People drive me CRAZY!

lookingforward4more
lookingforward4more Member Posts: 127
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

I am almost a year post chemo and just finishing up my reconstruction. I am getting so weary of "questions" from people that seem to think my cancer and my medical issues are their business. For instance, I was at a lunch meeting the other day and one of the women there said loud enough for all to hear "SOOOOOOOOOOOO....how are you really DOING? Are you cancer free? How are you feeling? How is your health?" Everyone turned to look at me. I was furious. I simply said "I am fine, but how are any of us doing, really? ". Now mind you, this women is a social worker like me and should have known better. My cousin also says to other family members "is she really okay?". AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

 I know the logical thing to say is that they "mean well", but I am trying to come to grips with my very different body, my very different hair, my "new" sexual life (HA!) and don't want pity. And I especially don't want people asking me personal questions.

Does anyone else deal with this? I wanted to throw my iced tea at her! Thanks for "listening".

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  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited March 2009

    I hear ya!!!

    Soon as I was finished treatment it seemed everybody and their cat was asking if " i'm ok" "did they get it"..blah blah*********

    I would grin with my teeth clenched. I then realized that they were just curious and meant well. It soon passes. the more you see people now and say everything is ok...the less they ask. Now...noone asks me about diagnosis, treatment or anything...they just say "hey long time ..whats new?"

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  • caaclark
    caaclark Member Posts: 936
    edited March 2009

    Yes, it IS annoying, isn't it?!  Same thing happened to me and I am sure to many others.  It will eventually pass but even now, there is this one person who says, "You know, we all thought you were a goner" every single time he sees me!!  I now laugh at it (sort of) but I hate when someone asks me one of those questions in front of my kids.  I then have to spend time debriefing them when we walk away. 

    And...I absolutely hate the question, "Are you cured?"  I never know how to answer that one.  But...when someone says, "Well, at least they caught it early" I now respond with, "No, actually, they didn't.  If they did I would not have had chemo, radiation, mastectomy and a hysterectomy."  That usually shuts them up.

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  • Maeve
    Maeve Member Posts: 82
    edited March 2009

    I'd have accidentally knocked the iced tea all over the lady... then blamed the after effects of chemo for the appanrent loss of control. 

    When I findishd treamtne I had a few   'Oh well I'm sure your glad its all over now and you can get on with your life'  AAHHHHHHHHHH

    I have a list of s*** comments that have been made by people, I also had a family (in-law) member tell me 'not to take life so seriously'. 

    It can be hard at times, but I just sit back take a deep breath and relax... they really don't have a clue.  

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  • abbadoodles
    abbadoodles Member Posts: 2,618
    edited March 2009

    I never get any comments because I never told anyone.  Probably, I'm in the minority.

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited March 2009

    The worst is one twit at work. I work at a large academic hospital -- during my surgery, I worked in a department for which I did the timekeeping. About 2 months after I returned, I transferred to a new position. The woman who does the timesheets for this position, younger sister of the supervisor (nepotism, anyone?) works in a different building than I do, and I only see her once in a while. Mind you, I never told this woman about my health issues! (Although her sister had come to see me in the hospital -- and I know everybody gossips).



    But one day, I walk into their offices for a meeting, and this twit loudly calls out to me in front of others, "How's your BOOBIE?"



    I swear, I have no idea what happened next! I think I just totally ignored her!



    She's a total asshole (the kind of boy-crazy woman who flirts like mad with every man she sees, and is sort of fake-friendly, "fake" competitively bitchy with all the women she sees) -- but the crowning touch is that she's always complaining about everyone else's "bad manners" !!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2009

    Here is my standard answer, delivered crisply and leaving no doubt that the coversation is OVER: "I've moved on in my life and consider that episode over."

    THE END. Don't try to apologize or elaborate. It's simply none of their business and you owe them absolutely nothing. Some people thrive on drama, so I make every effort not to feed them...especially at my own expense!

    ~Marin

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited March 2009

    I tell people I have no more cancer in my breasts and they say GREAT! And I say, of course I no longer have breasts. That shuts them up.

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  • PT63
    PT63 Member Posts: 329
    edited March 2009

    I can be a bit sarcastic and there is one woman at work who I didn't like before I was diagnosed with bc and I truly didn't like her any better after.  I didn't feel like she asked about me "for me".  I felt like she was asking so she could spread some new gossip or whisper about poor pitiful me.  So one day when she asked about something to do with my mastectomy I told her: "you know.... I didn't really have cancer, its really my new weight loss program... just dont tell anyone" and then I walked away.  Someone else told her the truth later but it did make her quit asking. 

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  • lookingforward4more
    lookingforward4more Member Posts: 127
    edited March 2009

    Oh wow, I love some of your answers! I think some people look for a "reason" that I got breast cancer and they didn't to make themselves feel immune. When I was diagnosed I got lots of "free" advice...."well...now you can improve your diet because its all about the food you eat...I'm so glad I am all organic!"

    OR: "bet you wish you got your mammograms now, huh?" (I did EVERY six months).

    OR: "My mom's hair never grew back after her colon cancer.....I hope yours does"

    And finally, "Not that you are fat or anything...but those few extra  pounds can bring on breast cancer, thats why I work out and stay so slim"

    I am not making these up! Love you all!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2009

    Barbe - you are a hoot - I love some of these answers!!! 

    Doreen 

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  • Maeve
    Maeve Member Posts: 82
    edited March 2009

    Marin, you're totally right people do thrive on the drama, and sometimes I felt as though certain family members loved to talk about it and know what's going on so that they could have fresh information for their gossip buddies, I know I'm probably being oversensitive and critical but I've now taken to telling everyone, including family members that everythings great, even when there are days when it's hard to wear a smile.  Can be lonely at times but at least it doesn't hurt.

    Enough serious stuff... I was in the sauna yesterday and the lady asked me 'why do you always wear a bikini in here, people don't mind if your naked'  I tried to just say I felt more comfortable in my bikini, she went on and on saying how much more comfortable I would be without it... needless to say when I told her about the fact I had a missing boob, she no longer insisted I take it off.   

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited March 2009

    I was purchasing some clothes in a major department store this winter. The clerk told me about specialists being in the lingerie department to do free bra fittings. I politely declined. She kept pushing me and so I finally said that I had had a double mastectomy. She said, Oh, they can fit anyone! I firmly said, 'I DON'T HAVE BREASTS ANYMORE FOR THEM TO FIT'. She shut up, but to this day I don't' think she got it......sigh. 

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  • BMac
    BMac Member Posts: 650
    edited March 2009

    Wow Barbe, I'll have to use that.  I too am breastless.

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  • caaclark
    caaclark Member Posts: 936
    edited March 2009

    Maeve,

    I laughed out loud when I read about the sauna thing. 

    And, Barb, yours was funny too.  Really, I am amazed that people just push on without taking the cues to shut up.

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  • iodine
    iodine Member Posts: 4,289
    edited March 2009

    I still love Miss Manners: "Why do you ask?"

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  • bonnievan
    bonnievan Member Posts: 14
    edited April 2009

    Maeve

    Love your story about the lady in the sauna.......I would have loved to see the look on her face!

    Bonnie

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