Depressed googled with how I feel

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juliag8199
juliag8199 Member Posts: 5
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Everything is not a coincidence. I was diagnosed in 03 2 straight years of chemotherapy weekly 13 rounds I believe, mastectomy, hysterectomy prior to mastectomy due to pap smears.  radiation during chemotherapy, husbands father diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks after I am.  He is not supportive as far as I felt although he feels he was.  We ended up in divorce lawyers post 6months after last treatment then he was deployed to Iraq all was put on hold as he is father to my only child a son.. Not knowing if my life will end soon, I did work out issues with him and we all are together again upon return from Iraq.. He came back with his own ptsd and is negative alll the time.  He c ritiques me always and I am physically not the same women I was before diagnosis,  My bones are constantly fracturing due to chemo even though Dana Farber states this is not true but other orthopedic Dr.s say it is directly due to this.. I was a strong independent women, I was a full time Officer of the Law a Cop  only 2 females on a department of 125 men.  I bought and owned real estate I had own trucking company, plowed as I live in New England.. I had to retire from my identity, Career, as my husband sabotaged my job due to medications I was on during and shortly after treatments this was why we were getting divorced.. as he did not have a Career he felt good about I handed him my trucking business a small 2 truck hauling but a business that generated money.... His family disowned me when we were going through seperation.  John deployed I made sure our son always saw his Yia Yia grandmother etc even paid for her to fly out to california to meet the plane at Port Hyunamne? For the year John deployed we were best of friends again.. Minute we all came home together as John and I had chosen to work through the crap for our sons sake  ( I was a product of divorce and I did not want my only son to go through this as who knowa how long life is after Cancer) any way I needed help with cleaning my home and feeling not so depressed and I googled my feelings and this site popped up.  I have never felt so vindicated after reading great unfortunatly material.  I even took a bath climbed the stairs watched my son play a game and actually not only joined by am composing on site... God I thank all of you for sharing your emotionally hard truthful comments this is the best I have ever felt reading something to do with Breast Cancer as I usually stay clear of it,  Many of the attitudes and happy people make me feel worse, synical or that im just using it as a crutch as I was told i a meeting I went to never returned I need to clean my house I need to go outside, I need to be part of life again, I have been waiting to die and preparing for my sons financial future and not I guess Living people close do not say it but I know they think that I should be so much more grateful for this 2nd chance  and I am but it has devestated me along with so many other of lifes hard knocks I thank you for any advice in just gettig off the couc h and not the usual anyone can be hit by a bus, or put on a happy music to motivate you.. thank you Julia g 8199

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  • hbcheryl
    hbcheryl Member Posts: 5,113
    edited March 2009

    Hi Julia,

    I just want to give you a big hug - life sure has given you some lemons.  This is a great place to be, even if you just lurk around in the background and read posts, you gain new knowledge each time you come here.  There will always be down days but now you have a place to come - just reach out, there is always a hand here.

    Big ((((((HUG))))))

    Cheryl

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  • Isabella4
    Isabella4 Member Posts: 2,166
    edited March 2009

    Hi Julia...welcome to this site....its a good place to come to.

    I'm sorry for your life at the moment, but I think a lot of us seem to go thru this protracted PTSD.

    Life can never be the same again, too much has changed, trouble is others don't seem to get it at all, they think because we're looking as if we're up and running, we are.

    Just stick around, you'll find a lot of your worries can be helped talking to others in the same boat as you.

    Hugs.

    Isabella. 

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  • Mary22
    Mary22 Member Posts: 779
    edited March 2009

    Julia, I can really understand how you are feeling. My husband is currently being treated for PTSD and other conditions from time spent in Iraq during 2005. I was recently Dx w/ BC and have had 2 surgeries and now I am going through rads. I am on my own, since my husband is unable to deal with any of this, He is fighting his own demons. I was there for him when he came from Iraq, I went to all of his VA appts and gave him moral support. He has not been able to give me any moral support. I am working full time, and I have to take our three children (4/8/11) every morning to rads with me. Each time he goes to the VA psychiatrist he comes home more depresssed.

    I hope find help. I used to think that I was wrong for my feelings, but I see there are many others with similar problems, different problems, but all have the same type of emotions.

    Prayers with all.

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  • cheryl58
    cheryl58 Member Posts: 182
    edited March 2009

    Hi Julia :)

    You have certainly been through a lot.  The girls are right.  Just stick around.  This site is great and there is always somebody that will try to help!  I was diagnosed in 2006 (will be three years May 14).  I am definitely not the same person I was.  My mind is constantly jumbled, I am exhausted 24/7 and really cannot sleep anymore without just tossing and turning, which only compounds the mind thing, etc. etc.  I put on a happy, normal face for my husband and kids, but there are times that I get angry that they just don't understand how tired I am.  I had cancer, damnit!  I really don't tell them that but there are days when I would just like to throw the covers over my head and stay there.  I think this whole journey we go through just makes us a bit weary!  I hope that things get better for you.  I don't have any answers.  I just keep trudging through the days like any other "normal" person, but deep down, I just have this sadness and tiredness.  I am glad you posted and look forward to seeing you around here more often :)

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  • Sierra
    Sierra Member Posts: 1,638
    edited March 2009

    Hello:

    I just read your post this afternoon

    and my you have been thru a great deal

    HOWEVER, you sound like a strong

    woman, and one who is versatile at that

    Plse take care of YOU>> Life surely

    sends us some double whammies

    sending out a big hug for you today

    PS. O/T  I love New England :)

    Sierra

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  • rumoret
    rumoret Member Posts: 685
    edited March 2009

    "I have never felt so vindicated after reading great unfortunately material.  I even took a bath climbed the stairs watched my son play a game and actually not only joined by am composing on site... God I thank all of you for sharing your emotionally hard truthful comments this is the best I have ever felt reading something to do with Breast Cancer..."

    Julia, I am so glad that you were able to feel just a little bit better after reading on this site. You will find others on this site describing many of the things you are feeling.......that you will swear that you could have written the post yourself. This experience is a journey and no one can truly understand how you are feeling if they have not experienced something as traumatic as a breast cancer diagnosis. So just know........that we know how you feel.....and you will always have someone on this site acknowledge how you are feeling.

    Sending you and your little boy a big warm hug.

    Love,

    Terry 

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  • Susabella
    Susabella Member Posts: 1
    edited April 2009

    Hello, Julia - and everyone else who responded to your original post. Hi, one & all! I joined this site just a couple of days ago - this is my very first post. In March, I hit my 5 year anniversary of completion of all invasive treatment. So, to mark that milestone & feeling like I'm now finally ready to - hopefully - "give back" to others ... share, help, support, encourage... here I am...

    I was moved by your message, Julia - and, my heart goes out to you. Although we all have different circumstances within our individual lives, we know & understand exactly how & what you're feeling. But, I think you are already on the right path - you are absolutely correct in that, just because we're in remission/NED (no evidence of disease) does NOT mean we should all be simply waiting to die. When that time comes, frankly, the vast majority of us will gain entrance to heaven via something else (like plain, old age-related) - NOT breast cancer.

    You have a young son; and, you obviously love him, very much. Invest in yourself. Do everything within your power to take the very best care of YOURSELF. That is your own personal "insurance policy" - the most important and best thing you can do in order to be around for him as long as possible. Raise him, watch him grow, know that he'll be an adult man someday able to take care of himself. Although family is important, try to minimize "toxic" relationships. It's hard, I know - but, at least try.

    I've been waiting nearly 5 years to "get my life back"... Finally now realizing & accepting (the accepting part is key, really) that my "prior" life is gone, done. I think I've been in mourning, grieving for it. The heck with that! I am ALIVE. This is my "now" life - I'll take it, and am grateful for it. Even with adjustments.

    You're already "getting there" - and, it's not easy. Again, take really good care of yourself.

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