & broken families do occur after a loved on dies.

    My Mom was cremated.  Her Best Friend Found a Big Fat Vase that had a Cover.  It had Hummingbirds on it.

    After we buried my Mom- we all came back to our House.  And For the 1st time ever in our yard We saw a Hummingbird Flittering around my Flowers.  it was a wonderful Feeling.

    Years & years went by before we saw another hummingbird.

    Last Sept  just days before My Exchange Surgery I saw a Hummingbird outside my Window..Right here where I sit now.

    It brought such Peace over me.

    Pam

  • FLtricia
    FLtricia Member Posts: 140
    edited March 2009

    My father passed away 3 weeks ago.  He was 86 and had lung cancer among many other illnesses.  He was put in the hospital because he was halllucinating and agitated, didn't know who any of his family was.  They gave him 2 units of blood, and within 24 hours he was stronger, and lucid. 

    I went to see him, my mother left to get something at home, and we were alone.  For the first time ever, my father told me he was going to die.  (we both knew it, just never verbalized).  I teared up and he so sweetly told me not to cry for him, that he wasn't afraid to die, that he had a long God-blessed life. 

    He said he only told me in case I had something I wanted to say to him before he left.  So I told him how much I loved him, what a good father he was.  I also told him how much my children loved and admired him.  He smiled and said that made him feel so good.  I then said he would always be with me, and he said that's what he wanted, too.

    It was such a gift to be able to say those things to him.  The doctors told us he would decline quickly and he did.  He left the hospital for hospice.  I went with him the day he moved.  He was there exactly one week, and passed.  I wasn't there, only he and my mother.  I am at peace because I got to say to him whatever I needed to.  My mother said he passed very peacefully.  

    I miss him terribly, but I am relieved his suffering has ended and he's in a better place waiting for the rest of us. 

  • desdemona222b
    desdemona222b Member Posts: 776
    edited March 2009

    My mother died on March 7.  She made a list as to who would get what jewelry.  All of her bric-a-brac will be distributed among us upon the death of my father.

    She left me some beautiful jewelry - I look at it and just think, "Thanks, Mom."

    I left her bedside at my dad's urging and she died that night at the hospital.  Dad managed to get there on time because they called him and told him she would be gone shortly, but he would not let me or my daughter come with him.  Now I feel horrible about leaving her there alone - she would never have done that to me.  Cry

  • saint
    saint Member Posts: 1,877
    edited April 2009

    My mom said for years, "I don't want you kids to fight over stuff when we're gone" She made my sister (her favorite) her executrix. Let me suggest that you NOT make a family member responsible for carrying out your wishes! A stranger has NO reason NOT to do as you wish, but family may in spite of the best intentions. My siblings ended up estranged from each other. I am the only one who talks to all 5 others! When I went to my priest about this (cuz 3 sisters brought in another lawyer) he asked me why I thought my parents had admonished us not to fight for all those years---smart counsel----they said it cuz they KNEW we would!!!!!!! It was inevitable-the dynamic was set in motion years b4!

    As for leaving your loved one alone to die--hugs! A good friend who is an onc nurse told me that MOST of her cancer patients don't seem to die until they are alone. Sometimes there are so many ppl there that they wait til the one person assigned to nite duty goes for coffee. They finish their lives b4 that person can get back! She belives this is no co-incidence, but the will of most of us to "go alone".......

    Be well & stay strong 

  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited April 2009

    Desdemona - I do not think anyone as loved as your mother was alone... she knew that your heart was in that room even if you weren't.

  • saint
    saint Member Posts: 1,877
    edited April 2009

    so well said dream---and she now sees all things clearly & KNOWS your heart! HUGS

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