Facing the Future

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  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited March 2009

    My husband was playing a song the other day.... and the words suddenly hit me

    Marry one and its good, marry again and you're dead

    Made me laugh.  Then we talked about it.  He says that he feels that my death does not release him from his vows.  He feels that he will remain married to me until HIS death.  I pointed out that perhaps  it would be his chance for a more normal sexual relationship and his answer was "dont have to be married to get that!"

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  • KLynn
    KLynn Member Posts: 1,407
    edited March 2009

    OHhh Badboob...You really hit a tender spot in my heart with your questions about our hubbys'...I think that is the hardest part of all of this ...I've seen a few of my friends husbands move on with their lives, and it's hard, really hard seeing them "almost forget" the past..Now I know in my heart it is what they need to do, and what if best for everyone in their lives BUT it doesn't make it hurt any less...

    I'm only 47 and have been with my hubby since I was 16..I know I will always be his first love and probably his most loved-love...But I too was planning on growing old together...This yr we will be married 27 yrs..I remember when I was first dx.(almost 9yrs ago) my boys were only 12 and 15, and I thought God help any woman that tries to come into my home and be a mother to  my sons, mind you not that they are bad kids, but that we are such a '''tight " family...My boys would have made this poor womans' life miserable , out of anger that I was not there..I did sit and talk to them about their Dad some day moving on, and that they had to respect his judgment, and his needs to move on with his life..I got the "yyeahhh right mom .." faces...I wasn't sure if I believed it myself or not, but I tried..

    Now I figure I'll just try to hang in there as long as I can, I'd like to have more years with him then his next wife...If I can hang in there until HE is an old man, then the chances are that he will marry for companionship not love...He says he'll never remarry, but I don't believe that, he hates to be alone....hmmmmm..There is one rule though....she is NOT allowed to touch my stuff...lol Especially my jewelry.....  Oh and one other thing..she better  not be one of those YOUNG trophy wives, because my boys now 20 and 23  would never allow that ..They would have a field day with my husband...They are daddys' boys for sure.....She is going to have to be a"mom".....

    Hey this is just being honest..Yes it does hurt... He is a great husband, and we have a great relationship...I think he knows I will always be watching..and with him.We've only talked a bit about this, he is still in denial about things...KLynn...xo

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  • KLynn
    KLynn Member Posts: 1,407
    edited March 2009

    Oh and one quick other point...I already bought "OUR" plots together...With no room on either side for wifey # 2....LOL..Trying to plan ahead...KLynn

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  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited March 2009

    I, too, have been with my husband since I was 16, we got married as soon as I turned 18 (he's two years older) and now we're 54 and 56.  I tell him sometimes that I hope he will find someone after I'm dead, but he refuses to even think about that.  Our kids are grown and we have grandchildren to keep him busy, but he doesn't like to live alone.

    But, he's a very "out there" kind of super intellectual space engineer philosopher and it will be hard for him to find someone who gets him, and also cooks like a goddess (his words) and makes beer for him, so I'm not too worried that I'll be replaced.  But, I find myself looking around at single women my age and wondering who I'd pick for him.  I'm not a very "hands off" kind of person, I guess.

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  • badboob67
    badboob67 Member Posts: 2,780
    edited March 2009

    See, now here is where I'd like to elaborate, but I don't want my sons to read this kind of stuff about their dad.  UGH

    Maybe it has to do with trust issues in general.  I'd really like to say it's ok with me for him to move on and mean it.  I'm just not there and don't know if I ever will be.  I also had a stepmother when I was younger that was really horrible to my brothers and me. I worry my kids might have to deal with something like that too.

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  • KLynn
    KLynn Member Posts: 1,407
    edited March 2009

    Well ladies I jump from here being honest and talking about "real" thoughts , to the Random silliness posts. .Keeping it real, and silly at the same time...Trying to keep it all normal too.. I guess..KLynn.

    Oh and Fitz...I would give anything to have a journal from my mother now, it may have taken some time to read it, but I would now and cherish it forever..so keep on journaling for you kids....I'm going to try and start some this week..Thanks......

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  • ElaineD
    ElaineD Member Posts: 2,265
    edited March 2009

    I feel exactly the same. It ties me in knots to think of hubby with someone else (we've been together since we were 15!). I want him to be happy when I've gone, but it breaks my heart to think we won't grow old together (we're 53). At the same time, I worry about him being alone-but then, he is quite a loner-as am I-no neeed for busy socilal lives-our home and family are the centres of our universe. Then I find myself thinking, well, as he's quite an independent loner, he'll maybe want to be alone (and that comforts me-is that not just too awful.....he comes from a healthy brood who tend to live into their 90s, so he could have many years alone).In some of my worst nightmares, I picture him falling for some money digging youngster, who will clear him out! But in my heart, I wonder, that as we've grown up and developed together, if he could actually be comfortable with anyone else, let alone love anyone else. I should tell him my fears, but when I last tried, he said not to worry about him, he would be fine-which of course, I took completely the wrong way, and ended up even more upset. All the guy meant was that we should cherish what we have now, and not worry about the future before we have to do so.

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  • saint
    saint Member Posts: 1,877
    edited March 2009

    HO BOY! A fine kettle of fish THIS topic is!! LOL I have talked to dh about this. I even went so far as to try to CHOOSE someone who would be waiting in the wings-someone who could step in & care for my kids & my man--there were actually TWO women I considered, that I loved.......HE just LOL! He said if he hadn't met me he'd likely never have married or become a father! I sorta think he's spot-on when he tells me he will never marry again...for MANY reasons, but mainly cuz he is a deep thinker who likes to be alone! I don't think he sees any reason to remarry. He actually said he'd enjoy traveling the world without any concern for what another person might want to do.......after all these years I THINK I know who he is & that sums HIM up--it's the que of casserole makers that worries me! They'll see him as a good provider & well trained dh! I wonder if he will be able to hold them off with a stick!!! My youngest sis said she'd be sure to be a junkyard dog & defend his widower-hood as she took their food & slammed the door in their faces!!! LOL

    Klynn---my friend & I just had a LONG talk about "pacts" & "sending signs " from beyond! We both decided that it must have to do with how open we are to WHAT & HOW the sign can come..... In our experience we feel dreams have been the most reliable way for our loved ones to contact us since we have both had some really unexplainable things happen in those dreams that make us feel they are TRUE........hugs! 

    Diane---maybe YOUR truth is exactly what your sons will be seeking! Only you can say, but I KNOW my dh,family & friends will be here reading every damned post they can find---(HI GUYS! LOL) I don't want to varnish the truth of my life--whatever it's been. Our kids probably already know the secrets we'd like to keep just from living with us. 

    I DO NOT know what is best for my family after I am gone! I USED to think If I can only hang on til they finish Middle school...then it was HS, now I wonder..IF I die after both kids are away at college will that be too hard for each of them to all be alone?? But IF it is soon--will they all 3 stay here rattling around in this big house & NOT live their lives? I can NOT manipulate a future that I won't be here for & letting go of that "responsibility" has given me GREAT peace........

    Lastly, scan results were good:bone & MRI are unchanged/stable & CT said the 4mm lung lesion previously seen is not demonstrated! I'll take that good news-but we still don't know what is causing my pain. I suspect liver dammage due to chemo--the good news there is that we tracked liver function & everything returned to normal while I was on my break last year-so if it continues to trend too high I'll just take another break, then go back on xeloda since it seems to be working so well for me!  

    HUGS all---this thread feels like a new home! Sorry I am menopolizing the recliner!

    be well & stay strong 

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  • DaughterMom
    DaughterMom Member Posts: 160
    edited March 2009

    I have a comment to make about widowed husbands.  My FIL, is 94, and he lives with us.  When he lost his wife to cancer many, many years ago, he never remarried.  I always wondered why?  I questioned my DH, once, if he ever had a girlfriend.  My DH was only 15  when his mother died, and it was tough on him, he was the baby boy of the family of girls, who where much older than he was, he was the surprise baby.  He says that his father dated, and may have found a lady to spend the rest of his life with at one point.  DH said he may have made it difficult for his father and did not like the "other women" in his father's life.  DH now questions his motives, and sometimes feels guilty about it.  But, my FIL is a lady's man in all aspects, he loves to joke and flirt with his nurses and homecare workers, and he is truley a happy man, not lonely in any way.  His grandchildren to keep him busy.  I don't know what I am trying to say, but maybe, your gentle conversations with your children and husbands will help them in the future.

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  • saint
    saint Member Posts: 1,877
    edited March 2009

    Diane--post the truth! You can delete it in a few weeks or give your password to someone you trust to be sure they do it for you in a timely manner! HUGS I just want you to try to purge your demons here as everyone else is......

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  • LynnW
    LynnW Member Posts: 191
    edited March 2009

    Badboob,, good point.  Had the same discussion with mine. I resent the thought of someone picking up where I left off.  He gets teary eye'd though and says he might as well stay single as he's so picky and could never find what he has with me and doesn't want to. Those are the words i thought i wanted to hear,, but seeing his face,, his fear,, and knowing how he can become a hermit if allowed to,,, I find myself encouraging him to find someone to be a companion.  I'm not really gealous as much as envious of the future lady in his life, but if the tables were turned and he was dieing,, I know he'd want me to not be alone. My husband also said he wishes he was in my place,, because being left behind is the painful part.  I'll be gone,, and i won't know I'm gone or that he's moving on with someone and i'll also not be crying in my sleep without my loved one,, and looking at old photos and happy times.  I think the ones we leave behind are really the ones that this is hitting the most.  If they can find someone to talk to  after we are gone and they want to be with that person, ,then its the best thing.  Besides... they will be talking about how much they miss us anyway,, lol

    you've all been with your husbands for years.  I've only been with mine for 5 years yet he seems to be connected to me as if we have been together our whole lives. I was married for 17 years to my ex husband who was abusive,,  and my new husband is my knight in shining armour. I envy you that were able to spend so many years with your men.  I have only had a short time,, yet we both agree it was the time of our lives. Whenever something good happens to me,, something bad seems to follow in its shadow and i guess this disease was it.

     My Dad met a woman my age a year after my mother died.  We were all in shock,, but turns out shes very old fashioned and resembled my mother in appearance.  This seemed to comfort my dad and get him through.  He'd never have been able to be happy without her,, so it turned out for the best.

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  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited March 2009

    If I die before dh, I want him to be happy, whatever that means to him at that time. I know that I will never be forgotten, and that I will never be replaced as a wife or mom. If he were to meet someone who made him happy... it will be a different love, a different family. He will know when its right, if its right.

    He is the love of my life and I can't imagine life without him. I want he and the children to know its ok to move on, when its right for them and that I will always be with them, just in a different way.

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  • saint
    saint Member Posts: 1,877
    edited March 2009

    AMEN!

    Another reason I don't worry about what dh & the rest will be doing--I firmly believe that I will be in a glorious place; that I will have a new understanding; that all things will be made clear in such a way that I will not be "homesick" for this life------we will all know the indescribable joy together in time!

    HUGS 

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  • KellyC
    KellyC Member Posts: 834
    edited March 2009

    So this is where everyones hangin' out now?  :-) 

    I'll be back to let my hair down for sure. 

    Hugs

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  • KellyC
    KellyC Member Posts: 834
    edited March 2009

    A quick question, this is the only place I think it's good to ask this and I know it's off topic and hope you don't mind................what if I were able to start a message board, password protected, and semi-easy for me to set up....just for us Stage IV ladies?  Would that be a good thing to do?  I wouldn't want to step on any toes or anything at all, but I think it might be a great thing for us.  Complete privacy. 

    What do ya think?

     Have made 2 boards prior for a game site I was on, and just for me and my friends....so I know what I'm doing and am more than willing to give it a try if people would like to join. 

    xoxo

    Kel

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  • KLynn
    KLynn Member Posts: 1,407
    edited March 2009

    Who told Kelly where we were????

    We was hiding from you , silly !!!!!!!!!!

    I think that would work Kel....How would others know where to find it though??

    There seems to be many subjects that we haven't even tackled yet, everyones insight is so amazing.. I'm starting to see little bits of info, that makes me think I'm not alone at thinking about these things..How many of us lay awake at night with thoughts , thinking we are the only one...I see Fitz saying she felt so alone when she started Taxotere,and didn't know what to say on the boards..I felt the same at different times, so it was easier not to say much at all...

    Oh and by the way ladies Patty4 (Patty that was at your house Kel, from Long Island) is not feeling well, she needs our prayers, her scans were not what she was hoping for..Not sure how much I can say..But please pray for her, she has 4 little ones at home...

    Huggles KLynn

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  • KellyC
    KellyC Member Posts: 834
    edited March 2009

    I'd need everyone to pm me their email addy's.......like I said, it's a thought, if I got a good response, I'd absolutely do it for everyone.  No biggie if ya don't like the idea at all too so let me know if ya hate the idea too  lol.  :-)

     I'm sorry to hear about Patty4.....yes, please tell her I'm praying for her and that I'm always here if she needs me.  I'll even take a ride out to her beautiful area out on Long Island and come cheer her up with wine and the same cheese from the shop in her town....gawd that cheese was so good. :-)  She's a lovely person.

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  • badboob67
    badboob67 Member Posts: 2,780
    edited March 2009

    Kelly, I'd probably join in something like that. I just joined facebook this week; I can't believe how stupid it's making me feel!  I used to catch on rather quickly and never have had the trouble like I've had wrapping my head around facebook stuff that *should* be simple! I'm going to blame it on chemo brain because the alternative is that I'm just toooooooooopid! LOL

    I know that my oldest son, if he really wants to, will manage to crack any password protected item on my laptop after I'm gone so a password protected site won't really deter him.  I guess the things I want to talk about are things that I'd probably share with my kids years into the future. They're just not the sort of things I'd want them to read about shortly after I'm gone. They're going to need to lean on their dad, not be angry with him.

    Prayers going out for Patty4 (and EVERYONE!)

    (((HUGS)))

    Diane

    PS:  If any of you have noticed a decidedly bitchy tone to my posts this week, I found out why yesterday.  My middle DS came down with strep. I thought I'd successfully avoided it but found out differently at the onc's yesterday.  I'm one of those odd people who gets emotional/mental symptoms with strep.  It was kind of a relief to hear about the strep, though...I thought I'd turned a corner and wasn't coming back! LOLOLOL  I apologize to anyone I offended.

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  • nosurrender
    nosurrender Member Posts: 2,019
    edited March 2009

    Hi Guys,

    I am wishing you all the best.

    Hugs

    g

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  • LynnW
    LynnW Member Posts: 191
    edited March 2009

    Its likely a good idea for some, but,,,,,I don't think I would join.,, only because i still have various friends on this site that may or maynot come to this particular subject thread.  If i join another site on top of this one,, i'm bouncin all over the country. lol  To me this is an easy all in one area to get business done.   As you can see im a home body.  Just hope that if any of you ladies jump ship that you'll pop in so i can stay in touch.  Feels kinda like you'll be leaving me. :(

    I really don't know how much privacy we need. We are successfully discussing everything from sex,, (or lack of) to end of life decisions,, to pain and emotional distress as well as the fear of the unknown.  In a way I already feel as though I don't belong in life and by separating to a more private internet forum, again I'm feeling as though I can't fit in here.  I don't know if you know what I mean.  Just call me weird. 

    huggs

    lynn

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  • LynnW
    LynnW Member Posts: 191
    edited March 2009

    I think a password protected area on this board would work ok,, but what happens when new women ends up in the met site and needs somewhere to go. If its password protected they can't tell if its where they want to be or not because its not visible.

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  • KellyC
    KellyC Member Posts: 834
    edited March 2009

    Aww, this really isn't a "jump ship" kinda idea, not even close, I really didn't mean it that way at all............just an easy place to set up that would be completely private for those who wanted complete privacy...didn't even think that anyone would leave her, I know I wouldn't, this is "home" .

    That's why I wanted opinions, glad I'm getting them :-)  I won't even think to do it if people think we're gonna be leaving here.

    xoxo 

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  • KellyC
    KellyC Member Posts: 834
    edited March 2009

    Yikes!  Really bad idea to post what I did about the msg board, I am SO sorry  lol.....I thought it might be a good idea, but so NOT with all the pm's and posts that are coming around....lol  I am SO sorry again, am always looking to make my Stage IV sistahs happier and thought a private site would help.  I won't bring it up anymore, I really meant it in the best of intentions for the chicks I luv here.  Smooch smooch!!!  And I MEAN these smooches!  ;-)  lol

    On THAT note.......I've been thinking of a conversation I had with a very good friend of mine....we were buzzed, having a great time, laughing.......and I go and ruin it by saying "I really would like you to do my eulogy one day".    I mean, who even says these things at 40 years old, while out having a great time besides me???   Have you ever done something like that? Just blurted something about your death??  Sigh.

    I put a damper on the evening, but I meant it.....he'd give me an amazing eulogy, would be one of the few to be able to keep it together.  I  joked that he looked so good in a suit, that he'd be shinin' up there on the altar..........and he looked at me like he was going to cry.   Good job Kel.  Sigh. I'm an ass. 

    Life is just not normal anymore.

    xoxoxo

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  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited March 2009

    Kelly C.... it is never a bad thing to make a suggestion.  Maybe there are people with a great need for privacy.  Im not one of them.  But I am sure there are others.  You are not an ass. But life is NOT normal anymore.

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  • luvtotravel
    luvtotravel Member Posts: 933
    edited March 2009

    I so hope this all straightens out. I know there has been some major problems but we really need each other.  Now more than even.

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  • ElaineD
    ElaineD Member Posts: 2,265
    edited March 2009

    Suggestions are good Kelly, and it might be useful to do this at some point in the future. From a personal viewpoint, I'm hoping that posting here will give us sufficient privacy/confidence to post our innermost fears. I think many of us hesitate to do this now on the mets forum-I've just posted there that I feel as if I'm being squeezed out of there, as it really doesn't feel as if it's a place for stage 1V anymore. I've also suggested several times that a seperate, locked forum for stage 1V-in addition to,not as a replacement for- the existing board could be helpful, but am not sure if many people are in agreeement with this idea.

    Consequently, we can start as many discussions as we like here, and surely anyone reading in this section of the forum,must be prepared to read frightening and at times unpalatable truths.

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  • saint
    saint Member Posts: 1,877
    edited March 2009

    FIrst---I vow to NEVER post anything so huge again! Holy smokes!  Sorryyyyy......

    Kelly-thank you for your offer to give us a special, safe place. I totally understand your loving intention. 

    What is "normal?" Growing up with a mom who seemingly has had cancer for as long as you can remember is NOT the "norm" but it is OUR normal. In many ways I think it has had a positive affect on my kids. I can honestly say that I don't think there has been much about this that has "damaged" them........anyone else have a take on this?? 

    I KNOW there are "nons" reading here--HUGS sistas! I avoided all mets talk like poison until 2 years into my mets dx. Each to her own. We are all adults----anyone can turn this off at any time. One friend told me it helps her understand MY journey cuz she thinks I say things here I don't say to her (I thought I had no filter & told everyone everything!!! LOL- LOVE YOU!)  

    I talk about my demise with lots of ppl (usually as a joke.) It has created a kind of desensitizing for them. So I figure each time I do it gets easier for them to hear it. My BF & I sat in a restaurant & talked about "messages from beyond" yesterday & we only teared-up once! But then, she has heard a LOT of this & is well-schooled...

    This journey has no clearly marked path, but together we can keep cobbling a new map!

    Love ya all--mets & nons! Be well & stay strong 

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  • badboob67
    badboob67 Member Posts: 2,780
    edited March 2009

    Saint,

    What you said about there being some positive effects on our kids is something I've thought about too.  I've often thought about what good can come from my dx and experience.  I realized that everyone has some pretty devastating things happen in their life eventually and most learn and grow from the experience.  I feel like my kids can come out of this stronger and able to face other things that will come in the future because they've already been through something pretty horrible.

    I have 3 boys and sometimes I think that this might be easier for them because they are boys. I do think they live with a pretty high level of anxiety a lot of the time, but we've been at this three years and they continue to plug along. They do know the score; they know that mom's treatments aren't going to work forever. One of our family friends died from bc mets about 18 months ago. I think that sort of drove the point home for them. I also think that they appreciate the importance of milestones a bit more than the average kid. My oldest will be graduating high school this year. I know one of his fears was that I wouldn't live long enough to be there.

    My boys do have a pretty good support system. We have a wonderful church family and their teachers probably know more than they should (small town, you know!).  We have pretty open communication, but none of them has straight up asked me the really hard questions. I do suspect that is partially because of the crap my mil and dh have filled their heads with. Dh's family has some odd (in my opinion) attitudes toward illness. I do know that I take time to tell them things and talk about things that I might not have had I not been given a stage IV diagnosis. I probably spend too much time telling them what it was like when I was a kid or my thoughts about things that don't seem relevant to them now. I also think that we have more quality time together than a lot of people. Often, one of them will lie down in bed with me to watch a movie or somesuch and we'll get a chance to just "be" together.  I don't think most teenaged boys do that. 

    Hope everyone has a good weekend!  I'd appreciate prayers for my oldest DS who is auditioning for the music program at his college today.  He's already been accepted to the honors college (woohoo!), but he'd be heartbroken not to make it into the music program.

    ((((HUGS)))
    Diane

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  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited March 2009

    Wow, some good thoughts and conversations.

    I am like Saint..I was thinking about lining up some women that my DH could date after I was gone. He is such a procrastinator that it probably would never happen.  LOL. I am not a jealous person by nature. I don't care if someone marries him. He is a good guy. They just better treat my boys well or I will HAUNT her ass!

    As to my boys? My goal is HS graduation. But I know deep deep in my soul, no matter when I go they will be okay. They will recover and thrive. I was able to set them up in the early years. Don't they say the first 5 are the most important? I have a wonderful DH & he is a great father. God willing, he will be there for them. If he is not, I have a wonderful family that will step in and support and kick butt if needed (I have given them advanced permission).

    As to 'coming back' and sending a sign. If it is possible, I am not going to miss a thing! I will be there in spirit at every major event and times when the need me.

    Diane - Good luck to your Son...

    KellyC - can't believe you just found us!!

    Oh, I posted my  'final' say on the other subject under the 'can't we have peace'. Is it me? I really didn't see anything really bad? Except for the one post discussion about not being a stage iv. I refuse to apologize for that thread. It needed to be said (about those stupid questions).

    Hang in ladies..

    I am off to have dinner with friends from work (girls night out). Japanese Steak house and I am going to have a martini or two!!

    I normally don't like to do these things. I feel like I should spend most of my free time with my family. How is that for good old catholic guilt!!

    Janis

    (potlicker not pot stirrer)

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  • ElaineD
    ElaineD Member Posts: 2,265
    edited March 2009

    Have fun potlicker-and good luck to Diane's DS. Some good and exciting news here too. Our daughter has just bought her first house-we heard a few hours ago that their offer had been accepted, and we've been bouncing with excitement ever since!

    Think the debate will rumble on for quite some time-I'm staggered that anyone can hope/expect us to be able to give any accurate thoughts on likely progression on a internet forum...Worried about something-have it checked out!

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