first chemo done

Hi there !

Dinner done, kitchen clean and now my son is making me nuts with his math homework.   But, have a little time to reflect here.

 Busy site tonight.  It has been quiet for a couple weeks and then seems to be ramping up a bit.  

 Cindy - Nice, as usual, hearing from you.  Sounds like you are doing about as well as can be expected, although sorry to hear about that rash.  As if you needed that on top of everything else.  I hope for your sake that the doc can limit your treatments.  It looks like you have been through enough.    The "depression"  and being really mad about not being "normal" -  I am afraid appears to be a common side effect that affects otherwise strong women.   If you were to page back through this thread, you will see a common theme of coming to grips with our own vulnerability and not liking it very much.   For some reason, these type of women seem to have found their way to this thread.  To be honest, that is one of the reasons I kept coming back here.   There was a group of really like minded women who were strong, did not care to have a victim mentality, but were willing to support when needed.   And all of us at one point were struggling with the fact that we were vulnerable.  So... welcome to the club on that front - even if it was one you did not want to join.   One thing I will tell you that might surprise you though, that through this I found that I could be vulnerable and my family still loved me, my co-workers still respected me, and the world went on.   And despite all the crap happening to you with this, the core of who you are still stays - it can't change who you are.  You will be "normal" again - and maybe a little smarter for all your trouble.  Now.. hang in there.  You can do this.

As for me.. yes, my skin is terrible right now.  My husband told me I looked "bruised" - and damn, if it doesn't feel that way.   BUT.... I am done with the regular treatments.  Today I had my first "boost" radiation.   It was a lot quicker, but has a this scary looking contraption they put on the machine.  It directs the beam right to the tumor bed site.   This time next week, I will be done with radiation.   You may hear a yell from Cincinnati that day !   And, I can get used to this braless thing.  So far I have been getting by with wearing thick sweatshirts (OK... my boobs are not that big to begin with).   I may go the cami route next week.  

Comingtoterms - Hi.  Nice screen name.  Did I see somewhere that your given name was Tammy ?   Anyway, welcome to our little clandestine thread.  I always liked this thread for the reasons mentioned above, and also because it is in the wrong place on the board, started by someone who never came back, but seemed to attract a great group of ladies who just kept coming back to support each other as best we could.   You have already picked up on the whole theme of us being the support system.    You know, I have met a number of teachers going through this.  All of them have said that the hardest part was not seeing their kids.  But, I do understand that your doc doesn't want you being around them given the germ factor.   I do know one lady who got her "fix" by going in once in a while to see her kids.  Her doc seemed to allow that if there were "rules" about hugging and the like.   My parents were both teachers (retired now), and very dedicated.  So, I do understand your frustration with this.    That said, you will be suprised at how fast the time can go.   Now is the time to focus on you and getting better.  You can't help them if you don't help yourself.  Quite a conundrum, eh ?   And yes, 48 is "young" by breast cancer standards - one rare benefit out of this !    Take care and let us know how you are doing.

mommy2dex - One advantage of being on a study is that they will watch her like a hawk.  I do like her attitude.  Also glad she is getting a port.  I could not imagine going through this without mine. 

Have a good evening ladies !  Welcome to all the new folks !

Jill

cruise4life....research is certaintly the key.  Relay for life is very big here in my small town.  I have quite a few girlfriends who are very active with the cause who have been touched personally by this disease.  Big fishing tournament coming up in a week actually with procedes going to relay. Hope you are well tonight and have a good weekend.

Miss Jill, I too am excited for you and am also looking forward to hearing that YELL next week. 

  You are all in my thoughts.  Til next time           Shannon(mommy2dex)

ps. I am going to set an appointment for my first mammogram.  We have a strong family history and now mom....doc says 33 is a good time to start . Boobie smusher here i come

     Jill,  I have found myself checking this thread throughout the day  to see if there are any new postings.  I have become attached to you in a strange way and find your writings comforting and genuine.  You really have a way about you. I hope you will continue to check in on the thread post treatment as you are an inspiration and i am sure all of these ladies have been to you as well.   

     My maternal grandmother was a breast cancer survivor two times over.  The first was a radical mastectomy in the 80's before they really knew much about how to treat breast cancer. The 2nd came in the 90's, another mastectomy.  I feel like such a jerk now for not knowing more about the particulars as far as type and the such, but I was a kid who just took for granted that grandma was alright and still with us.  Grandmas was also amazing and always joked that she didnt mind the loss of her breasts because she could pick a different size every day of the week.  She passed away about 5 years ago of another type of rare cancer that was in the billiary duct.

     When mom got the dx, I tried to get my hands on everything I could to find out more about this disease. I belive that they are going to test mom for the BRCA gene sometime in the future and my sister and I will both be looking into it as well.  There is a place in town to have this done.  We live in Florida, about 45 minutes away fron UF in a small town called Dunnellon.  A few of my girlfriends have made it a personal mission to raise the funds to find a cure for this in our lifetime.  One is a 29 year old survivor who has 13 members of her family positive for the BRCA gene, 6 of whom have had a form of cancer.

     I will close for the night and hope you ladies dont mind me taking up room on your thread with my stories.  I really did just take a shine to you all.  Like speaks to like.  I will be setting my mom up with a screen name so hopefully you will meet her soon.  She will be the beautiful bald lady.   Take care til next time    Shannon

 also, has anyone heard of or had a thermogram in lieu of a mammogram?

Well.. you ladies are certainly good for my ego.   And there would be some on this board that would say that is not necessarily a "good" thing because I have plenty of ego to spare.  

Shannon - Thank you for your kind words.  Over time, I have found that I have become very attached to some of the women on this board to the point I feel closer to them than I do to some people I see every day.  There is something to be said for shared experience.  Also, there is a certain freedom that comes from being able to be yourself without fear of ramifications or preconception.  I have actually met two women on this board in person.  Another one I talk to on the phone once in a while.   Some others e-mail back and forth.    I have learned a lot from the ladies I have met here and am grateful to them. 

As for coming on this board "post treatment"... well.. I got a LONG time before I am done with treatment, even though I am finishing radiation.   I will consider myself "done" when I get the port out, which will be about a year from now.  I still have 15 herceptin treatments over the next nine months or so.   So.. got a while.    That said, I think I would stay on anyway because a) it is good to give back, and b) I am interested in the idea of "surviorship".   How does one handle that ? What does it mean?  It is still part of the journey.

A couple of clarifications of things for you.  The BRCA test is a simple blood test that will be sent to Utah.   There is only one place in the US that does this test right now (largely given patent issues) - one reason why it is so darned expensive.   If your Mom tests positive, then you should likely get tested too.   But, be aware that it is a myth that breast cancer can only be passed on Mom's side.  In fact, less than 20% of breast cancers can be linked to a hereditary factor.  In the case of the BRCA mutation, it is passed on the X chromosome.  As women have two of these - one from Mom and one from Dad - it can be passed on either side.  So, pay attention to Dad's side too.  

As for a thermogram - most people still consider that an "add on" to mammograms (meaning it will supplement the sensitivity of your mammogram).  A thermogram detects subtle changes in heat that could indicate the forming of a mass.  A mammogram detects the mass itself.  I saw somewhere that mammograms could detect 85% of masses, while coupled with thermograms, the detection goes up to 95%.  Most folks like the idea of a thermogram because it does not require physical stuff like the "smushing" - rather it works by infrared imaging.   But, given the advances in digital mammography, I don't think it is a substitute.   That is my 2 cents on that.  

comingtoterms - Hi again.  You feel free to say what ever you want here.   There will be no bad "reaction".   Although, I will say, that there have been times that I have been called out on things when I needed to be (even as "club leader" - which is a title I did not know I had).   Looking back on it now, I am grateful for those times when those ladies called me out because I needed to be.   My friend Debbie, for example, called me out when I was over doing it and basically told me I had to slow down.   She was right.  But, I needed to hear it.    Sometimes a gentle "hit over the head" is warranted. 

Anyway,  your home life sounds a little crazy.   Now.. one thing I have found out is that for the older kids (particularly girls), they sometimes don't handle this so well.  And what you need to remember is that it is really more about them then about you.  They are scared.  However, as your girls are a little older, perhaps they will be be better about it.    Also, I am impressed about how both the hubby and the ex are there to take care of their kids.   Nice guys and nice support system.   There are not a lot of magic words when it comes to kids because households and kids are so different.  But, for what it is worth, I have found that being open and honest with them has been a good thing.  Kids know when you are BSing them.   I let them know, for example, that Mom's prognosis is good, but I am going to have to do a lot of stuff to make sure it stays that way.  Some of the stuff won't be too pleasant, but it was important.  I also let them know they would need to pick up the slack.. and to my surprise, they did.   So, just not trying to be wonder woman helps.  Remember, it is OK to let folks help you for once (that is the HARDEST thing to learn).   For the younger kids, it made a world of difference when they came into the treatment center one time when I was getting chemo.   My son, in particular, got to see that it was chairs (not hospital beds) - and there was even snacks and TV (way cool).    Turns out my daughter had a mental image of her Mom being tortured.   So.. unveiling what is really happening made a big difference in my house. 

You know, I have often thought about the whole nursing thing and then your boobs "turning on you".   I nursed both of my kids (liked to have never gotten my son weaned - he would not wean).  It does make you a little sad when something so wholesome becomes kind of sordid.   But, I suppose it is like that for a lot of things.   We get older - things come apart a bit.   Unfortunately it happens. 

Will be thinking about you on Tuesday.   Just remember.. take it one day at a time.  This journey is filled with milestones.   Check them off as you get to them.  And realize for every milestone passed, it is one step toward surviorship.   That's where you need to keep your head.. in the end game.  Got it ?

You ladies have a good night !  

Jill

Hi Everyone,

 It has been a while but I am happy to be back.  As some of you know I finished the last chemo.  I never thought I would write those words and I can remember other people writing them and feeling jealous. So part of me is unbelievable thrilled to be done with it and another part aches for all of you. I pray, hope, wish, etc. etc. that none of had to go through this adventure.  None of us know why we are chosen, it is just the unlucky card we were dealt.  Through this however I can tell you that I have had an unbelievable amount of friends come to my aid (every chemo cycle I had 3 to 4 dinners delivered), my husband and our teenage daughter have become much closer,  I have learned that it is OK to receive help from others, that I don't always have to be the "strong" one, and that other people really want and love to "give" to you.

Comingtoterms, I feel like I could have written exactly what you wrote, five months ago.  I was also not suppose to get breast cancer.  Also, premenopausal and only 50, in good shape, ate right etc.  You will make it through this.  This web site and others really will help you through the process, it has been a life saver for me.  You are also allowed to feel sorry for yourself here because we really really understand.  The teens that you mentor will be stronger because of you.  Even if you can't work through chemo, visit with them and  tell them what you are going through and that you are surviving and this could actually help them survive also.

I am going to see my plastic surgeon (PS) next week, I changed PS because I was able to get the pro!  The nurses at my general surgeons office says he is the most handsome man she has ever seen.  I think I better take my husband with me.  Really weird having a really handsome man check my boobs out?  Take care everyone. Kristi

Geez I dont know if I can handle 4 more of these...I am soooooooooo freakin tired of it all...tired of my nose bleeding, hurting, tired of the eyes watering..tired of it all.....today I am ok, guess the majority of it finally left my body, if it weren't for the side effects I would feel normal...I plan on asking the onc, well the mid level assistant since that's all I see till the middle of the month about it.I'm probably just going to hear, yea that will go away, since that's her favorite saying. I told her last time, that's fine hon, but it's easy for you to say, you're not going through this. ..I hate being down like that....Oh and lost my baby toenail last nite, wonderful...

I apologize if I sound like a whining 2 yr old, I have just had every SE you can possibly get and it's getting old...

Hugs

Deb

Went today for #9, THREE MORE TO GO. Already achey.....yahoooo.................she did tell me she thought I was depressed told her how down I had been, so she prescribed Lexapro for me....so hopefully that will help a little...that's the worse part for me is being so down in the dumps, I'm normally a happy go lucky person and will do anything for a laugh, but I think the laugh has gone outta me. But I'm really counting on these pills. Took it when I got home, so far I don't feel sluggish or drowsey, guess time will tell...

And yes we will kick it Cindy along with the rest of the gals!!!!!!!!!!! And we will keep it gone. I'm trying to stay positive here. And I have met Jill, she's a doll, really smart and very inspirational...she's PM'd me several times cheering me up....

Take care babe

Hugs and Prayers

Deb

Good Evening, Ladies !

Well... made it through the LAST radiation.   Yeah !!!!!   I am tired, sore as hell and happy to have another milestone out of the way !    (Cindy - Did you hear the yell in all the way over there in Vacaville?).

After the treatment, they gave me a "certificate" signed by the tech crew, congratulating me for finishing my course of radiaton therapy with "courage and determination".   I thought that was a nice touch. 

Doc says I will be sore and red for about another three weeks.  But..  I can let these darn marks go away now, use deodorant under that arm, take a bath, and eventually wear a bra again, etc, etc. etc.   Amazing what we take for granted.

Anyway, hope everyone is having a good night.

Jill  

Hi!

I have got to share this with all....

I haven't posted much as I finished my Chemo on January 7th. And I have been coming here and reading every now and then, but I have been reading and posting in the Rads section as I am going through my 30 treatments of Radiation (half ways through now)

Anyways tonight I discovered that I can now slide my reading glasses up on top of my head and they won't slide back down...Ya-hoo!  Reason?!.....Because my hair is growing! I am so excited about this....for months my glasses have fallen back down if I tilted my head forward just a little...no hair to hold them up there. It was only two weeks ago my reading glasses would slide back down. But tonight nope.....I am finally getting enough hair to hold them in place.

I wanted to share this with the women who are still going through Chemo and have experienced hair loss....see there are things to look forward too....may be simple things....but these things are important

Take Care and as all of those have said before "hang in there the time will pass quickly"....it is true.

Remember..."healing begins with the mind".  So be strong!

Denise/Onehalf

Yippppeeeee for the hair growth!!! Mine started coming back in a few wks ago, right after I started my Taxol rounds, so I know that feeling of finally...something is going right!!! Never mind that I have 5 eyelashes on each eye and next to no eyebrows...I am getting hair on my head!!(even if it is only 1/2"...) wooohoooo

I even lost the hair off of one of my big toes...now that is awesome!! When I first went in to my onco before starting chemo, I asked him if he could give me just enough chemo to kill the hair on my big toes...and he just busted up laughing....and told me chemo would not take the hair off my toes.....wait till I prove him wrong and show him my hairless big toe!!! Hey...you gotta celebrate the little things in life to appreciate the big things....RIGHT??

Also.. I am excited that I havent gained any weight...I have lost a total of 14 lbs..but it goes up and down.. ...but at least it's not weight gain!! Man..this steriod makes me hungry!! The day of chemo( which I had today) I want to eat and eat and eat......gessshhhhhhhh. I am still working so that helps me get some exercise. Also, I have basement steps that I go up and down for extra exercise.

Ok.. I will stop talking... that's another thing steriods makes me do...LOL

Love and Prayers to you all HUGS

~Belinda~ 

Hi Girls...

 Happy Saturday....the sun is shining and can't wait for SPRING.....move clocks ahead tomorrow night...Spring Ahead - Fall Back...LOL

 Jill - Roxy is a Yorkshire Terrier....and she is so adorable.  I have always wanted one...and my DH who was so against having animals since we cruise and travel so much...he broke down and let me get her.   She has helped me through my rough days for sure.

Congrats on your celebration....sounds like there was so much love and admiration spread in your family.

 Belinda...I have hair on my toes too....and it would be nice to get rid of them for sure.  I have no underarm or leg hair and some sparce eye lashes and brows and very little in the v jay jay area...lol   My DH says I have a black patch on the back of my head....so how can that be when the rest is all gray....???? 

BTW...How many more rounds of Taxol do you have?

 Well this week is feeling good week until Thursday when I get the POISON again....and it starts all over again....

Keep celebrating girls and we will all be celebrating the elimination of "C" very soon!!!!!

 Cindy

Hey Snappy...

 I thought the same thing...if they got it out and then chemo is done...why radiation on the site where they took it all....But I am sure they know what they are doing...and all we can hope for is that the "C" doesn't pop back up ANYWHERE....

How is everyone else doing????  We want to hear...

Thanks for the replies:)

Cruise--I understand what you are saying...just at the point where I don't want one more thing to have to go through.. of course, I probably will..."just to be sure".

Deb--good news about the mole!! And good luck on your last treatments. Yiiiippppppiiieeeeeeeeee

The emotional side of the chemo has really gotten to me this last treatment(I take them on Fridays now) that and my financial status is really getting to me... I can't ever recall being this weepy...that's just not me at all. I think that's what I hate most about chemo.. it makes you something you aren't and so out of control... ECK!!!!!!!!!  I have 8 more to go....this should prove interesting...LOL

Best of luck to you all.. whatever stage of treatment you are in. HUGS

~Belinda~ 

Hello Ladies !

Have not posted in a bit because things have been a bit busy around here - but it is a good busy.  Rather have it that way than not.

First, I want to address the radiation question - for those of you with a lumpectomy -  I have seen the stats.  Radiation in this context is a no brainer in terms of reducing recurrence risk.   In fact, I have seen some studies that show up to a 40% reduction with radiation ALONE (i.e. without all the other crap we did).  The rationale is that it finds the stubborn cells that are lurking in and around the tumor site.   Theoretically, we hope that the chemo would get them, but attacking them systemically and "topically" makes sure we come at them at two different angles.   I can't say as much for those still having radiation who went the mastectomy route, but I suggest that you ask your docs about the rationales. 

For me, radiation was "easier" than chemo, but it had its own issues.   The fatigue and skin irritation cropped up.   However, after being a week out, I am amazed at how fast my skin is rebounding - and the number of people at work that told me that the "color in my face has come back" is amazing.   Makes me wonder if I looked like a ghost before.    I am still going braless, but I can see my way back at this point.   It is a great feeling.

As for hair... well... eyebrows/eyelashes back in full force.  Hair on my head is coming on nicely.  The folks at work tell me it is "silver" instead of gray (aren't they nice?).    My husband told me my hair "looked like the dog's" (we have a schnauzer).  The sad part is that he is right.  Me and the dog have the same "do".   The upside is that it is really soft.  I told him for a small fee I would let him carress my head.   I got a kick out of the "V jay jay" comments.  That is starting to come in too, which does not bother me a whole lot.  BUT... the upside is that I am still not growing on the legs or the armpits.  Score !   I will take the positives where I can get them. 

Cindy - Yorkies are so cute !  As from the conversation above, you can tell that I also have a terrier.  Great because they don't shed.  But, they are also great fun - very loyal and feisty.   Good luck with your treatment this week.  Will be thinking about you. 

Deb - Great news on the mole!  That is one less thing you have to worry about !   Get through these last two now.   You can do this.

Belinda - Sorry to hear the Taxol is playing with you.  I hate that drug.  Damn sneaky thing.  Plays hell with your emotions and seems to catch up with you.   How is it doing on the home front ?  I am sure going through the job thing is not helping through all this. 

Denise - I am still wearing a hat at work because the hair is not coming in as strong as I would like on top.  BUT, it is coming in strongly on the sides and back.  I have had several people this week at work tell me to forgo the hats.  They said I can get away with the little hair I have because "I have a nice shaped head".    They are so kind.   I am getting more and more bold every day on that front.   Now that it is getting warmer here, I might take them up on that !

Hope everyone is doing well tonight ! 

 Jill

Hi Jill.. nice to 'see' you again! At home is where I can truly be anything I want to be...hubby allows me those feelings without judging or lashing back. It's more frustration then anything and hubbys lack of work doesnt help any. His unemployment ran out and of course we are in the area with the highest unemployment rate in the country so work is really scarce in these parts. Worries over bills adds to the stress and frustration...but we are hanging on.. what other option is there?

Shannon....your mom will be in my prayers.. we all know that feeling of the "first" time. She will do fine and so will you.. just give her the love, support and patience she needs and she will get through it all. Hugs