Family member using my mom for a "crutch", rant/advice help

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cancer_is_my_moms_job
cancer_is_my_moms_job Member Posts: 5
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Hello- first of all I would like to say that my mother is dealing with stage 4 breast cancer that metastasized to her liver and has been battling it since 2000, 9 years!  She says it is her job, even though it is hard, and there are days where she has trouble getting out of bed in the morning, she continues to do it.  Recently her situation has worsened, she found out that her breast cancer has now metastasized to her spine and rectum.  I talk to my mother on a daily basis, sometimes up to 5 times a day, I visit her quite often, I would love to see her more, but I have three children and am working a full time job. 

 My mother and I discuss things daily, about her situation, I offer suggestions and the way I do so is a way she is comfortable with, example:  eating the right things to help improve her liver functions (because along with the recent discovery of her mets, she also found out that her liver is starting to "for lack of a better word" malfunction).  So I called her up and asked her what one thing she would like to do that has been on her mind lately.  She said that she would love to go somewhere and sit by an ocean, just relax, and try to forget about life's worries at the current time.   I am not on this blog to have anyone feel sorry for me, I just need advice on the following situation..... 

 So I started planning a trip for her and I to go to Florida,one where just the two of us together enjoying time alone, relaxing, reading books, and sitting on the beach in Clearwater/St Petersburg, basically trying to have a couple of days without any cancer/chemo talk and enjoying eachothers company .  And then I received a phone call from my aunt (her sister) she said that she recently ran into money, and wanted to come along and  pay for my mom to go on this trip, I said that she needed to talk to my mom and see what she thought.  In the first place I was planning on paying for everything my mother needed to go somewhere relaxing.  Anyhow, she talked with my mom, and because my mom thought that it may help relieve the burden on my expenses to have my aunt pay for it, she said that bonnie (aunt) could go, and hesitantly, I agreed, because the whole purpose of this trip is for my mom, and if she wants her sister there, then so be it..  Not that I didnt want her to come with, but I did want it to be just a mother/daughter trip. 

 Anyways to make a long story short, since I seem to be babbling, it has become more of a trip for my aunt.  The type of person she is, for example, is a person that has taken my mothers situation and is turning it around to make people feel bad for her (meaning feel bad for my aunt)  She has a facebook page and says things like "Tomorrow weighs heavy on my mind, and that is why I can not sleep"  People ask her what is going on and if she is ok, and she responds to them that "her sister is very ill", "she is paying for her to go to florida, on a special trip", "She doesnt know what she is going to do about her sister's (my mom) situation" and "How is she (meaning my aunt) going to get thru watching her sister die".  Which are questions that most people ask themselves, I have asked myself these things alot, I am learning how to be able to deal with it, but be there to help my mom out as well.  It has even gotten to the point of her saying to me "Your mom is ill, and I dont know what to do about it".  And then she starts crying saying that she is depressed because of my mom's situation, and I end up comforting her (my aunt).  Of all people (besides my mom) I know more of what is going on with my mother daily, what she goes thru, and how she is dealing with this additional "diagnosis"  I have been there for my aunt to help her out, and to calm her down, and realized that she has a therapist that she can talk to about how she is feeling. 

I am my mothers support team I am strong for her, because it seems as though no one else is, there are days where my mom just needs a shoulder to cry on, and I am that shoulder, I wouldnt have it any other way, she is my mom and I am here to take care of whatever she needs

.  Another thing that I must say is, my aunt and my mom have not been close, she hasn't been there for my mom at all for the last 9 years, she only has become a part of her life since she found out that her cancer has metastasized again.

Please understand, I love my aunt dearly, and I understand that she is seeing what my mom is going thru, and it may be difficult for her to watch (as it is for all of us).  But I dont understand why she is using (in a sort of way) my moms situation to make people feel sorry for her.  My question is..... Is there any way I can get thru to my aunt on how she is taking advantage of my moms current situation, without her feeling threatened?  And when we go on this trip to Florida, does anyone have suggestions as to how I can re-rout any kind of conversation that my aunt may start about my mom's cancer? 

I hope that this blog doesnt make me sound selfish and pity, but I am tired of her using my mom's cancer as her way of getting attention.

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Comments

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited March 2009

    You have a tough row to hoe.

    Nothing you do with your aunt at this time will work for her if she senses what you are trying to do. This could be a control issue, or it could be a reality check for a sister that realizes her sick sister is nearing the end.

    This may sound horrid to you, but what if you let your aunt go with your mom and then you either join them or take over so your aunt can go back home and you stay with your mom? Otherwise this could become a volatile situation in an already very tender area. You are all hurting, you are all scared. You planned the trip originally and your aunt is hijacking it. We get that. Your aunt won't.

    Otherwise, you are just going to have to let the chips fall where they may without letting your mom become the pawn in the middle. You wanted alone time with your mom. You deserve that.

    You are all in my prayers.

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  • cancer_is_my_moms_job
    cancer_is_my_moms_job Member Posts: 5
    edited March 2009

    Thank you for your wonderful advice, I really appreciate it..  I may have explained the situation the wrong way.  The way I look at my aunt is that she is already "bragging" about taking my mom on this trip, and that she is paying for it.  Kind of like a "Look at me, and what I am doing for my sister" type of thing, all while, puttting on a big display for people to see, and sharing all that is going on with my mother, when my mom likes her health issues to be private.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited March 2009

    Oh, I did understand what you meant. You explained it very well, I can tell you put a lot of thought into your post. Your aunt wants to take the credit for doing this for your mom when it was your idea in the first place. She is trying to look like a hero, and meanwhile is telling everyone why she is doing this. Very sad, but it's obviously how she needs to deal with it. Maybe she feels bad she didn't think of it first. Unfortunately, she is using your mother to get her own "sainthood". God isn't stupid. Either are we. You done good.

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  • dee1961
    dee1961 Member Posts: 1,672
    edited March 2009

    Barb your answer hit the nail on the head.



    cancerismymomsjob: Maybe you should just let this trip be the mom and sister trip,(even though this was your idea) then you can have a mother daughter only trip in the near future.

    That way you get your alone time with your beloved mom. Let your aunt brag how she took her sister on a trip and PAID for it, everyone will see her for what she is.

    You are not the petty one dear, your aunt is.

    Good luck to you and your mom, my thought and prayers are with you both :)

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  • GramE
    GramE Member Posts: 5,056
    edited March 2009

    If Mom can travel alone and Meet your aunt,   have aunt pay for it,  then Aunt leaves and YOU join your Mom for YOUR time together.   Maybe a day overlapping with the aunt with all 3 of you.  This would give Mom a chance to recovery from the Aunt and time with you as both of you had agreed on before.  Does that make any sense?

    Aunt is taking advantage of both of you and making it HER idea, when that is a lie. Aunt is not gonna be happy unless she gets to brag about paying and she will obviously tell all it was HER idea originally.   I dont know Aunt,but I know others like her.   

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  • DaughterMom
    DaughterMom Member Posts: 160
    edited March 2009

    There is a person like your aunt in every family, someone who seeks attention in any situation.  Very hard to deal these sorts, but they are family, and we all just kind of learn to live with them.  If Aunt wants to pay for trip, then let her, and go on this trip and have an amazing time.  The people that she is bragging to have got to see her for what she is, how could they not, we all could see right through her!  But, I would suggest that you have a very frank conversation with your aunt prior to the trip. She needs to understand the very reason why you and your mom planned the trip to begin with; to just relax and forget for a couple days. Make it clear to Aunt that unless mom brings up her illness, there will be no talk of breast cancer. Hopefully she will understand. This trip will be a memory that will last a lifetime. I truly hope that you will have a wonderful time forgetting, even for a couple days and just have a glorious time sitting in the sun with your mom. Maybe you can send your Aunt on little excursions, and shopping trip errands (she will feel useful!) so that you can spend some quiet, alone time with mom. Best wishes.

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  • lisettemac
    lisettemac Member Posts: 213
    edited March 2009

    I agree with DaughterMom wholeheartedly.  There are always people who are trying to make this about "them."  It may be their way of coping.  Perhaps Aunt is facing her own mortality as she sees her sister so ill.  Or, perhaps she's just a selfish jerk who needs to make this about her.  One thing I learned early on in this journey is that I wasn't going to worry about taking care of others.  I had to worry about taking care of myself.  Others' crying and hysterics and funeral-planning (just kidding, but you know what I mean) wasn't about me -- it was about THEM.

    So, let Aunt pay for the trip if she wants to.  Don't argue with her or remove yourself from the trip -- it's likely to make it more stressful for your mom.  Just allow your mom to "be" on the trip, to relax, to enjoy some quiet time, to do whatever she needs to do to relax.  I hope you have a great time.

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  • ldh54
    ldh54 Member Posts: 5
    edited April 2009

    Dear Friend:  Why not call your Aunt and tell her you really want to have some mother/daughter alone time.  Suggest that either the Aunt leaves early or comes late.  Does your Aunt have kids of her own?  If so, I would hope she could understand this.

    My sister also is dying with breast cancer.  I love her dearly and want to spend as much time as I can with her (I'm single).  But I make sure my niece has priority alone time with her mom cuz I know how important that is for both of them.

    I'm praying for you now that the Lord will give you wisdom and the words to share with your Aunt.  And that she'll be sensitive and understanding, and remain supportive for the trip.  I hope you and your Mom do have a great time together regardless of Aunt's role in the trip.

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  • mybeautifulsister
    mybeautifulsister Member Posts: 142
    edited April 2009

     My sister and I planned a  surprise get away  for our  sister with B/C, just for the 3 of us to be  ALONE and escape this nightmare.!!!  We were so excited to do this for her, until our cousin`s feelings were hurt that she was not given the choice to tag along, she accused us of being selfish and thoughtless, she called my sister with B/C and told her all about how upset and hurt we made her feel. She ruined the surprise but we stuck to our guns and wouldn`t dare let her or anyone ruin our most precious time with OUR (thats the key word OUR) sister, we went without her and had the most incredrdible time, something we will cheerish forever.  THis is about you and YOUR mom, let your Aunt plan her own special ALONE time with her sister, let her BOO HOO on facebook while your enjoying a most deserving alone time with your mom.Why some people put us in a position to say things we just shouldn`t have to say is beyond me. Good Luck!!!

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  • cancer_is_my_moms_job
    cancer_is_my_moms_job Member Posts: 5
    edited April 2009

    Thank you to all of you that posted your responses, I can not tell all of you enough, how much you have helped me.  I have decided since this trip is 8 days away, that we all will go, I am going to send my aunt a meaningful, respectful e-mail pertaining to this trip.  I am hoping that she does not take any offense to what I have to say, but I need to make sure that this trip is enjoyable for all involved.  If she does take any offense, I will just have to be strong about it.

    Thank you all for the words of advice and wisdom, it helped immensly!

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  • DaughterMom
    DaughterMom Member Posts: 160
    edited April 2009

    I hope you have a wonderful time!  Fun in the Sun will do you well, and hopefully you will get some rest, and come back fully recharged to take on what ever comes next.  Take Care, and best wishes to you and your mom....and  Aunt too :)

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  • giglgrl
    giglgrl Member Posts: 81
    edited April 2009

    I feel for you....I have a couple of people who are doing that as well.....there is an old friend of mine, who I casually speak to every few years...she has left some positive comments on my webpage, which I appreciate.......well, I finally got around to checking out a blog link she sent me and I was surprised to find out how.....sad and down she is....and how much her life has been upturned because of her dear friends bc diagnosis.......I was kind of shocked, as my own website was not even that depressing........it was like she was using me to have people feel bad for her......sad to say.....my own mom sometimes does it as well....calling people to talk about her daughters cancer......do you know my daughter has cancer.......it really bugs me sometimes....but as others have said......You have to just let some things go and pick your battles.......that is just how some people handle things......of course.....I would not have much fun on a trip with someone like that, but you are going and I hope you are still able to have a good time.....mabe you can still do a smaller get away alone......best wishes

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