Failing relationship
Comments
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Just an FYI. My biopsy was negative- YEAH!!!! I had my port out on Thursday. My BS asked when was good for me and it was going to be a wait of 3 weeks or right then! I took right then and am ready to move on! I am tired of doctor appointments, feeling sick, etc. Hoping my DH gets with the program!
D
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Oh, D! That is wonderful!! I'm so happy your biopsy was negative. Woohoo!! That and your port is out!!? You must be feeling so good!!!
Tina
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Juliejsrj, I can't believe that happened to you that is just unreal. I so feel for you. I am also just remarried with kids so what you described could have happened to me. If you're sure this is not some sort of temporary insanity with him....I'd try to get financially strong/stable. I hope you're not really stuck. I totally understand the embarrasment factor but don't let it rule your life. You can always claim the stress of cancer was too much for the relationship just as an excuse so you don't have to tell all the upsetting details. How long ago did you get married? Based on your diagnosis date...I'm guessing it was fairly recently. I find the "C" word keeps people from asking too many questions...at least we have that.
Can you get the funds back from the sale of your house? Is there a way out? Is there any chance he's fixable? Or is this the real him he hid before? I'm so sorry again. Even though I just remarried...the truth is I still feel like a single mother of young children. I know what you are feeling. I hope you have family near by or good friends. They can be life savers. I was crazy stressed out recently because my hubby looked at boobs on line and I cried for about 6 weeks. One day about a week ago a light bulb went off. I managed to unload a bunch of the stress when I realized one thing: I have done so much to get this cancer out of me. Took more chemo than was recommended, bilat, eat much less fat (triple negs have to) and for what? To let stress keep me vulnerable to the cancer...I really think it does. Somehow realizing that changed me. I let go of a lot of my grief. Your situation is somewhat different though....I think there is stress until we reach a conclusion and have a plan. Once you get there it may really relieve a lot of stress even if you are still living with him. I don't know what is the right decision for you because I don't know if things will get any better with him and whether you will be flat broke if you left (that is something that scares me). But the embarrassment thing at work is fixable...you'll be able to hold your head up high....it's not your fault. Confide in some trustworthy female friends that know the whole situation and make a good decision for you and your daughter.
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Meggy,
Thank you so much for your post. It's funny after everything that I would still be embarrassed about a divorce. You are absolutely right about the stress. I remarried last May, after almost a decade alone. We actually had been engaged the previous spring and he dumped me for some reason or other. Breast cancer brought him back, but now life sucks. He actually is bipolar, and I knew that going in. I never knew he would be so cruel and condescending. I think you understand exactly where I am coming from on being a single mother. But, my life had many joys, and my relationship with my daughter is very close. I am going to therapy to help with self-esteem, hopefully this will give me the power to do what is right.
Thanks!
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Priz47 how are you? Are things getting any better? With everything that has happened in your family, you really are carrying a heavy load. I hope you're alright.
-Meg
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juliejsfj,
I feel your pain! I was married just 18 months ago to "the man of my dreams". I was sooooo in love and told everyone I knew that I had never felt sooooo loved by anyone ever. He moved out Jan 10th right in the middle of my treatment for stage 3 bc. Apparently he had a GF since March! Last week I found out that he had been trying to get dates with MY friends and co workers as far back as when we first started living together. WHY did no one tell me this before I married this sociopathic schmuck? I have since found out that when he was a teenager he brutally tied up and raped his baby sister...she was 8. This apparently went on for a YEAR! OK... so I made a mistake. He isn't fixable with any amount of therapy. He is gone for good and is now his GF's problem. I only hope he never has a daughter....that would be scary!
Most normal men who aren't narcissistic or sociopathic can be helped by marriage therapy. My therapist gave me a bit of advice....if a man has a good and healthy relationship with his mother then he will most likely make a good and caring husband. Some people don't realize that they treat their loved ones worse than they would ever treat their friends. It's just human nature. We let our guard down in our own homes...our true character shoes. There are a few things I can recommend... 1) The movie Fireproof 2) The book "The Love Dare" 3) The book "Love & Respect". These 3 things can do a few things.. make you see what you are doing 'wrong' that is negatively affecting the relationship. Relationships take two....there are always things that one person can do that will postively affect the relationship. I'm not saying men aren't a@@holes...cuz generally they ARE.
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Caligirl...oh man....I was doing on-line dating for about 4 years and I hear you sister. There are so many sucky sucky sucky men out there. I can't believe what you have been through. It is so shocking when you realize they were bad all along. I just remember it isn't about us. It is all them. That kind of man will not be good to any woman. It is his new and probably temporary woman's problem.
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In a perfect world, this thread would be less than 5 posts long! It sucks that so many of us have similar stories. My husband was less than supportive during my treatments (lt mastectomy, chemo, radiation, reconstruction) and walked out 1 surgery away from being done with my reconstruction. We stopped having sex shortly after my diagnosis and he never once saw any of my scars or results of reconstruction. I too decided to accept him as he was, but let too many things pass on that excuse. I was the strong one and never let own how much I was hurting so he wouldn't have to feel bad. He must have forgotten about the "in sickness and in health" clause of the marriage vows. I know I'm better off, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell. If the man I thought loved me couldn't handle it, how am I suppose to ever even think of dating again and having to face this rejection over and over?
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Zeamer, lets just hope that you're done with all this treatment and surgery. You will find a new man. There are plenty of good ones out there. I have to admit that my hubby has not seen my scars either. I don't want him to. I dont think it will help. Plus I'm totally boobless right now. I told him that once I have expanders, he can touch through a nice bra. He'd better be happy with that because I really need privacy till this is done.
Just think, at some point in the future, you'll have a new man who will know you with the boobs you have now. There will be no lost boobs to deal with in the new relationship. If I were you, I'd talk about your new boobs like they are gold. I hope I'm not selling us out if I prefer to refer to it as a "boob job." I just want to be normal, you know, like a victoria secrets supermodel LOL I just don't think we should not have to be reconstruction patients forever. I hope mine come out good enough to at least look good in a lacy bra or similar item.
We've still had sex but less than before but somewhere up higher in this thread I describe the little routine I do in order to have sex. It has worked for me....but hopefully after I get my reconstruction I wont need it.
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Thanks, Meggy, for the encouragement! I am very happy with my reconstruction. It feels like the real deal, and I think it looks really good. I have my battle scars and I know that some day that I will find someone that will appreciate my being strong and surviving. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can now see that he was not a very supportive person even before the diagnosis. He needed someone to take care of, and I'm more of the strong, independent type. I want to be someone's equal. I am now 4 years out so know that that you will feel normal again. And they will look and feel fabulous!
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I'm the opposite end of the spectrum. Met my new husband 6 years ago. Two years in was dx and had to have both breasts removed. Had reconstruction just for him... and predicted as he has always been superficial that this relationship would not last long. I was wrong. He started to realize that he loved me more than he first thought. Though he was boob man he watched me in pain with expanders,,, and baseball shaped breasts after ward. He loved my bald head. We had sex while my ports were still dangling on both sides of my chest. He tells me daily that I Iook good and this is 4 years later when the cancer has returned. I still force myself to have sex with him at least weekly,,, as thats as much as I can do for him. He accepts it and tells me he wants me here even if I'm only a head. and no body. lol Though he doesn't go to my chemo treatments very often... and tries to hide his head in the sand about our future,,, he has accepted most things and often says he can't imagine me not being here. The was a total turn around from a man that I was certain would run like the wind when all of this happened to me. Its actually made us stronger. I'm very proud of him.
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Lynn, your story gives the rest of us hope!!
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Hi there:
I just read your post and I have to say I can relate to your story. My DH was not there for me when I went thru treatment. He never came to my appts, we fought regularly because he could not understand why I was not working fulltime and I remember when my oncologist told me to stay within 1 hour of a hospital (just in case) and not to go camping, and my DH was so angry about this because he wanted us to go camping in the bush hours and hours away from any hospital because HE needed the holiday. He kept telling me the oncologist was an idiot. LOL LOL. I remember how hurt and alone I felt. It has been 5 years since my dx and I am still with my DH. It is true--I learned that he was so scared something might happen to me that he shut down and denied everything. So I sort of forgave him. I didn't forget though.
God bless you. I am glad you have found support here.
Wendy A
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Wendy
Maybe there's hope for all of us with uncaring hubbies. Mine did not touch me since I was DX with BC about 20 months ago. I have gone thru 8 (9) surgeries,and threw it all, he treated me like a had a case of the sniffles. He claimed I was complaining too much and a couple times said I actually brought on the BC myself. I guess for attention! Well, I told him I wanted a divorce, he paid no attetnion to that either.
About 2 weeks ago, I told him again, I felt WE needed our own lives. He was not happy with me and I wanted a "real" husband again. Someone that coudl hug me, and SHOCK, have sex with. Well, a few days later, he came int he bathroom, I was showering, and took my hand and lead me into our bedroom, where he had candles burning. I coudln't believe it. Well, he started to act romantic then stopped.
Now I have no idea, was it an act, was it that he just couldn't stand what I look like - all those scars? He did make a comment when he touched my "foobs", that really hurt. "What am I suppose to do with THEM?" Granted it may be difficult for them to understand what we are feeling, butwhy don't they think before they open their mouths? - Jean
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Jean,,
I would like to give you a medal for not breaking down when your hubby asked you what he was suppose to do with THEM. I honestly don't understand how some body can say something like that and not know its devastating. God I wish I could wash his mouth out with soap. I know that when my husband was concerned about the results of recon,, that I told him they were like baseballs and not at all what I expected. He's only every touched the skin breifly under my shirt as I've never shown him what they look like. He's thrilled i have cleavage and I leave my bra on all the time or wear a t shirt. Its not him,, its me. He said he'd be happy with two socks.lol but I can't bring myself to show him. I think its better if he uses his imagination. Its definitely something two people have to work around and accept. Talking about it is definitely the answer. Don't keep it to yourself and he shouldn't either. There are other ways to please each other too. I'm sure he'd be open to that as he's a man and I think they are all the same. huggs to you and don't every think that the outside is more important than the inside. your beautiful
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Lynn
Maybe I should have hidden "them" from my dh too. One touch and he was no longer interested! (need I say more?) He hadn't touched me in 20 months. I don't suppose he'll try again. He told me later that "they" felt like bags of water on my chest. Dud, that's exactly what they are!
I had not worked all the time I was in treatment and having surgeries, however I couldn't stand it any longer so started teaching the first of the year. (Used to be in law, no longer can take the stress) I have been seriously thinking of filing for a divorce, as I would be better not having to put up with his daily insults, ie. I brought this on myself (BC) or whenever I have been sick, chemo, surgeries, in pain, I am having a "pitty party". Enough.
I waiting to find out if I will be asked to stay on, in my present job. I have never taught before and was on "probation" for 90 days. I then had to let them know if I wanted to continue. I did. Now I have to wait until April 1st, to see if they want me to continue. I am hoping they say yes. Either way I will need to find some work for the summer, as summer school is only 3 weeks. I do need to complete 2 more classes to get my teaching credentials. (I work at a private school so they could hire me as long a s I had a certain number of credits/units.
One nice thing is, terrible as it sounds, my DH is a ship's captain and gone all week, only home 2 days, AND those days are during the week when I am working so I only have to see him, and hear his insults, for am hour or two in the evening. (one of those evenings I am taking a night class.
I noticed you were stage IV, how are you doing now? - Jean
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Wow, I thought I was the only one who has a DH that is a freezer when it comes to emotional anything!!!!!!!!!! It doesn't have to be my breast cancer--it effects all parts of our "marriage". Whats odd is I do love him and can't imagine being without him but in the same thought, I fantasize about having my own place where I wouldn't have to interact with him all the time(he's retired). He never once has sat with me, held me, and cried since this diagnosis & treatment. The disease and tx is tuff enough without the stress of him. I've decided to take our relationship one day at a time and hope it will improve. Good luck to all-we've come this far and I don't intend to give up now!!!!!! I also know he will never change!
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I cannot understand how our DH's could love us (supposedly) and canot bear to touch us?!? It will be my 1 year anniversary of dx in 2 weeks and I can guarentee he will not remember. not that i can forget. He has not touched me since July, no hugs, no kisses....If his feet touch mine in bed, he moves immediately. He just started sleeping in the same bed recently. He kept sleeping on the couch. I am tired of trying and feel I need to go my own way. My dad just moved in with us and if it weren't for him, I would leave! I JUST WANT TO BE HUGGED!!!
D
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D
I wonder why they are treating us this way. If they lost their testicles, we'd be right there, with a e, HUG.
I had a strange reaction from my best friend of 30 years! Once told I had BC, she never called or came over, actly like she was afriad, she'd catch "it". FInally, One day I called and begged her to take me to my chemo as my DH was TOO BUSY. Both she and her husband showed up. They took and stayed with me for my very long treatment, even though I could tell they were very uncomfortable being around so many cancer patients. (hospital infusment center)
IWe talked and I told her how hurt I was and that I felt as though she feared "catching" my BC. She never treated me that way again. Shortly thereafter, her dh died, fell off their roof. I stayed with her for a while then was available for 2 am phone calls for months. I know if I ever need her again, she'll be there. Wish I could say that about my DH.
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Jean,
Things are ok. I switch to a chemo pill in about a month. The taxotere was hard and I'll be glad I'm off of it but wish it had worked better.Thanks for asking.
You sound like your working and taking charge of your life. Thats the way to do it. Go ahead and have a pitty party. I"ll come over with some wine and we can throw darts at a picture of that Captain high liner husband of yours. lol
I already have an ex husband. My new man is the total opposite ,, he's caring and considerate and wants sex all the time. One extreme is as bad as the other girls. Be careful what you wish for. I'm tired all the time,, and on pain meds and chemo. But I still put out. lol
huggs
Lynn
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Lynn
I had a terrible time with the Taxotere, but was unaware just how long those SE would last. About 2-3 months after I completed my treatments, my fingernails started to come off. (Needless to say, my dh accused me of being a Prima Donna, complaining about a stupid thing like having no nails, to go along with no hair.) My skin also has taken a real beating. I went from beautiful skin, to dried, wrinkled mess. My PCP said I looked dehydrated. Prior to Taxotere, my hair was very soft, and blondish, after falling out it has come in very dark, kinky, and dry. No mater what I do, it's still unbelievably dry - it feels like straw.
I am reasonably sure, I will leave my dh. I may have to return to the legal field, so I can make enough to live on. I am sure, if I quit working, the Courts would force him to give me enough to live on, but I would go mad staying home.
What kind of chemo pill will you be on? I am triple negative, so outside of my 5 chemo treatments, there's nothing I can take. Darn. I feel like I am doing nothing to prevent "it" from returning, just CTs PETs, and Bone scans to see if "it" has returned.
Hugs Jean
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