Facing the Future

I know that I'm a bit of a nut case, but I am very much an Earth Mama and I seriously want my ashes in my garden, or sprinkled along the path in the woods.  Or divide them up among the boys (grown men) if they want to sprinkly some of me aroung their yards.  I'm happy to go into the compost heap.  Creepy thinking about being in an urn on a shelf!  

But then again, WTH do I care?  I'll be dead!

Have thought about what arrangements I'd like to make for myself.....nothing works.  I don't want to be buried in the ground, it freaks me out...leaving our friends gravesite a month ago was horrific to me, it was FREEZING out, it was windy, he's not even near a tree, just this huge, cold field...(chills!)....I don't like it.............I don't want to be cremated, that freaks me out even more......I "liked" the idea of being in a wall, but......OHHHHH I don't know.  The whole thing appalls me that I have to even think this way.   My husband wants to be cremated, he's made that clear a million times.....we can have his urn buried with me one day??? I don't even know how this works, I don't even WANT to know how this works, but unfortunately, at the ripe old age of 40, we have to think of these things sometimes. 

I plan on going nowhere for a long time, and I don't just say that.....I really mean it.  Wholeheartedly.  I like denial land, but I do feel positive for some reason.......But when I do get close to death one day down the road?  I'd like to have a plan in place..... ya know?  I can picture my husband saying "EEK, she didn't wanna be in the ground, or in a wall, or cremated.....what the heck do I do with her??"  Just prop me up against a wall or something sweetie.......seriously?  I have to come to a decision one of these days.

I originally did tell hubby that I wanted to die at home.......I'm re-thinking this.  I think it would be much too morbid for the children. 

Do I think my husband will get remarried? I do.  He can say NO I will not! until he's blue in the face, but I've seen so many women pass on and so many of their husbands get re-married.....a few of them a little too quickly to my liking, men just cannot live without a woman...whether it's a long term girlfriend, a lover, whatEVER....I have seen too many leap onto the first woman that comes over with "pie".  lol.....that's always my joke with him....."I'm picturing all these women I know coming over with homemade PIE for you and saying "awww want me to heat it up?"  hahaha....(I have to joke about it too)........I plan on enjoying MY life with MY husband and kids and spend as much as we can on doing things we all enjoy while I'm here.......I joked to Fitztwins that I don't think the eventual new wife should have all my luxuries.....lol  And I can't even fathom the thought of some woman taking care of my children.....I just can't because if I do?  I get sick to my stomach.

Sigh.....we just have too much to ponder.  Way too much.

xoxox

Kelly, I would not want to be your husband, you will have him so spooked!  That first lady that brings that pie over and asks to warm it up he will be looking around to figure out where you are watching him from to say AH HA!  I told you!  LOL 

HUGS ALL! This is my new home-base---olly olly oxen free.........

Kelly---1) Let's make a NY-girls' pact---if either of us posts on those threads the other will break her fingers!!!!! 2) You reminded me of something regarding not making plans.... for YEARS after our kids were born dh would say we needed to make a will----EVERYTIME I would find myself sobbing, irrational & refusing to do it--I sometimes wonder if I didn't know sub-consciously that I would need to too soon! You will know when the time is right to make those choices...Anyway, I found that dh & I can "co-mingle" our ashes. When the second one goes they put our ashes together in a new urn...that sounded kinda sweet to me since we plan on having urns made from the headboard of the bed we have slept in for over 30 years. (SHHHhhh! we haven't been married that long!)....but a thought just occured to me: we don't want wifey #2 added to the eternal mix do we??? LOL

LynnW--hugs! Luann ROCKS!!!!! She has been thru some ca-ca!! Even b4 bc I have believed we should avoid comparing our worst with anyone else's-----the worst you have ever experienced IS your worst & I validate you! IT SUX!!! 

Dream--I am beginning to think that THIS & 2 or 3 other threads are going to be where I read & post & just not go looking for "new stuff" anymore----I know where I feel accepted & understood--why seek stress??  HUGS--so glad this is here!

Analemma---I have pretty much decided on cremation--but dh suggests in addition to our cemetery a bit of me be spread at all my favorite spots--like Creator Lake & Devil's Tower---I like the sound of that. It would get them back to some wonderful spots to enjoy again! Ultimately it is up to them! I agree about the dying at home thing--gotta wonder if it would make things any worse than remembering me sitting in the family room or kitchen------or dying in my bed? After all---whenever it happens they will see memories of me in every corner of this house! Maybe you & I are a bit more pragmatic about this so our families would be too? They have lived with us & our ways.....nothing new here!

HUGS all--be well & stay strong 

Although I am married, I worry about my 3 kids  My husband is sick but right now actually has better odds than me  When I first found out about my mets, we redid the wills, etc  My BBF is getting the kids if something happens to us  None of the family wanted them nor do the kids feel close to them  She will be great but she won't be me   I hope someday I see my son graduate from high school and my daughter dressed up for prom  I did do some funeral planning on mywonderfullifecom  It is sad to do and some people may think it is morbid but it also kind of freeing  You can put that part of your life aside 

I am not worried so much about dying as the death process  I just want it to be peaceful  I am scared that it will drag out however it appears BC can get you quite quickly and unaware 

Sorry this is a downer of a message but it did feel good to say it

YAY! Analemma and Saint, thanks for your posts - now I'm not the only one who wants to die in my bed!  The comforts of hospice fall far short of the comforts of home, to me. I have indicated in my Advance Medical Directive that I want hospice involved, but my wish is to die in my bed. I have this brain met that can very quickly (or very slowly) change my abilility to make my own decisions. Thus, I have put my assets (my house and not much more) into a Revocable Trust, made the Adv. Directive, updated my will, appointed my executor, etc. When I got a diagnosis that puts me at a prognosis from 12 weeks to just about elderly, I figured I had better act. I can practice a healthy denial most of the time, but I needed to act. Of course I sat in the car after signing everything at the attorney's office and just sobbed.

I have not yet journaled anything to leave behind. A couple of friends were over the other night and they both were adamant that I begin something now. One friend is a somewhat recent widow and she says she would have treasured a card or note from her late husband to open every now and then. I still am not sure about writing to my daughter, or my sister and brother - but I think I'll give it a try. I know I treasure every single snippet of handwriting I have from my late sister.

I'm using this site to help me think of things I might not have before. I think it is amazingly comprehensive and straightforward. 

http://resources.atcmhmr.com/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=11990&cn=174

Like others, I bit my tongue (or sat on my hands) on several occasions in the past days. The original post in the "Complete Response to Chemo" thread, I could have answered. But it would have been to say that I had the same diagnosis (except all of my nodes were clear), about the same chemo, the same perfectly negative pathology from my bilateral mastectomy - and yup, metastasized within a year. Is that what she wanted to hear? It would have been the Truth, but it would have horrified her - and her peers. I wonder if she ever got the message that it's a total crap-shoot.

I find myself un-checking the box for "attach signature" when I am responding to a newbie's post. It may be the cowardly thing to do, but I want my answer to be accepted at face value - not as one for whom "it didn't work".

Lisa

Unfortunately, ya can't change stupid in the real world.....I got a few heartfelt pm's about that post, and unfortunately, there are people out there that are just ignorant personified.   Maybe she can explain to the families of those that have died just since I'VE joined the board about how depressing "death" is and ask them if their wife, mom, partner, lover, etc....Stage number DID matter....It just shows lack of intelligence and information on her part. 

xoxox

The remarried issue is a hard one for me also.  I want my husband to remarry, because I want him to be happy.  I have even tried to address this issue in the journals I am leaving for my kids.  Especially with my daughter, I would like her to have another mother figure.  This will be something I will write about for her at least several times, because I don't ever want her to feel guilty about either calling someone else mom or for feeling affection like that for someone else.  I have written the same thing to my son.

However, I would like my husband to wait until both of my kids are done with high school.  My youngest is in 7th now.  I think he would probably do it anyway.  On the other hand, he is totally blind with no vision.  So I don't know whether it is fair to ask, but it is what I would prefer. 

Dreamwriter,, where are you finding these threads of people being upset about this one.  lol  I must be lucky enough to have avoided them otherwise i would have had some verbal diharea for them as well.

As far as the burying thing,,, I want my ashes scattered on the pond behind our house. Why do we need a final resting spot if we are cremated.  At one point i wanted to be planted with a new tree that would grow with my ashes mixed in the soil.  My kids could come visit the tree and know i was actually part of it.

Let's see, that's my cremation thing, now on to sex.  Wow, this has been on my mind lately.  I can't remember the last time we had sex... and my dh is a hottie lol.  It has occurred to me that we really need to somehow figure out how to make this a part of our life again.  I DO want him to find another love (as long as she deserves him!) and I would not want him to ever feel guilty about having sex be part of another relationship just because it wasn't part of ours for so long.  No he should NOT feel guilty, but I can see how he would.  On the other hand, I don't want him thinking "wow the new wifey really rocks my world, Vicki should have been like that!"  Oh, and I have told him that he absolutely can not find somebody w/ awesome boobs ~ that would just piss me off to no end.  Actually, she can't even have great hair, either, but I haven't told him that yet... baby steps. 

Yep...that's what I find hurtful (upsetting?) too. I know they don't mean to be unkind, but the notion that we'll see our dreams through together in the longer term, is so far removed from the truth, it hurts like crazy. I try to just smile, and let it pass, but think I'm going to have to be more outspoken about these issues. We're both 53-hubby could retire now (we've made provision for him to do so), but he's not ready yet-and neither am I. He loves his work, and I feel at the moment as much normality in his life as possible, has got to be a good thing. I'm the one with cancer not him! But when he talks of what might be happening several years down the track, my blood just runs cold. Perhaps it's a compliment in a way, to the fact that we're holding things together for the meantime-but to me it indicates that he really hasn't as yet accepted that my time with him is limited.

Aaahhhhh, found ya!! LOL  Actually, Kel told me.  Thanks, girlie, I came home and it was like "poof!", looked like a totally different board.  Good grief, I just can't get over the "folks" who come to the mets board to give their .02!  OK, nuff said.

While I still can't really talk openly about some of these deep topics, I've totally been there.  Funeral, kids, legacy, wife #2, etc.  Damn.  It's just such a black hole for me... so I ignore, live in the land of denial, at least for now.  It seems to work, but I am beginning to pull out old pictures of the kids and thinking about organizing them into albums.  that's about the best I can do right now.  

On the subject of life, I went to a sheep farm this weekend for a class on raising sheep.  Yes, I have ordered 3 ewes, a ram and a wether (gelding)!  So I am venturing into the sheep business on our farm.  I'm so excited, I feel like its the first thing I've looked forward to in a long time, other than day-to-day stuff.  I watched a little lamb be born and struggle to his feet.  So sweet! Made me think about life and its natural cycles, and that was okay.  

Marsha, I've wondered the same... the Mets board is anything but these days. No place is sacred.  I've played with the idea of whether we should start a thread that is clearly marked "Stage IV Only" with a "circle the wagons" kind of purpose.   Like "Stage IV Only: ___ ____ ___" Fill in the blanks!  Like this: "Stage IV Only:  Bitchfest"  LOL 

I love you gals!

Susan 

I got that sad future feeling this weekend when my DH started talking about planning a trip for next summer and when my kids were laughing about the little grandkids' first dates someday.  The other day I started to cry when I thought about my daughter hearing a song we like and her feeling so alone when I'm gone. 

I just turned 50 and it makes me so sad that I'm thinking about cremation, my hubby's next wife (he says he'll never marry again), and my fear of what will happen in my body between now and my death.  Reading your posts makes me see that we all are doing these things to varying degrees.  This kind of honesty helps me to feel better about things.

I think it is a good move, I hope that people will see it and use it... I just hope that people know what "mets" means!

Susan