Failing relationship

Juliejsrj, I can't believe that happened to you that is just unreal.   I so feel for you.  I am also just remarried with kids so what you described could have happened to me.  If you're sure this is not some sort of temporary insanity with him....I'd try to get financially strong/stable.  I hope you're not really stuck.  I totally understand the embarrasment factor but don't let it rule your life.  You can always claim the stress of cancer was too much for the relationship just as an excuse so you don't have to tell all the upsetting details.  How long ago did you get married?  Based on your diagnosis date...I'm guessing it was fairly recently. I find the "C" word keeps people from asking too many questions...at least we have that.  

 Can you get the funds back from the sale of your house?  Is there a way out?  Is there any chance he's fixable?  Or is this the real him he hid before?  I'm so sorry again.  Even though I just remarried...the truth is I still feel like a single mother of young children.  I know what you are feeling.  I hope you have family near by or good friends.  They can be life savers.  I was crazy stressed out recently because my hubby looked at boobs on line and I cried for about 6 weeks.  One day about a week ago a light bulb went off.  I managed to unload a bunch of the stress when I realized one thing:  I have done so much to get this cancer out of me.  Took more chemo than was recommended, bilat, eat much less fat (triple negs have to) and  for what?  To let stress keep me vulnerable to the cancer...I really think it does.  Somehow realizing that changed me.  I let go of a lot of my grief.  Your situation is somewhat different though....I think there is stress until we reach a conclusion and have a plan.  Once you get there it may really relieve a lot of stress even if you are still living with him.  I don't know what is the right decision for you because I don't know if things will get any better with him and whether you will be flat broke if you left (that is something that scares me).  But the embarrassment thing at work is fixable...you'll be able to hold your head up high....it's not your fault.  Confide in some trustworthy female friends that know the whole situation and make a good decision for you and your daughter.   

Priz47 how are you?  Are things getting any better?  With everything that has happened in your family, you really are carrying a heavy load.  I hope you're alright.

-Meg 

Caligirl...oh man....I was doing on-line dating for about 4 years and I hear you sister.  There are so many sucky sucky sucky men out there.  I can't  believe what you have been through.  It is so shocking when you realize they were bad all along.  I just remember it isn't about us.  It is all them.  That kind of man will not be good to any woman.  It is his new and probably temporary woman's problem. 

Zeamer, lets just hope that you're done with all this treatment and surgery.  You will find a new man.  There are plenty of good ones out there.  I have to admit that my hubby has not seen my scars either.  I don't want him to.  I dont think it will help.  Plus I'm totally boobless right now.  I told him that once I have expanders, he can touch through a nice bra.  He'd better be happy with that because I really need privacy till this is done.

Just think, at some point in the future, you'll have a new man who will know you with the boobs you have now.  There will be no lost boobs to deal with in the new relationship.  If I were you, I'd talk about your new boobs like they are gold. I hope I'm not selling us out if I prefer to refer to it as a "boob job."  I just want to be normal, you know, like a victoria secrets supermodel LOL  I just don't think we should not have to be reconstruction patients forever.  I hope mine come out good enough to at least look good in a lacy bra or similar item.

 We've still had sex but less than before but somewhere up higher in this thread I describe the little routine I do in order to have sex.  It has worked for me....but hopefully after I get my reconstruction I wont need it.

I'm the opposite end of the spectrum. Met my new husband 6 years ago. Two years in was dx and had to have both breasts removed. Had reconstruction just for him... and predicted as he has always been superficial that this relationship would not last long.  I was wrong.  He started to realize that he loved me more than he first thought.  Though he was boob man he watched me in pain with expanders,,, and baseball shaped breasts after ward.  He loved my bald head.  We had sex while my ports were still dangling on both sides of my chest.  He tells me daily that I Iook good and this is 4 years later when the cancer has returned.  I still force myself to have sex with him at least weekly,,, as thats as much as I can do for him. He accepts it and tells me he wants me here even if I'm only a head. and no body. lol  Though he doesn't go to my chemo treatments very often... and tries to hide his head in the sand about our future,,, he has accepted most things and often says he can't imagine me not being here.  The was a total turn around from a man that I was certain would run like the wind when all of this happened to me.  Its actually made us stronger. I'm very proud of him.

Hi there:

   I just read your post and I have to say I can relate to your story. My DH was not there for me when I went thru treatment. He never came to my appts, we fought regularly because he could not understand why I was not working fulltime and I remember when my oncologist told me to stay within 1 hour of a hospital (just in case) and not to go camping, and my DH was so angry about this because he wanted us to go camping in the bush hours and hours away from any hospital because HE needed the holiday. He kept telling me the oncologist was an idiot. LOL LOL.  I remember how hurt and alone I felt. It has been 5 years since my dx and I am still with my DH. It is true--I learned that he was so scared something might happen to me that he shut down and denied everything. So I sort of forgave him. I didn't forget though.

God bless you. I am glad you have found support here.

Wendy A 

Jean,,

 I would like to give you a medal for not breaking down when your hubby asked you what he was suppose to do with THEM.  I honestly don't understand how some body can say something like that and not know its devastating.  God I wish I could wash his mouth out with soap.   I know that when my husband was concerned about the results of recon,, that I told him they were like baseballs and not at all what I expected. He's only every touched the skin breifly under my shirt as I've never shown him what they look like.  He's thrilled i have cleavage and I leave my bra on all the time or wear a t shirt.  Its not him,, its me.  He said he'd be happy with two socks.lol but I can't bring myself to show him. I think its better if he uses his imagination.  Its definitely something two people have to work around and accept.  Talking about it is definitely the answer. Don't keep it to yourself and he shouldn't either.  There are other ways to please each other too. I'm sure he'd be open to that as he's a man and I think they are all the same.  huggs to you and don't every think that the outside is more important than the inside. your beautiful

   Wow,  I thought I was the only one who has a DH that is a freezer when it comes to emotional anything!!!!!!!!!!  It doesn't have to be my breast cancer--it effects all parts of our "marriage".  Whats odd is I do love him and can't imagine being without him but in the same thought, I fantasize about having my own place where I wouldn't have to interact with him all the time(he's retired).  He never once has sat with me, held me, and cried since this diagnosis & treatment. The disease and tx is tuff enough without the stress of him.  I've decided to take our relationship one day at a time and hope it will improve.  Good luck to all-we've come this far and I don't intend to give up now!!!!!!  I also know he will never change!

D

I wonder why they are treating us this way. If they lost their testicles, we'd be right there, with a e, HUG.

I had a strange reaction from my best friend of 30 years! Once told I had BC, she never called or came over, actly like she was afriad, she'd catch "it". FInally, One day I called and begged her to take me to my chemo as my DH was TOO BUSY. Both she and her husband showed up. They  took and stayed with me for my very long treatment, even though I could tell they were very uncomfortable being around so many cancer patients. (hospital infusment center)

IWe talked and I told her how hurt I was and that I felt as though she feared  "catching" my BC. She never treated me that way again. Shortly thereafter, her dh died, fell off their roof. I stayed with her for a while then was available for 2 am phone calls for months. I know if I ever need her again, she'll be there. Wish I could say that about my DH.  

Lynn

I had a terrible time with the Taxotere, but was unaware just how long those SE would last. About 2-3 months after I completed my treatments, my fingernails started to come off. (Needless to say, my dh accused me of being a Prima Donna, complaining about a stupid thing like having no nails, to go along with no hair.) My skin also has taken a real beating. I went from beautiful skin, to dried, wrinkled mess. My PCP said I looked dehydrated. Prior to Taxotere, my hair was very soft, and blondish, after falling out it has come in very dark, kinky, and dry. No mater what I do, it's still unbelievably dry - it feels like straw.

I am reasonably sure, I will leave my dh. I may have to return to the legal field, so I can make enough to live on. I am sure, if I quit working, the Courts would force him to give me enough to live on, but I would go mad staying home. 

What kind of chemo pill will you be on? I am triple negative, so outside of my 5 chemo treatments, there's nothing I can take. Darn. I feel like I am doing nothing to prevent "it" from returning, just CTs PETs, and Bone scans to see if "it" has returned. 

Hugs Jean