GGRRRRR- Husband rant!

Hi Robyn

I know how you feel.  You absolutely have the right to be pissed and worried and have down days.  I honestly don't know if anyone else would understand that, unless they've been in your shoes.  I remember a similar situation with my husband.  They day we met with the surgeon two years ago and he pointed out all the areas on the mammogram where there was cancer - told me that a mastectomy was my only option.  I sort of knew he was going to say that, but couldn't sleep that night.  It was very upsetting to learn I was going to lose a breast and then to try to figure out what to do about the other one was difficult.  My husband came downstairs and found me crying and gave me the speech "You are lucky it was found early, you'll be fine, don't be so negative, blah, blah blah".  Well I think I deserved one stinking day to be upset about it and I let him have it.  I needed him to say "THIS SUCKS" but he wasn't in that frame of mind, he was trying to be strong but thats not always what we need.  This DOES suck and I HAVE been positive through the whole ordeal (yes, twice) but we absolutely deserve and will have bad, down, days. 

I would just continue to talk with the sisters on the board.  People say how they think they would feel, but not going through it themselves - they'll never know.  I've never met with a support group other than here on-line, but maybe that would work for you too?  Talking to others in the same situation with the same concerns is best medicine.  I have a friend who is a 15 year survivor and she always has the best insight and seems to know exactly what to say.  Hang in there. 

Love, Laura

Robyn

I do know how you are feeling. It is just their way of dealing with bc. My husband has been(is) very supported durning the last 3 years. Durning my first diagnosis I was very strong and postive. Even with the second reoccurance I still remained strong and postive, but with this last reoccurance I have decided if I need have a pity party for my self I would, If I want to sit on the couch all day or stay up all night I will.  I finally had to sit my DH down about a month ago and explain again that this will never go away and he had better get his head out of the sand. I think he finally got it. I live out in the boonies so there is no support group here. This site has been a sanity saver for me.

It's so hard for our husbands to totally understand where we're coming from in all of this.  I think we have higher expectations for them than say for a friend or co-worker, b/c we figure, well he went through it with me, he gets my fears, yada, yada, yada.  I think that high expectation more often than not comes back to bite us in the butts, b/c in the end, nobody, absolutely NOBODY  is going to get our fears except for those of us who have personally walked through it.  That's why this board is so important to me.  I can "process" things I'm feeling here and then go do the laundry, KWIM?

Wow, Sue--I had to read that statement twice.  Yes, I guess he was trying to express his confidence that your PET would be normal...but, what a way to say it!

Robyn, I was dx'd and had a mast/SNB a year ago.  It took my dh a long time to "get it."  He just assumed (like most of the rest of the planet) that surgery would take care of everything, and if the surgeon "got it all", I would be fine.  Chemo was not on his radar at all, so when my onco recommended 4 rounds of TC because of my Oncotype score, that was quite a surprise.

Our most difficult conversations had to do with my sense of doom. He just didn't understand why I was so worried about a recurrence. (I've calmed down about that since then.  A year can make a lot of difference.)  My dh is data-oriented, so I had to show him the numbers.  Likelihood of recurrence after 5 years, then 10 years ... then the studies that came out late last year saying women with ER+ tumors might never be able to relax completely.  There really is no "cure" for breast cancer; and we can't assume it won't come back if we're clear for 5 years, especially if it was an ER+ tumor.

He gets it now. He even understands why I get gloomy from time to time, and why I occasionally worry about the future, even though I'm fine right now. But, generally, he's an optimist, and he would understand the comment from Sue's husband (except my dh doesn't worry about his cholesterol, either.) 

otter 

Hi Robyn!

Although I got my "rant" out on the other "rant - jerk" thread I am so glad you got this one going too. It is so helpful to hear so many other women talk about similar feelings!

Hope you're having a great day!

xoxo,

Carole

Robyn,

First comment, I am a Taurus too, so I definitely relate.  Second comment, THANK YOU FOR STARTING THIS THREAD!!!

I too have a wonderful  husband and he has been very supportive, but...........................

Part of the problem is he is suffering through this as well so sometimes I feel I need to be more aware of him.  No, he hasn't ever said that, but I know from 35 years together that this man is so afraid of losing me and me going through anything terrible,

I am very fortunate.   I have three great adult children (31, 29,28) who have been my lifeline.  I was so scared when this started that I didn't even realize that I had done role reversal and completely depended upon then emotionally.  I told them every little detail, every single day, never thinking about my role as a mom to try to shield them from pain and worry.   I needed them.  Well guess what, they have been terrific and have run with the ball.   I am so very proud of them and know that I am so lucky to have them.

I have recently finished radiation and finished chemo early January.  I have now landed in the worry pit.  Just yesterday I had my hubby feel what I think is a lump near the original site.  I did have a PA check it when I finished rads last Monday and he did not think it was cancer, probably scar tissue.  Ahhhhhhh, that word "probably".  He said these feelings and fears are all very normal and I will have to be much further away from dx and tx to not be thinking about it all the time, but the day WILL  come.   I sure hope so.  I am also hoping that logically nothing could have survived in there through the 35 rads.

Yes, I have been mostly positive (even slipping into a little denial still) most of the time, but I am so glad to read about these feeling of fear and self pity..   Lately I have been hearing about recurrances and new dx's.  Not all are breast cancer, but I feel I am being surrounded by cancer.  Every day I read in the news about someone dying of this horrible beast.  I also know that right now I am noticing the negative and I am well aware that there are many success stories.  That's where I am  hopefully heading, but it is a bumpy ride and I feel like I am on a local and I want to board the express train.   I guess it doesn't matter as long as we arrive.

Wishing you all good health and a bright future.

Caren

I am soooo thankful for this site and the forums and mostly for everyone here.  I find that everyday I am on these sites and everyday I find someone who thinks, feels, expresses EXACTLY what I am experiencing.  I am moved to tears that someone really understands the fears I have, the denial, the anger at my dear husband(who tries so hard but is oftentimes clueless), the feeling of abandonment from friends and so and so forth.

Caren, I also see the negative so much these days as well.  I don't know why.  I have always been such a positive person .  I don't feel I can talk with DH about it because he doesn't get it.  I thought it was just him and am reassured that others hubbys are the same.  All I can say, as I choke back and hide my tears, is thank you thank you thank you dear sisters!

i have had great support thruout from my husband- but thats about it,   everyone else seems to think my worries are over and cant understand my "down" times.   I lost my job and feel useless at times, have been job searching, but with no luck. i am a nurse and i am used to taking care of patients, not being one.   i worry alot about recurrence and find it difficult to feel like a survivor,   last herceptin was may 2008.  i now take letrozole daily and continue to see breast surgeon and onc.