What do you do when your partner isn't supportive?
I am new to these boards and want to thank all of you who talk so openly about the issues I face.
My husband is completley nonpsupportive during this difficult time. Because my tumor was small and nothing became systemic, he thinks I am a "whiner." Even thougt the saline TEs are killing me--no sleep, no pain meds help, I am a walking zombie. He is 16 years older than I am and retired.He has nothing to do all day, yet I am expected to continue to get jobs (I am a freelance writer and artist) and clean the house, and cook the meals, and "move on, already." This is the worst part of my treatment--I never expected this to be so horrible.
Meanwhile, he leaves town at exactly the time I need him most (need a ride to see PS) and tells me I am a wimp because I take meds(Motrin.)
I wonder if any of you out there are going thru the same thing. Is this a response based on fear, or just someone being a complete jerk?
Comments
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I'm so sorry you are going through this ....all I can say is how selfish is your husband, he's the one who needs to get over it. You need to take care of yourself, and for GOD SAKES stop cooking and cleaning for this selfish bastard!!!!!!!! Do you have any other family? you need to find support where you can.
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If it were me, I'd take this as a wake-up call, and I'd be moving funds, looking at new housing, and making plans to jump ship. Your husband sounds like an ex-boyfriend of mine...which is a big part of why he's an EX-boyfriend. However, if you feel you want to remain in this marriage, I would insist on marriage counseling. That may help you determine if he is feeling fear or just being a jerk.
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Dogmom,
Take care of YOURSELF. My DH doesn't want to hear much, but he is okay with me not doing the regular stuff. You have cancer...tell him. He needs to deal with it. He leaves town when you need him? He's probably freaked at the dx.. after all you are the bread-winner. My guess... you need to actually tell him how you feel... or spell out what you need him to do for you. Although I had support from my dh... he just didn't want to know a lot. So I had to tell him....what to do and what not to do. It acutally worked out. Hope things are better for you. It's a combination of fear and being a big jerk! S***w him.. Motrin is big drugs?????? (woops, sorry, I'm usually not that judgemental) Hey...stop getting jobs. Tell him to get them. (was being bad again...sorry.) Phyllis
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If your DH's attitude is significantly different than it was pre-bc-dx, then it sounds like there might be something psychological going on -- like he's trying to minimize your bc so that it's not so scarry or overwhelming. Or maybe he's subconsciously angry with you for changing his vision of what his retirement would be like. I'm also wondering, since he's retired, what kind of support network he has right now.
No matter what is at the root of his behavior, someone needs to straighten him out. Your post doesn't make it clear what stage of treatment you're at and what you're still facing, but someone (maybe a supportive doctor, or bc psychologist or even a family member) needs to explain to your DH that this is a time when you cannot continue to do it all (as we women so often do), and that this is a time when you need to be cared for and let others do for you for a change, so that you can focus on your treatment and healing. Is there anyone who could talk to him and get that message across?
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Thanks for all the replies. Pre-cancer, my husband was not a very generous person with his time anyway, so I should have seen it coming. For some reason though, I really felt he would step up to the plate and that this would bring out the best in him. Not so. He may be clinically depressed--he has no real support system of his own and very few friends. There is absolutely no one who can talk to him that I can think of, and he probably won't go to counseling. Maybe I should go on my own?
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Anyone who called me a wimp for taking Motrin would find out really quickly just what a wimp I really am. It would not be a pretty scene.
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Dogmom ~ Most facilities that treat bc have psychologists or social workers (the title will depend on the facility) on staff and available to help you through a lot of the emotional issues that come along with bc. I've been treated at two places, and they are very accessible at both, and included as part of your care (no charge). You might see if there's someone like that where you are being treated (hopefully there is), and just have a chat with them. They can be very insightful, have no doubt seen & heard it all before, and hopefully can give you some coping strategies.
You might also look into is the support groups offered where you are. In addition to support groups for bc, some hospitals also have separate groups for families or anyone affected by cancer. You might have a hard time getting your DH to go, but if he feels the need to learn more or talk, maybe he would.
There's also a book called The Cancer Husband. It's written by a man for a man, and comes highly recommended by the bc psychologists.
I don't think this is the time for marriage counseling, per se, or even seeing an outside counselor who deals in a wide range of issues. What you are going through requires the expertise of the kind of person who deals with bc and its specific affects on you and your family.
Have you talked to your DH about his hurtful words and behavior? Have you been honest with him about how you feel and the kind of support you really need from him? You really do need to voice your needs and let him know that his attitude is not cutting it with you. Deanna
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I made the huge mistake of remarrying while undergoing treatment. My husband is about the biggest jerk I've ever met. He won't even let me talk about cancer or the treatments. My life is hell, and I am now done with treatments and trying to figure out how to move on with my life. I'm totally disillusioned!!!!
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I can relate. My DH dropped me off today at the hospital and went to work. I had my port out. He said 'its no big deal'. Didn't even see me in to register. I called a friend to pick me up. I realize that I am on my own and am trying not to expect anything from him. If you expect nothing,you won't be disappointed!
D
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I can relate. My husband has not been supportive at all. My family is not even in the same state, his family is near by and has not called to see how radiation is going. I have to take my three children 4-8-11 to my treatments every morning. (my hubby and I both work) and he almost always has something to do after work. I guess he feels I do not need help, since I do not appear sick and i am still working .
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mfgibby ~ Sorry to hear that your DH also hasn't been supportive where you feel you need his help. Have you talked to him about what would be helpful to you? Sometimes guys just don't naturally get it, which can be disappointing because we think they should and it's hard to ask when we think they should see our needs without being told. But I would hope that if you told your DH how you feel -- that you may not look sick, but that treatment is extremely tiring, and that you would be grateful if he could (state where you need help), that he would step up to the plate. We women are just so used to doing it all -- no matter how exhausted we are -- and we need to learn to ask for help at times like this. Do you have any friends or neighbors who could watch your kids while you have your rads txs? Again, I think people are very willing and even anxious to help if they just know what you need.
Dogmom ~ How're you doing? We haven't heard from you in awhile. Are things any better? I hope so ~ Deanna
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dlb823~ He did help tonight, he cleaned the kitchen after dinner, while I soaked in a relaxing bath. So for that I am grateful. I will take what I can get.
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mf ~ Glad to hear that you got a little break! I hope you let your DH know how much you appreciated what he did, and how helpful to your frame of mind and healing it is anytime he can give you a few minutes of "me time." I've been married 27 years, and it still amazes me how responsive my DH is to the simplest little (sincere) compliment or expression of appreciation. I think we all need to know that we're appreciated. Deanna
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Yes I did tell him how grateful I was. We have been married 12 years, he likes to feel appreciated as well. Tonight we had a make your own dinner night, everyone wanted something else, but it was easy and clean up was a breeze. Mary
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Dogmom;
You sound like you have been going thru the same s&#@ I have. Like you I have no idea what to do, outside of filing for a divorce. I was DX with BC about 21 months ago. Since that time I have undergone 9 surgeries, and 5 rounds of chemo. My husband not only thinks I am making a "mountain out of a molehill" but the, get this, I caused the cancer in the first place - for attention! Can you believe that?
I am still not very well, but returned to work in January, 2 days after yet another biopsy. I changed fields and am now teaching. I came home, one day after about a week and said I was upset about something that had happened that day, at work. My husband's reply, "I knew you wouldn't last 2 weeks." He had been talking about how quickly I would quit with MY SON.
He gave no thought to just what I might be going through. I went from surgery into a new profession in a couple days, not knowing the results of the biopsy. I am was and still am, working over 8 hours a day, and attending classes at night for my accreditation. I leave home at 6:30 and some nights don't return until 10:00 PM. Some days I get nothing to eat, outside of coffee and snacks at work.
I've been having very severe headaches, and of course fear it's the cancer again. To make things even worse I was bitten by something last week, we think it was a Black Widow Spider, and had to get ER care. Once again, my husband thought it was nothing.
He did drive me to the hospital when I had my 8-hour mastectomy, but soon as I was admitted, he left the hospital. He did not stay, in case they needed him for anything. (I also have a heart condition and a Pacemaker which made the surgery move involved as they need to relocate it to the other side of my body.) He couldn't be bothered with going with me for chemo, I had to get either my son, who was also fighting cancer, or a friend and her husband to drive a great distance, to take me. However, when our adult son had his chemo, my DH was present every time.
You didn't address your physical relationship. My DH has not touched me since I was Dx with BC. Not even before the mastectomy. This same thing happened with my parents. Mom lost one breast and my father never sleep with her again. I am not just talking about sex, but he never would sleep in the same bed.
My dh had a hernia surgery a couple weeks ago. I drove him to the hospital and home after. He got into the car and immediately called his mother then some other people, not even talking to me, except to watch the bumps as I was driving. When we got home he sat on the sofa and went right to his laptop. I mentioned (1/2 joking and trying to get a point across) the bathroom floor needed to be washed, he could wait until the next day. He came back with, "I just had surgery". He never caught the point I was trying to make. There he sat with 2 tiny band aids, and back to his computer within about 2-3 hours after surgery...no problem. But when I had 13 incisions on my chest from my mastectomy, drains and everything else we go thru, he complained when I asked him to please wash the floor.
Men! I thought his surgery would make him more understanding of what I had been through. However it did not. By the way, my husband is a ships captain and gone for about a week or two then home for only a few days; You'd think he'd be more carrying. It could be the last time he sees me, but no sure luck.
I better post this before I reread it or I'll delete it.
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Oh my gosh, Jean and Dogmom! Hugs go to both of you! Talk about stress plus, and abandonment!
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What the hell is wrong with these men?!! Especially the husbands that vowed to be there for better or worse, in sickness and in health?!! It seems it is a rare occasion that one actually steps up. I thought my husband was that man, but alas it was all a big lie. I ignored a lot of hurtful issues that happened during my treatment, and thought it was just how he was. He decided to walk out 1 surgery short of my breast reconstruction being finished. Looking back, there were plenty of signs he was not handling this well and would never be strong enough to deal with the unknown associated with this diagnosis. He never saw or even asked to see any of my scars or the reconstruction. We stopped having sex shortly after my diagnosis. I began to feel really depressed and thought that I was a burden to him. When he left, he blamed it all on me, and because my self esteem was non existent at the time, I believed him which sent me into a downward spiral. It took such a long time to even get to the point that I no longer believe his leaving had anything to do with me but with his being a weak coward!!
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WOW...a few weeks ago I was in the same position...although I have a g/f not a husband. I was even more upset because -in some odd way, if it was a man treating me that way I could have understood more, but the fact that it was a woman just made me even madder. Bottom line was/is...the dx is hard on those who love us. The fear and denial they have is about not wanting to lose us, not know how much they need us...if in fact they love us - then need to put their crap on the table so it can be dealt with. Hiding, ignoring, drinking, escaping isn't going to help. Neither will walking out. My g/f and I had a very long discussion and I found out things I was not aware of, but she too also realized that her way of dealing was going to bring an end to our relationship. It was long over due and has put life back into our relationship that I wasn't sure was still there. I can only hope you guys can either find resolution and improve your situation...or learn your worth as a human being and do what you need to do to be happy.
I wish you the best...
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Thanks for the support, Navygirl. I would have loved to been able to talk it out even if the outcome would have been the same. I have lots of unresolved issues and I now must find a way to resolve them on my own. I agree, walking out is not the answer. What has been the hardest part for me, is after having loved and trusted this man to be there for me, he could just walk away. Many times during treatment, the thought that at least I had him, us against the world, is what helped me get through. It was all a lie. I can really only count on myself. Going forward, I have no qualms about being able to say goodbye to someone who doesn't respect the fact that I am a strong independent person who doesn't need someone to take care of me. What I want is someone to appreciate this about me and wants to be my equal. There to back me up if I should need it, but not to rescue me. Love me for who I am and all my quirks, faults and battle scars. And strong enough to handle whatever may come in the future. I don't think that is too much to ask. I think it would be great to have a topic just for the men to be able to talk about there thoughts in being with someone (dating or married) they met after being diagnosed with breast ca.
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It sounds like you have a great attitude and you are so right...back you up if you need it but not rescue you, etc. It's not too much to ask...and one day you will find someone worthy of you. Obviously someone who would walk away was not. Would love to really know what's in the minds of those we're with and what makes them do/say the things they do after we're diagnosed. I know it's not easy for them either but sometimes I just have to wonder WTF...in my own experience and in reading others, I just can't imagine the things we have to deal with on the relationship level in addition to the cancer. It's just crazy...hopefully we all come out of it better people -with or without our partners.
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Sorry to hear about everyones husbands... but on the other hand its good to know I am not alone.. hubby and I haven't been intimate in years he did go to counseling once and said no more ( I still go).. When I first told him of my DCIS dx.. he gave me a "What now" look/attitude.. after talking with a friend of his he came back and said I didn't have real cancer because I didn't need chemo (his friends wife did).. He came to one appointment and after that said I don't know if he can make any more cause he is afraid of being laid off..
Low and behold who stayed home from work 3 days the next week because he was sick! But not sick enough to stay home from his "Mans club" those three nights. He did manage to come with me for my lumpectomy.. came home got my meds and complained about his wait time and and hour later was off to the club again.. so I was home all alone the first night.
Results from lumpectomy showed IDC so have my surgery scheduled for April 17 for SNB and for clean margins.. told him and again with the "What now" look. Will he take me? Most likely its a Friday and if we get home early enough he can get to his club!
I have implants and as a result of the lumpectomy the left one deflated!.. I thought it was funny.. as i was poking it like a bowl of jello.. I told him about it he said " I told you not to get them!" and nothing more.. So I have decided only to inform him of the things like surgery. It is during this time I am going to think seriously about this marriage. I dont need anyone who cant give me a at least little unconditional support and humor Thanks for listening/reading
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Pringles -
Boy do I understand what you are going thru. My DH tells me over and over, that I brought on the BC! Forget the fact that my mom and paternal-grandmother died of BC, Yep, BC is on both sides of my family. I was tested for the gene, however the results were not in until after I was DX with BC.
As for the surgeries and pain, (mostly due to reconstruction) he claims that was all my fault too. I should have stayed flat. If I had, I would't be bitching about the pain.
Must mention, when my PS removed my bandages, after replacing the implants, and making the nips and areolas, my DH looked up and said, "WOW, you've got boobs again". A week later, back in my PS's office, without my DH this time, my PS commented about DH's reaction. He thought it was very strange. This has been the only reaction I 've ever seen form him. He never has appeared happy when my Onc says I am doing better, or, on the other hand, was concerned when my Onc ordered an US, then another biopsy.
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I understand your pain. My DS also has cancer and last night had a meltdown. He was crying and he told me "Don't you get it?!? Dad is embarrasses by us having cancer. We are weak because we are sick and he can't stand being with us!" Though I have felt that, I never knew he could fell it too! It broke my heart to hear him say that! And he is right. My DH is embarrassed by me. Tomorrow we go to a big work dinner for him. I know he will criticize how I dress. I swear, if he says one word, I will walk out!!
D
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Ugh.. MEN!! My (second) hubby left me on Jan 10...2 weeks before i finished chemo. I thought my marriage was strong. I thought he was my rock. I thought he would love me til the day we died. Oh how wrong i was. I found out after he left me that he had been cheating or attempting to cheat on me since we were dating. I found out that he is a sex addict. i found out that he is a sociopath. I found out that NOT ONE of our neighbors liked him. The women felt like he was "chester the molester" and the men didn't trust him and thought he was 'hot tempered' and abusive.He moved out of our home and moved in with his girl friend. WOW! Talk about an eye opener. I am so much better off. I am happy. My kids are happy. I am no longer having to support a lazy no good cheating bastard. i can totally understand what all of you speak of...been there! My first husband was one of those uninvolved men. he never came home. he didn't help when the kids were babies. he spent his evenings at band practice or getting high with his buddies. So.. I'm 0 for 2....sheesh!
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I did talk to hubby a few months before I was DX and told him how unhappy I was with the marriage .. he on the other hand says he is perfectly fine with the way things are... that I cant understand.. wont even hold my hand, talk to me, or do anything with me.. It is like we are room mates that really don't like each other but put up with each other..
My therapist says I should just focus on me at the moment and after I am done with treatments and surgeries then start thinking about the marriage..
Its not like he has to come with me or be there 24/7.. but sheesh at least ask me how my appointments are, and what the Drs plan to do he never does
Its a good thing that we can come to this site and gripe about them.. It might not solve our problems but I think it does us good not to hold on to things that upset us It is always good to know we are not alone.
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Pringles,
I just don't understand how a husband can live like a roommate. I can't begin to fathom a reason why he wouldn't want to know how things are going. coping mechanism? lack of care? hmm?? It seems he'd want some love and attention from you and the best way to get that is to give love and attention. Oh well...I just don't get it.
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