Coming to terms with being Triple Neg

I haven't posted in awhile. I had gotten copies of my pathology reports from the core needle biopsy, so I knew ER/PR were both negative. Well, PR was weakly positive. I didn't know the HER2 results until we had our first appointment with the breast surgeon on 3/23. I immediately adored her! I was so glad for that! Makes this so much easier when we like and trust the people whose hands we put our lives into. She was so incredibly positive.

When I found out for sure I was triple negative, I was a little freaked. She asked me why that scared me so badly and I told her I had read some pretty negative stuff on the internet. She loves that I do read and study BC on the internet, but she also told me to stay away from the negative stuff, especially about the triple neg. She didn't seem all that concerned about it. She did tell me we will hit it very aggressively with chemo because of the TN. The breast cancer team will meet on 3/31 to discuss my case and come up with a treatment plan. We will see her again that afternoon to discuss the recommendations for treatment. Definitely chemo. Possibly lumpectomy, chemo and rads. Or mastectomy and I thought I understood her to say that if we do mastectomy, no rads, but I'm not sure.

That first meeting is definitely information overload and I had studied a lot. I can't imagine how it must be for someone who doesn't research first. My sweet hubby took notes on everything, but it was a lot of info to take in.  

That same day I also had blood work and a breast MRI. No results of those yet. I guess I won't know about those until we meet with her again on 3/31. She also ordered two other tests to determine if it's true basal like. I don't even remember what she said about that.

My surgery is scheduled for 4/23 although we don't know yet what surgery I will be having. So many decisions left to make and no clue how to make this major decision of lumpectomy vs mastectomy. I think she said we could do a lumpectomy and SNB and then do a mastectomy later based on what we find. She did say lumpectomy with rads had a 7% recurrence rate and mastectomy had 3 to 4%. My first instinct was to take them out- both of them although right breast is fine. Now, I'm not so sure.  

She said chemo would start a month or two after surgery. Chemo would be 3 to 6 months total. Treatments would be 3 weeks apart. My hospital likes to wait on reconstruction until after chemo if we go that route. I'm okay with that. She told me I would lose my hair. No news there. I'm looking at options for that too, but buying a wig or tying a scarf is something I have zero experience with.  

Based on what she knows now, she is giving me an 80% survival rate. I'm giving myself 100%. ;-) 

I am still in that dark place where I don't really know the extent of what I am dealing with. Not knowing the node involvement/possible spread is so scary. I had the Xanax Rx for over two weeks before I finally took one. It helped, so I am taking them twice a day now. I have 1 mg tabs that I cut in half, so I am only taking a total of 1 mg a day. It helps, but it makes me sleepy. I hated taking them until the breast surgeon pointed out to me that I am making myself anxious over taking anti-anxiety meds. ;-)  I feel like there is so much I need to do before this really gets started, but I find myself just sitting and reading and thinking most days. It is still so surreal because I feel absolutely fine. I feel 100% healthy, but I am not.

I am so blessed. I have a very large and very supportive family and a wonderful, wonderful husband who is my strength right now. I have great friends and so many people praying for me, some that I don't even know and I am on the prayer list of almost every church in town. I have wonderful insurance and for all that I have already been through and had done, I have paid $20. And really, I didn't even pay that because we have a benefits account through hubby's work that covers co-pays. I have a firm belief that I am going to live and get beyond this. I am so lucky and so blessed. 

But I am still so scared. This triple neg thing throws me. Sorry this got so long. I'm struggling today. But the good news is that my nephew is coming up to see me. He's like my own kid, so I am excited to see him. And I know that I will get the strength from somewhere to be happy and positive today because I don't want to scare him.

Hugs to all on this journey.

Mary