Facing the Future

I love Japanese Janis, make sure and have a glass of Plum Wine!

You know you hear people say he/she was terminal and the family had time to prepare?  That really spooks me now.  Is that what our DH, friends and family are already starting to do?  Not like they realize they are doing it, but detaching in some way to protect themselves for the inevitable?  Sometimes when people act sad around me I want to say, Please, wait, I'm not dead yet!  LOL 

I saw a therapist a couple of times who basically told me to stop worrying about other peoples  (non bc) feelings when responding to questions or comments they make that I find insensitive or stupid.  His suggestion was to go ahead and respond with what you are thinking instead of just getting my feelings hurt.  A friend recently used the "none of us know our time, we could get hit by a bus tomorrow" bullcrap and I said "Yeah you are right.  My point is I have the damn bus to worry about along with knowing I am standing in the middle of the road and I can see it turning the corner".   She finally got it when I told her dying like that sounded delightful to me.  haha

OMG Marsha! My sister keeps saying that---or, "I could die in my sleep tonight!" I told her the difference is-the bus has my name on it & will jump the curb to get me (& it's an express bus!) & that either was preferable to what is likely!! LOL

I musts admit that sometimes I get PO'd at the thoughtless things ppl say. A couple of years ago I ran into an old pastor at a gathering. Unfortunately for him, HE was the 1000th person to say "But you LOOK good!" I responded by asking if he & everyone else expected me to have weeping sores on my face...poor man! He still sends a Christmas card..god bless him! LOL

Be well & stay strong 

Wow, miss 2 days and there's a novel to read.....

Whoa, you have given me lots to thnk about on the hubby side.

Will post after I thought about this...

Just a thought for the password, I like being able to log on once and not worry.  I found this link by accident and I am glad I did, :}

As far as the looking good comment, I HATE that !!!!  I always want to say that what did you expect, death warmed over.....

What is it about church?  People tend to insert foot more there then anywhere else.  That's where I have heard the "Oh wow, you are so lucky, I had cancer 25 years ago (removed a small lump and then rads) and the new chemos are so much easier."  Easier then what?  A room full of mustard gas?lol

I really miss church tho, because of the low blood counts, I can;t go yet...too many people come sick....lol...

randie

Hugs Randie---Your post made me LOL....maybe it happens more at church cuz the ppl there tend to care more openly? Doesn't make it appropriate!

I went to church anyway--just sat in back BEHIND the sickies & left b4 they could swamp me with their germs!

Germ-free hugs! (no mustard gas either!) 

Like you EWB, I haven't asked for a prognosis-I really don't want to know. I feel relatively well at the moment, and find that focusing on a future I won't have is just too upsetting. I was diagnosed, Nov 2007, and really didn't expect to see Xmas 2008...but I did. As yet, I haven't started the decluttering etc-and don't want to plan my funeral. I wonder if that's something best left for those left behind? I want it to be a comfort for them-if possible-so maybe they are the ones who should choose how to say goodbye?

I'm more fearful of the last stage-will I be aware of much, etc. I'm petrified of becoming incontinent, for example. I have decided-I think!-that I would prefer to spend my last days in the hospice, rather than at home. Had you asked me pre mets disagnosis, I would have said that I'd prefer to die at home-but now I'm facing that reality, I think hospice will be best for me. I can't bear the thought of the love of my life having to deal with sleeping in the bed in which I died. I want to protect him so much, and I'm so angry that there's so little I can do to achieve this.

I know what you mean about wanting to protect your family and kids.  I bounce back and forth between the die at home and die elsewhere issue.  My daughter and I were discussing ghosts the other day.  She asked me out of the blue if I believed in them, and I said no, because I don't.  I asked her, and she said she did.

Only later it occurred to me that this might be another reason not to die at home.  It is likely my dh and kids will be here for a while.  I don't want the place that is supposed to be a refuge to become a place of fear.  It is so impossible to get inside their heads, and do we ever know what anyone else is really thinking?

Diane, your welcome about the link I posted.  Sorry I didn't get back sooner.  Have been going through the blackness lately, and not in the mood to post.  Good luck to your son this weekend.

Have a great weekend everyone. 

HUGS-I'm remembering being at home after loosing a loved pet. There wasn't a spot that didn't make me think of them & miss them-I guess I have spent so much time "being sick" here that there won't be a spot they won't look at & remember SOMETHING about me, either...sigh-----guess it could matter WHERE I am when the time comes.......it MIGHT give dh comfort to sleep where I have practically LIVED for weeks/months at a time.......but not sure dying here would be a good idea---thanx AGAIN for helping me see another important issue I need to consider more deeply!

Be well & stay strong 

OK--sometimes I wonder if I have a long fuse or I'm just slow on the uptake, but there are more threads springing up about the dust-up in the mets forum.....I am tiring of it all & just posted my last thought on the subject----it needs to die a natural death! Appropriate to this thread, no?? LOL

Dream (& all)-did you see my new boy on the bitch thread? He has been to the vet 2 times in the 3 days I've had him----hope he is going to recover cuz we just love him! If not, at least I gave him a home to stretch out in & not a tiny cage like the one he has lived in for the last 2-3 months! The commonly held attitude is that he should get better away from the shelter---I'm gonna do my best to get him there!

Hugs all---sleep deep & dream sweet! 

Sigh, very appropriate here Sainty, and it's taking all that I have in my New York Girl soul not to respond anymore to anyone about the stupid dust up thread.  lol  It's quite difficult for me, but I'm trying very, very hard . :-)

I never asked for a prognosis either....don't want to know, don't need to know......although I DO KNOW the statistics.....but I refuse to believe them.  I love denial land......it's a pretty world.

Hubby and I told our kids when I found out I had Stage IV, what that meant, how there are bad like "bubbles in my body"......but we did not say the word "die".  I don't think, for us, it's the right thing to do.....They are so young, let them love me, live life, and enjoy it all....and enjoy me.  When the time comes that I have to tell them?  Wow.   I'll want a bunch of you all here with me to get through it, because as we've all said.....only "we" get it.

I hope your new boy keeps up his health ((((((Saint))))))))) you, my dear.....are a one in a million.  Just wanted you to know that. :-)  You make me smile.....:-)

On a humorous note this evening......since I'm so not in a joyous mood this weekend (hubby is going away til Wed for work, leaving tomorrow early a.m., this stupid fundraiser I am chairing, oh.my.god....I can't wait for it to be over on the 19th, its a nightmare, my girl Kayla's been sick, I'm cranky, tired, and the hotflashes are out of this HEMISPHERE tonight.......lol ty for letting me vent ;-)

Oh right......so back to the humorous note.  Think I've read above how there are always friends or whomever that say "Well, you could get hit by a bus or truck tomorrow, ya know?!"......mmmmhmmmm well I actually KNOW SOMEONE that got HIT BY A TRUCK.......I wouldn't be making light of it at ALL, if she weren't completely OK, but the woman got NAILED by a truck and if she weren't so skinny? She may not be here to tell the tale!   Under the TIRES but SQUEEZED out somehow in that kinda "nailed by a truck" way......wth???  Bending over getting GAS at a gas station nailed by a truck.......freaks me OUT!

BUT.....it happens.  lol   And I can now truly say when someone says to me about dying of cancer that "well you could also get hit by a TRUCK tomorrow too!".....

"I DO know someone!"    lol   

OK, on that note, gonna say goodnight.....hugs to you all, just so happy you're all here.

WOW, I have sat here this evening reading all these posts and outpouring of emotions.  I know I try to remain as upbeat and positive as I can.  I guess that is my defense mechanism to all this.  Then I read everyone discussing the issues of a sex life and if their husbands will move on and it brings even more tears to my eyes.

I have to fight this disease as hard as I can, so far I have been fortunate in that.  But we all know how quickly that can change.  My husband died in 1999, my bc dx was in 1998.  When I was going thru chemo my husband, the love of my life, man of my dreams was crumbled by a mental illness.  He had developed paranoid schzophrenia over the last few years of our marriage.  Life in my home became very challenging as he kept talking about murder suicide plots involving our family.  When he started hiding knives claiming I was trying to kill him I actually was afraid he would kill my children and me and made him go live with his family in MI.  His family blames his death on me but I think I did the only thing to save my childrens lives!

Not only was I trying to complete chemo while I was telling my 4 children their father was dead, I had to complete the chemo and radiation.  I also had a scare with a new lump on my scar within 6 months of tx.  I didn't have the luxury of a board like this to find help.  I sailed thru my last few years in life thinking I beat this thing when I got slammed with this damned disease again.

My biggest fear is who will raise my children?  There is no longer a father and no one I really want or trust to complete raising them with the values I want them to have.  I don't want a family member to take them because they have to and resent having them put a strain on their family.  It is a very difficult situation for me to face.  I guess I have chosen to try and not look at it yet but I sure wish I could rely on someone to care for them. 

I feel the strong need and desire to push ahead no matter what the costs to me to fight this disease so that they can all get thru college and start their lives.  I can't imagine turning 18 and having no parents left for me and to be that alone in this big scary world.  that is what I worry about daily for my children.  I guess I must maintain my strength to try and fight harder to make my goal.

I even said today that I can make peace with this desease and die from this if I know my kids have careers and can find a way to make it in this world.  I have nothing worldly to leave them!  My husband did not have life insurance and I had to work full time plus all these years to raise these kids.  Now bumping down to disability makes life even more difficult to maintain in todays economy.  I guess we all have so many things to worry about and fear. Right now my biggest fear is what will happen to my kids more so than what happens to me.

I guess reading all this allows me to put my fears out there in writing and realize them than hold them in.  This damn disease sucks no matter how you look at it.

LuAnnH

Your struggles are so much more intense than what i've had to go through. I think thats why you've come out so much more positive than myself.  Everything looks like a small hurdle to you compared to what you've had to endure in the past.  I can't imagine going through this without my husband but you have had to and I compliment you on how you managed it. I'm a needy person and without someone to sob to and explain my fears,, I'd be huddled in a corner sucking my thumb.  You hang in there girl friend.  I need your up beat outlook as I mentioned the other day. I'm learning from it I really am.

huggs

Lynn

I wanted to add to my post last night, I forgot to address my thoughts on where I die and what I want done afterward.  I really want things to be as easy on my kids as possible and I hope to work everything out for them ahead of time.  Although I've made no attempts to settle anything yet, but I do know I don't want to die in the house.  My dad died in my house when I was a kid.  My mom was freaking out having me hold him up while she was trying to get an ambulance.  He died in the house and even though that was over 30 years ago I remember it clearly and that house has terrible memories in it.  I want my kids to remember home as the warm loving place that it always was for them.

I am not going to be buried next to my husband, he is in Ft Custard National Cemetary in Michigan and they reserved a spot next to him for me if I want it.  My oldest son who is in the military wants that plot so I am letting him have it.  I don't have family in MI anyway so it doesn't make sense to me.  I don't even know if I want to be buried, cremated or donating to science.  I really just don't know the best answer for me but that is what I am thinking about.  If I am buried it will probably be at a little cemetary near my home in Cincinnati.  Feels weird though, your final resting place to be somewhere you have no real family, but does it matter.  After a while nobody really shows up at the cemetary, so whats the point?  Ok, lots of rambles but it does feel good to get this out.

Maybe because this gives us some sense of control over our lives.  Think about it, we control how we live and what we do and then cancer takes over.  By controlling what happens afterwards is like telling this disease to "F" itself because we are still in control.