Otherwise Good Hubby looked at boobs on line
Hi all my sisters, I could use some advice. I am feeling really depressed and filled with anxiety. First of all I have to say that my fiance at the time stood by me through 14 chemos and the bilateral and rads and was a really good guy overall. (He has been through cancer himself). BUT...I found that he had been looking at picures of naked women on line including one entitled "Christmas boobies". It really hurt me especially since we specifically talked about the fact that I don't like that sort of thing before we got married in Dec. 08. Since I currently have no boobs at all, it made me feel really bad. I expect to begin my expanders in May but I am flatsy patsy right now. I have been so upset I can't seem to get along with him. I'm just so dang mad. His looking at other women made loosing my breasts so much worse. I have been filled with anxiety for over a month since I saw the photos in his computer history. Are we all going through this bull sh#t? Any words of wisdom or anything at all is a huge help. I don't want to tell any of my girlfriends because I don't like to badmouth my new husband. It could just lead to more embarrassment. Thanks for any help.
-Meg
Comments
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I'd be pissed too. this is why I put the "kiddie lock" on the puter because of my husband...
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How do I get this kiddie lock?
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lol...You can call your internet company and ask about it. Most are free, just say you have kids and you want to prtoect what they are "viewing". Then don't say nothing to your husband. He'll get a big surprise when he tries to log on to any porn sites.
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I hate it when my guy oohs and ahhhs at the beautiful women on TV, comments about breasts. When I complained, he said it was just looking, I'm the one he wants, it means nothing.... He was clueless that I would be particularly sensitive now that I have my "mutant boob".
Yes, it is hurtful, absolutely. Especially with all you're going through. But, since I look for the good, give the benefit of doubt, I think that you should let it go. As you said, he's been supportive and a good guy. I think he's just being a guy, thinking with his little head and sneaking a peak. Perhaps he's like so many men and has always looked at pics, it has nothing to do with what you're going through now or his love for you. Men compartmentalize so well -- can totally disassociate looking at these pics from their love and respect for their wives/partner.
So, my words of wisdom (or experience) are to let it go unless it escalates to something that he does in your presence or other insensitivities start. There is the issue that you have discussed your feelings about this sort of thing so he should know better, but finding it in his computer history -- he might feel snooped on -- that could create a bigger mess. If him looking at the pics is a deal breaker for your marriage bring it up. Otherwise, let it go, as long as he stays being supportive in all other ways.
Putting a kiddie lock on the computer when you don't have kids might create questions. If you do use one (or use the content filters in IE Tools > Internet Options > Content) you can always say you stumbled on some unsavory sites and wanted to block them.
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You have to decide how important this is to you and your relationship. I have a son who is now 19 and ran away. He started looking at pornography at age 14 and became addicted. So much that when we locked the computer, he stole one from Best Buy. Had him in therapy, etc. His decision to leave was based on our rules of NO porno. For me, this is a big deal. I cannot stand pornography. You need to find out why he is looking. konakat is right about the compartmentalizing. he probably does not think one has anything to do with the other. Did you try to talk to him? I know you are mad,so try when you are calm. I am so sorry and am sending you a big hug!
D
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Meg...did your DH look at these same things before your Dx and surgery? I have the most wonderul DH who is my best friend...I am not thrilled that he looks, but as long as it is only looking, I figure no problem. I would never dream of putting a "kiddie" lock on the computer..for me that would be such a lack of trust. I am curious why you were looking at the computer history. Does you DH still pay attention to you? Does he treat you well other than looking at nude pictures of women? Does he show you that he loves you? Other than him looking at the pictures, do you feel loved by him? I guess, if he is not doing this in front of you...just let it go. It is hard to feel good about ourselves when we don't like the way our bodies look. Also, have you talked to your onc or pcp about feeling depressed and anxiety? That could be contributing to why it bothers you so that DH is looking at women on the computer. Hugs to you.
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Meg, hang in there. Blokes look at boobs, and often they don't make logical connections like we do..eg "I love looking at boobs (no connection with) my wife doesn't have boobs". We are excruciatingly aware of our losses (breasts, lifestyle, health, confidence, physical strength, mental acuity), but mostly our hubs love us beyond anything and could not comprehend life without us. You are getting fills...keep your mind focussed on the great new (non-sag) breasts you've got coming!! I have discussed this VERY frankly with my hub and he is looking forward to mine
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My ex was a big porno guy before, during and after me ..... I find it sickening. Other women like it. I had no idea that my guy I was dating was into it!! He hid it.
I guess that's the problem? The hiding it? The lying? He was also into the lesbian porn ..women on women. And as Christians, which he professed he was, that is against our religion. So to me, I'd say to him, that if God is against it, how can you be entertained by it??????????? How could he look at them and think that was great and get turned on?
So, if you're not religious maybe its ok? Well besides the jealousy thing? But if its jealousy then, maybe you can rid yourself of the feelings if he is otherwise an upstanding guy.
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That must be heart wrenching! I feel for you and totally understand your pain. But, in the big picture, you have to chose your battles. If he was going to hookers or strip clubs.....?
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Hi Meggy,
Your husband sounds like a totally normal heterosexual guy. He is visual like all men, they just love looking at women. They are wired differently than us and that's all it is. Life is tough enough on our guys without beating them up on such things. As long as they are not into violence or act out, I think it is harmless.
You are obviously more than your boobs to him. He stood by you through all those tough times. He married and swore to love you! As long as he comes home to you, makes love to you and cares and nurtures you, it's ok.
My daughters are having a hard time at 21 finding straight guys,all of them are gay or bi. We need to celebrate our straight men who love women, and forgive them their wiring.
Just my thoughts,
Lee
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I too have no boobs, but opted out of reconstruction. My husband spends a lot of time on the computer looking at microscopes on ebay. I can't remember why I started looking at the browsing history, but I started finding strings on ebay auctions of 'pin-up' girls from the early to mid '90s, all of whom had perky perfect boobs.
Not one to keep these kinds of things inside (anymore
) I asked him about it, and he said that he'd typed in a model number for a microscope in ebay's search engine and, among other things, it spat out these pictures. I don't have a problem with that so much, as my hubby has never been into pornography, and I know how loosely-defined searches can get you into trouble. But I told him that what bothered me more was that he kept looking at them after that, day after day, for a week. Add to this the fact that we have not had sex since my surgery - in 2005. There may be other reasons for that (he's gained a LOT of weight, doesn't feel well most of the time, and won't see a doctor - I suspect some erectile dysfunction, but he's not one to talk about these kinds of things) - but my goal in the conversation was the 'put yourself in my place, how would it make you feel', which always gets him to thinking (for which I am deeply grateful). Sometimes ya wish that they would automatically understand that there are some things they just shouldn't say/do anymore because of what we've (them included) been through. It's rare to find a male that 'gets it' without having it explained.
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Meggy,
I think YOU should look at MALE porn when your husband is around. Find some nice lookin guys...poor a glass of wine...and just enjoy! Hey...maybe pic up a couple of magazines too and put them on your coffee table.
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Good idea, lexis! LOL!
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I think Konacat hits all the marks. The big point is that if it bothers you, you need to talk about it. With HIM. My DH occassionally checks out erotica on the internet. (I distinguish between erotica and porn, the former being stimulating and the latter being abusive.) He found it arousing and often used it to help work up some steam for the real deal with me. (As my dad always said, it's hell to get old.) So it didn't bother me in the least. YOU do what works for you. But clear the air first.
Dona Nobis Pacem,
Beth
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I won't go there!!!! ..lol -
Lots of thoughts on this.
First, I know how upsetting it is (I had my own sort of similar experience) and I'm sorry you're going through it. I do feel for you and your not wanting to talk about it with friends.
Second, I agree with the questioning of whether this is different behavior from before BC.
Third, have you talked with him about it?
Fourth, you have to admit - he's keeping a secret but you snooped. So, be prepared to defend yourself for your own transgressions of privacy.
Fifth, it really is all about how we feel about ourselves. Yes, it helps if our sexual partners show their acceptance and affection for our bodies, but ultimately, nothing is going to change how we feel about ourselves except how WE feel about ourselves. It's such a shock, even 3 years later, to look at my chest and believe that it is what it is. I realize that I hardly ever look at my remaining breast. I see women in the locker room at the gym walking around with 2 breasts and I am in wonder - can hardly believe it, can't remember at all what it looked like on me. I think it's a real ongoing process of acceptance.
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I recently had the same experience and yes I was snooping (which Ive never done before so maybe that says more about where Im at than where my dh is at ) !
I had bi lateral reconstruction in February but I still feel unattractive and disconnected from my breasts. Ive been experiencing some depression and was devastated when I saw his computer history even though it was mainly Victoria Secret models and some very soft porn.
But then it occurred to me that he went through this loss too. My boobs have been out of bounds for eight months and even now I still feel too self conscious to be naked and always wear a camisole. I have no nipples (something he liked) and I know that I am finding it difficult to be the flirty, sexual wife he married so I decided to let it go. He has gone through this crappy journey with me and if he needs a little light relief while I try to find my way back to the person I used to be then Im ok with it........for now.
Meg - I totally understand your pain. It is hurtful when you are going through your own feelings around body image but Im with the girls who suggested forgiving his hot wiring. He sounds like a great guy aside from this one slip up.
Good luck
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Save image to your desktop as Wallpaper....it should make you smile!
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Rumoret..thanks for the photo, that did make me smile. And Chilidog, I'm sure you are all right that I should forgive him. It just made it about 50 times worse for me...I was actually feeling prettty good about myself before this. I was looking forward to reconstruction, etc. I didn't feel so terribly bad till I saw those photos. I do feel better now...well I should say I did feel better till he worked on a stupid friend's website (for liquor) and they had him put up photos of women in low cut tops AFTER he told me he figured I wouldn't be comfortable with that and I told him he was right and he said he wouldn't work with the photos. Just put the whole trust thing right up there. He really is a very stupid man on this one issue. There's just no getting around that. Very kind in many ways but flippin stupid in this one department.
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Rumoret - you got my heart going! Whew!
Meggy - I am not married so I am probably putting my nose where it doesn't belong but I've been doing that all my life.
A dear friend of mine was dating a guy I call a "titty idiot" who practically salivated over any pictures of big breasted women. You could practically see his back leg pumping like a dog.
My friend is flat - not small - flat. He loved and married her. Kerry_lamb said it best - men look at boobs.
I know it hurt because I deeply feel the loss of my breasts too but God knows what goes on in their minds.
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So whats the update?
Is he still looking?
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Mine does the same thing and did it before my cancer diagnosis. He is the sweetest most loving man I've ever met and constantly tells me how important i am in his life and how pretty I am,, even though I have a knit touque on,, no make up etc. We still have sex... even though I'm not really into it due to no hormones in my body... yet he still goes on some nights after I go to bed and we've had huge arguments in the past few years about it. He tries not to,, but I think he's addicted to porn I really do. He even cried one time and said he's done it since puberty,, and its stress releiving. I don't know the answer,, all I know is I'll never condone it but at least now he knows he has to be sneaky because I honestly don't want to know. I'd rather he be secretive then open about it and he's the kind of guy who never lies so its difficult for him. Meggy don't worry about it. As long as he loves you thats the main thing. Just let him know it hurts you. He may smarten up yet. lol
I had reconstruction when I had my surgery,, and he was happy I did. Even that buged me. I wanted him to tell me it wasn't important. But he's a man,, so thats alot to ask for.
huggs
lynn
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Lexislove, the update is that he told me has has no problem not looking at naked photos again and that it was a stupid mistake. I don't think he is looking now, but, I do worry he'll slip up at some point in the future and it did make me feel terrible...I think it will take a year for me to feel the same with him in bed. The only reason I somewhat believe him is that I had looked at his computer before (in the past) and there was absolutely nothing...not one site to worry about. He just screwed up really bad because now in bed....well lets just say I'm not as into it..not as relaxed and not acheiving "the goal." Men don't get that women need to feel sexy to enjoy it. He made me feel totally unsexy.
Can't wait for reconstruction. I am not sure it will work because I've had rads but I hope so. Lynn thanks for your words...it's a dang shame these men give us additional things to be bummed about.
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Meggy I always heard when they stop looking, that's when you have to start worrying.........
Deb
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Thanks for the update Meggy...
I'm sorry that his "wandering eye" has made you feel not sexy and awful. I would feel the same.It does take a while for us to forgive in the heart, we just never forget!!!!!
I am still in the reconstruction fase myself. I had my last pump on Monday. Thank god!
I did have rads with my tissue expander in place...I have been taking my time with this. I want my skin to be really stretched and somewhat recovered from the rads. I finished Rads in June 2008 and will have the implant exchange surgery this November. So I hope 1.5 years of tissue expander stretching I should have limited problems with the final implant. I have talked to woman who have had rads before the swap and they are fine. My rad onc was very happy with my skin post rads. No blistering, some pink color and just sensitiveity. Exactly like a sunburn itchy. I put sooo much cream on, that I think that was the trick.
~ Good luck!~
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Hey Meggy, My husband is a plastic surgeon and looks at boobs all day! Sometimes I get insecure too. Feel for your situation. Tina
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Oh man Tina you are WAY stronger than I am!!! Thanks for sharing that....at least he should be comfortable if you've had implants.
lexislove, I am so glad to hear that you took a different timing route on expansion. I had dreamed up a similar plan in my mind. Although I finished my rads in Nov 08 and don't have expanders in yet. I hope to put them in in May 09 and then expand really slowly. How slowly did you go? How many ccs at a time and how long in between fills. I was thinking to do only 30 ccs every 10 days or so. What did you do. I say we should do it a little differently than standard and try to change those 50/50 odds. I was also thinking of leaving the expanders in a long time after they're filled (if I can stand it) to be sure it's all really healed before the switch...also to put the final implants out in time after rads.
I was really red and scally in the week after I finshed rads but before that and ever since, smooth as a baby's butt so I hope it will work.
I am really skinny on my chest though. Ribs show...not a lot of muscle, etc. I'm switching plastic surgeons (even though the first one is supposed to be really good) because he was such a nay sayer...really bummed me out. I am about to meet the new one (also very experienced) because I heard he has a possitive, can-do attitude.
I must admit that I hope I end up with great boobs because I sort of want to put that hubby of mine in check. Over the weekend we went to a winetasting event and I got all dolled up in a georgous dress, new wig done just right (LOL), and a really good looking guy was hitting on me even though I was clearly with the hubby. I think he needs a little more of that to make him realize he's lucky to have me. I know the boobs will look really fake because I have so little tissue but these days I think the fake boob look is sort of in...thank goodness!!!!
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Hey Deb, what do they mean when you say that...thanks for the laugh...but really, what do they mean?
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Meggy...
My first fill was 170cc. Yes.....you saw that right 170cc. BUT...I had NOT had rads yet. I then waited till after rads were done to continue expanding. In Sep 2008 I did another 100cc's. That hurt! I guess because the skin was radiated.
I then took a lloooonnngggg break and just used a small prothesis to balance me out. Untill 2 weeks ago, I did another 50cc. So it puts me at 320cc and my PS said I was a B / C cup. wich is fine for me, I'm only 5'3 small frame.
I'm not really worried Meggy about my skin and the final implant. I think,hope, it will turn out fine. Like I said before, by the time I do have the exchange surgery, it will be 1 .5 years out from rads.
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