Facing the Future
Comments
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I know that I'm a bit of a nut case, but I am very much an Earth Mama and I seriously want my ashes in my garden, or sprinkled along the path in the woods. Or divide them up among the boys (grown men) if they want to sprinkly some of me aroung their yards. I'm happy to go into the compost heap. Creepy thinking about being in an urn on a shelf!
But then again, WTH do I care? I'll be dead!
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I have been thinking...
Throughout my children's lives, I have keep their drawings, memories of special events, jewlery etc. I think I am uncomfortable wrioting a journal...never had a diary. So I think my children will know I love them and always think of them. I am not worried about who will take care of them as I know we have given then a wonderful fundation to life.
My husband had an ah-ha moment this week. What if I die soon? After 4 yrs of cancer, he now wants to make some plans. Ok... later is better than never, I suppose. So this spring, we will be making plans such as cremation vs burial, service vs none. We are are of different religions and that causes burial concerns. Lots to talk about. Someone suggested a to do list, like changing names on car titles, etc. I think I will make a list too!
I doubt my husband will remarry. He is too lazy! LOL And I doubt he will move away from this area. We aren't originally from here.
I definately don't want to die at home. I have said it from the beginning. I want this home to have memories of happy times. Like someone said.....do you have to buy a new bed if you die in your own? Kinda gross...
Spring is here and it's time for renewal. let's all enjoy the beautiful weather and be thankful.
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Have thought about what arrangements I'd like to make for myself.....nothing works. I don't want to be buried in the ground, it freaks me out...leaving our friends gravesite a month ago was horrific to me, it was FREEZING out, it was windy, he's not even near a tree, just this huge, cold field...(chills!)....I don't like it.............I don't want to be cremated, that freaks me out even more......I "liked" the idea of being in a wall, but......OHHHHH I don't know. The whole thing appalls me that I have to even think this way. My husband wants to be cremated, he's made that clear a million times.....we can have his urn buried with me one day??? I don't even know how this works, I don't even WANT to know how this works, but unfortunately, at the ripe old age of 40, we have to think of these things sometimes.
I plan on going nowhere for a long time, and I don't just say that.....I really mean it. Wholeheartedly. I like denial land, but I do feel positive for some reason.......But when I do get close to death one day down the road? I'd like to have a plan in place..... ya know? I can picture my husband saying "EEK, she didn't wanna be in the ground, or in a wall, or cremated.....what the heck do I do with her??" Just prop me up against a wall or something sweetie.......seriously? I have to come to a decision one of these days.
I originally did tell hubby that I wanted to die at home.......I'm re-thinking this. I think it would be much too morbid for the children.
Do I think my husband will get remarried? I do. He can say NO I will not! until he's blue in the face, but I've seen so many women pass on and so many of their husbands get re-married.....a few of them a little too quickly to my liking, men just cannot live without a woman...whether it's a long term girlfriend, a lover, whatEVER....I have seen too many leap onto the first woman that comes over with "pie". lol.....that's always my joke with him....."I'm picturing all these women I know coming over with homemade PIE for you and saying "awww want me to heat it up?" hahaha....(I have to joke about it too)........I plan on enjoying MY life with MY husband and kids and spend as much as we can on doing things we all enjoy while I'm here.......I joked to Fitztwins that I don't think the eventual new wife should have all my luxuries.....lol And I can't even fathom the thought of some woman taking care of my children.....I just can't because if I do? I get sick to my stomach.
Sigh.....we just have too much to ponder. Way too much.
xoxox
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Kelly, you're funny!
What I'd really wish, and hope, is that my family (and our culture) could get over the idea that death is morbid. I had my babies at home, why wouldn't I also want to die at home? But then, I hear you ladies talk and I worry. DH says he's fine with my dying in our bed, that he's not going to go buy a new bed, that he won't have any more trouble sleeping without me there whether or not I died there.
I tell my sons (all grown up) that it's ok if I die, 'cause we have to make room on the planet for the babies!
I do love the babies!
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Kelly, I would not want to be your husband, you will have him so spooked! That first lady that brings that pie over and asks to warm it up he will be looking around to figure out where you are watching him from to say AH HA! I told you! LOL
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Thanks, guys! The first time I came here, I read the name of the forum, and promptly felt nauseated. That was just two days ago and I'm now actually reading the posts - though quickly!
It's not so bad. And I know I need to make plans. I live alone and, unfortunately, everything will fall on my best friend. But I'm running outta chemo. Reality sux. But if Heaven is anything like St. Thomas or St. Barts.... Off to watch "Running in Heels!" Again, thanks so very much. I need to be able to talk about "it." One day. Baby steps. Scared little baby steps. Take care.... Judi
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HUGS ALL! This is my new home-base---olly olly oxen free.........
Kelly---1) Let's make a NY-girls' pact---if either of us posts on those threads the other will break her fingers!!!!! 2) You reminded me of something regarding not making plans.... for YEARS after our kids were born dh would say we needed to make a will----EVERYTIME I would find myself sobbing, irrational & refusing to do it--I sometimes wonder if I didn't know sub-consciously that I would need to too soon! You will know when the time is right to make those choices...Anyway, I found that dh & I can "co-mingle" our ashes. When the second one goes they put our ashes together in a new urn...that sounded kinda sweet to me since we plan on having urns made from the headboard of the bed we have slept in for over 30 years. (SHHHhhh! we haven't been married that long!)....but a thought just occured to me: we don't want wifey #2 added to the eternal mix do we??? LOL
LynnW--hugs! Luann ROCKS!!!!! She has been thru some ca-ca!! Even b4 bc I have believed we should avoid comparing our worst with anyone else's-----the worst you have ever experienced IS your worst & I validate you! IT SUX!!!
Dream--I am beginning to think that THIS & 2 or 3 other threads are going to be where I read & post & just not go looking for "new stuff" anymore----I know where I feel accepted & understood--why seek stress?? HUGS--so glad this is here!
Analemma---I have pretty much decided on cremation--but dh suggests in addition to our cemetery a bit of me be spread at all my favorite spots--like Creator Lake & Devil's Tower---I like the sound of that. It would get them back to some wonderful spots to enjoy again! Ultimately it is up to them! I agree about the dying at home thing--gotta wonder if it would make things any worse than remembering me sitting in the family room or kitchen------or dying in my bed? After all---whenever it happens they will see memories of me in every corner of this house! Maybe you & I are a bit more pragmatic about this so our families would be too? They have lived with us & our ways.....nothing new here!
HUGS all--be well & stay strong
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Sigh......You should've broken a finger (((((((Sainty))))))))) ;-)
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Although I am married, I worry about my 3 kids My husband is sick but right now actually has better odds than me When I first found out about my mets, we redid the wills, etc My BBF is getting the kids if something happens to us None of the family wanted them nor do the kids feel close to them She will be great but she won't be me I hope someday I see my son graduate from high school and my daughter dressed up for prom I did do some funeral planning on mywonderfullifecom It is sad to do and some people may think it is morbid but it also kind of freeing You can put that part of your life aside
I am not worried so much about dying as the death process I just want it to be peaceful I am scared that it will drag out however it appears BC can get you quite quickly and unaware
Sorry this is a downer of a message but it did feel good to say it
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(((((((((luv)))))))))))))) Just luv ya......ya made me cry but it's OK. :-) I understand. xoxo
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YAY! Analemma and Saint, thanks for your posts - now I'm not the only one who wants to die in my bed! The comforts of hospice fall far short of the comforts of home, to me. I have indicated in my Advance Medical Directive that I want hospice involved, but my wish is to die in my bed. I have this brain met that can very quickly (or very slowly) change my abilility to make my own decisions. Thus, I have put my assets (my house and not much more) into a Revocable Trust, made the Adv. Directive, updated my will, appointed my executor, etc. When I got a diagnosis that puts me at a prognosis from 12 weeks to just about elderly, I figured I had better act. I can practice a healthy denial most of the time, but I needed to act. Of course I sat in the car after signing everything at the attorney's office and just sobbed.
I have not yet journaled anything to leave behind. A couple of friends were over the other night and they both were adamant that I begin something now. One friend is a somewhat recent widow and she says she would have treasured a card or note from her late husband to open every now and then. I still am not sure about writing to my daughter, or my sister and brother - but I think I'll give it a try. I know I treasure every single snippet of handwriting I have from my late sister.
I'm using this site to help me think of things I might not have before. I think it is amazingly comprehensive and straightforward.
http://resources.atcmhmr.com/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=11990&cn=174
Like others, I bit my tongue (or sat on my hands) on several occasions in the past days. The original post in the "Complete Response to Chemo" thread, I could have answered. But it would have been to say that I had the same diagnosis (except all of my nodes were clear), about the same chemo, the same perfectly negative pathology from my bilateral mastectomy - and yup, metastasized within a year. Is that what she wanted to hear? It would have been the Truth, but it would have horrified her - and her peers. I wonder if she ever got the message that it's a total crap-shoot.
I find myself un-checking the box for "attach signature" when I am responding to a newbie's post. It may be the cowardly thing to do, but I want my answer to be accepted at face value - not as one for whom "it didn't work".
Lisa
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This is a question--I am starting to think I am not "normal" Can anyone get through an entire day without thinking about cancer? I attempt to but never can do it
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I went to do a standard DNR and found out it was sorta a chart... with circumstances.... but I didnt fit all the circumstances so I wiped it all out and did it MY WAY. Things you have to think of - a DNR means Do Not Resuscitate. However you can stipulate that you are DNR for manual resuscitation (breakable bones) but drugs and shock are ok. But basically you are admitting that when your heart stops, you are gone. If you plan to go to hospital at the end, even though the hospital rules may be loosened, you are automatically DNR with no stipulations. This helps as your spouse does not have to make that last decision and let it haunt him forever. You should have a Power of Attorney for Property (your stuff), and Power of Attorney for Personal Care (and this can be your spouse plus someone, your spouse, or some one else entirely).
I know I sound like Im ready to check out tomorrow, but I am not ready at all. In fact although I feel better, I worry what is around the next corner. Each doctors appt is a scare.
I feel that this site has allowed people to touch their mortality - like a soap bubble - gently and carefully. I have pms from lurkers who are not stage 4 but have read through and feel for us. They promise not to join us until they are one of us. I am hoping they are never one of us.
I wish I remembered what normal felt like. I was a working mom, volunteer, and I never saw this coming. I have been home for 3 yrs. And they have flown by. New friends, new bonds, new hobbies have made my time enjoyable. But I am sleeping more. Less and less anxious about getting out for a shopping trip. Is this my body's way of slowing down? I hope not.
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I'm spitting mad-I know the issue on the other board is getting tedious, but this is outrageous-
"I find the staging trivial..... This is not the first time this "discussion" has arisen about non-mesters posting here, or asking questions. I find it small and selfish, that ANYONE with cancer would deny a totally frightened person some information. "
Staging trivial? How I would love to be stage 1. So many non-metsters have been supportive and try to imagine what we are living with, but to be called "selfish" borders on abuse, and I'm tempted to report this post as such. Even more so, as the same poster goes on, in another thread, to make a direct attack on Kelley, calling her "more depressing than anything...". Why are non-metsters taking over a board which is aimed at supporting "stage 1V, diagnosed"?
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Unfortunately, ya can't change stupid in the real world.....I got a few heartfelt pm's about that post, and unfortunately, there are people out there that are just ignorant personified. Maybe she can explain to the families of those that have died just since I'VE joined the board about how depressing "death" is and ask them if their wife, mom, partner, lover, etc....Stage number DID matter....It just shows lack of intelligence and information on her part.
xoxox
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Something really got to me on the other thread. Someone said that staging is "trivial." I just posted my very honest response to that idea. I wonder if I'll get a PM about being a real downer...
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The remarried issue is a hard one for me also. I want my husband to remarry, because I want him to be happy. I have even tried to address this issue in the journals I am leaving for my kids. Especially with my daughter, I would like her to have another mother figure. This will be something I will write about for her at least several times, because I don't ever want her to feel guilty about either calling someone else mom or for feeling affection like that for someone else. I have written the same thing to my son.
However, I would like my husband to wait until both of my kids are done with high school. My youngest is in 7th now. I think he would probably do it anyway. On the other hand, he is totally blind with no vision. So I don't know whether it is fair to ask, but it is what I would prefer.
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You are right Elaine, I went to the Mets forum first thing this morning and there were hardly any new posts. Nonmetsters seem to be taking over that board. It blows my mind that some want to be RIGHT more than they want us to have a place to post about our situations! I find it difficult to answer "Is this mets" questions. I feel like I have to sugarcoat my response because my symptoms were the same as those for common conditions! If someone asks "I feel like I have a pinched sciatic nerve, do you think it is mets?" If I was being brutally honest I would say "Hell yes, mine was!"
This forum actually says ONLY for those trying to live well and/or die well. Does that mean non metsters would be breaking the rules of BCO by following us and posting here?
You did good, Kelly!
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Dreamwriter,, where are you finding these threads of people being upset about this one. lol I must be lucky enough to have avoided them otherwise i would have had some verbal diharea for them as well.
As far as the burying thing,,, I want my ashes scattered on the pond behind our house. Why do we need a final resting spot if we are cremated. At one point i wanted to be planted with a new tree that would grow with my ashes mixed in the soil. My kids could come visit the tree and know i was actually part of it.
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I want to be cremated but I do not want my urn to be stuck in some hole in a wall or ground. I have no idea why I seem to be ok being in an urn but not in a box in the ground, but who knows? Mom's parents are buried in a cemetary ~ it's a nat'l cemetary & Gams is buried on top of Gamps ~ we find that amusing.
When my other grandmother passed, we got a double urn for her & eventually my grandfather. We didn't feel right leaving her alone, so Gamer actually did quite a bit of traveling w/ the family! It might seem silly, but we all felt a little better. Gamper passed away last March so their ashes have been together (actually side-by-side since it's separate chambers, but one urn). We planned to inter them back in IL last summer but my mets dx sort of threw off a lot of family plans. My aunt died as a small child so they will be interred next to her.
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Let's see, that's my cremation thing, now on to sex. Wow, this has been on my mind lately. I can't remember the last time we had sex... and my dh is a hottie lol. It has occurred to me that we really need to somehow figure out how to make this a part of our life again. I DO want him to find another love (as long as she deserves him!) and I would not want him to ever feel guilty about having sex be part of another relationship just because it wasn't part of ours for so long. No he should NOT feel guilty, but I can see how he would. On the other hand, I don't want him thinking "wow the new wifey really rocks my world, Vicki should have been like that!" Oh, and I have told him that he absolutely can not find somebody w/ awesome boobs ~ that would just piss me off to no end. Actually, she can't even have great hair, either, but I haven't told him that yet... baby steps.
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Oh, the only a stage, this has me spitting mad...I have yet to respond.
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Still can't decide home/ or hospice to die. I guess all DH has to do is get a new bed?? (not funny?)
I would love to know from some of the families (Deb, Shelli, etc) if the question wasn't too sensitive, how they felt about it? Were they glad their mom was home or was it better in hospice center?
Personally, I think it is EASY to make these plans now rather than later. It doesn't seem as emotional for me.
Sunday, my DH said...I want to purchase more seedlings (pine) for our yard (we live on 4 acres). He went on to say that in 15 to 20 years they should really be at a great height to block the wind. I just looked at him? I said whatever you want to do. All I really want is that new higher toliet NOW Though. I don't even know if he realized what he said, or realized that I probably won't be here in another 15-20 years.
Hate that crap.
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Yep...that's what I find hurtful (upsetting?) too. I know they don't mean to be unkind, but the notion that we'll see our dreams through together in the longer term, is so far removed from the truth, it hurts like crazy. I try to just smile, and let it pass, but think I'm going to have to be more outspoken about these issues. We're both 53-hubby could retire now (we've made provision for him to do so), but he's not ready yet-and neither am I. He loves his work, and I feel at the moment as much normality in his life as possible, has got to be a good thing. I'm the one with cancer not him! But when he talks of what might be happening several years down the track, my blood just runs cold. Perhaps it's a compliment in a way, to the fact that we're holding things together for the meantime-but to me it indicates that he really hasn't as yet accepted that my time with him is limited.
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Hugs ALL! You make me LOL & catch my breath! A few tears, too!
Kelly!!! BIG Louie is coming over for a visit!!!! that's one......
I have gotten some pm's from nons who feel guilty reading here too (HI sisters!) I don't think anyone should feel guilty---I just hope reading here doesn't affect anyone's outlook or depress them--I would have avoided this thread like poison!
As for those "other" threads----I am tired of it all-----if left alone without the artificial life span it's all getting on new threads it would have died a natural death by now---I must admit to reading a bit more---but I have vowed to myself I will NOT post on one of them again! (I didn't have to cuz 9-fingered Kelly did for us! LOL You rock girl!--now....NO MORE!)
THIS thread feels safe & somehow private, tho we KNOW it is not, I think the timing of the "big dust-up" will benefit us in the long run as no one will dare breach the line here.....or am I pissing in the wind?? LOL
I would LOVE to go back once more & post: We are NOT in the same boat--theirs don't have big leaks & they have life boats------how's that for a metaphor completed??
HUGS --I love yous! Be well & stay strong
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Aaahhhhh, found ya!! LOL Actually, Kel told me. Thanks, girlie, I came home and it was like "poof!", looked like a totally different board. Good grief, I just can't get over the "folks" who come to the mets board to give their .02! OK, nuff said.
While I still can't really talk openly about some of these deep topics, I've totally been there. Funeral, kids, legacy, wife #2, etc. Damn. It's just such a black hole for me... so I ignore, live in the land of denial, at least for now. It seems to work, but I am beginning to pull out old pictures of the kids and thinking about organizing them into albums. that's about the best I can do right now.
On the subject of life, I went to a sheep farm this weekend for a class on raising sheep. Yes, I have ordered 3 ewes, a ram and a wether (gelding)! So I am venturing into the sheep business on our farm. I'm so excited, I feel like its the first thing I've looked forward to in a long time, other than day-to-day stuff. I watched a little lamb be born and struggle to his feet. So sweet! Made me think about life and its natural cycles, and that was okay.
Marsha, I've wondered the same... the Mets board is anything but these days. No place is sacred. I've played with the idea of whether we should start a thread that is clearly marked "Stage IV Only" with a "circle the wagons" kind of purpose. Like "Stage IV Only: ___ ____ ___" Fill in the blanks! Like this: "Stage IV Only: Bitchfest" LOL
I love you gals!
Susan
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Like you Saint, I'm planning on no longer contributing to "these" threads. The damage has been done, the mets board is no longer as active as it was, with very few new posts from metsters. I feel as if we've been chased away, to find a quiet corner where we can talk without upsetting anyone. So many boards on this forum, and we've been hounded from the one which was designed for us. Wonder how long it'll be before it happens here too!
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I got that sad future feeling this weekend when my DH started talking about planning a trip for next summer and when my kids were laughing about the little grandkids' first dates someday. The other day I started to cry when I thought about my daughter hearing a song we like and her feeling so alone when I'm gone.
I just turned 50 and it makes me so sad that I'm thinking about cremation, my hubby's next wife (he says he'll never marry again), and my fear of what will happen in my body between now and my death. Reading your posts makes me see that we all are doing these things to varying degrees. This kind of honesty helps me to feel better about things.
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Did you see the post from Tami and Melissa in the Please don't leave us thread? I guess they are starting a new "not diagnosed, but worried about mets" thread.
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I think it is a good move, I hope that people will see it and use it... I just hope that people know what "mets" means!
Susan
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I am very happy that the honesty of this board is giving you peace. Thats what we were aiming for when we first opened it. I did not imagine that it would cause a whirlwind of discusson outside the discussion. It is time to grow up and teach everyone to get along.
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