I can't get my act together and I don't know why

some people.....

Dream,

I am VERY good at spending money!  Funny, but when I was first married, I had trouble in that dept.  But now, I am an expert. 
When we were first married, we won the Lottery, and we got 5 numbers out of 6, so we won about $1200.  My dh gave me #200 to spend on clothes, but I couldn't find anything that I liked. 
Now I can spend $200 and need more in just an hour or so...

Harley

Sales especially this time of year in this season in this economy! I've gotten some AMAZING deals in the past couple of months. Ralph Lauren jeans for $22 at The Bay, $150 skirt for $18 and so on. 

I think I got some of my act together the other day.   Tax stuff is at the accountants for her to plow thru and let me know IF I owe..   Hoping and praying I do not.   Even got my car washed by 2 fellows at the do it yourself car wash.   

But, there are piles of insurance print outs all over my table and various other papers and spreadsheets that I need to categorize and file away.   I will take a break and go play bridge, then to the primary dr for more referrals and a general update with her.    

My brother will be 60 on Saturday, and we do not live near each other.  He is hard to buy for and I am racking my brain for something to get him.   He most likely has any tool I would find (he is a tow truck driver and mechanic), he rarely goes "out" socially (broke up w/his gf of many years), and  he inherited tons of stuff when I sold my house and moved into an apartment.   Besides, I need to mail whatever I get or have it sent to him.   Last year I got him Netflix and he loved it.   

He is such a good and faithful brother.  Calls me at least twice a week and does not criticize or argue with me.    

Gift cards are easy to mail and you can get on to just about any place!  Just remember to keep the receipt in case there are any problems with the activation.  Sounds like a great brother!

How about a fleece hoodie from the racing car guys? The new AMP ones this year are really nice. He can wear it driving (or not) and think of you. When I give a gift like that I say it's so you can feel me hugging you.

When my son went trekking in Nepal last May to celebrate Sir Edmund Hiliary's 50th anniversary (he unfortunately died in January 2008, Sir Ed, not my son) I was sooooooo worried about the politics, the mud slides, earthquakes etc. I got him a fishing vest with tons of pockets so he could put all the stuff he would need all day long - camera, chapstick, etc. I put hidden gifts in some of the pockets and told him I blew love into them so if he needed to feel me he could open a pocket. He is 28 this year but when he went to kindergarten I used to blow love down his t-shirt neck for him to use if he missed me through the day. As I blew, I would say "Can you feel the love?" He would get so excited saying "YES, I CAN feel it!" So cute. Anyway, he came back safely from his trekking and I asked him how the vest worked out. He didn't use it the brat! Said he had to layer, hoodies, t's and such. Well heck! A vest is a layer..... 

gsg,

 I'm likely not the person you want to think of when you trying to get over feeing so blue but the dark place you speak about is there and we kinda have to try to keep away from its doors by keeping busy and focusing on anything at all thats positive.

 I'll tell you my story to try to help you understand it in another way.  I was dx 4 years ago. Both breasts ,, ,numerous lymph nodes. Had chemo,, radiation,, plastic surgery, ovaries removed, more plastic surgery.  Then on Arimidex for 4 years. I always knew that i was a high risk for its return and by the time the initial treatment was over i too felt exactly like you.  Only i let it go on for the next 4 years. !!!

I put on my fake smile at work,, and played the part of the survivor with my friends who were all proud of me... but inside I was terrified. I would imagine my own funeral... and cry in the car when i heard music i used to love. Couldn't seem to do anything constructive or plan for a future,, because i thought whats the point.

This year the cancer came back in my bones,, as I predicted...and its been difficult to get my head around it but one thing i've learned is that i just wasted 4 years worrying about something i could not change. The cancer came back whether i worried or not. I used up all that time being terrified and scared and waiting for the other shoe to drop.  When i could have been going on trips,,or having a blast with my kids.  Now my decision is do i keep worrying about the day i will die,, or get on with living. I'm going to die whether i worry about it or not just like when i was worrying about the cancer returning.  Its not going to change a dam thing.

Talking about it will be your main recovery tool.  Take the anti depressants if you want,, i may get some today my self because we aren't super human, but listen to my words, that the dark place will not change location.... its you that needs to move away from it.

huggs and keep your chin up

Lynn

Lynn that was powerful and true.

Lynn,

I hear what you are saying. It is hard to not let this disease take over your thinking. So much to worry about. I did have to go on anti depressants for post traumatic stress syndrome after bilateral reconstruction. It was like a wave of sadness would come over me and I would start crying anytime. Then I would be fine until it hit again. Those episodes are improving but it is a long journey. Now I think about all the things that I want to do and see. Slowly I am beginnig to feel like the "old me" but it took a long time.

Kerry

Thanks for sharing Lynn.  I think a lot of us have been there, but you put it into words.  I think it helps to know others have been there.

Oh, Sue, best of luck with the DIEP.  I hope everything goes smoothly.  It's a big deal & by the way, ask your surgeon to order homecare afterwards so you can get a little extra TLC & help, especially if anything is wrong, like an infection or anything. 

I've been thinking about Wish, too.  You know, I think I have her regular email address somewhere, so I'm going to send her a message that way.

WISH, are you out there????  We miss you!

No, but I did send Wish a regular email, so I'm hoping to hear back from her.

Quick hello here, too.....cancer luncheon over, recovering...and on to next projects!

Taking train to Philly for a bridal shower in NJ~~DH beside himself. Spoiled, huh?

I haven't been around much, but not because I have been cleaning...  I was addicted to Facebook, and the Mafia Wars game, but I think I may be coming to my senses.

I hope you'll take me back.  Sorry for being MIA. 

I will NEVER get my act together... 

Patrice,

Sorry you are so busy.  I know we'll see you again when things slow down again. 

Hugs

Harley