Facing the Future
Comments
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I started a new topic called "Agree to Disagree" in the metastic reoccurance section. Hopefully some of the offended individuals will read it. Its not a message that needs them to respond,, and I've posted it to try to end all the negative discussion about what is acceptable , not acceptable etc. Life is too short to focus on these silly things and personally its causing me added stress to an already stressful existence. lol
I for one am going to keep coming to this particular board and hopefull so will all the rest of you becaue I truely NEED you.
huggs
Lynn
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The honesty here really helps...makes me feel less alone. I started doing the what-ifs last night and decided rather then freak out about it, start working on it. I am already decluttering the house, won;t get done afte i am gone...my house will be on a reality show!
Last night I thought that since Easter is coming up, maybe what I will do is start making a holiday book. Put all my recipes and traditions in one spot. If I started making a Mom's recipe book it would spook the older kids. This way, I can slowly get things done with their help and not make them sad.
Right now, my 6 yo is sitting next to me reading from his primer. Moments like this make me sad. I want them to remember the good days and I think dying at home will put a damper on it. On the other hand, I want to die with familyu around, not in a sterile environment.
Okay. time to get back to mommy time....
randie
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THAT'LL TEACH 'EM DREAM GIRL!!!!!! LOL
I AM queen of deNile but I will share my barge!
I have the advantage of a longer time span since dx than most here. I can tell you that this has been a process. There are SO many things I couldn't even THINK about at first. I never expected to be here now...I am blessed cuz I know the time is a gift that has given me insight/perspective, dare I say "wisdon" I would not have gained otherwise. Let yourself go where you can AS you can. To illustrate this:
I realized after a few months into this dx that I was trying to get all my parenting in as fast as I could. Finally, one of my sisters & a good friend gently told me I could NOT give them 5 years of parenting in a few months--even tho my best intentions were behind it. (their intervention sure pissed me off intially!)
I have found peace regarding most of these issues by backing off & waiting for the right environment to address them. I guess the desire for my kids to remember me as calm & confident outweighed the worry of what might happen if I didn't get it all in (which was making me a bad memory for them!)
I don't know if that makes sense or not, but if the ppl here didn't get it then it was ME & not you!
HUGS
edited to clarify (hopefully)
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Saint, I know what you mean about backing off and waiting for the right time to deal with things. I've organized the house and my paperwork, but I just can't bring myself to do scapbooks or letters to my children, husband, and grandchildren. In my heart I want to do this, but now is not the right time for me. Everytime I think about it I kind of push the idea out of my head. I, too, want to be remembered as peaceful and confident. Everything in it's own time...
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HUGS lily, ranD & everyone!
I'm here for all of ya if there is EVER anything I can do---just ask! (If you know me,you also know that sometimes I don't wait to be asked!!! LOL)
LynnW---your offer of an olive branch was lovely......
I plan to avoid anymore discussion regarding behavior/reactions--I think I already know how & if another adult doesn't I'm not likely to change them.........I still will frequent the mets boards--they are OURS, kids! Don't abandon them! I just don't want to engage in topics that are solely emotional with ppl who do not or simply can not understand the reality of my dx! I am happy for them they can't, but all their good intentions aren't always enough to bridge the gap....
Let's face it--we ALL need a target for our anger from time to time & it seems an insensitive post is a likely spot.
I hereby VOW to everyone here: I will click out rather than flip out!
HUGS
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If it is something you Want to do and you automatically push the thought away... maybe you shouldnt be doing that. Your natural instincts are saying NO NO NO. Why not listen. Maybe there is something else you can do. Im going to steal an idea I read above.... and she will know .... Maybe buying a plant and planting it together now... so that tree becomes a memory tree. A small plaque can be purchased and my ashes can be folded into the soil of the tree. My kids can sit and talk to themselves there or even hug it...if thats what they need.
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Awww hugs dream--that is so sweet!
DH & I have discussed that since we will not have a plot or headstone we may buy a marble bench that we can have "carved" with something we like & have it installed in the garden where our urn will be....sorta gives me comfort to know how it will be.......HUGS
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Lisa- I hope it's okay if I use your post to help me get organized with all the paper work I need to do. It is extremely helpful! If you can think of more stuff, please let us know!
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I absolutely love the idea of a memory tree......beautiful. I think I'm going to do that. :-)
xoxo
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Another one loving the idea of a tree-but,wonder what would happen if the family moved house-tell the new owner what's nourishing the tree!?
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I totally agree, you must do what is comfortable for you. I am already a scrapbooker...so it is no biggy. I am trying to include more of me. But dang! I am the one behind the photo. I won't do a video. Or a good bye letter...just words of wisdom type of stuff. Heck they could think it is full of crap and throw it out.
I am a control freak, so planning my own service is a natural thing. The website that LuvtoTravel posted is awesome.
Janis
who is still working and needs to get a proposal done.
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A couple of responses to earlier posts (as in four hours ago!)
Janis, about planting the trees: when I had the first go-round in 2005, I was afraid to even buy new underwear or shoes, because of uncertainty about the future. Then in 2006 I planted a small fruit orchard - six trees. In fall of '07 I found out about the mets. The thing is, those fruit trees should start bearing fruit this year!
I'm not a believer in the traditional sense of there being a God who in involved in the minutia of our lives, but more of a sense of wonder in the permanence of the Universe as a system, of which our individual lives are a tiny, tiny part. So, my job here is to make the world better and planting trees and raising responsible and moral children is my little part in continuing the blessedness of the planet, and the Universe. I have ordered almost a hundred trees to plant this spring, some evergreens and a lot of different kinds of nuts, a collection of spring flowering trees, and a collection for fall color. I know that I won't see them grow big, but it's something that I feel that I can still make a contribution to the earth and the benefits will continue after I am gone.
As to things we are doing to organize for our death - let's start another thread so that we can come up with a comprehensive "to do" list. I'll start.
I truly like the idea of using this forum to discuss our thoughts that relate to our deaths. That's what it's here for, but so often the mets forum has been used for that, because this forum didn't get any posters. I remember when I came on the the mets forum at my dx in November 07, and "Bimmer" was posting continually there as his wife Diane was dying. One of the first posts I read as a newly dx metster was "refusing to die" by Bimmer. It freaked the crap out of me!
Then, of course, Bimmer hung around after Diane did die, and six weeks later he started posting about how he was trying to meet a woman to help him get past Diane's death, and he got killed on the boards! Does anyone remember that?
Brenda
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I think I had mentioned the tree thing a few postings ago. One way to avoid the problem of the home being sold,, and the trree with it,,, is to just go as a family and pick a tree,, in a favorite park or conservation area. No one is going to stop my husband and kids from sprinkling my ashes around a big maple or old oak tree in a park. It can be done quietly. I picture at least my boys getting together once a year and going on a hike to find the tree.Time together is always something I encouraged them to do anyway.
Maybe they can have a map so that for years and years "Mom Tree" can be found. The pond where my house is ,,,has public access to it,, yet my house overlooks it. So even if my house is sold,,, everyone can still access it. There are many many new trees that have been planted there. The family can just pick one and voila,,, my resting place has been chosen and is alot cheaper than a plot in a cemetary. My kids have always been freaked out by cemetaries,, so it doesn't give me a warm feeling to force them to go there just to talk to me. lol
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Im sorry, I didnt want to make this complicated. There is a green belt area just south of where we live. Hubby and kids will pick the spot and plant the tree. We live in an apartment. Choices are limited.
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OMG!!!
WTF! had a weekend off the boards and not only have I had PAGES to catch up on here, and I do mean pages.....Hello to all who've found us!!
What has been going on on the mets board, u know when you walk into a room, and you know somethings happend but your not too sure what??? Well thats how it felt, so I came straight here knowing someone would spill!
Anyways, I want to be cremated, and ashes spread on rose garden in cemetry, where my mum and brother are, Ive written it all down so there are no interfering ( MIL ) and no grave to visit, find that rather creepy myself, wouldnt want the kids to be tied to visiting.
As for DH, before our recent 'troubles' he only ever talked about it once or twice and he said, he wanted a suicide pact....I said no way, he also said he would never marry again. This hasnt been talked about for a while, hes only 36 so I would want him to move on,( but hey he could wait till I was dead to do it!) Dont think the kids would like it much, but who knows, being a massive member of the de nile club, these things just fill your mind when they get in there dont they!
You have all made so many points both making me smile and cry, I cant remember all of them,
but Im happy your all still here to carry on our chat!
Hugs to you all
Sue x
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Talk me down..... or break my finger or two!!!! LOL
Resolving to not post for at least two hours....anywhere else but here.
Susan
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Hi,
Elaine D. I am in your boat right now. I am feeling pretty good physically and have not had to go back on chemo. My kids, who are all in their 20's, know that I have cancer but they don't think it is possible that I will probably die within the next few years. My husband tells me the only way he can support me and not fall to pieces is to believe that I will be OK for a very long time and they will find a cure in time to save me.
My father died of lung cancer when I was 18. I was his sole caretaker and he died a horrible death. I remember giving him morphine injections around the clock and I can still hear him moaning. I will not die like that. There are ways that you can quietly go to sleep forever. I have discussed this with my husband and he agrees that he will not let me suffer.
This whole situation seems surreal to me. I simply can't get my mind wrapped around this Stage IV crap. It is so comforting to be able to speak freely to women who know the depth of despair this diagnosis causes. I only wish none of you were on this board.
I am taking an anti depressant, an anti anxiety, and a sleeping pill to get me through my days and nights. I did go away a few weeks ago and forgot about "the situation" for hours at a time. It was wonderful.
Love to all...
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dreamwriter,, sounds perfect. The way I look at it we will continue to be a part of something alive. Kids think I'm nuts but they'll see the big picture someday.
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Get well,,
funny you should mention forgetting about all of this for a while.
My hubby took me to the movies on Saturday with his son,, and we saw Watchmen.
Naturallly they had some conversation in the movie about cancer causing radiation or something and a woman took her wig off to shock her peirs who saw she had cancer herself. Boy,, sure wasn't the ....... take my mind off things......type of movie. Should have watched last House on the Left lol
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Florik - I'm so glad you found the site I posted useful. I'm still reading through all the sidebar links, myself. I find that a little goes a long way on the Death and Dying subject. But I've always found something applicable in what I do read.
The link from yesterday seems to be broken, but this should work:
http://resources.atcmhmr.com/poc/center_index.php?id=174&cn=174
My plan for where to put me
is a little of several things. My grandfather founded a cemetery many years ago in Charlotte, NC. As you might imagine, he chose a nice spot for the family plot. My sister, father, grandmother, grandfather, and an uncle are already there - some in caskets and some with ashes placed. Some ashes. I want to have some of my ashes placed there with my family but I also want some to get mixed in with the soil of a Jacaranda tree planted here and some scattered over the Pacific (preferably offshore from French Polynesia.) My daughter and loved ones can visit my tree(s) or they can go swimming in 'my' ocean or go to NC and do it the traditional way. In their turn, my sister, her husband, my brother, and aforementioned daughter will be joining me - my grandfather took care of it all. Talk about wanting control - I've even chosen the variety of long-blooming azalea that I want to have planted by the main headstone, with some of my ashes mixed in. Heavens, by the time they finally get around to the inurnment ( the cremated equivalent of interment), there will probably be only a few tablespoons to put in the ground!
Analemma - why did you remove your post about planning and preparations? I woulda contributed!
Lisa
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Lisa, after a bunch of views and no contributions, I thought maybe it was too close to home, and might be offensive. Of course, since I can't remove or change the title (I thought I could make it all go away) it sort of defeats my purpose, doesn't it?? ;-)
I find it comforting to feel like I am prepared, with notes and lists made, like I have control. But I realize that others might be offended.
If you comment, I will continue.
Brenda
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I think a I will help my DH plant those seedlings...look at it as 'mom help plant these'. Taking a negative turning it into a positive. Way to go cancer-girl Janis!
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Brenda,
I never did see that thread yesterday when I was looking for it. I need to get my act together and appreciate a "to do list".
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Lisa, please open your thread. You may be more organized than me. Start with the disclaimer.... I thought what you said the first time was right on the money. It would be good to have a checklist. And people may add to what you have with other ideas... I have one but am saving it for your thread.
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Please do repost your thread Lisa. I read it, but wanted to give it some thought before posting. I can't see anyone being offended-theses are issues which we have to face in weeks/month/years, so having a list and some ideas would be really useful.
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Lisa, thanks for the link! I have saved it and I will be checking out the tabs, but just wanted to say that the essay on the front page is exactly what I've been saying. That death is terrifying because it is not part of our common experience as it was a hundred years ago, and that talking about it need not be considered morbid. And that we have been taught by our culture to view the approach to death as a battle that we will lose, rather than the natural act of nature to end a life. Though, I'd hoped for a lot longer, in nature, that's the way of it. Some live long, some die young. Very good site, so far.
Brenda
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Here is a question about ashes spread somewhere----how do you get around the legalities?? WTH is it illegal anyway?? I understand that decomposing bodies can create a health hazard, but if it is ASHES what/how could it hurt? Anyway--do you just propose that one or two trusted loved ones will carry out your wish on the QT??
True funny story: A woman in Chicago was a HUGE Cubs fan & wanted to be spread in the outfield near the bleachers, so...her family members each took a baggie of ashes to each game they attended & sprinkled them into the ivy on their way to their seats---said it took a long time, but they eventually emptied her urn a bit at a time!!! LOL
I truly beleive that Hospice will NOT let someone suffer. DH & I believe that they just drug you to the max LEGALLY to get you to the next level--besides--how many cancer deaths are autopsied???
Brenda---and everyone---I think creating new threads that address our issues of Facing the Future is the natural progression of this thread! THIS forum is our safe place=PLEASE do not resist or avoid posting ANYthing & EVERYthing that applies. We help each other process things here. DO NOT worry about offending anyone---this IS a palliative thread----"comfort facing the end!" NO one has to read what offends them. It would offend me MORE to think we are muzzled or edited! This is a difficult subject, but as already pointed out--our culture has made it so!
Did you know that funeral homes are a relatively new phenomenon --only been popular for about 80 years or so! Ppl USED to bury their own. I think caring for (washing & dressing) the remains of your loved one WAS a perfectly natural experience for eons which has been removed from our collective consciousness! I think removing that from our life expereince is what has made death more confusing & painful. Now MHO..after doing a bit of research on this a long time ago.....
I LOVE THIS THREAD!!! Be well & stay strong
edited for mis-spelling!
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What legalities can there be. If my husband dumped my ashes in the pond out back,, who is going to arrest him for it or even see him do it. He could likely flush me down the toilet and I don't see that theres any law against it. I'll go and google it.
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I just checked and in Ontario, Canada there are no laws describing where you can or can not dispose of the cremated remains.
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Hah! Flush you down the toilet, indeed. Somehow, the thought of the compost pile is much more appealing!
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